Virtues of Snape

Summary: Severus experiences Erectile Dysfunction. Hermione is a Sex Therapist. Will she be able to cure him?

~*~

CHAPTER TWO: Virtues of Snape

After the last of his classes, Severus sat slumped at his desk, exhausted and feeling as if he'd been buggered by the brainless dunderheads he was forced to teach. In one day he'd lost two cauldrons, one melted by a first year that apparently couldn't comprehend the difference between dicing and mincing; the second cauldron exploded in a blaze of glory reminiscent of the Weasley twins, and by a sixth year, no less. It seemed like he'd taken hundreds of points off today from every single brainless twit that'd had the misfortune to look at him the wrong way, or be in his path. Today he was an Equal Opportunity Points Deduction Master, and he discriminated against all.

The world was going to Hell. It was still toying with him even after the Dark Lord had turned to dust. Running his fingers over his scalp and through his lank hair, he breathed a sigh of frustration and began to ask God what the hell He was thinking, giving him this dreadful existence. His childhood, laced with unending pain, had been tainted by the wrath of unloving parents. At Hogwarts he'd been reviled and humiliated. As a young man he'd been nothing more than a slave to the Dark Lord, followed swiftly by his servitude to a different master, Albus Dumbledore. He'd been sent to Azkaban, freed after a couple of months through the unwavering testimony to his innocence that only a Pensieve could provide. Thank God Albus had the foresight to save the memory of his forcing him into an Unbreakable Vow to end his life, if and when death was inevitable.

While he was no longer in Azkaban, he felt he was in his own kind of hell. He was now Lord-free and should be living a joyous existence, but he was still teaching dunderheads and unable to take another job, as the Wizarding community is not as forgiving as the Ministry's court system. Ironic, really.

And despite his being miserable on a day-to-day basis, he had always found release in the basic pleasures of life. And now, he was without his manhood. As much as he hated to admit it, he had indeed lost his fuckability.

Remembering Hermione's advertisement in today's Daily Prophet, he removed his copy, found the ad, clipped it, and finally was able to examine, in detail, his own copy.

Sex Therapist... Sexual desires... Sexual problems...

How could life fuck with him so sufficiently?

He had a very embarrassing problem. He would love to explore his sexual desires. He could care less about exploring the root of his sexual problems, but he just wanted IT to work! Why in Merlin's name was Hermione the only Sex Therapist in the Wizarding world? His former student!

"There is no fucking way that I can go to her to explore any desires, and worse, find the root to my sexual problems!"

"Bugger it all to hell!" He placed Hermione's advertisement into the middle of the nearest book, and as he made his way into his chambers, he set the book on a bookshelf in his personal library.

'I'll be okay, I just need the right bitch to fuck.' With that thought, he went to his shower to bathe and attempt to take matters into his own hands for now.

~*~

Minerva had decided that it would be best for Hermione to visit Hogwarts during the Halloween Feast, and making it a reunion of sorts, she invited Harry and Ron as well.

Severus just kept asking God why He was out to get him. Hadn't he paid enough retribution in his life? He continued to get fucked every which way but Tuesday, and even then, Tuesdays were not always pleasant.

The weeks had gone by rather quickly, and if the dunderheads were any indication, tonight was the night of the Halloween Feast. At the last Potions class of the day, his menacing attitude combined with the long, arduous day of classes usually had the dunderheads weak and weary. But today they were alert and very chatty, and they hadn't even consumed their sugar laden holiday treats yet.

It was time for his very own Snape Personal Inventory Checklist, or SPIC, as he liked to refer to it. Not that he was ever adverse to name calling, whether it was an individual or a group of individuals. Case in point: 'dunderheads'. But he wasn't a purist and he definitely wasn't a racist. Therefore, SPIC held no negative connotations for his sensibilities, if he even believed that he had any.

'And those Puerto Rican ladies... uummmm, no matter what size or age, they're always so sexy and beautiful.'

'Okay, to SPIC.'

'One: Growl firmly in place; check. Two: Arms crossed; check. Three: Erect posture; check. Four: Penetrating stare...'

'Bugger, why the fuck do I have to always end up thinking about IT again?'

~*~

Severus found himself nursing a drink and sitting on the edge of his bed, staring straight ahead into his wardrobe, where a sea of black greeted him.

He was tired after a long day of trying to shove knowledge into the meager brains of dunderheads who had the nerve to call themselves 'students'. Students yearn for knowledge, for education and direction. These dunderheads yearned for nothing but gossip, recreation and sex. What the hell did they know about sex, anyway?

