Visits

Chapter 5 –Visits

The girl

It is morning and a sunny day, so Severus was told. As if he could care less! While he tries to recall the complicated preparation of an almost unknown potion to keep his mind busy, there is a hesitant knock at the door. He doesn't even raise his head, sure as he is that it is the insufferable Miss Ingham, back once again with more annoying comments.

"Come in!" he exclaims in irritation, since his mental processes are positively spoiled. While the door opens, he adds angrily, although he is relieved to have a break in his solitude, "Have we decided to play another game today, Miss Ingham? This is the third time in five minutes you've bothered me with your irrelevant questions!"

"I'm sorry to disturb you, Professor," says a completely unexpected voice.

He feels a pang in his heart. This voice is slurred, low and slightly anxious, yet he recognises it immediately. He had heard that voice so many times during his last years at Hogwarts, but in those days, it was ringing like a bell, daring and confident, the true mark of a bold, intelligent, mischievous young woman.

"Miss... Granger?" he asks in absolute surprise.

"It's me, Professor," she says, clearly apologetic, and his eyebrows furrow in the effort of "seeing" her through her words. From the embarrassed silence that follows, he understands that the girl is blaming herself for making him face his limitation with her awkward entry. Finally, she speaks.

"May I come in and talk with you just a moment?"

Curiosity – that irrepressible need to find a diversion for his restless mind – and the knowledge that she, too, has been badly hurt makes him answer more gently than he would have liked.

"You are welcome."

He hears her enter slowly, as if she were regretting her decision. Then she takes a breath, preparing to break the silence, but he is quicker.

"Well?" he asks, sardonic again. "Come to visit your dear old professor?"

"I hope I'm not disturbing you," she begins in her excruciatingly slurred voice.

"As you can see," he emphasises the last two words, "I've nothing to do at the moment..." His voice becomes bitter. "And it seems highly improbable that I will have something more important to do in the near future. So, your point?"

Sounding somehow encouraged by his harsh tone, she says simply, "I've heard you are getting better, and I've come to thank you. Thank you for helping me and saving Ron during the battle. And, of course, for saving Harry and... all the other people in our world..."

A terrible pause follows. She swallows and goes on, her voice trembling a little. "And... I would also like to apologise. I struck you while you were trying to protect us all. I... I hadn't understood. I'm so sorry, Professor! I had always been uncertain about you, but I couldn't believe you were a traitor, even when you... Even after that night with Headmaster Dumbledore." She stops, as though strangled by her own emotions and exhausted by the effort of articulating all these words with her damaged lips. With a choked sob, she adds, "Sorry, I didn't mean to bring that up."

"You have always had the deplorable habit of speaking too much, Miss Granger," he answers in his usual dry tone. "There is nothing you need to apologise for, I assure you. And there is nothing you need to thank me for either. My own person was included in the rescue, so let's say it was only a selfish action."

But she goes on, a little more animatedly, "I also wanted to thank you on Ron's behalf. He cannot come here, so he asked me to present his best regards to you."

"That is very nice indeed of you both," he replies with a twisted smile, his impatience growing. "And it settles the matter once and for all," he adds in a definitive tone.

Another long pause follows. For Severus it's not difficult to perceive her uneasiness: the conversation probably isn't going as she had imagined. Surely she was expecting more empathy, more compassion from a man that shares her pain. But this is exactly why he prefers to be brief.

Then she speaks again. "How are you, Professor? May I ask if they have found something for your eyes?"

"Your impertinence has always been great, Miss Granger, but the incompetence of this so-called hospital is even greater. No, at the moment there is nothing that can be done, and I don't believe there will ever be. Cheer up, Hogwarts and the wizarding world will soon be joyous at the announcement of my retirement."

She says in a whisper, "I'm sorry. What are you going to do then?"

"I don't know, and I don't care at the moment," he replies disdainfully. "And I don't think you should worry about this. What are you going to do instead?" He is carefully avoiding any mention of her wounds. He has never been good at comforting people, and he finds the thought that she could be trying to comfort him strangely intolerable.

"Well," she says pensively, not reacting to his harsh tone, "I've been offered – I mean, Headmistress McGonagall offered me unlimited hospitality at Hogwarts. I think I'll accept her proposal and stay there for the next few months."

"And what about your parents? Do they know what happened? How are you going to explain such a long absence?" For the moment, he is sincerely interested.

"I can always say that I've been asked to do some special research."

"But that is irrational! Wouldn't it be better for you to stay with them?"

