Gryffindor Investigations

Summary: Severus experiences Erectile Dysfunction. Hermione is a Sex Therapist. Will she be able to cure him?

~*~

CHAPTER FOUR: Gryffindor Investigations

"You weren't at breakfast this morning," Hermione stated as she walked into Severus' chambers. "I hope you don't mind, but I wasn't sure if I should come down here or not." Hermione looked around his sitting room, admiring his décor. "Would you like to talk somewhere else?" she asked, unsure if he would want to spend time alone with her after what had almost happened last night.

"No, this is fine. I am pleased you're here," Severus said while motioning her to take a seat next to the fire. "I didn't go to the Great Hall for breakfast, as I was creating a Hangover Potion for myself." With that statement, he walked toward the cooling cauldron and poured himself his portion and drank it in one swift, practiced movement designed to decrease the foul taste of the concoction.

"Do you need some?"

"Yes, please! I've had some Tixymol, but it hasn't worked."

"What is Tixymol?"

"Well, it's a name-brand pharmaceutical product whose generic name is Paracetamol. It is an anti-inflammatory analgesic tablet, and its properties are designed to improve physical health in specific ways. First, it's designed to serve as a fever-reducer and pain-reliever, including the pain associated with headaches."

"But why not just take a potion?"

"Severus, Muggles don't have access to magical potions."

"Madam, of course they do not! But in case you've forgotten, you are a witch. And therefore my question remains: why not just take a potion?"

She was reminded of what a sarcastic bastard he was, and while she tried to quash the excitement building in her that only his brand of acerbic wit could create, she had mental images of him taking her with her hands tied above her head. She immediately became wet in anticipation. Pulling herself out of her reverie, she would not allow his cutting tongue to sidetrack her. Not backing down, and although physically not eye to eye with him in her seated position, she looked him in the eye and said, "Yes, Professor," matching his change in designations. "I am completely aware of my being a witch; that awareness came about somewhere between the ages of five and six years old. I, unlike you, am not a Potions master and therefore not able to create a Hangover Potion at my whim. If I were a Potions mistress, I would more than likely spend my time creating Sexual Enhancement Potions, and lubricants to increase sexual pleasure."

Hermione was instantly pleased as she noticed Severus' reaction to her uninhibited statements. He looked startled. Wanting to continue playing her upper hand, she said, "Now, Severus, does your offer still stand?"

"What offer?"

Pointing toward the cauldron, she said, "The potion, Severus. I would love some; I need to relieve this tension."

"Oh, yes, of course." Pouring her a portion, he handed it over and stared at her while she drank it.

Hermione noticed him ogling her cleavage as she drank her remedy. Once again, she was pleased with her choice in dresses. She'd chosen to forgo the more demure witch robes that tended to cover shoulders, arms, and body for the more form fitting and flattering Muggle clothes she preferred from Lord & Taylor.

She enjoyed taking the best of both of her worlds, and it was the same with Psychotherapy. She was the only one of her kind in the entire Wizarding world, which is what cinched her decision to return after her schooling had been completed. Once word got around, she might be ridiculed, but she believed that her business would boom. She would ensure confidentiality, as was only good practice, but she had decided to take it one step further. She would do without a formal waiting area so that no one was aware of who her other clients were. This would attract those who are most anxious about their secret conditions. She decided to space each client's appointment 20 minutes apart from the end of one session to the beginning of the next. This would allow her time to file her notes created by the Dicto-Quill, clear her mind, and freshen up before her next appointment was scheduled to Floo in. She only hoped that her business would pick up to the point where she would have need of this plan.

Hermione knew that although Severus was committed to his lover, as evidenced by his remarkable show of self-control, he was attracted to her, and she found satisfaction in knowing that. Maybe, if they kept in touch and remained friends, they would have the opportunity to have a sexual relationship in the future.

She wondered who this witch was and hoped that it was a witch and not a wizard. 'What was it he said, exactly? Ah yes, he said he was "committed to another witch." Very good. Not that there's anything wrong with that.'