"Why, in all that's just and foul, am I sitting here contemplating what to wear?" Severus knew that all he had to wear was black. He rather enjoyed wearing his black clothes, with just a hint of his crisp white shirt peaking out at his wrists and his collar. He loved his look; it was his alone. It would never be said that Severus Snape was a slave to fashion or a reproduction of another living soul. No, he was Severus Snape, a persona unto himself.

True, but it didn't change the fact that he found himself staring into this closet, wondering what to wear. The chit. Ever since she'd put that obtuse advertisement in the Daily Prophet, he could do nothing but think of her coming to Hogwarts and seeing right through his façade, and knowing that he'd lost his ability to fuck.

Did he think she could know this though Legilimency? Well, maybe; she was a smart witch, after all. But he knew his skills in Occlumency were unmatched, and he could prevent her and anyone else from seeing anything that he did not want them to see. Even the arrogant Dark Lord (can't get more arrogant than that, to name yourself 'Dark Lord') only saw what the exceptional Severus Snape wanted him to see. Up until the very end, the Dark Lord had thought that Severus was his right hand man. He'd been blind to his talents and true loyalties as he'd focused on the Potter kid. Really, how in the world anyone could truly believe that a child would bring down the Dark Lord, Severus could not fathom. It appeared that dunderheadness lasted beyond adolescence.

He decided that changing his style was not what he desired, nor was it possible considering the meager choices before him. But his goal for tonight was to present himself as a confident and well-satisfied man. There was no way she could use whatever skills it was that America had seen fit to teach her against him. 'Damned Americans.'

Drinking the last of his golden treat, he took a quick yet thorough shower, careful to clean his hair, and definitely clean behind the ears... He dressed in a clean set of robes and presented himself in front of the mirror. He looked crisp and clean. He decided to do away with his academic robes; placing them aside, he took himself in again. Splendid. Using a Muggle product he'd found last year while shopping in London, Redkin Just For Men Styling Hair Crème, he placed some in his palms, rubbed his hands together, and ran his fingers, laden with the product, through his hair, careful to use it sparingly as its rich masculine scent could become overpowering if too much were used. Finishing his 'confident and satisfied' Snape routine, he used another Muggle product, this one for his face, Philosophy Hope in a Jar. Stupid name, but the damned product worked! His face had never looked so clear and dewy.

With one last look, and satisfied that he presented himself as a man who got regularly shagged, he was on his way to the Great Hall.

~*~

The actual Feast went as well as could be expected. The dunderheads were overly excited, surely not helped by the tons of sugar now in their systems. But unfortunately, they were also excited by the presence of three War Heroes, and despite the fact that Severus was the real War Hero, the only one to bring down Mr. Dark Lord himself, this fact was overlooked day after day after day. No one wanted his autograph; no one revered him the way he saw these stupid dunderheads admiring Potter, Weasley, and even Granger.

God definitely had it in for him.

For the first time ever, he was actually grateful that he wasn't one of the professors chosen this year to patrol the halls and supervise the children as the staff gathered for their own traditional Halloween party. He needed a drink, and thankfully the only sugar to be found at the staff party was that inherently present in the hops, barley, grain, potatoes, or distilled grapes. While he typically preferred to skip these staff events, he was eager to hear from Granger what her new business entailed. Of course, he would keep his trademark scowl firmly in place in order to feign disinterest.

~*~

"Hermione, I can't tell you how happy we are to see you after so many years!"

"Oh, Remus, it really has been too long! It really is good to be back!" she said, brandishing a bright toothy smile and taking in everyone she had missed for so long.

"So," Remus' eyes gleamed, "during dinner, we couldn't begin talking about your new found career with all of the students around, but believe me, we all want to know."

"You've no subtlety nor sophistication, Remus!" Minerva shot at him.

"Minerva, what do you expect, considering his pedigree?" retorted yours truly.

"What has gotten into everyone today? Severus I can understand – a bat never changes his color – but you, Remus? Please, let's have a decent evening and enjoy our friends."

"Please, Minerva, I'm actually rather enjoying myself! It makes me feel as if I have never left!" Hermione responded while scanning the room, looking at her old professors and friends. "And I would love to talk about my new business; I'm rather excited about it!"

