2: After Lunch – Kick Umbridge

2: After Lunch – Kick Umbridge

The three wizards spent a comfortable hour at the pub enjoying their lunch. For Snape, it also meant he could catch his breath and relax his aching shoulder whilst doing not much more than leaning back into the cosy chair. He wouldn't have confessed to it, but Nagini's bite and her poison had left him with nearly constant pain. So he ate and drank, talked, wondered if Dolores would be daft enough to draw her wand at the sight of him, and tried with a vengeance not to use his left arm.

Maybe chopping the garlic last night had been too much, he mused. But it had been such a temptation to do so, to handle the goods Draco had bought, to smell the onions and the strawberries, and most of all, the truffles. He hadn't been able to not do the cooking. Unfortunately, he now had to pay for his foolishness, feeling his shoulder hard as stone and aching as if Nagini had bitten him just a minute, not over a month ago.

"What's wrong with you?" Draco asked suspiciously. "You haven't said a word in over fifteen minutes, you haven't finished your drink, and you look grey."

Snape didn't answer; instead, he put his hand on his shoulder and began to knead it. It hurt. Damn. "I'm fine," he grumbled, not very convincingly, though.

"You need a massage, Severus," Remus said, watching him closely. "If you like, I can loosen the muscles in your shoulder later on."

Snape glared at him. "You will stay away from me, wolf," he said, only to see his friend grinning into his beer. "What?" he snapped.

"Nothing. I just expected you to say something like that." A sip, and Remus had emptied his glass. "As you wish, my friend. Just know that you don't have to suffer. I'm just offering a release." He got up and pulled his jacket on. "Twenty past two. Let's go. Unless you don't feel up to it, Severus?"

Sighing, Snape heaved himself out of the chair. Massage, he thought. How dare he!

********************

Dolores Umbridge, newly announced Headmistress of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, stood on a small podium in the back room of Trinity's and admired her image in the huge, beautiful mirrors. Of course, the mirrors were not as beautiful as what they were showing, but then, nothing and no one could have been more glorious than herself.

She looked marvellous. Unbelievably good. Wonderful. Every beauty queen was an ugly duckling compared to her, every young and stupid and oh, so lovely witch was irrelevant now, and certainly no one looked more compelling, intelligent, totally brilliant than her.

Because she, Dolores Umbridge, had made it. She was Headmistress again. After they had removed her from the school, after they had assigned it to that horrible, utterly ugly bastard Snape. After those filthy creatures had terrified her with their hooves. "No centaurs at the school," Umbridge hissed at her image, which smiled back mildly. "No Trelawney. No Hagrid. McGonagall will be fired in no time. The ghosts will get banned. The dungeons will be sealed. No Mudbloods. No half-bloods. Only Purebloods."

"That's the right attitude, Miss Umbridge," a smooth voice purred into her ear, and Dolores nearly fell of the little pedestal she was standing on, waiting for the tailor to finish her robes. Lilac robes with tiny little roses. Pink roses, naturally. Perfectly matching her pink fingernails and her pink eye shadow.

Of course she didn't fall. She was a witch, she was self-controlled, and nothing could scare her apart from the sound of clopping hooves. But there wouldn't be any of that rubbish at Trinity's. After a moment – which she needed to calm her heart down to a normal speed – Umbridge turned without crumpling the fabric and stared at the young man who leaned in the doorway.

"Mr Malfoy," she cooed. "It's Headmistress Umbridge. How nice to see you. I must admit, I haven't heard anything about your well-being in the past few weeks. Have you been in trouble?"

"Slightly," Draco said and came closer. Smoothly, he took the Headmistress's hand and breathed an admiring kiss on the cold skin. "One could say I was stuck in my own house for the last few weeks. Only recently, things got better. As I walked past the shop, I saw you and wanted to say hello."

Dolores Umbridge stared at the young man through narrowed eyes and decided that he had grown an inch or two since she had last seen him. The familiar sneer was painted on his lips, but then, he was the descendant of one of the richest families in Great Britain – he should sneer. It suited him. "I am expecting you back at my school, Draco," she said, a small tremble in her voice.

"Sorry," Draco said. "I'm not going back there. Lupin will be teaching Defence Against the Dark Arts, and I'm not having a werewolf demanding me to do homework for him." He turned, about to leave, when Umbridge called him back.

Her icy voice dropped the temperature by several degrees. "Lupin? That filthy beast? He's worse than the centaurs. I will not allow him anywhere near my school. Actually, I will recommend to the Minister that he bans werewolves from our beautiful island. Shall they terrorise the continent, I say."