Regardless, Hermione was certain he was sexually attracted to her, if the way he'd been devouring her last night was any indication. Not to mention the way he was ogling her now.

'Maybe he's changing his mind... No,' Hermione continued her internal conversation, 'I could not have an affair with a man committed to another witch. He could not have ended their relationship in this short amount of time.'

'Who I am fooling? Why would he give up his witch just to shag me?' With determination, she concluded, 'Nevertheless, I will not pursue or tempt him.'

"Thank you so much, Severus, I am..." Closing her eyes and breathing deeply, she whispered, "Satisfied and... relieved."

Severus fumbled with the glass she returned to him as he turned around to place it on the counter. He returned with tea.

"Here, although you've had breakfast already, you may enjoy some tea. At the very least, it will remove the dreadful taste of the Hangover Potion."

"Thank you," Hermione said as she reached for the cup he handed to her. She noticed his gaze never wavered from her chest region.

Hermione felt her breast swell knowing his gaze was upon her. She remembered his kisses from the night before and imagined him using his tongue to ravish her lips, breasts, and nether regions. She was certain Severus would notice her arousal as her body betrayed her through her increased heart rate and breathing. Although she felt the heat in her belly, she was fairly certain he would not notice that particular treachery.

As she tried to calm herself, she remembered his hands on her and imagined him brusquely pulling her up by her arms, out of her seat, and devouring her with his mouth. Her imagination was in control now. She was lost to it, and she felt as if she were on the brink of madness with the onslaught of sexually explicit hallucinations she was having. She was pulled out of her temporary madness by something Severus said, but for the life of her she didn't know what it was. All she knew was that he continued to look tempting, and continued to gaze into her breasts as if engaged in conversation with them instead of her. She was becoming offended that, despite being attached and choosing his witch over her, he continued to ogle her. 'Men can be such pigs,' she thought, and when she was just about to give him a piece of her mind, Severus interrupted her thoughts.

"Hermione, as uncomfortable as this makes me..."

"Uncomfortable? Come on, Severus, we almost shagged... okay? Get over it! Having sex is a normal part of human existence. These feelings we have are expected when two people are attracted to each other. It is nothing to be ashamed of, and if it wasn't for our sense of morality guiding us, we would all have sex with anyone and everyone we were attracted to. There is nothing to be uncomfortable about; you and I..."

"Madam," Severus cut her off, "apparently I know what your mind is on." His sultry tones exuded his arrogance with this unanticipated view into Hermione's psyche.

'Damn him to hell!' Hermione screamed in her head. She'd given herself away. 'Stupid, stupid, stupid of me to go on my rampage, assuming I knew what he was going to say! And now I've given myself away! Oh, woe... my counter-transference strikes again. Freud would be turning over in his grave if he knew I couldn't keep my internal crap to myself.'

Severus was suppressing a smile, Hermione could tell. Never had he looked so pleased with himself. 'Bugger him.'

"Hermione, if you would be so kind as to allow me to conclude my statements before interrupting... although, that continued behavior will allow for more interesting... conversations, to be sure." His smirk was unwavering, and Hermione could've shagged the bastard right then and there. "But I would like to discuss some personal business of a mutual acquaintance that would benefit from your professional opinions."

"My professional opinions? Well, I don't quite understand."

"Madam, please. You are a Therapist, correct?"

"You know I am, and please, damn it, call me Hermione!"

"Yes, yes of course."

He was pissing her off. 'Sod him, the arrogant bastard!'

"You see, Hermione, I have the unfortunate displeasure to be forced to listen to the ramblings of a fellow who, for some bizarre reason, considers me a friend. And despite my continued resistance, he has taken to disclose to me rather personal situations that I have no experience with which to help him."

"Go on, but please be more specific."

"This is the part, Hermione, that makes me uncomfortable. You see, it is not my problem, but that of this acquaintance I speak to you of. He had come to me for my assistance as Potions master, but for his problem, there is no potion with which he could safely take."

