Greasy Git or Sex God?

Summary: Severus experiences Erectile Dysfunction. Hermione is a Sex Therapist. Will she be able to cure him?

~*~

CHAPTER THREE: Greasy Git or Sex God?

"Ah, I have saved the very best for last, right, Severus?"

'Bugger it, bugger it, bugger it all to hell!' Severus screamed inside his head, 'Here comes the young chit, thinking that she can tell me what I don't already know about the virtues of a Snape!'

"Madam, please... I ask you to refrain from expounding the virtues of that which I know I well possess. I am a Snape, after all. And refrain from using my given name. I have not given you liberty to use it, Miss Granger."

"Yes, Professor," Hermione playfully responded, placing emphasis on his title, "but you really have no idea, do you, Professor? No, you don't really know. I can share stories with you about the fantasies in which you and I shared starring roles. When I was a student, I would fantasize about detention, and your taking me over your desk while..."

"Hermione!" Harry yelled, "Hermione, stop it! Are you out of your fucking mind? You've had way too much to drink!"

"Bloody hell, I am not nearly drunk enough to listen to this," Ron whispered while clutching the sides of his head.

"I agree, Hermione," Minerva began in a melancholy tone. "Unfortunately, even I am not drunk enough to keep that unfortunate picture out of my head."

"Madam, if you really knew me, you would know that I would never bed a student; therefore, these fantasies of which you speak will remain a..." Recognizing Minerva's insult, Severus jerked his head towards his boss and yelled, "Minerva, what the hell did you mean by 'unfortunate picture'?"

"Oh, Severus, please, the last thing I need is to imagine my Deputy in an excited and aroused state!"

"Minerva, you know that I would never..."

Holding her head in her hands and mumbling, Minerva responded, "Severus, this has nothing to do with my trust in you; I know that you would never take advantage of a student. I just prefer to keep my mind clear of images of you with an erection."

"I can assure you, Madam, that a Snape with an erection is as impressive as it is appetizing. You cannot know how erotic and passionate an evening with me can be. I have vigor and vitality. I focus my energies on my lover, and once sated, I take her and fill her, satisfying her again and again... completely and thoroughly."

Minerva sat there, mouth hinged open, unable to believe Severus' unabashed comments. Unable to form her jumbled thoughts into words, she began shaking her head back and forth in the most non-verbal show of disapproval she could muster, considering her current state of intoxication.

Severus was seething. 'How dare the old biddy intone that I'm anything less than a sexual being! I am a sex God, and how dare anyone think otherwise! I am master of my domain, provider of sexual pleasures; an evening with me is compelling and thrilling, satisfying and stimulating. I am an explorer. Haven't people ever noticed my large feet? And everyone knows what that means. Yes, I am indeed a sex God!'

Awakening from his own self-aggrandizement, he slowly took in the astonished looks of his colleagues and former students. 'Ah, shite! Did I really say all those things to Minerva out loud?' Shocked at his outburst, yet satisfied that he'd put her in her place, he thought, 'Well, now the old biddy knows better than to imagine me as anything but unappealing... Shite, shite, shite, now they will all imagine me as such. Well, there could be worse fates; they could know... other things.'

Severus noticed that Hermione's expression was not one of shock, as was the case with the rest of the room. He realized she seemed almost... pleased. And before he could comprehend what she could possibly be pleased about, she began walking toward him and... 'Merlin, she's going to continue her diatribe... Hmm, maybe she'll elaborate about her bending over my desk without the old biddy interrupting.'

"Professor, I am not surprised." Walking over to where he sat with his fingers clenched around his Firewhisky, she reached out and gently touched his upper arm and leaned toward him and said, "But, Professor, I am no longer your student." She was purring close enough to his ear that he felt the heat radiate into his brain... and his groin.

'Life is good again.'

He didn't know if it was her warm breath, or his arousal, but his brain seemed to turn to mush and he was left, for once, speechless.

No, she wasn't a student anymore. Not his, nor anyone's student. She had returned to Hogwarts and presented herself as a most sexually liberated woman who knew her desires and had been able to put aside all sexual inhibitions.

"No, you are most definitely not." Although he hadn't intended, his response sounded as sultry as hers.

Preparing herself another drink and slowly walking back toward him, her hips swayed in such a fashion that made the dress definitely worthy of her purchase. "You, Professor Severus Snape, are the most desirable man in this room." Deeply entranced with the object of her attentions, she was completely unaware of all the eyes in the room on her and Severus.

Remus interrupted her reverie, "While I strongly disagree with you, Hermione, I am in no position to argue in my current state of mind. I'm actually anticipating that this is all a terrible nightmare, and I will wake up in a world where Severus is again a greasy git--or is that a greasy bat?"