"Do you think I want them to see me in this state?!" she replies furiously, raising her voice too much for her damaged lips. So, her next sentence is almost a whisper. "Do you think I could go there and tell them I became a monster while trying to save the world?"

He feels suddenly uncomfortable. "I'm sure that..."

She cuts him off impatiently. "It is lucky that you can't see me. I'm living locked in my room here at St. Mungo's!"

An unpleasant silence falls. Then, as if regretting her outburst, she says in a calmer tone, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. Anyway, soon I'll have a new family. Ron and I are going to get married once his condition stabilises."

This time he is really astonished. "Given the situation, don't you think this is an even more irrational choice?"

Her voice is ringing now, just as it used to at Hogwarts. "I don't expect you to understand. After all, you cannot have changed just because you have saved the world."

He is baffled, and for a moment, he doesn't know what to say. He hears her backing towards the door and he tries to reply, but she interrupts him with cold fury. "I just wanted to thank you, Professor. I hope you will feel better soon. Have a good day."

She immediately exits, leaving him fuming in useless, painful rage.

Interlude I

It is mid afternoon when the door opens again, but this time he has been informed of the important visit he is going to receive. In a way, he feels pleased. In another way, he is worried. What is the consultant of the Minister of Magic going to tell him? And why isn't the Minister coming himself? He is anxious to know, but at the same time, he tries to keep his emotions under control. It has become difficult in this new situation of total vulnerability, but he has to do it. It's a matter of will, as always. And his will has been trained for all of his existence.

The Consultant

Cornelius Fudge enters eagerly and announces himself in that same pompous, falsely cordial tone he uses to handle all embarrassing situations.

"Professor Snape, my dear friend!" he exclaims joyfully, noisily putting something on the table used for meals. "I'm glad to see you have finally recovered! What a wonderful surprise! We were so concerned about your condition, so worried we could possibly lose one of our saviours... the hero we didn't know about!"

Severus tightens his lips. An embarrassed silence follows this sentimental explosion. Then Fudge leans to clasp Severus' hand in his, squeezing it a little. Cornelius' grip is weak and insincere; he knows perfectly well the awful character of the man sitting before him. And he is concerned; if the man should say something unpleasant, he wouldn't know how to answer. He cannot offend a war hero. Even worse, he cannot reply harshly to a blind man. Now the silence makes him feel very uncomfortable as well, and Severus seems to be doing his best to reinforce his uneasiness.

"So, my dear boy," Cornelius takes a seat and resumes talking in the desperate attempt to raise a reaction from the unfriendly man sitting in front of him, "how are you feeling today? Are the people here taking good care of you? We cannot risk disappointing our new celebrity, can we?"

Another forced laugh. Cornelius begins to find the man exasperating, and wishes his task were finished.

"Your visit is an honour, of course" says Severus quietly, "but may I ask why exactly have you come to see me?"

"My dear, dear boy!" yelps Fudge, delighted to have finally received an answer, and a calm one. "I hope you didn't think that the people at the Ministry, and precisely the ones who so incessantly watch over the wizarding population, could leave you here hanging, waiting uselessly when we all are so greatly indebted to you! It has been an uninterrupted party outside here since we received the incredible news of the victory. Unfortunately, you missed the main celebration. You know, everybody was too happy; it simply wasn't possible to wait for your recovery..."

With a conspiratorial smile that is completely lost on his blind listener, Cornelius leans to say confidentially, "Even if I must say that it has been a very sad celebration indeed. The only one who could participate was Harry, and he was understandably pained by the absence of so many of his friends."

"I'm glad he noticed," Severus snorts irritatedly, and Cornelius pauses to look at him, a perplexed look on his face. He will never understand this man! He waits for a moment, but nothing else seems to happen, so he goes on in his most cordial tone.

"But I have a surprise for you. I imagine you would have surely preferred to receive it in public, but, alas, as I told you, it was simply impossible to wait. However, here it is. Order of Merlin, First Class. I am very glad to be the first one to congratulate you on this appointment!"

Severus gives a sharp gasp when the cold weight of the medal meets his fingers, and Fudge obviously interprets it as a comprehensible reaction of astonishment. The consultant smiles knowingly and goes on, happy to have finally found a chink in that impenetrable armour.

"Now, the main reason for my coming here, apart from my personal concern about your well being, is basically a practical one. We want you to know that a considerable pension will be granted to each one of the persons who have fought against You-Know-Who and have particularly distinguished themselves. Of course, individuals who have suffered elevated financial losses or relevant physical damages are in a special position for either a significant reimbursement or a permanent allowance that may permit them to live serenely from now on."

