Not Myself

Severus Snape, greasy git and bat of the dungeons, sat facing his unlit hearth as if bewitched. He was lost in thought, and in the empty space of his gaze, he saw himself, just as empty and without light or the heat it generated.

He felt cold. It was not an unknown emotion to him, just one that he had long forgotten.

It was as if he would have preferred to be a real monster, visible to all. 'Bat of the dungeons' had remained his identity for decades, created by the over-active imaginations of the measly dunderheads. He almost wished this incessant rumor would be true. If he were a vampire, he would roam the castle at night, bite unsuspecting victims and sate his appetites until he was in need again. At least then his actions would have a purpose. People would understand his function in life ... to forever be in need ... and this need would be filled through the suffering of others. It would be clear; they would know... He would know.

But as it was now, he was just as unclear as the rest of society, save the dunderheads, who continued to fear him. Only now, there was good reason to. His monster had emerged, and with this revelation came another nexus point in his life. Would he embrace this beast or fight against it?

And, in keeping with family tradition, his personal battle had been met head on with enough firewhisky to inebriate the troops, and thankfully, with a troop of one, there was enough firewhisky to keep him blissfully Confunded for days. Sitting on the floor, his nose inches from the empty fireplace, Severus Snape enjoyed the increasing stupor his second bottle of the night was affording him. It was now the morning after he'd asked Remus to take Hermione home, and sleep had yet to find him. After entering his bedroom to change clothes for the night, Severus' eyes had fallen upon his bed, and although void of physical evidence of anything remiss, his memory had been enough to remind him of his culpability. He would not welcome sleep tonight, and he was not sure he would ever want to welcome sleep again, considering the nightmares he was sure to find within.

Now that morning was upon him, Severus had a full schedule ahead, and he was in no condition to teach anyone. Reaching an unbalanced hand toward the Floo powder, he grabbed a handful and threw it into the unlit hearth, calling for his boss.

"MINERVA!" yelled Severus into the fireplace.

"Severus, I'm here. Is everything okay? Are you all right?" asked Minerva as she ran toward the Floo, assuming the worst, considering the urgency in the man's voice.

"Yes, woman, everything is just delightful," Severus responded with his unique brand of indifference designed to unbalance its recipient. "I'm in no condition, in no mood, and definitely have no desire to teach today. Please see to it that a replacement is found forthwith."

"Oh, really, and just who do you think I can find with only a hair's notice?"

"Woman, do you see 'headmaster' written on my forehead? What do I care? Get Hagrid or the wolf."

"Severus, there's nothing wrong with you that a nice Hangover Potion won't remedy; now, move over."

"What?"

"I said move over, NOW!" And with that statement, Minerva entered his chambers through the Floo. Dusting off soot from her sleep robes, Minerva scanned his chambers in awe at her discovery. "What in God's name has happened here? This place looks like hell!"

"Yes, Minerva, for once in your life, you are correct. This is hell, and I am Lucifer, and hell is where I belong."

"Oh, Severus, my dear boy, stop being so melodramatic. Get off your arse, make yourself a Hangover Potion, and get yourself to class!"

"Albus would've shown concern instead of ordering me around," Severus responded, black eyes burning for a fight.

"Do I look like I have a beard?" Minerva retorted, effectively deflating his desire to fight.

"Woman, I will not; I cannot attend to my classes today. And no," Severus continued, anticipating her retort, "I will not create nor consume any Hangover Potion because I have no desire to rid myself of my current state of mind. Therefore, please leave."

"Severus, what is wrong?"

"So, now you care? No, please leave before I do something I will regret." Severus volleyed his empty threat, and by the look on Minerva's face, she recognized the empty threat for what it was: Severus was deeply troubled.

"I will check in on you later."

"Don't do me any favors."

"I'm not, I just want to make sure you get out of your funk so you can teach classes tomorrow. You know, some of us have our own classes to attend to." And with that last reply she was gone, worry and concern written all over her face.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"So, then, what do you want, Hermione?" Remus asked.

"I'm not clear, Remus. But I am rather certain that in those ten minutes I was not raped. However, I cannot explain any possible reason why Severus would cast a Binding Charm on me." Hermione looked at Remus with a fiery determination in her eyes. "No, I want my memories back, Remus, and I'm going to get them back!"

