Chapter 12 - The Panic Attack

Thanks a lot to my beta-readers, saiyanwizardgurl and AmyLouise, for correcting my mistakes!

Chapter 12 - The Panic Attack

When he woke up in the morning, the hospital wing was empty. He only needed a short time to remember the events of the last evening. Sadly, he closed his eyes. Why do I always have to screw things up? He had never felt like this. His heart hurt. I always thought people were overreacting when they said that it was physically painful to miss a person. But now he felt the same way. He wanted to speak with Minerva and explain that he did not mean what he had said. He wanted to make everything okay again. But I am imprisoned here and cannot see her unless she comes here, which is unlikely. He banged the back of his head against the headboard. It's not fair. She won't come here again, and I cannot go to her. He looked around the hospital wing and towards Poppy's office door. Maybe she hasn't put an alarm on the bed. At least I could try. I feel well, and I think I can make it to Minerva's office, he thought, already dangling his legs over the side of the bed. He took another glance towards the office door, and when it remained closed, he jumped from the bed. Nothing happened. He sighed in relief. He looked down at himself and realized that he could not go through the castle barefoot and in a nightshirt. He remembered the bath robe Albus had let him wear and looked at the foot of his bed. There it is. I hope no one will see me wearing this, but I must speak with Minerva. Again his gaze fell on his bare feet. Where are those damn slippers? He bent down to look for them under the bed.

"Can we help you with something, Severus?"

He did not have to turn around to know who it was. The stern voice could only belong to Poppy. He closed his eyes in despair and hoped he could find a good excuse for being out of bed, but he knew that Poppy would not accept any excuse. Did she say we? Severus turned abruptly, suddenly felt dizzy, and had to support himself with his hands and backside on the bed's edge.

Poppy was standing, with her arms crossed, only a few meters away, and she was glaring at him. "So? I'm waiting for an answer, Severus," she said, growling, and raising her eyebrow in question.

Next to her was Albus with a mad twinkling in his eyes. He was trying hard not to grin at the sight of the school's most feared teacher looking terrified by the school Mediwitch.

"I – I just – I –" Severus started to stutter and frantically looked around the room to find an excuse. When his glance fell on the bathroom door, he said, "I just wanted to go to the toilet, Poppy." He tried to use his innocent school boy voice to convince Poppy, but it did not seem to work.

"If you wanted to go to the toilet, you just had to call for me, Severus. You have been here long enough to know that. Don't think I will buy that excuse for one minute," she said dangerously as she moved in Severus' direction.

He gulped and jumped on the bed again. When she reached him, he tried to back away further.

"Hold still, Severus," she commanded sternly as she removed his bath robe. "Under the covers," was the next command, he followed without thinking about it. Poppy propped the headboard up, so that Severus could sit.

Meanwhile, Albus had moved to the end of the bed and watched the scene in front of him curiously.

"So where did you want to go, Severus?" Poppy asked while checking her patient with a diagnostic spell. "And don't even think about lying to me again," she added in a no-nonsense voice.

"Minerva," he whispered, looking down at his hands.

"What was that? I didn't catch it." Poppy eyed him closely.

"I said I wanted to go to Minerva," Severus spat angrily at Poppy. "Satisfied?"

"Don't speak to me in that tone, Severus. There is a reason that you aren't allowed to leave bed. If you want to be released as soon as possible, then you will do well to remember my rules."

"I'm feeling well, Poppy. And I really need to speak with Minerva," he tried to argue with her.

"I'm sure you want to speak with Minerva. And she wants to speak with you as well. She will visit you in two hours, and then you can clear things up with her. And as for you feeling so well, Severus, that is, again, because of the Strengthening Potion I gave you and not because you are better," she scolded him.

"She's coming?" Severus asked surprised.

"Of course she is. Minerva isn't a woman to run away from problems," Poppy explained.

"And before she comes," the calm and deep voice of Albus stated, "I would like to speak with Severus, Poppy." Albus had moved beside Poppy and laid a hand on her shoulder to get her attention.

"Of course, Albus." She smiled at him. With one last warning glance to Severus, she left for her office.