Hermione waited for him to finish, but was tempted to slap him in the back of the head to finally get the whole story out of him.

"This person came to me for assistance with his... impotence. Unfortunately, as an unattached wizard, there are no magical cures unless he chooses to be bound to his mate."

"Yes, I understand and am fully aware that single wizards with this condition have no other magical choice unless they bind."

"I thought you would know. Well, this wizard would benefit from your treatment, as he has decided not to be bound simply to cure his condition, as you call it." Severus sat back, and Hermione looked at him, thinking that he would continue, but he did not, and for some reason, he looked rather pleased with himself.

"Well, that is definitely an area of my expertise. I can assist him to understand the underlying cause of his disorder and help him to regain that which he has lost." Reaching into her pocket, Hermione pulled out her Louis Vuitton business card holder. She removed a card and, while handing it over to Severus, she rose out of her seat and smiled. "Thank you so much for sending me my first customer!"

"Hermione, wait!"

She was startled with his expression and, at his insistence, returned to the seat she had been occupying and prepared herself for a further elaboration of this friend's situation.

"Believe me, Hermione, I have already done what I can to encourage this person to go see you as soon as we saw your advertisement. But he refuses, and I cannot continue to listen to his self-pity when he chooses to do nothing to remedy his situation."

"Well, unfortunately, I am not surprised, though slightly concerned that with attitudes such as his, my business won't be as successful as I'd hoped."

"I have no understanding in this area, as I have always been virile, but I can tell you that your business seems to have a solid customer base, if my wizard friend is any indication."

"Thank you for your confidence, Severus. Well, since your friend refuses to see me, he can always go to a Muggle therapist and be given medication to help."

"Medication? Like Tixymol?"

"Well, 'yes' and 'no'. You see, it is similar in that the medications of which I am referring are a pharmaceutical product, but 'no' in that they are not as benign as Tixymol. There are a handful of pharmaceutical products designed to enhance a man's virility, though there are significant side effects. I've actually never recommended these products, as they have been known to dramatically increase a man's risk for heart failure, and I don't know if death is an acceptable risk to obtain an erection. Well, I guess that's not my decision, but nonetheless, I don't recommend them.

"So just have him go to Muggle London and look up Sex Therapy in the phone book or through the Internet. There are some decent practitioners, but tell your friend to be careful because there are a lot of crackpots out there claiming that teas and other herbs can help with impotence. The fact is that they can't." Hermione was having a difficult time concentrating on anything other than mounting the arrogant bastard. Unable to control herself, she felt her only recourse was to flee from this continued temptation and saw her opportunity. "But since I haven't gained a customer, I guess I should be going."

"But, Hermione, wait. He's not sophisticated in Muggle technology or in the Muggle world. He won't be able to do that either."

"I don't understand, Severus. How am I expected to help him when he refuses to see me and refuses to go to a Muggle Therapist?" Hermione was becoming increasingly frustrated and was unable to understand why Severus would need to feel responsible for finding a solution for a friend who was so headstrong. If this 'friend' wanted to do something about his problem, he would do more than talk about it with someone who not only couldn't help him, but who apparently didn't give a damn... or did he?

Hermione began thinking of who this 'friend' could be. She knew she shouldn't try to work out the wizard's identity since it would violate the confidentiality this man was so adamant to maintain. But he wasn't her client, and she wasn't legally bound to maintain confidentiality. No, she had no need to maintain the confidentiality of a man she didn't even know! She was intrigued to know who would go to such lengths to keep this quiet, despite the debilitating feeling he must suffer.

The logical plan of attack to revealing the mystery wizard's identity was to think of what other men Severus could possibly know.

'Let me start with Hogwarts: Professor Flitwick. I'm not sure I've ever imagined his penis before; why would I? Can't be impressive. But it is possible it could be him. Professor Binns: Absolutely not, unless a ghost has sex, and that's a thought I'd rather not have. Hagrid: Oh my, could be, but if his witch isn't from giant ancestry, that would just hurt!' Hermione instinctively closed her legs tighter at the thought of Hagrid's penis invading a regular witch. 'Arrgghhh, why did I think of that? Okay, next, there's Professor Lupin. Possibly, but then why did he seem so turned on last night? Okay, who's next? There's Firenze and Filch, and now I think I'm about to make myself sick. I refuse to think about either one!'