And Hermione stormed out to have her memories returned to her... and ran right into Hooch.

"Ouch, Hermione, that hurt. Watch yourself!"

"Sorry, I didn't see you there. I was in sort of a hurry, and I didn't look. Are you okay?" Hermione was concerned when she saw Hooch cradling her arm where Hermione had bumped into her.

"Oh, don't worry your pretty little head over it. I'll be fine. It's nothing that a little tender loving won't cure." Hermione was about to walk past Hooch toward the dungeons when Hooch placed a hand on her shoulder, saying, "So, Hermione, where are you running off to, or shall I ask, who are you running away from? Is it the full moon yet? So, how was Remus?"

It seemed like nothing in her life was easy. All Hermione wanted to do was go to Severus and get her memories back, and now Hooch was asking weird questions. Hermione was confused and asked, "What do you mean how he was?"

"You know, in bed, dear. In the sack, the old bump and grind, the..."

"What are you babbling about, Hooch?" Hermione was offended and snapped back.

"Isn't this your area of expertise, girl?"

"Please, Hooch, I'm really in no mood for any games."

"What a pity. Well, I've just finished with dinner, dear, and now that I've run into you, or shall I say, you've run into me, and since I'm apparently now in need of some tender loving care, I'm wondering if you would like to join me for a nightcap?"

"No more bloody nightcaps!" Hermione shrieked, and prepared to run away in search of Severus, when Remus emerged from his chambers and approached her from behind, effectively ending her escape.

"Hello, Hooch," Remus said and Hermione noticed him looking between her and Hooch while maintaining a firm grip on Hermione's arm "Is something wrong here, Hermione?"

Before she could answer, she noticed Hooch peering over their shoulders into Remus' chambers through the open doorway, obviously in search of something or someone. Hermione looked toward Remus, who picked up on her silent question, and asked, "Hooch, might I ask you what you're looking for?"

"Sorry to be so nosey, chap, but I figured I would find Severus lurking in there."

"Now, why would Severus be in my chambers?"

"Don't get defensive on me, boy, I just figured that wherever Hermione was, Severus wouldn't be far behind. No one's seen him all day, and Minerva has cancelled all of his classes. Didn't you know, Remus?"

"No, I didn't notice," Remus responded, brow furrowed and deep in thought.

"Yes, well, I guess, old man, your wolf senses are getting a bit rusty. Though, isn't tomorrow night the full moon? Shouldn't you be able to smell a woman a mile away this close to your transformation?"

Remus glared at her. "What I can smell is the foul garlic you had for dinner, Hooch."

"Oh, the wolf is getting irritated and bearing his big bad teeth. Then surely you should be able to tell that Severus was absent from breakfast, absent from lunch and absent from dinner. Not to mention the scowl that Minerva has been wearing all day. She practically snapped at me when I asked her where her favorite deputy was. Not very perceptive for a werewolf, are you?"

"Would you please both stop it for a moment," Hermione asked, clearly frustrated with their banter. "What's happened to Severus? Has he visited Poppy?"

"I don't know, haven't asked."

"Well, thank you for the information and your interesting conversation, but Remus and I should be moving on. Thank you, again."

As Hooch walked away, Hermione started out in the opposite direction in search of some answers until she realized that Remus had not followed her. She turned around and noticed him still stationed in front of his open chamber door, seemingly unaware of Hermione's retreat.

"Remus," Hermione called as she walked back to where he was, "why do you look so distraught?"

"Hermione, I know you want to find Severus so you can get your memories returned to you, and I will do what I can to help. But if we can't find him, I'm afraid I will not be in control of my condition when the full moon comes tomorrow evening," Remus said as he finally lifted his head, looked into her eyes, and showed her the pain and worry that lay underneath his stare. "I'm due for my first dose of Wolfsbane tonight and my second tomorrow, just before the transformation. Without my dose tonight, it won't matter how many doses I consume tomorrow; I will not be able to maintain my faculties upon my transformation."

"Oh, Remus, I didn't realize!" Hermione shrieked in shock. "I am so sorry to be so selfish and only thinking of myself... We will need to find Severus."