Albus sat down on Severus' bed and watched him closely. Severus became nervous. Why is he looking at me like that? What does he want to speak with me about? He looked at Albus, unsure.

"I would like to talk about your conflict with Minerva," he said as if he could read Severus' thoughts.

"It's personal," Severus said, looking shamefully at his hands.

"Maybe it is, but Minerva came crying into my office yesterday, and what she told me unsettled me a lot," he said calmly.

Glad that the tone the headmaster was using was friendly, he looked up and met Albus' concerned eyes. "She came to you?" he asked in hope that Albus would give more information about what Minerva had said to him about their argument.

"She was desperate, Severus, and very hurt about what you said. Did you really mean it?"

"I don't even remember exactly what I said. And I still think it's private between Minerva and myself."

"I understand, Severus. I won't force you to talk about your argument with Minerva, but I do want to know why you think that someone could only love you out of pity." This time, his voice was more serious.

"It's private, Albus, and I don't want to speak with you about it." Severus turned around so that he faced the wall, his back to Albus.

Albus sighed, laid a hand on Severus' shoulder, and tried to turn him around again. Severus felt Albus' hand, but resisted vehemently. It's embarrassing enough that he and Poppy know about what I said, but I definitely do not want to talk about it with him, he thought bitterly.

"Severus, I will not leave," Albus said.

"I don't want to talk about it. You said I could make my own decisions, and my decision is that I don't want to," Severus said angrily as he turned around to face Albus again.

"That's right, my boy, but I fear you have to sort things out before you speak with Minerva, and I think I'm a good person to help you with this. And I'm available at the moment," he said calmly to Severus. "Or if you'd prefer someone else, I could call Alastor to speak with you if you want."

"No!" Severus said quickly. Not Alastor, Poppy would pry every single word I said out of him later. And then I would get another scolding. Maybe it wouldn't do any harm to speak with Albus. He at least won't share my thoughts with someone else, Severus reasoned with himself. He sighed in resignation and said, "Fine."

"Okay, then. Tell me why you think Minerva loves you out of pity."

"I didn't say that she loves me out of pity, I merely mentioned the possibility. I don't even know if Minerva loves me at all, Albus," Severus said, rolling his eyes.

"Judging by the state you brought her to by just mentioning the possibility, she must really love you, Severus. She was crying when she came to me and was worried that you dumped her because of the wrong assumption. She didn't know how to speak with you because she was so hurt that you pushed her away as if the relationship wouldn't mean anything to you. I told her that she must have been mistaken, and that she needed to talk with you. And I really hope that you will persuade her that she was wrong."

"But Albus, she is better off without me. What can I offer her? I'm ugly, I'm poor, nobody likes me ..."

"Stop, Severus," Albus interrupted him. "I don't want to hear things like that from you. Minerva loves you, and she will have her reasons for it. It is her responsibility to tell you about them and not mine. But I know that many people love you and care for you."

Severus snorted in response.

"For example, I know that Poppy loves you, Severus. It isn't just her duties as the school nurse that causes her to react so protectively towards you. She argued for quite some time with me about talking with you about your problem with Minerva, but I convinced her that a discussion between men is what you need. And if Alastor did not care for you, Severus, then he would not hold Poppy back from cutting off more of your freedom while you are here in the hospital wing. Believe me, if it were not for his persuasive power, you would not be allowed to leave your bed to go to the toilet, and you would have been bound to your bed more than once."

Severus did not want to hear all this. He knew it was true, but it was hard for him to accept. Again, he turned his face away from Albus.

"No, Severus!" Albus reached for Severus' chin and forced him to face him again. "If you say you are unloved, then you have to listen to what I have to say about it."

Severus closed his eyes in resignation, but then opened them to look at Albus. Merlin, let this be over soon.

"I could list countless others, but I will only tell you about one more now. Me, Severus. I care a lot for you, and I love you like a son. I was glad when I heard the rumors about you and Minerva. When she came running into my office, my heart broke with hers. Severus, why do you push her away? She doesn't love you out of pity. I don't think that love out of pity is even possible. She has calmed down, and when she comes to speak with you, Severus, do not push her away out of fear. Discuss your fears with her, tell her what bothers you. Just be honest with her."