Severus noticed that her excitement was evident in her pose, her voice, and her eyes. Those eyes, and that smile.... She radiated confidence and sensuality. Never before had he seen her so sure of herself about anything other than academia. But, of course, that was years ago. He didn't even know the woman in front of them now.

His thoughts were interrupted by Hooch. With her yellow eyes burrowing into Hermione's chest region and a very satisfied smirk, she said, "Hermione, you certainly are looking all grown up and, ahem... sumptuous." Hooch finished her observation with a sensuous flick of her tongue over her lips.

Severus almost choked on his Firewhisky, and Remus was laughing so hard that he looked as if he would pass out from lack of oxygen. Harry and Ron started smiling broadly, probably imagining what Hooch and Hermione would look like naked in bed.

'Stupid kids, always with their heads in the gutter.' Although, Severus had to admit to himself that he thought that an interesting diversion to his usual set of imagery.

"Hooch, you have got nerve!" Minerva spit out as fast as she could without getting too much drink down her chin.

"Minerva, it's quite all right. I would've been quite concerned at the end of the evening if I hadn't received any attention at all!" Hermione interjected to soothe her former Head of House. "This dress cost enough Galleons and had better convey sensuality." She smiled and scanned the room as everyone, including her two best friends, stared at this woman, in awe at her forthrightness. "And apparently my Galleons were well spent!"

Turning towards her newfound admirer, Hermione continued as if they were the only ones in the room. "Madam Hooch, while I am grateful for the attentions, and although I am not in a relationship at the present time, I am a complete heterosexual, and therefore, have no inclinations toward a sexual encounter with a woman. Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course." Severus noticed Hermione walking closer to her to the point of invading her personal space. Looking into her yellow eyes, she whispered not so quietly, "But if I decide at some future time for some... experimentation, I shall indeed remember your delightful comments."

The room broke out into a nervous laugh, and Severus felt a wonderful twitch down in his nether regions. AAAHHHH, IT was alive!

~*~

An hour into their staff party, everyone was sufficiently inebriated, and Hermione's friends no longer held back the burning questions that they were dying to ask since the publishing of her advertisement just weeks prior.

"No, no, seriously it was all by accident, really." Hermione, taking another sip of her wine, continued, "After seventh year, I went to New York City on vacation and stayed with my cousin, who introduced me to the psychotherapy field. I was enamored with Freud, Jung, and even Dr. Ruth! I began taking classes, and years later, I'm a Therapist!"

"So, you went to the States and woke up one morning wanting to help people to 'REGAIN CONTROL OF YOUR SEX LIFE'?" Remus smirked as he yelled out the caption of her advertisement.

It seemed like no one was in control of their inhibitions this night. The last thing anyone expected was for a tipsy Ron to stand up on top of the staff table and declare his adolescent sexual inexperience as Hermione's reason for delving into this line of work.

"It was 'cause of me, right, 'Hermione?" Not waiting for her to answer, he continued, "Really, I know, I remember, it was... it was... well, you could've given me another chance, you know, to make it better and all." While he was talking, his body swayed dangerously on the table, and he kept shoving his whiskey glass to an imaginary person in front of him, then back again.

"Ronald, you were the beginning of my sexual experiences, not the end. My career decision really had..."

"I wasn't enough for you, remember? You wanted an older, more experienced man! How could you play with me like that, Hermione?" Not waiting for Hermione to answer, Ron continued, "Shhhh, I know, I know... you just needed someone with more sex appeal than I had."

Everyone seemed to enjoy this brief exposure into the adolescent angst of what was, and apparently what remained to be, Ronald Weasley.

"She's scarred him for life, she has," Hooch said to Remus, feeling sympathy for Ron.

"Oh, Ron, just get the hell down!" Harry screamed at his best friend, "It has been over ten years. Just get over it, man!"

"Ronald, for your information, EVERYONE has sex appeal! Everyone in this room is sensuous and desirable. And Ron, by everyone, I also mean YOU!" Hermione's eyes twinkled and she scanned the room, measuring the sexuality potential of everyone present.

'Fuck,' thought Severus, 'here she goes, doing exactly what I don't want her to do. She's examining us like we're on an auction block.'

Severus knew Hermione was nutters when she climbed on top of the table to join Ron and looked him over. Then, holding his face toward her, she said, "Ronald, you are a good man, and good is sexy. Let us not forget that you are ginger, and every woman wants to have ginger bits at least once in her life." She smiled wickedly as she kissed him on the cheek. Severus noticed Ron blushing up to the tips of his ears as a bulge grew in the boy's pants. This was going to be a long and grueling night.