Draco cast her a small smile. "Well, I'm afraid you won't have any say about that, Miss Umbridge. Snape assigned him the job. As far as I know, Lupin is thrilled to be earning some money after all."

Umbridge opened and closed her mouth several times without any words coming out.

"You look like a trout on dry land," Draco pointed out helpfully.

"Snape!" gasped the Headmistress. "He's dead!"

"Ah, no," Draco objected. "I confess to having saved his life. A weak moment, I assure you."

Umbridge was made out of a different kind of wood than Fudge. She drew her wand and pointed it at Draco. "Tell me everything," she demanded. Stepping down, she caught her foot in the too long garment and landed face flat on the floor. Shrieking, she tried to hex Draco, but when she looked up again, he was gone.

"Well," she managed. "A misled youth. Disturbed in his mind. Snape is dead. I'm certain of it. Nagini – such a nice creature, that snake – would have killed anyone, not only such a pitiful excuse of a wizard."

***************************

"It went well," Draco munched. He was sitting in his kitchen, eating what Snape had cooked. Only steak and salad, tonight. Delicious, though.

Snape leaned against the wall and watched the young wizard eat. And he watched Lupin watching him. "Stop looking at me, wolf!" he snapped, irritated at the soft, gentle eyes prying his body as if he were a sickly cow. "I'm fine. Just not hungry. Go on, Draco, tell us the rest."

Draco first shared a glance with Remus Lupin, clearly seeking advice if he should continue or not. The werewolf just gave a curt nod. "He won't agree to as much as sitting down if you don't tell us the tale, Draco," he stated. "Severus is too tired to stand, and he needs to eat. Best do as he wishes."

"Bloody Merlin." Snape sighed and obediently took a chair, sitting down stiffly. He would not admit to his wardens that his back was bathed in fire – each muscle was stiff from the day's work, and he wished he could just lie down and sleep for a fortnight. "Did you tell her I'm alive?"

Draco nodded and dug into the salad. "She tried to get more out of me, but fell in the attempt to reach me. I was gone before she had her head up. Can I take the second steak? After all, neither you nor Lupin are eating, and I don't want to waste the food..."

"Whatever," Snape said. He wasn't hungry, but got a fork and pulled the bowl with the rest of the salad towards him to sooth both Draco and Lupin. Strange, that after all those lonely years someone is actually caring for me, he thought, but barely managed to bring the fork to his mouth. From neck to hips he felt like freshly whipped; if possible, he would have given up eating, talking, and moving for another few weeks.

"You ache," Lupin observed. "You very definitely need a massage if you want to be able to get up tomorrow morning. Unless... do you want me to sneak into Dolores's bedroom on my own? You could stay here instead..."

An evil gleam appeared in the Potions master's dark eyes. "In your dreams, wolf. I will enjoy scaring the living daylights out of her. She will step down as Headmistress more than willingly."

Draco, grinning widely at the two men's argument, looked more than glad that Hermione chose that moment to enter the kitchen. In her arms she balanced a huge pile of books and just managed to dump them at the table before the first one began sliding to the floor. "Oops," she said, caught the book, and held it out to Snape. "Here – your order, sir. I went to your house at Spinner's End and got those for you. And I would be more than grateful if you could tell me a thing or two about them. Please?"

Snape tossed his fork aside and began stroking the book gently until it opened voluntarily. Then he cast a disbelieving glance at the girl. "Are you telling me you didn't read the books?"

Hermione slumped into a chair. "Not enough time," she confessed. "It took me ages to locate them, even after I had the wards undone. I've come directly from your house. What is so important about those books?"

Sitting became uncomfortable, so Snape got up and hoped, if he walked around a bit, that the movement would ease the tension in his back and buttocks. "Dark Arts, mainly. Information about Hogwarts' history – my own notes about that subject, of course, nothing you would find in an ordinary book. Part of Albus's immense power was based on what is written on those pages. And as I couldn't get them on my own, I had to send you. I am... grateful. Thank you, Hermione."

She blushed slightly, obviously not used to a Potions master who behaved decently. Nor at the fact that he addressed her with her given name.

Snape picked up another one of the books. It was more a journal, really. It contained a thin set of parchment, the handwriting clearly his own. He flicked through the pages until he had found what he was looking for. "Come over here, wolf," he ordered. "I will read the passage, and you dip your finger into the wine whilst I do so."