"Yes, yes, I quite agree, Remus. Well, not so much about the git or bat thing. But I don't think I can take anymore of this," Minerva said, turning toward her once beloved pupil. "And you, Hermione, I cannot believe what I'm hearing. Surely my ears are deceiving me! Or maybe it's the alcohol, but you can't be... I mean, you really mustn't be... I mean, are you really coming on to Severus? You have indeed grown up, child; well, not really a child... apparently."

"Hermione, let's go, come on," Harry said, though he knew that she would not.

"Harry, I'm not finished here," Hermione replied to Harry while never taking her eyes off of Severus. "You and Ron go. I will see you all in the morning in the Great Hall at breakfast."

"Come on, Harry," Ron said while tugging on Harry's arm, "I'm not going to stick around and watch."

"Hermione, you're drunk, you don't want to regret saying or," Harry turned his eyes on Severus, "doing anything you will regret in the morning."

"Why, you insolent and arrogant fool! If you two children don't see fit to disappear, I shall throw you out!"

With one last mournful look toward their best friend, they departed to their assigned rooms for the night.

'Brainless twits,' Severus thought.

Working to quickly think of some scathing remark to rid himself of the other lousy, meddlesome fools, he returned his gaze to the rest of the room, sarcastic remark in mind. Running through his SPIC checklist, he opened his mouth only to shut it quickly upon noticing that the only other person in the room was Hermione.

'Perfect.'

~*~

Severus was enjoying Hermione's company. She was funny and all too perceptive as she elaborated on his sex appeal.

"Professor, one of the first things a woman senses from you is power. You exude power and strength of character. And that is very, very sexy, Professor. Your scathing tongue and biting remarks are intoxicating..."

Hermione appeared breathless as she continued on the virtues of this particular Snape. "It creates a fantasy world where you're dominant and," averting her gaze from him and looking bashful for the first time tonight, she continued, "well, for those of us into that sort of thing, makes us immediately..." Despite being the only ones in the room, she whispered in his ear, "Wet with desire for you, Professor."

Practically choking on his own saliva upon hearing her brashness, he let out a controlled cough to mask his shock. He was unable to fathom his luck. There was no way that he was going to let her get away with saying such things and not backing them up, former student or not.

He pulled her close and purred, "I believe that calls for further exploration, don't you?"

"Absolutely, Professor," was the only response needed. That, and a smile.

~*~

Severus was slightly concerned that he could not perform. But he was encouraged by the sign of life IT showed on several occasions this evening. He was certain--well, at most, hopeful--that once he had this confident woman in his arms, he would be able to take her. But could he take that chance and embarrass himself with Hermione? She was not some brainless stranger that had picked him up at a bar; she was in a position to tell his unfortunate secret to everyone she knew. But she was a Sex Therapist. Would she violate her code of ethics to share his most embarrassing secret? Regardless, he was fairly certain IT would respond and decided to go for it.

Severus turned away from Hermione, scanning the room for a more appropriate spot for them to shag. Taking in the comfortable couch, he walked towards it, slowly sitting back, and crossed his legs and while motioning for Hermione to join him. He said in his deepest and smoothest tones, "Come to me, Miss Granger." As she walked toward him, he removed his wand from his sleeve and warded the staff room door.

'There is no way any fucking dunderheads, young or old, are going to interfere.'

Sheathing his wand, he sat back and embraced Hermione as she sat next to him and into his waiting arms.

Holding on to her young firm body, Severus began exploring her mouth with his tongue. He knew he was an expert kisser and was giving her his all in that department. He sucked, licked, flicked, and nibbled. At some point, he hadn't realized that he leaned her back and now lay lightly atop her, using his left arm as leverage so as to not crush her. He explored her body with his eyes and with his mouth. He was concentrating on his soon to be lover below him so intently that although he was excited and stimulated, his erection had not returned. Here he was with this vixen below him, grabbing his arse and pulling it down toward her. He realized that she might have realized that IT had not responded, and he immediately pulled away from her. Sitting back up and trying to compose himself, he said, "I'm sorry, Miss Granger, I..."

"Severus, please, why did you stop? And would you please call me Hermione?"

'What the bloody hell am I going to say?' Severus internally asked himself. He would have to think of something fast, because she was looking at him like she was going to take command of this situation and devour him of her own accord.

Hermione didn't allow him to begin his explanation. She sat up and brought herself close to his face, her arms wrapping around him, and started to kiss him deeply.

Severus responded to her kisses, realizing that as much as he was enjoying her affections, IT was not. He gently pulled away from her, and with his lips gently gliding on her cheek, he said, "I have no doubt that I could take you and make you scream my name over and over again. But, Miss Gra... I'm sorry, Hermione," he paused and took several calming breaths, then continued, "I am a professor at this school, and you are my former pupil. It just doesn't seem right. I may be a bastard, of that I am not ashamed, but I am guided by my strong morals and principles, and when I look at you, I still see my pupil.