"But she deserves someone better than me, Albus. Don't you understand?" Severus had sat up in bed and leaned closer to Albus to emphasize his words. "Merlin, why does nobody understand me?" he growled, grabbing his hair in his hands and pulling violently.

Albus stayed calm, but grabbed Severus wrists firmly. "Enough, Severus," he ordered while increasing the pressure on Severus' wrists.

Severus had got himself all worked up. He did not even hear Albus' words anymore, only the small voices in his head that told him he was not good enough for Minerva and that nobody understood him. He tried to pull at his hair as hard as possible. He wanted it to hurt, he wanted to feel himself, and he wanted the voices in his head to shut up. Panic overcame him and he started to breathe rapidly.

"If you don't stop now, I'll have to call Poppy, Severus," Albus tried to calm him.

"I'm already here." Poppy had rushed into the room as fast as she could when the alarm went off in her office. She was worried about Severus' auto-aggression and had placed an alarm spell on him that informed her when he tried to hurt himself.

Severus still was not reacting to anything that went on around him. Only when the headboard was lowered, and he felt Poppy's hand on his chest did the voice in his mind start to fade.

Poppy sent warm healing energy into his chest. She had to stop the panic attack before Severus got lost in it. She realized that he did not react to anything that happened around him. She remembered that he often heard voices when he was hurt after a meeting with the Dark Lord. At that time, he had pulled at his hair in the same manner. She knew she had to try to bring Severus back to reality. He had to realize that the voices in his mind were not real, and that he was safe before she could give him a calming draught or make him sleep. "Severus, calm down," she said in a kind, but demanding voice. She let more relaxing magic flow through her fingers and into Severus.

The voice faded more, and he became aware of the calming magic, which was flowing through his chest. He could hear Poppy speaking to him and slowly loosened the grip on his hair. His fingers had been pressed so long in such a violent manner that now they hardly reacted the way he wanted them to. They hurt and would not unclamp. But the magic in his chest was overwhelming. He was exhausted. His breathing was still fast, and when he inhaled, it almost sounded like a sob. What happened? One moment I was sitting with Albus and the next I was having a nervous breakdown.

"Severus, open your eyes for me!" Poppy slowly stroked his face with her free hand to get his attention. She did not try to pry his hands away from his hair because she knew it would be pointless.

When he felt Poppy's hand on his face, he slowly opened his eyes. "That's my boy. Everything is okay, Severus. You are safe here. Did you hear the voices again?"

"I want them to stop," Severus said desperately.

"I know, Severus." She spoke calmly to him and still fed calming magic to him. "And they will. You can control them. Don't you remember what we spoke about when you heard them the last time? And it worked, didn't it?"

"But they are back, Poppy. They will never leave me alone," Severus said, still very agitated.

"Of course they will, Severus. You are safe here. You must stop hating yourself. That is the only way you can control them. They only have a chance to get in your head when you hate yourself for something. Listen to us, Severus, not to them." She lowered the calming energy flow when she felt him breathing more slowly.

"But they are right. I'm not good enough for her. Albus doesn't understand." He looked at Poppy, and as he spoke Albus' name, he remembered that the headmaster must still be in the room as well. "Albus?"

"I'm here, Severus. Everything is all right." Albus moved from his place at the end of the bed to Severus' side, opposite Poppy.

Severus shut his eyes and sadly said, "I'm sorry, Albus."

"There is nothing to be sorry about, my boy."

While Severus was distracted by Albus, Poppy used the time to grab his hands and soothe him with more magic. The hands relaxed, and she slowly moved them to Severus' sides. He seemed to not even notice. A flick with her wand, and she had a vial in her hand. She checked the label, and when she was sure it was the right vial, she opened it.

Now that he had come to his senses again, Severus felt embarrassed. Why did I let those damn voices take over again? I had them under control for so long.

"Severus, please open your mouth and drink this for me," Poppy said, supporting the back of his head with her hand.

Instinctively, he tried to move his head away from the vial, but Poppy had a good grip on his head. "No, Severus, please drink it. It will help you to relax and slow your heartbeat. You know you can trust me, don't you?"