Amused, Hermione and Draco watched as Remus did as ordered. He looked silly with his finger in the wineglass, and they might have laughed but for the tension that hung in the air.

Snape murmured a few words. Sparks erupted from the wine, shot into the air and danced around Lupin's hand. Snape's face was expressionless; Hemione's and Draco's eyes, though, widened when they saw the werewolf's face go slack and shocked. The glass slipped out of Lupin's fingers and would have shattered on the ground if Snape hadn't flicked his wand to catch it at the last moment.

"Amazing!" stuttered Remus, staring at the tiny drop at his fingertip. "I know everything about the wine, the yard where it grew, when the vine was planted, about the weather the day the grapes were harvested, the woman who plucked them... everything!"

Snape smiled, a thin and cold smile. "Now imagine you would touch something more complex when the spell is cast," he mused. "Something like a broom, for example. Or a knife a murderer had used to kill. A wand. Or... hmmm... a piece of Hogwarts, maybe?"

Hermione understood first, as usual. "You want to cast the spell at Professor Umbridge!" she exclaimed. "But... wouldn't she learn everything about Hogwarts? Wouldn't that knowledge give her immense power?"

Remus shook the drop off his finger and shuddered. "She'd go mad," he said weakly. "Too much knowledge, too much to listen to – I can't even imagine what it must be like to know everything there is to know about that school!"

"It is fascinating," Snape said. Kneading some life back into his shoulder, he continued, "It requires preparation and dedication. It requires love for the school and respect for the ones who live there. Dolores can offer nothing of these things. I believe she knows about the spell, and I believe she has no intention of performing it. And if she is brave and mad enough to do it, she will learn tonight that the school doesn't want her. Hogwarts has its own way of expressing things. Either way, she will kiss my feet for taking the Headmaster's task off her."

"You... you have done this?" Hermione asked, wide-eyed.

"Naturally," Snape answered. "Albus cast the spell for me briefly before I killed him. I know that Hogwarts is mine simply because the school has accepted me as Headmaster." Rolling his shoulders, he let out an exasperated sigh.

"Forget about doing anything tonight – unless you give in and let me massage you, Severus," Remus urged. "I know a few things about muscles and nerves. A transformation is an unpleasant thing for the body, and I usually feel as if I've been severely beaten up. I can help you; if you let me."

For a moment, Snape stared at his old enemy as if he wanted to hex him. Then he nodded, short and brisk.

"Upstairs with you, then. Get your shirt off, lie on the bed, and try not to wriggle too much when I touch you," Remus ordered.

Suppressed laughter followed the two men as they headed for Snape's room.

****************

Dolores Umbridge never had any problems sleeping. She brushed her teeth, applied her night mask to keep her skin nice and young, then said good night to every single porcelain cat. As soon as her head hit the pillow, she was in dreamland, dreaming of power and obedient students and of ruling the Ministry of Magic. Never dreaming of horses. Dreaming of horses would mean waking up screaming, and obviously she was far too dignified to do that.

Tonight was different, though. The window was firmly closed, it was nice and warm inside her bedroom, the front door was locked and warded and no one would bother her in her own house.

So why couldn't she sleep?

Ah, that was why – there were voices in front of her bedroom window. Low voices, barely audible even in the quiet peace of the night. But disturbing nevertheless. And annoying. Her house was in a private area, and no one had the right to lean against her walls!

Furious, she got up and stormed to the window. Of course she could have cast a silencing spell, but that was impossible – this here was about the principle! There were rules everyone had to obey, be they student, colleague, employee or... anyone, really. The rules were important, and one rule said that talking was forbidden whilst she, Dolores Jane Umbridge, tried to go to sleep. Silencing spells might have erased the noise, but wouldn't have solved the main problem: someone was talking without her allowance.

This had to stop. Silently, she opened the window and looked down at the street. Not that she had any interest in eavesdropping, but one needed to know what happened in front of one's own house!

"...grip like a lumberjack!"

"Will you stop complaining sometime tonight? I only did what was necessary. Your muscles were as hard as stone. I eased you up, at least for now. I made it possible..."

"You went too low! You touched my... my..."

"'Bum' is the word you are looking for. Yes, I touched your bum. Accidentally! With my elbows whilst massaging you. Stop whining, Severus. It wasn't as if I tried to seduce you."

Dolores Umbridge slapped her hand in front of her mouth to prevent a scream slipping out. Severus Snape? Underneath her window? But he was dead!