"Very kind of you indeed," Severus replies coldly.

Disconcerted by this inexplicable lack of enthusiasm, Fudge looks wonderingly at the blind man, his cheerful smile fading in uncertainty; then he frowns and adds more harshly than he would have liked, "I'm glad you appreciate our efforts. It's going to cost us a little fortune, but somebody has to repay you for your commitment."

This last declaration seems to hit Severus painfully, and Fudge shifts nervously on his chair. His mission has been accomplished, and there is no need for the consultant to remain. So, as soon as decency allows, Cornelius rises to his feet and bids Severus goodbye, clearly relieved to leave that gloomy room and its dark occupant. His handshake is stronger now, and his laughter is really jovial. With a cheerful smile, he walks out hastily to his office and his career, waving a hand at the Healers and mediwitches looking at him with respect.

Interlude II

Alone again in the darkness, Severus tries to understand what has hurt him so much. Lost in a painful trance, feeling the round shape of the medal in his hand, he lets his mind go back to that cursed night in which Wormtail had decided the destiny of the whole wizarding world and four old friends and enemies had met again. That night, he had been extorted this exact same prize – an Order of Merlin, First Class – and the terrible humiliation and frustration he had undergone has been burning his soul for a long, long time. Today, his heart has only had an accelerated beat before realising how vain, how useless, how stupid the piece of metal is, the hard edges of which brush sharply against his fingers.

His mind wanders in turmoil when, with a sudden pang, he remembers the battle, Dumbledore's ghost and his last words of thanks. An intense, bitter, aching sensation of loss gradually washes over him, soon becoming intolerable. Slowly, he folds his arms on the table and wearily lays his head on them. Forgotten, the precious, useless medal slips from his fingers and lands on the floor with an acute ting.

The Mediwitch

It's evening when Poppy finally finds the time to go and visit her most difficult patient. Normally she is very punctual, but today, feeling nervous and tired, she has been trying to delay her appointment as much as possible. New events are happening. Her life is going to follow a completely different path in the future. Some irrevocable changes are going to take place, and she has been thinking about them the whole day, as she knows that they are going to affect Severus' life as well.

School will soon start again, and she has kindly been urged to resume her role there. Pleased for this welcome opportunity to return to her habitual routine, she has obviously decided to accept the offer. But this will mean leaving the hospital and her actual patients, including Severus. She already knows that her decision is probably going to bother him deeply, but how could she refuse? Hogwarts has been her home for so many years, the main part of her existence! Why should she sacrifice her aspirations for a man who most of the time doesn't even thank her for her commitment? In addition, St. Mungo's has dismissed several fully recovered patients in the last few days, so the staff isn't going to need her help anymore, even if the other mediwizards are scarcely enthusiastic at the idea of taking Severus back in their charge.

Still, being a responsible woman, Poppy is very uncomfortable about her leaving, and feeling her already heavy responsibility becoming heavier, she has spent the main part of the day thinking about her decision and planning the best way to communicate it to her patient, as she expects this to raise a fierce reaction. But surely, she can't go on all her life being his nurse, guardian, foster mother or trainer! Hence, she will have to prepare him as soon as possible for this impending future without her assistance.

Thinking in hindsight, they both knew that this moment would come sooner or later. During all those long weeks in which she had helped him to learn how to survive, she has constantly reminded him that someday he would be forced to manage his life completely by himself. But protective as she has become recently and knowing his financial situation, she has also wondered how this could be possible. He has lost his previous job, he obviously can't apply for a new one, and he doesn't come from a rich family. To make the picture even darker, nobody except she seems to be really concerned about his future, in spite of the important role he has played in the victory. She has therefore evaluated the opportunity of a discreet enquiry at the Ministry to present his case. To be even surer, she has already sent them an owl to ask for an appointment. Although in the meantime, the situation seems to have unexpectedly started to develop by itself, as Cornelius Fudge was expected to visit him today. But she doesn't believe in that vain, pompous man. He has always focused only on his career, and now that things are going to be better, he will tenaciously avoid any possible complication that could spoil his plans of a renewed success.

On the other hand, if nothing should happen, maybe a private audience with the Minister himself could help. After all, Poppy Pomfrey and Rufus Scrimgeour were schoolmates in their younger days, even if they cordially disliked each other right from the beginning. So, why not? She could try this final effort before considering her moral debt totally paid. However, she sincerely hopes that a convenient solution will be found in the meantime; otherwise she is afraid that she will feel obliged to remain at Severus' side. But now, how to prepare him, at least for the idea of her approaching departure?