"Maybe one day that will change." He was hoping to leave a door open for a future encounter, when he would be more confident of IT's response. "But for now, as attracted as I am to you, I must end this before it begins."

Moving to stand in front of him, Hermione said, "Severus, look at me." She grabbed his right hand and guided it gently over her breasts and down her body, and over her mound through her dress. He felt as if he was tortured. He was touching a very sensuous woman, he was excited, but he could do nothing about it. IT remained uninterested.

'Bugger IT!'

Panting and looking down into his face, she continued, "Severus, I am not a student, and I am not a child. I want you... I want you to take me, fill me, make me yours. I've wanted you for a long time." Still holding his hand to her mound, she began moving his hand in a slow, circling motion while gently pressing it into her.

'The minx is masturbating using my hand!'

"Severus." Her other hand came up and grabbed his head, pulling it closer. "I need you, please, give me what I've needed for so long. You are so delicious."

Severus let her hand guide his head to her body where it met his hand, still circling her mound. He knew exactly what she wanted, and he would be only too happy to oblige. But IT would not comply!

Pulling himself completely away from her, he collected himself and guided her to sit back down next to him. He realized that the measly excuse he used to feign his sense of morality was not working. He needed another tactic.

"Hermione, I apologize. As much as I want to take you, I cannot. This has nothing to do with you. You are very attractive and... stimulating. I am unable to have you, because I am committed to another witch, and I cannot betray her trust."

"Oh, Severus! I'm sorry, I don't know why I didn't think to ask!" Pulling herself together, she looked to be working hard to calm herself down. Once composed, she continued, "I feel terrible. Please know that I didn't mean any harm, I just..."

"Hermione," Severus purred, kissing her lightly on the lips, "if in the future you and I are simultaneously unattached, I would appreciate the opportunity to reacquaint myself with you and possibly finish what we've started here tonight."

"I would like that very much," Hermione said as they ended their non-existent relationship with a gentle kiss.

~*~

If only a potion would remedy this situation.... But after extensive research, Severus only found a handful of potions, and they all required the menstrual blood of the witch who would benefit from the enhanced performance of the wizard. Surely, they must be the invention of a controlling and meddling witch whose evil plot was to ensure a wizard's fidelity. So, if he were to create one of these potions, he would need a sexual partner who was willing to not only have sex with him, but also to give some of her menstrual blood. Not an ideal situation, but doable. Further research exposed the more intricate secrets behind these potions that they clearly possessed. This was undoubtedly Dark Magic, which Severus thought was utterly ridiculous, considering this was solely to be used for being able to fuck, not to create a Dark Lord, or waken the dead. After completing his research, he was adamant that he would not need the intervention of a potion that required the witch and wizard to be bonded.

'No fucking way am I going to be bonded to anyone. No, I will have to regain my manhood the Muggle way. Hermione's new business now makes sense. Unbonded wizards who had lost their ability to obtain or maintain an erection had no magical means to remedy their situations.' Severus was not sure how many wizards had lost their ability to fuck, but he was now certain that Hermione's business would be a success. She was indeed a very smart witch.

Now, the task at hand would be to benefit from Hermione's services without letting her know that he needed them. 'Bloody hell, how do I get her to give me therapy to fix my problem without letting her on that I have this problem?'

As Hermione was getting ready to leave for her room, Severus unwarded the door and called after her, "Hermione, I do have some business I'd like to discuss with you tomorrow about a mutual acquaintance. If you're still interested in having anything to do with me, can you meet with me privately after breakfast?"

Brandishing her beautiful smile, Hermione said, "Absolutely. I would love to." And with that, she was gone for the night.

To Be Continued...

A/N: As always I must first acknowledge my first beta, Jackie. It always amazed me how she could understand the garbage I hand in to her! And of course to my most recent beta, the Mighty Wartcap! She makes me see the error of my ways and leaves me in stitches at the same time.

Also, to my dear friend SiriusWoman, who gave me several wonderful ideas for this story. For that, and because I love her, she gets first dibs on reading every chapter, even before my beta. She's a brave woman!

~Will Hermione ask for the identity of Severus' witch?

~Will Ron, Harry, Remus, Minerva and Hooch be able to look Hermione in the eye at breakfast?

~Will Ron and Harry vomit when they see Severus at breakfast?

Please stay tuned for the answer to these questions and more!

THANKS to all who have reviewed and continue to follow this story! You continue to blow me away with the reception you've given me.

~Ruthie

Come see the inner workings of my mind. It's not always pretty in there so consider yourself warned:

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