Turning her attention to her audience, she climbed down ungracefully, but no one seemed to notice or care. The tension in the room was thick, despite the free flowing nature we had felt just moments before. Now seemed to be the time for truth or dare, and no one was going to pull a dare with Hermione.

"Now, let's look at Madam Hooch." Reaching out to hold her hands, she held them close to her breast and whispered, "You, my dear, are mesmerizing. Your eyes show your strength, and I feel like I can see into your soul. You are clearly a very passionate and uninhibited woman."

"Ah, Remus." Turning her attention toward him, she continued, "Like Ronald, you are also a good man. Your good nature is attractive in and of itself, but you have a mysterious quality that is very sexy. Your lycanthropy gives you an animalistic quality that drives women wild for you." She approached him and gently held his face in her hands. Giving him a lingering peck on the lips, she added, "You, my dear Remus, are an animal in bed--it's obvious--and any woman in her right mind would take you."

Remus was quite moved by Hermione's estimation of his sexual prowess--in more ways than one, according to Severus' sexual excitement radar. He was obviously sexually stimulated by Hermione's words and action, as he immediately sat down and shifted in his seat.

Hermione was now walking towards... 'Oh my God, please not...'

"Oh yes, Minerva, my old Head of House!" Hermione said with an impious stare as she walked toward her, unaware of the screaming going on in Severus' head.

"Hermione, come on. Leave everyone alone," Potter said, more than likely for his own sake as he knew he would eventually be approached by Hermione and given the once over.

"I'm just having a little fun and teaching everyone a little about themselves in the process, so you leave me alone!" Hermione smirked at Harry with sultry gaze, or maybe it was just a drunken ogle.

"Minerva, I have always admired you." Hermione held her arm as if to court her, then slowly turned her around the room so as to present her to her friends in this new light Hermione was portraying. "You are the strongest woman that I have ever met. That alone is an attractive quality. Physically, you are beautiful. Your body is perfect and you carry yourself with quiet dignity and with sexual confidence." With that, she kissed her on the cheek and returned her arm.

"Oh, my dear! You may have quieted everyone else with your estimations of their sexuality, but I am very pleased with your assessment of my, shall I say, qualities." Minerva continued with a sinful grin and lifted up her brandy snifter in a mock toast. "And I, for one, am very glad that I am sufficiently drunk to be able to enjoy it!"

"Harry, Harry, my best friend!" Turning and swiftly walking toward him, she said, "The way you ride a broom gives all of us girls dreams of Transfiguring ourselves into the next Nimbus model." She reached out both hands and smoothed them over his upper arms, feeling his muscles underneath his robes in what Severus estimated was a very erotic nature. He guessed that they would bed each other tonight.

'Lucky bastard.'

"Ah, I have saved the very best for last, right, Severus?"

To Be Continued...

A/N:

Will Severus allow Hermione to expound on the virtues of Snape?

Will Harry put an end to this debauchery?

Will Severus bed Hermione?

Will IT work?

To the answers of these questions and more, please stay tuned...

A huge THANKS to Jackie, my first beta. A bow, a curtsey, and a sloppy kiss to Warty for re-beta'ing this whole story with British finesse and eliminating my foul Americanisms!

Regarding some of the above:

SPIC: I surprised myself when I came up with the Snape Personal Inventory Checklist and realized what the acronym was. I do not mean to offend anyone by my SPIC comments or by the reference to Puerto Rican ladies. You see, I am one and if I thoroughly enjoyed it, I would hope that others are not offended.

Snape's beauty products! Ah, I had such a kick with this! I had him use my Severus' hair crème, and use my face care moisturizer.

'Damned Americans' – I'm also one, so please don't be offended. This is just a story out of my muddled mind.

What are friends for? To give credit where credit is due, I must apologize to my dear friend for not immediately recognizing where some of this crap that's in my brain originated from. Some of it came from her! So, a big 'thank you' to SiriusWoman for telling me once about her wanting to be Dan Radcliffe's Firebolt! Also, for her telling me she wanted some of Rupert's ginger bits!!! Ha!! SiriusWoman, you're awesome!

"Not that there's anything wrong with that." Do you know where that's from?

I hope you all are enjoying this story. As always, please feel free to read and review. Comments and suggestions are always welcomed. And, I rarely bite... really.

~Ruthie

www.gryffindorknowitall.blogspot.com