Still going through her mental checklist of male Hogwarts teachers, Hermione realized there was one more: Professor Snape. 'Oh, stupid, he's the one who's trying to help the poor bloke! I don't know why, but I can't imagine Professor Snape trying to help anyone. He just doesn't seem like the helpful type.'

'So, how about male acquaintances outside of Hogwarts? There's Mr. Weasley. That's a possibility....' Hermione could not think of any other wizards either outside or within Hogwarts. 'It could be someone entirely unknown to me, but didn't Severus tell me that he wanted to discuss a 'mutual acquaintance'?'

It had to be someone Hermione knew, which would explain why this wizard had refused to see her. It had to be someone that would feel comfortable talking with Severus, someone who had easy access to him since Severus was complaining that despite his resistance, this person continued to confide in him. Going through the list again, Hermione made mental notes of those she thought were the likely target: Professors Flitwick, Hagrid, Lupin, and Mr. Weasley.

Mr. Weasley had Molly to speak to. Hermione could not believe that he would speak to Severus about something so personal. Also, he did not fit the profile of having unlimited access to Severus. Next was Professor Flitwick. Out of everyone, Hermione knew him the least and really did not care one way or the other about his condition. No, she felt that the wizard in question had to know her very well and would therefore feel uncomfortable having her as a Therapist. Next there was Hagrid. She loved the half-giant, and he was a possibility. But he was engaged to Madam Maxime, and from what she had heard, visited with her every weekend at Beauxbatons Academy. That didn't sound like the behavior of someone suffering from Erectile Dysfunction. Now, Professor Lupin. He was about the age when some men experience ED, but she was skeptical. Last night she had definitely felt sexual vibes from him. Not that he would ever do anything to encourage her. He was too good for that. And she recalled that he did squirm in his seat after she enlightened him on his sexual appeal, especially his animal magnetism. But he did fit the other criteria Hermione surmised were necessary. The wizard in question had to have easy access to Severus and had to know Hermione very well. Hermione realized that it must be him.

"Hermione," Severus called, trying to get her attention.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Severus. Let's see, yes, if your acquaintance refuses to bond, refuses to see me, and refuses to visit a Muggle Therapist, then I cannot help you. I mean, him."

"What about if you give me the therapy, and I in turn pass it along to him?" Severus asked while seeming completely uninterested.

This bizarre request made Hermione continue her investigation: Severus had refused to allow her to leave his chambers on two occasions during this meeting. That would mean that he was, on some level, invested in the outcome. Maybe he and Remus were lovers. That would definitely make him invested in the outcome. 'Would helping this acquaintance be enough of a motivation for him to take sessions on his behalf?' If he and Severus were sexual partners, that would be enough of a motivation, and if she were in his predicament, and it was her lover who was impotent, she would do anything to make it work again. This possible revelation into Severus' motivation disheartened her as she held onto her fantasy that one day she and Severus would become lovers.

"Severus, this is all too peculiar and unconventional. There is no way that I can provide therapy to you for you to pass it along. Therapy is not a one-way treatment. It's not like giving an injection..."

"Giving an injection?"

"Forget it. I mean it's not like providing a potion, and the other person only need drink it. Therapy is an exchange of thoughts and emotions. It's an interaction, an intercourse of ideas and a giving of advice and behavior modification techniques based solely on the previous exchanges. I focus my clinical skills on helping men, individually or with their partner, either male or female, deal more effectively with their sexual expression. This is not something that can be done with a mediator!"

Hermione was frustrated on more than one level. She was in need of the sexual release she'd been denied last night, and now she was almost certain the object of her desire was the partner of the man suffering from impotence. Hermione surmised that was perhaps the reason why Severus almost had sex with her last night. He was most likely suffering from lack of release and intimacy. Probably also why he'd stopped himself and remain faithful to Remus.