Lost in meditation, she knocks twice to announce herself as she normally does, but this time she is unpleasantly surprised at not receiving the usual irritated reply. Immediately worried, she opens the door and enters hastily. Severus is curled on the table, placidly sleeping, head on his arms, his breathing soft and regular. Relieved, a kind smile playing on her lips, she approaches as quietly as possible, trying to decide what to do. It's dinnertime, but she hates the idea of awakening him from this peaceful slumber. However, as always, it's Severus himself to put an end to her hesitation; his reflexes have always been quick, and they have become even quicker since the moment he became blind. His head instinctively snaps up in alarm as she gets near, and she is pained to see how his eyes open wide in the effort to see something, even after so many days of uninterrupted darkness. She immediately announces herself.

"It's me, Severus. Sorry if I have disturbed you, but it's dinnertime."

She sounds slightly anxious, so he questioningly "looks" at her. His lips are strangely trembling, but his tone is calm when he replies. "No need of apologies, Poppy. I was only... dreaming."

His voice breaks, and he clenches his fists, seeming to resist some unknown emotion. Feeling surprisingly moved, Poppy lowers her head in embarrassment – sometimes she forgets he cannot see – and, doing so, she notices the golden medal on the floor.

"An Order of Merlin, First Class!" she gasps in astonishment while she bends to collect the heavy decoration. She places it gently in his hands, suddenly radiant. "Oh, Severus," she exclaims, "this is fantastic! We will have to order something special for your dinner tonight! It was Cornelius who brought it to you, wasn't it? What did he say?"

"I'm afraid I don't remember too well," he says, indifferent at her joy, toying distractedly with his award. Poppy looks at him, a perplexed frown on her wise, old face. How remarkably peculiar is this attitude! The Severus she used to know had suffered so much from the loss of this same decoration years ago that he had revengefully succeeded in making his hated colleague, Professor Lupin, resign his job and leave Hogwarts in dishonour. The memory still disturbs her very much, as she has always liked the nice, kind and unfortunate Remus Lupin, right from the days when he was a child and she used to help him through the pain of his transformation. In the grim silence that follows, each one of them absorbed in their thoughts, Poppy suddenly notices a sealed roll of parchment on the table. Surprised, she picks it up and turns to look at him again.

"And what about this parchment? Did he read it to you? It's still sealed," she enquires, wondering if this could be the reason of his sadness. But this time he is genuinely amazed.

"A parchment?" he exclaims. Now he looks excited again, really impatient, and as a result, he becomes rude. "Well, what the hell are you waiting for? You know I can't read it!"

Suppressing a harsh reply, Poppy opens the roll with slightly trembling hands. This man and his irritating reactions have always had the power to exasperate her, and today she is already feeling nervous! Thankfully, as she quickly glances over the text, a big smile grows on her face. The news is wonderful! She lets her happiness transpire through her words. "This is a letter from the Cabinet of the Ministry's Assistants, declaring that you have been assigned a pension for war merits. Attached there is also a note establishing the various possibilities and amounts you can request and... Oh, Severus, Cornelius personally signed two of them, and they are the biggest! You have been listed for 'distinguished actions' and for 'relevant physical damages'. If you add them together, this should give you a monthly income of..." and she tells him a figure she is sure he would have never dreamt to hear.

He lights up in excitement. At least something good has finally happened. She is so delighted! It's the answer to all her worries; a relief for her, a new life for him, freedom for both! The evening couldn't have ended in a better way.

Interlude III

Forcefully holding the medal in his hand, Severus now waits for his special dinner, mind full of innumerable options. For the first time after his awakening, he feels confident, powerful and safe again. Maybe the obscure times – he dares to remember Dumbledore's words – have finally ended. His brain is working full force now, and he doesn't react with his usual harshness at Poppy's jubilant comments. He is so caught up in his calculations that he almost doesn't notice her thrilled joy.

With a sum like that, he can afford to purchase a new house, to have house-elves to serve him, to buy new clothes and furniture and rare food, even to travel... in a word, to enjoy life like he has never done before! In a different way, perhaps, but still a marvellous perspective. And who knows, maybe in another country he could find the cure his compatriots haven't.