Severus still tried to avoid the vial. He knew what was in it, and he did not want to drink it at all. I will be drugged and vulnerable if I drink it. And I will behave like a crazy person. Who knows who will come in here and see me like that?

"Severus, please don't fight me. I know you don't want to take it, but it will help you. It helped you before."

"No, please, Poppy. I'm calm again, and I don't hear the voices any longer," he pleaded, even though he knew that his heart was still beating fast, and that the moment he was left alone again it would be hard to fight the voices. He remembered that Minerva wanted to come by later, and he did not want to meet her drugged to the eyeballs. He could still remember the last time he'd had to take the potion. It was Alastor's turn to watch over him, and he was telling him his deepest secrets. Worst of all, he hugged him like a small child and told him that he really liked him and Poppy and that he wished they would never leave him alone again. Alastor never mocked me about it, but every time I see him, I think about that day, Severus thought, annoyed. They had all seen him under the drug. Albus, Alastor, and Poppy, but not Minerva, and he wanted to keep it that way.

"Severus, we both know that it's necessary. Your nerves have to calm down so that you are under control again. Right now, you are still on edge. You know it's useless to fight it."

He knew that tone. She was near the point where she would get the potion in him with or without his cooperation. He desperately looked for an escape route. "Albus, please don't let her force me to take it. You know what will happen. I need to speak with Minerva. I'm calm again, I promise."

"If we are already at the 'I promise' point, then you definitely need to take the potion, Severus. Poppy knows what's right for you." He grabbed Severus' hand to calm him.

"No, Albus, you promised. You said I could choose. I do not want to take the potion." Severus frantically tried to move his head away from the vial, but Poppy countered each of his movements. He could only hit the vial out of her hand, but one glance towards Poppy and he immediately dismissed the idea.

Albus sighed and said, "Severus, please –"

"I have heard enough," Poppy said with a very stern voice. "You will listen now, Severus. I do not care what Albus has promised you. I am responsible for your health right now, and you need this potion. Deep down, you know it yourself. You know that you will feel much better after it. The effect only lingers for two or three hours. There are two choices for you. You can take this potion and one of us will watch over you, and in a few hours everything will be over. Or you can refuse to take the potion and I will call for a special healer from St. Mungo's, and we both know what he will suggest when he sees your condition. So it is the choice between the hospital wing and us, and St. Mungo's and their healers."

"But Minerva –" Severus tried one last time to reason with Poppy.

"Minerva will understand when I speak with her, and she will come later when the potion will have lost its effect," Poppy said, still not loosening her grip on Severus' head.

"And we have already put back your appointment with Charlie," Albus stated, drawing Severus' eyes away from Poppy.

When Severus again tried to face the Mediwitch, she had moved the vial so close to his face that his lips touched it.

"Drink, Severus. I know you don't want a healer from St. Mungo's."

He again closed his eyes to find the strength to make his final decision. When he felt Poppy prop up his head more so that his lips were on the vial now completely, he gave in and drank.

Poppy sighed in relief, and Albus pressed his hand in comfort. Severus could feel the potion kick in immediately. His whole body relaxed, and he felt good, as if nothing could harm him. He felt the urge to smile, but his mind still tried to struggle against the potion, and he refused to let his face muscles relax.

"Don't fight it, Severus. It's okay to relax. It's okay to give in," Poppy said and stroked a calming hand over Severus' cheek.

That was the last push he needed to let the potion take over. His facial muscles relaxed like his whole body, and he felt a small smile creep up on his face.

Poppy sighed again. "I cannot sit with you the whole time; I have to meet Minerva and explain the situation to her. Who do you want to sit with you while I'm away, Severus?"

"Minerva? You are going to speak with Minerva? Isn't she wonderful?" Severus said rather serenely.

Poppy could not suppress a smile. "Yes, she is, Severus. I hope one day you will tell her that. But who do you want to sit with you?"

"Alastor, please. Will he come?" Severus asked pleadingly.

"I'm sure he will," she said calmly to Severus with one last stroke of his cheek. Then she looked at Albus. "Please stay with him so that I can floo Alastor."

"Of course, Poppy," he said while he smiled down at the drowsy man.