"No one has ever managed to seduce me, wolf, so..."

And Remus Lupin! The filthy werewolf – now, that was it. She would cast a Killing Curse at them. Immediately. It would rid the world of vermin, that much was certain.

"...obvious that you never had a good shag or you wouldn't be so bloody prude when it comes to..."

"I am not prude! I just dislike..."

"Quiet down there!" Umbridge shrieked, ripped the window wide open, and nearly fell out at her attempt to curse the two men standing on the pavement as fast as possible.

Two faces looked up. A moment later, a Stupefy hit her, and she fell backwards, landing hard on her bedroom floor.

There was no noise when the window opened wider and the two wizards intruded her privacy as if it were the most normal thing in the world. Carefully, the werewolf closed the window; it seemed obvious that they didn't want to get disturbed. The thought made Umbridge shiver with barely controlled fear, and she wanted to scream for help when Lupin bent down and gagged her.

Two faces looked down at her, two faces she had hoped never to see again. One was a werewolf's face, which was bad enough. The other was that of Severus Snape. "Mmm hmmhmmm hhhmmm!" she mumbled through the cloth in her mouth. "HHmmmhhM!"

Snape sat on her bed and smiled. It pushed Hogwarts' former Headmistress right over the edge of fear in the waiting arms of panic. Rolled up in one of her own carpets, immobilised and speechless, she hoped they would just kill her and not torture her beforehand.

"No, I'm not dead," Snape answered, having translated the witch's unintelligible words correctly. "Although I feel like it after that so-called massage Lupin tormented me with. It was utterly horrible. It hurt worse than Nagini's bite. This wolf has hands like a butcher!"

"Wimp," Remus quipped.

Umbridge's eyes grew big at the two arguing men. She struggled, tried to get back on her feet, and gave up the attempt when Snape knelt down next to her. In his hand he held a small stone, about the size of a fist. In his other hand, he had his wand.

"This is a stone from my rooms in Hogwarts," Snape explained, all pretended exasperation gone from his voice. "Hogwarts, which was built over thousand years ago. This stone is Hogwarts. I want you to touch it."

"Hmmm?"

"Why? Because with the help of this stone you will learn everything that there is to learn about my school. You want to be Headmistress? Then you need to know how Hogwarts feels, what it thinks and what it wants. You will need to become a part of the school. I will help you to achieve this task. That's why we are here."

"Hmm! Hmhmhm hhmmm hhh! ARGHmh h mmm!"

"I thought you might not be too happy about it," Snape said. Ignoring her protest, the Potions master placed the stone on her forehead. In addition, Lupin cast a small binding spell, immobilising Umbridge and thus hindering her movements to throw off the stone.

Panic didn't linger any more. It flared up into her pale eyes, hot and burning. When she saw Snape opening a thin book, she began to fight.

Absently, Snape patted her foot. "Don't worry, Dolores. This will just make it easier for you to become the Headmistress Hogwarts deserves. I understand you know about this spell? I thought so. You have a greater knowledge of the Dark Arts than one would suspect. I bet you had no intention of joining with the school. It is overwhelming, I can tell you that much. You must be absolutely sure you want this job, or the spell and the knowledge seeping from the stone into your brain will rip you apart."

Umbridge became very still. A dubious look appeared on her face, and she desperately tried to get a glimpse at the stone that laid on her forehead. Naturally, this was impossible, and so her eyes nearly popped out. Then she pursed her lips around the gag and said, "Hmhm!"

"Was that a 'No'?" Snape asked casually, flicking his fingers. The hex that held her head still was removed.

Umbridge nodded severely.

"To clarify things – you don't want me to perform this spell? You don't want to know every single little detail about Hogwarts?"

Umbridge shook her head so hard the stone landed under her bed.

Lupin got up. "That went fast," he stated. "Let's go."

Snape shot him a look. "I need her vow that she will make no attempt to become Headmistress ever again. In addition, I want her out of Britain for good. She will do the vow. You will be the binder. Agreed?"

Umbridge nodded and fearfully looked under the bed, searching for the stone. Lupin just got his wand out. Snape pulled the woman to her feet and locked hands with her. "Get it done," he said wearily. "I'm tired and want to get home."

"Yes, Headmaster," Lupin said and performed the spell that formed an Unbreakable Vow.

A/N

When I first posted this, I was looking for my beta and friend Dreamy_Dragon. For your information: she's turned up again. Thanks for all the good wishes!

chivalric