But to this new happiness is soon added a drop of bitterness. Practical as always, Poppy immediately takes this joyful opportunity to prepare him and announce – very, very carefully, of course – the news of her future. He shouldn't have been affected by this revelation, at least not now that there is a new life waiting for him.

Instead, surprisingly, he feels incredibly outraged. He had begun to consider Poppy and Miss Ingham as two annoying but useful appendices in his life. Now he realises that he will have to start everything again, teaching some unknown house-elf how to manage his needs and facing every occurrence by himself. This unpleasant perspective makes him feel oddly disappointed, and as a result, his mood begins to oscillate from a deep joy to a resentful nastiness while his mind swings unsteadily in emotion.

The Boy

It's late evening when Madam Pomfrey is called out of the room. The dinner was excellent, but not as enjoyable as it could have been, given her patient's most unpleasant mood. Challenged by his irritating manners, her temper too has begun to rise alarmingly. She is a kind, patient, tolerant woman, but too much is too much, and today she is finding him exasperating. Therefore, she is very happy to have an excuse to leave him alone.

To her great surprise and joy, Harry Potter is there waiting for her outside of the door. She embraces him tenderly. How the boy has changed in these last weeks! His voice has become grave, definitely adult, and his eyes are always serious. That mischievous, joyful smile that sometimes lightened his traits when he was at Hogwarts has completely disappeared after the last severe trials he has undergone, and he now looks like an austere, dignified young man.

Accepting her warm welcome, Harry affectionately kisses Poppy on the cheek, then says quietly, "I just got in and saw Ron and Hermione. I wanted to see Remus as well, but he is already asleep. However, I was told that he is feeling better... At least, he seems to be. Anyway, when I said I wanted to see you, too, Hermione mentioned that Professor Snape is out of his coma and that he is well... but he won't be able to see anymore! Is it true? Is there really nothing that can be done to help him regain his sight?"

Poppy is looking in sad amazement at the boy. So wounded, yet so generous! The man whose condition he is so anxiously enquiring about has done his best to ruin Harry's life in school, yet the boy is sincerely concerned about him. With a sigh, she explains the situation in short but precise words, and Harry nods thoughtfully in understanding. Then, with sudden hesitation, so strange on the lips of the Dark Lord's conqueror, he asks timidly, "I know that it's late, but I would really like... I mean, may I see him now?"

Poppy manages a tired smile. "You know him, Harry. He is still a difficult man. He doesn't like to be surprised. I will have to ask. If you don't mind waiting here..."

Quietly, she goes back in the room, but Severus has stiffened in his chair. She realises that he has overheard the conversation right outside his door, and now, his anger seems to be escalating. He declares furiously, anticipating her question, "So, the great Harry Potter has finally deigned to come. Well, I have some interesting news for him! I'm not going to receive anybody tonight. Let him wait as much as I did. Perhaps this will teach him something."

Poppy tightens her lips and shakes her head in disbelief. Then, not caring to hide her disappointment, she asks firmly, "Are you sure? The boy has just arrived from a long trip and came here to see you as soon as he knew you had improved. Don't you think he should deserve a better treatment?"

But he is resolute in his stubbornness. The shadows of his feelings are altering his face, and Poppy can almost perceive his grim considerations. Finally, the long awaited Harry Potter has come! At last, somebody who must ask Severus' permission, who is totally depending on Severus' decisions, even better, who has to bow to them! This is going to be a cruel satisfaction for the boy's former professor, a memorable occasion that Severus will no doubt use to vent all the frustration he has accumulated.

"Severus!" Positively angry, Poppy interrupts his thoughts, and he reacts like the child he sometimes becomes. That is, ceding her victory... but not completely.

"No! I'm too tired now! Tell him to come tomorrow morning if he really wants to see me!" he finally utters, then crosses his arms and turns his head, obstinately refusing to listen any longer.

With a deep sigh, Poppy leaves. Harry already knows and smiles quietly while she reports the message.

"Always the same nasty bastard!" he remarks, and unexpectedly amused, he declares, "Well, if he keeps going like this, there is still a hope!" Looking at her sad, tired face, he adds in a soft, comforting tone, "I'll be here again tomorrow, don't worry. Have a good night and thank you so much, Madam Pomfrey, for everything you have done for us... and for him."

Speechless, Poppy stares at him incredulously. It has been a hard day and she is still very upset, so his kind, sympathetic reply makes her feel suddenly vulnerable. Tears begin to prickle at the corners of her eyes while she fumbles for words. But with his new amazing capacity of understanding, the boy has already kissed her again and leaves silently in the darkness of the night.