"First, we have a bigger problem on our hands. If I don't get my evening dose, I will have to leave the school grounds and find a secure area where I cannot harm anyone." Remus sealed his chamber door with a wave of his wand, turned toward Hermione and said, "I haven't been without my Wolfsbane for several years. I almost don't remember what it's like to lose myself to the wolf.... We need to go see Minerva about this."

As Hermione rushed to catch up to Remus' purposeful trot, she said, "I agree, but we do not say anything about the other thing, you understand?"

"Yes."

As they approached the gargoyle leading to Minerva's office, Hermione said, "Remus, don't you think you really need to start to learn to make that for yourself?"

With a weak smile, Remus held her hand and said, "Nessie," and escorted her up the spiral staircase that presented itself upon mention of the password.

Hermione asked, "Who's 'Nessie'?"

"Nessie is Minerva's childhood pet, which now lives in Loch Ness in the Great Glen in Northern Scotland."

"You're kidding me, right?"

"No, dear, come," Remus said as he led her into the Headmistress' office upon hearing her irritable 'enter', instructing the visitors in.

"Oh, Remus, Hermione, please do come in. Sorry for my current disposition, I've been irritable all day. Anything I can help you dears with?"

"Yes, Minerva, I just found out that Severus has not been seen all day and that you have had to cancel all of his classes," Remus said as he looked upon his mentor, friend, and boss.

"Yes, that is true. Severus is at the moment... held up."

"Yes, well, then does that mean that you know where he is?"

"Yes, I do. He is in his chambers and is not to be disturbed."

"Please," Hermione said, "we need to speak with him."

"I'm sorry, but Severus is with a very special guest that has demanded that no one interrupt them. When they are through, I will know forthwith."

"Minerva, I will share with you my concern so that you can understand the gravity of this situation. I am scheduled to take my first dose of Wolfsbane tonight, as tomorrow night is the full moon. If I do not obtain tonight's dose..."

"Oh, my, yes, then tomorrow night you will not recall yourself upon your transformation."

"Yes, so you see, as Severus brews my Wolfsbane, I need to find him and drink my potion before midnight."

Hermione noticed the concern in the Headmistress' eyes.

"Remus," Minerva said, looking at both guests, "please go to your chamber and wait for my summons. I will find out what their status is and call for you as soon as I am able."

"Thank you, Minerva," Remus said, resolved to wait.

As they walked toward the office door, Hermione turned around and asked, "Minerva, you said that Severus was with a very special guest..." Though she was reluctant to be asking a question as her childish fear of being scolded tried to overtake her, she continued, "Who is he with?"

"He's with Albus Dumbledore."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The hearth in front of Severus blazed to life with the face of Minerva McGonagall in the green flames. It hadn't been half-an-hour since Minerva's first unwanted visit, and here she was again, instituting herself where she was not welcome.

"What do you want?"

"Shut up and listen to me."

While she was angry, Severus took pleasure in knowing that she was too scared to come through the Floo, and while still meddling, she was at least meddling from a distance.

"I've got half a mind to physically shake you back to your senses. I don't know what the heck is wrong with you, Severus Snape, but I am going to do everything in my power to get you back to work tomorrow! And as you refuse to listen to me, I've spoken with someone who I think you would be interested in speaking to."

"No one! I will be speaking with no one, so remove yourself before I stomp out the flames with your face still in the Floo connection."

Before Severus could fathom what was happening, his reflexes now slowed from the two almost complete bottles of firewhisky in his gut, he reacted by grasping onto the object Minerva pushed through the flames. As he took hold of it, Minerva retreated and ended the connection. Looking down at what he had accepted through sheer reflex, he saw the frown of Albus Dumbledore looking up at him from the portrait. For a moment, Severus could not understand why this portrait looked so different from what he normally saw in Minerva's office, and then he realized... Albus was not smiling. That's when Severus knew that the frown on the old man's face was directed at him.

"Minerva was wrong," Severus said to the picture.

"About what, my boy?"

"When I said I didn't want to speak with anyone... that also included my dead headmaster."

"I may be dead and confined to a portrait, my dear boy, but that in no way means that you're going to be getting rid of me."

"Oh, please, I could get rid of you if I wanted."

"Okay, so then throw me out a window.... Oh, what's this? You have no windows? Oh, yes, I nearly forgot. Rather smart of me to stick you in the dungeons, don't you think? Although why you chose to stay down here is beyond me."