"Severus, you may share with your friend that I can provide sessions to him and his partner." Just when she saw he was about to respond, she couldn't stop her impulsive and intrusive nature and asked, "Severus, are you this partner?"

"Madam, I assure you that I am as heterosexual as they come. I have never shagged a man, never kissed a man, and never touched a man in a sexual manner. I am a lover of women." Hermione observed that Severus was on a roll, and nothing she could do would be able to stop his diatribe. But this was interesting, and she certainly wasn't going to interrupt him.

"I love their smiles, their hair, the feel of their skin, their lips, eyes, ears, breasts, hands, arses, and legs. Their entire bodies are like a delicacy to be savored and devoured, slowly and completely. When I'm with a woman, tasting every inch of her is neither a chore nor a charitable act. It is a necessity for me to taste every drop and lick every part of her. Women are, to me, a gift to be treasured and devoured. Their sexual excitement is like the nectar of the Gods. I love to smell them... to feel them. I love to have a woman tied to my bed, squirming underneath me, begging for release. I love to taste her and feel myself enter her depths. Nothing can possibly compare to the sensations of taking a woman, making her scream my name, having her ride me, and being in control of her sensations. I love women, Dr. Granger, and I am offended that you do not know that, considering your professional training, and especially considering your personal experience with me last night.

"Madam," Severus' attack seemed to be winding down, "I am not sure you are able to adequately and effectively provide therapy if you are so completely mistaken about me."

While his impassioned speech created a pool in her panties, it was a bit too over the top. His ardent protesting would've impressed the ordinary witch or wizard, but she was trained in the most sophisticated psychotherapy treatment modalities America had to offer, and this level of protesting was just a cover-up for his repressed sexuality. That was covered in Psychology 101.

'Buttons and more buttons, now it all makes sense.' Hermione reflected on Severus' chosen attire with the enthusiasm that can only come from experiencing a classroom lecture coming to life.

Hermione observed Severus' wide eyes, and what he said next surprised even her.

"Hermione, I apologize for my attack on your profession. But, please, Hermione, I want to try anything to help Remus. Oh, I'm sorry, I never should've said his name." Severus hung his head down and continued, "He has misplaced his trust in me, and I will never feel worthy of his confidence again."

Hermione just stared at him.

'Who the fuck just said that?' Hermione could not believe her ears! This man speaking before her was not the Severus Snape she knew, or the one she had come to love and hate. This man was an imposter. Maybe it was someone using Polyjuice Potion. No, it could not be, as they'd sat together for over an hour, both drinking only tea.

"Please," Severus begged, "there is no one else who can help him. I do what I can to listen to him and give him advice. But you are his best bet. He doesn't want you or anyone else to know that he is impotent. He is a proud and arrogant man, and he cannot have his secret exposed."

Hermione just stared at the imposter in front of her. No, this was not an imposter in terms of magical intervention. This was an imposter based solely on Slytherin cunning and deceit!

'Severus is the "acquaintance"! He is the one who is impotent!'

'Oh my God!' Hermione mentally exclaimed. 'It all makes sense now! Severus is attracted to me; Severus is the one whose erection I couldn't feel when he was ravishing me; Severus is the one who immediately pulled away from me when I pulled him against me; Severus is the one who had a lame excuse as to why he could not have sex with me; Severus is the one who invented another lame excuse when the first one didn't work; Severus is the one who asked me down here; Severus is the one who won't let me leave his chambers until I agree to help his friend; Severus is the one who is acting like a freaking syrupy nut, wanting to desperately help his friend!'

If he wanted to play a game, Hermione was going to take the lead. She would be in control of this chess game Severus had initiated.

"Yes, Severus. I can clearly see how invested you are in helping your friend. I will help you to help him. I can see how much you care about your friend, and I am glad to know that you care so much about someone."

"Yes, yes, yes, well, I'm only doing this to keep him from bombarding me for advice. Of course, as a virile man, I do not have the experience to give him proper advice in this area of his condition."