"I stay down here to be as far away from everyone else as I possibly can. Though, it is beyond me why I stay here at Hogwarts at all."

"I agree, Severus. With your unique disposition, I'm sure you can find yourself gainful employment in the customer service industry."

~*~

"Albus, so there you have the entire story. The monster has returned, and it is I," Severus said in full theatrical repose. "So, you see how I can no longer see fit to be the Severus Snape you wanted me to be. I know you meant well, Albus, but I am not honorable, trustworthy or true. I am vile and ignominious."

"My dear boy, from what you've shared, it is clear to me that you are not a monster. But first, in order for us to have a meaningful discussion, we both need to be sober. I'll stop consuming lemon drops if you'll cut out the booze?"

Severus looked at the old man, his friend and mentor, and felt an emotion long forgotten; he felt true friendship and camaraderie. The only person he'd ever felt close to was Albus, and despite placing him in nefarious positions time and time again, this man, his friend, had loved him regardless of his past, his present, or his future. Severus was fond of him and had missed feeling that way about another human being.

"Albus, only for you." And pointing his wand at his last firewhisky bottle, he said, "Evanesco," and Vanished its contents. Severus stood up, removed himself from his spot on the floor in front of the hearth, and plopped himself down onto his couch. He then propped Albus up on his end table facing him.

"I Vanished all of my whisky, but how can I make sure you keep your end of the bargain with your candy tray sitting in front of you there, full of your foul sweet confections?"

"Severus, if I 'Evanesco' my treats, I won't be able to get them back, so you'll just have to trust me. Agreed?"

"Agreed."

"Now, Severus, let me share with you my understanding of what you have shared with me. It appears that you and Miss Granger... ah, yes, I guess she is Doctor Granger, now, isn't she?

"Yes."

"Well, it appears that you and Doctor Granger... ah, that sounds too formal. If you don't mind, I shall call her Hermione."

"I'm sure she would not mind. As for me, what I mind is inconsequential."

"What you mind is never inconsequential, my dear boy; don't you see that? To me, you have always been the most important person in my life, and even in my death. You are, to me, the son I never had. And even in death, to know what I have asked of you and to have asked you to take my life... I couldn't have trusted such a personal act to anyone other than the person I trusted most in this life... you, my dear boy. To think of the many dangers I have willingly placed you in... whether for the greater good or not, you, my dear boy, are never inconsequential. You are my pride, and I am honored that you have allowed me into your life."

"As fond as I am of you, Albus, you remain a foolish old man."

"That I am," Albus said through his generous smile. "I may be a foolish old man, but with good reason, my son. I am here with you, and I feel as if life has given me a second chance with you, my dear boy... even if that second chance is in death."

"What are you on about?"

"You, Severus. Life is affording me another opportunity to spend quality time with you. To give you advice, free of all other possible motivations. There is no war to sidetrack me, and you are no longer a vehicle to wield in wartime. I am free to be the father I have always felt I should be for you, whom I desired to be for you, but whom I had to hold back, as how could I send my boy, my son, into the bowels of the devil time and time again? And yet I did. Severus, it pained me to do so. But here, life has given me an opportunity to be the man I should've been for you, the person you deserved me to be, instead of the person I was."

Severus was crying. He hated to cry. It was good for nothing... It could only show weakness. But now, he could not help himself.

"Severus, look at me, please."

He lifted his head in response to his friend and openly wept. Severus was not a man to cry, but whether from the sheer force of his emotions or that in combination with alcohol, here with Albus, he felt he could, for once, show his vulnerability. He searched for some meaningful words to reply, but he couldn't find any. He was too caught up, too emotionally connected to this man, to hear his sincerity behind every word without being affected by it. It caused something deep within the bowels of his existence to crumble. It caused him to remember himself. He was Severus Snape, a warrior, and he would engage the beast!

~*~

Severus and Albus talked for most of the day. They talked about fighting the beast, about winning and not allowing the monster to be in control. They talked about power and control, need and want, love and forgiveness... Albus helped Severus to realize that he had been running on instinct. Fear and anger had invaded his soul, and his instincts had taken over, causing him to head down a road it would be difficult to return by. But Albus was adamant that Severus had not turned into the beast! He had allowed his true self to come through, with his honesty, truth, and trustworthiness to outshine the beast. He hadn't taken the girl; he hadn't violated her.