Hermione brandished him a large, toothy smile.

"So, shall we get started, Hermione?" Severus asked, seemingly eager to begin treatment.

"No, Severus, I need to get to my office soon. I am sure that I have several owls waiting for me with messages. Also, prior to our beginning treatment, we have the matter of payment to discuss."

"Payment?"

"Well, surely you can understand that I need to have payment for each session we conduct for your friend. I would not normally ask, if my business were already successful, but since I am still trying to get it off the ground, I do need to insist."

"Why, of course, Hermione," Severus began, using his non-interested tone. "You shall be paid for every session you conduct with me. I am sure that you are well worth every Knut. You can invoice me for every session; is that sufficient?"

"Actually, I am worth every Galleon. But yes, let me return to my office, and I will submit the first invoice with our contract for a minimum of 10 sessions. In my experience, nothing less will be adequate for a successful outcome. In our case, we may need many more sessions since we are working through a mediator--you--but we can bill the subsequent sessions on a session by session basis."

"Yes, that sounds fine. When shall we begin?" Severus' mind was obviously determined to set a date.

"Severus, I'm just a bit concerned that Remus is not able to afford my services."

"Oh, don't worry yourself about that, I will ensure that you are paid in full upon receipt of your invoices."

"You will pay for them?" Hermione ensured to add a bit of whimsy and consideration to her tone.

"Yes, well, it's fine. I will pay anything to keep Remus off my back."

"Well then, Severus, I shall keep that in mind as I create my invoice." Hermione smirked and continued. "Okay, we can begin as soon as Monday if you'd like? You can meet me at my office at 4:00 p.m...."

"No, no. As this is not treatment for me, I refuse to be seen at your office. As discreet as I'm sure it is, I refuse to have any part of these conversations outside of my chambers. In here, I can ward to my heart's content and ensure my privacy. No, I must insist that you come to me, and Mondays after dinner is the best time."

"Very well then, Severus. In the spirit of cooperation, I will concede to giving you the treatment for you to pass along to your friend, and I will concede and meet you in your chambers at 8:00 p.m. every Monday evening. Is that acceptable?"

"Very much so."

"You are a good friend, Severus. I hope your witch recognizes you for the wonderful man you are. She is lucky indeed."

And with that declaration of his sweetened nature, she gave him a peck on the cheek and departed via his Floo, all the while calling him every foul name she knew.

'The arrogant son of a bitch! He's going to pay for trying to deceive me. The narcissistic, self-indulgent bastard! I will make him squirm for me, desire me so passionately that he will rue the day he decided to swindle me. Yes, I will teach him not to mess with Dr. Hermione Granger!'

To Be Continued...

A/N: THANKS to Jackie, my first beta, and to the brilliant Wartcap for the re-beta. Hugs to Wartcap for your wonderful enthusiasm! You give my muse life.

THANKS to SiriusWoman, who gave me the idea to charge Severus for the sessions! You rock!

Tixymol = Tylenol (America)

Paracetamol = Acetaminophen (America)

Did you notice that this was the first chapter written in Hermione's POV?

Now, I hope you don't mind but I'm using some real cheesy ideas (on purpose):

Hermione loves Lord & Taylor and Louis Vuitton - well, so do I.

Severus not knowing about Tixymol, or about 'injections' - why would he?

Severus' lame excuses (last chapter) - he's a man after all.

Severus with his "My friend has a problem" excuse - he's a man after all.

Severus' over the top denial that he is homosexual - apparently, he has some issues!

and Hermione's "sophisticated American psychotherapy training" - that was just a jab at my field.

Has any other story imagined Hagrid's penis? That piece sent shivers down my spine, and I wasn't completely grossed out! **blushing**

THANKS for reading and reviewing! Go ahead, tell me what you think, I don't bite... all that much.

If you didn't like it... relax, at least you didn't have to pay for it!

Come see the inner workings of my mind. It's not always pretty in there so consider yourself warned:

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