Was he now free of complete culpability? No, Severus knew that he was not. But he could now bear the weight of this guilt, knowing that he had stopped himself before completely harming Hermione, before the beast had taken him to a place that he could never return from. He hadn't wanted to harm Hermione at all. He'd actually begun to be very fond of her. Yes, he'd wanted to have sex with her, but he'd also wanted to spend time with her and enjoy her company. He had let down his defenses and found he had a soft spot for the girl. He hadn't felt this way in a very long time. He wasn't accustomed to acknowledging his emotions to himself, let alone express them to another living soul.

Talking with Albus brought new life to both men, albeit even in death for the one. Albus was euphoric and jubilant, and Severus was acting as a free man would when pardoned of a lifetime of sins. Albus definitely wasn't God to pardon his sins, but he was his father--not biologically, but in every other sense of the word. And it felt good to be loved, really loved. Was he fond of this old man? Yes, but it went beyond that for him, and he was now able to admit it. He loved Albus.

Severus, needing to eat, had contacted a house-elf to bring him supper, and he'd eaten while sitting next to Albus' painting. Albus chided Severus, saying he was engaging in cruel and unusual punishment, eating in front of a dead man who was unable to ever eat again.

"What of your lemon drops? Surely you can sit and eat as many as you like, considering the painting will continue to replenish them."

"As fond as I am of my darling lemon drops, my dear boy, they cannot hold a candle to a good steak. So hurry up and finish eating before I fill up my painting with drool."

As they continued with their banter, Minerva interrupted their reverie and entered through the Floo. With her sour disposition that both men easily identified as deep worry, she said, "So, what is this? We wait outside these walls for some word, some semblance of anything, whilst the two of you eat, drink, and enjoy one another? I have half a mind to lock Albus up in my desk for the next ten hours and see if he likes being held prisoner in one's own school!"

"I could use the rest, my dear. Severus has worn me out."

Minerva walked towards the man and his picture and said, "Gentlemen, while I know you could probably spend days together, we have an urgent situation on our hands." Minerva turned to speak directly to Severus. "I have received a visit from a very concerned Remus asking about your whereabouts, as he is scheduled to have his first dose of Wolfsbane tonight, as tomorrow night is the..."

"Oh, my God," Severus exclaimed, "I've been so consumed in self-pity that I completely forgot about his potion!" Severus bolted from his chambers and into his private lab where he had been brewing the Wolfsbane for over a week. Minerva made to follow him when Albus stopped her with an "Ahem", and she picked him up and followed Severus.

Severus loomed over the boiling cauldron with a scowl on his face. He was studying its color and density, and then he knew. It would not be ready in time and the full moon would not wait. He had failed to add the vital ingredient, minced runespoor eggs: a common black market ingredient, but necessary in quantity, quality, and timeliness of introduction into the concoction.

"It's too late, I can't finish it in time," Severus solemnly said to both guests.

"Can you do without it, Severus?"

"Minerva, it's a wonder you're headmistress at all! Of course I can't do without it. It's the runespoor eggs that enhance mental ability; that is the reason the whole potion keeps Remus from dementia!" Severus was livid and began pacing the room back and forth. "There is nothing I can do to salvage this," he continued, his hands waving about in frustration. "I will have to inform Remus. There will be no avoiding the wolf this month for him."

"Severus, please don't be so cruel, this is serious!" Minerva shrieked.

"Woman, cruel I am not being! If I wanted to be cruel, I would never have brewed this damnable potion for him in the first place! I didn't want this to happen if that's what you're thinking! I was just too caught up..." he stared at his friend in the picture, "too caught up in my own madness... but then someone helped me see my way home again. I may not be able to brew this potion to completion, but I may be able to ease his pain." Severus continued with determination, "Minerva, you said that Remus came to see you?"

"Yes, he did, and I am supposed to contact him as soon as I am able."

"Well then, please see to it that you do, and bring him here. I shall like to talk with him."

"Very well, I'll be right back," Minerva said, and within moments she was gone.

"What are you thinking, Severus?" Albus asked.

"I'm not certain it will work, but let me ask you a question. Where does Remus go for the transformation?"

"I don't know what he does lately, but he used to go to the Shrieking Shack. Of course, I never approved of that. It always made me feel even sorrier for the poor boy. He deserves more respect and better surroundings."

"I'd agree. I've never regarded him so much as to ask him where he spends his transformation. I always assumed that he remained at the castle. Of course, when he was properly remedied. I would venture to guess that it has been a great while since he lost himself to the wolf, as I've brewed his Wolfsbane for several years now."

Minerva returned with Remus and Hermione, and as soon as Severus saw the haunted looks in their eyes, he knew that Minerva had informed them. With no safe way to remain free from guilt, he approached the pair and said, "Remus, I apologize, but I failed to add the vital ingredient and as such, there is no way the Wolfsbane will be ready for you."

"I understand, Severus... I know you tried."

"No, I didn't try. And that is not excusable!"

"You have never failed me before in the several years you have taken it upon yourself to provide me with the Wolfsbane, and I remain forever grateful. By the way, it's only one month, right?" Remus tried to have a positive outlook, but he failed as he was truly scared of losing his mind to the wolf.

"Severus, what are you saying? That you didn't try?" Hermione was upset and assumed that Severus purposefully ruined the potion.

"Hermione, I spent the day... not myself, and I lost track of time."

"You spent the day not yourself? Well, now Remus will spend the day not himself, but he'll be a werewolf!"

"Hermione, please," Remus interjected, "don't make this more difficult. Severus has apologized, and I accept his apology. I believe him that this was not done purposefully. He has never let me down before, and there is no reason I should believe otherwise now."

"Hermione," Severus said, "I can understand your suspicions, but I've never done anything to harm Remus. But I can understand why you would think that I'm evil personified. Until recently, I thought the same myself."

Hermione looked at Severus Snape, trying to find the evil within, or even trying to find the imitation Severus she had encountered so many times during the last week, but she only found sincerity. Something must be wrong because this side of him didn't seem to suit him either.

"Severus," Albus said, "why don't you share with us what you're planning, in light of the current situation."

"Ah, yes, thank you, Albus," Severus said as he motioned for Remus and the others to sit down in the available chairs around his desk. He removed his chair from behind his desk to sit amongst his guests. "Remus, I may not be able to provide you with the Wolfsbane so you can maintain your faculties during your transformation, but what I think I may be able to do is provide you with high doses of an aesthetic agent used to relieve severe pain. If ingested in higher quantities and with a higher concentration, it has the potential to put the wolf to sleep so that he can sleep through this transformation, and essentially, he will not feel the need to... well, do what wolves do."

"It sounds dangerous," Minerva said.

"Oh, it is. I've never made it and I've never seen it administered in the high dosage that I feel this will require. But I am willing to try if Remus is."

"Severus, I am willing to try anything not to be lost to the wolf. Not to mention the danger I pose in that wild state."

"It will not be easy. I will need to attend to the medication without fail, and I will have to have constant access to you, Remus, to administer your doses, as I believe they will need to be administered every hour or so in order to keep you highly medicated.

"Minerva, we will need a safe place to house Remus, just in case this is not successful."

"You're putting yourself in grave danger, Severus, if this doesn't work!" Minerva cried.

"Greater danger would be to leave him alone without any chance of coming through this unscathed."

"Severus, you can't do this alone!" Minerva continued her worrying.

"I am always alone, dear. I can do it because it is who I am."

"Severus, no. I can and will help you," Hermione said. "You will not be alone."

To Be Continued...

A/N:

High Five to Jackie, my first beta, and to Wartcap for the re-beta and the constant encouragement! High Five to SiriusWoman for the once over.

* Will Remus lose himself to the wolf?

* Will Hermione and Severus shag while the wolf is asleep?

* Has the talk with Albus put Severus on the road to recovery?

* Will IT begin working at the command of IT's owner now?

* Is Hermione the only one who IT will respond to?

* Who will get the girl in the end?

* Come on now, don't tell me you've never thought of why the heck doesn't Remus just learn how to make the darn potion himself, right?

* Don't you just want to shag Remus?

Some of the above questions are courtesy of SiriusWoman.

~Ruthie