The Battle of the Dry Erase Boards

Part Five: The Battle of the Dry Erase Boards

Frank was still trying to wake up, uneasy from his nightmare. So real, he burbled. No one able to understand each other. The fuzziness was receding. Gossip ground to a halt through lack of communication. He shuddered, his metal body echoing eerily. And himself, the unknowing carrier of the infection. What a dream!

"Nice beret, Frank," Mr. Zabini's drawl interrupted his horrified thoughts. "Is that a joke, mate?"

"A joke, Mr. Zabini?" Frank burbled in consternation.

"It's not funny," Blaise replied. "You'll want to take it off before the bickering twosome gets back. They'll be less amused than I am."

"It wasn't a dream, was it?" Frank swallowed hard, and tiny bubbles shot to the top of his plastic tank.

Blaise arched an eyebrow at him and started to reply when an ever increasing cacophony of angry stomping and yelling in French intruded on their little tête–à–tête. Blaise yanked the beret off Frank's head and threw it in the rubbish bin just in time.

Hermione Granger stalked into the Break Room, Malfoy just behind her. Small dry erase boards hung around their necks, held up by twists of surgical tape. Ignoring Frank and Blaise, Hermione rounded on Draco.

"Je sais que vous avez fait ceci, Malfoy. Juste admettez-le, vous git!" She vibrated with frustration.

"Je ne vous comprends pas, Granger, mais je n'aime pas cette tonalité." Draco was the definition of blasé.

Hermione narrowed her eyes at him, and her hands tightened into fists.

"Déjà vu," Frank murmured, loudly enough to distract Ms. Granger from her intent of bodily harm.

When she focused back on the Slytherin slime, she realized he had written something on his board and was holding it up for her to read:

COME ON, GRANGER.

SLIP ME A LITTLE TONGUE.

LET'S JUST GET THIS OVER WITH.

She huffed at him and pulled her board over her head so roughly the tape left a burn mark on the side of her neck.

SO THAT'S WHY YOU DID THIS!

He had barely absorbed that before the words were erased and new ones took their place.

YOU ARE TRULY PATHETIC.

Draco's manner was significantly less blasé as he scribbled on his board.

YOU ARE MENTAL,

IF YOU THINK I HAD ANYTHING

TO DO WITH THE REVERSE BABEL!

"What is a Reverse Babel?" Frank inquired of Mr. Zabini, sotto voce.

"It's a potion invented by some cheeky American wizard named Hugh Heffner, as a party prank. He would inject the potion into food and watch as everyone started speaking a language while not understanding it."

"Why is it called a Reverse Babel?"

"He got the idea from some bloke's books. In them, characters could understand every spoken language after inserting a Babel fish in their ear," Blaise whispered quietly, keeping an eye on Hermione and Draco. They seemed to be caught in another endless round of DID NOT/DID TOO dry erase board wars.

Frank was bubbling over with questions. "Is there a cure? Why are you speaking English? Why are Mr. Malfoy and Ms. Granger still speaking French? What do bunnies have to do with naked women? Why does Mr. Malfoy want Ms. Granger's tongue? And he wrote 'little.' It doesn't seem particularly little to me."

"Yes. The cure for the French version of the Reverse Babel is a French kiss. I snogged Lavender Brown, so I'm cured. If you ask me, Ms. Granger should be grateful she didn't consume the Spanish version." Here, Blaise felt a glare stronger than a thousand Fiendfyres before the sounds of squeaking dry erase board markers resumed. "And bunnies have everything to do with naked women, Frank. They just do. Accept it, and move on."

Frank and Blaise lapsed into silence contemplating bunnies and naked women. And bunnies with naked women until a loud bang drew their attention back to the couple locked in a futile and juvenile argument.

Draco had slammed his board to the table and was staring at Granger's.

FINE. IF YOU WON'T ADMIT IT,

I'LL JUST GO KISS RON.

Her face was both defiant and triumphant.

"Err... " said Blaise tentatively. "Nice idea, Hermione, but it won't work. See, Colin Creevey tried slipping me a little tongue at St. Mungo's. He hadn't been infected, so it didn't cure me." Blaise half-shrugged. "Creevey has strong lips, so it wasn't a total loss," he added.

Hermione had her eyes closed, clearly struggling for an unreachable calm. Blaise approached the table and looked down at Malfoy's abandoned board.

"Oh, you've done it now," he breathed, stunned. He held the board up for Frank to read.

I SWEAR I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.

ON MY HONOR AS A MALFOY.

"Everyone else is cured, Hermione. He won't kiss you after this." Blaise looked up as Hermione's eyes opened, and caught a flash of regret before they filled with determination. She scooped up Draco's board and strode out of the room in hot pursuit of the retreating prat.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

He stood in front of the sink and stared into the mirror. Hopeless. He was pureblood. Wizarding aristocracy. She was just a bit of fluff. Muggleborn fluff. Smart, slightly scary Muggleborn fluff. With a lushly perky bottom. He grimaced at his reflection, -- No cheek from you, puppet boy -- and realized Granger was standing behind him. In the men's room. He turned and leaned against the sink, just looking at her.

She thrust his board at him, which he took automatically, and held up hers.

ALL RIGHT, I BELIEVE YOU

LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH.

He shook his head, and said, "Non." He dropped his board to the ground with a clatter.

She sighed and wrote.

I'M SORRY I DISPARAGED

YOUR HONOR, MALFOY.

GET OVER IT.

Get over it? She'd rather kiss the freckled amoeba that abandoned her for a Hufflepuff slag, and he should get over it? His eyes narrowed and his lips tightened. That was bloody likely. Not.

She huffed and scribbled.

THE HARD WAY THEN

The board fell with a clang against his and slid halfway across the tiled floor, coming to a rest partway beneath a privacy stall. He stared at it, lips firmly sealed, as Granger stalked to a spot just in front of him. She reached up and yanked on his tie. Hard.

Gryffindors are sooo predictable, he thought smugly as he breathed through his nose and kept his mouth shut tight. If it worked once, it would certainly work again. He resisted the temptation to roll his eyes. She had fallen victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous was never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known was this: never go in against a Slytherin when love is on the line! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha... Two inch heels landed piercingly heavy on his sensitive toes.

"Owwwwmmmmph." His mouth was filled with a swotty tongue. Its agile warmth ran like quicksilver over the backs on his upper front teeth and flicked against his own before withdrawing completely. Did she just nip his bottom lip? He opened glazed eyes and dazedly watched her lushly perky bum sway out of the restroom.

Blue fairy? Pinocchio stirred hopefully.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hermione Granger sat down shakily at her desk. Wow. She stared into space, her lips still buzzing. He had tasted minty fresh. And played hard to get. That hurt hadn't been an act. Who was sabotaging the Kisses? She ran her tongue over her lips and shivered. Who cares?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Draco Malfoy sat on the toilet in the privacy stall and tried for calm. He spied Hermione's dry erase board and picked it up distractedly, still picturing the lake in his head. My special place... the safe place... where I feel serene... He looked down at the board.

THE HARD WAY THEN

Pinocchio twitched with joy.

Draco groaned. First, there was Pinching Pansy. No... that slap in third year had been first, really; then Pinching Pansy and now, Hurricane Hermione. Again. Next, you'll want spankings and leather cuffs on a four poster bed.

Pinocchio twitched again and nodded happily.

Why is it always the violent ones? He sighed. And as Draco stroked himself, Pinocchio burst into song.

You've got no strings

I'd cut my strings for you

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A/N:

(translation)

"I know you did it, Malfoy. Just admit it, you git!" She vibrated with frustration.

"I don't understand you, Granger, but I don't like that tone." Draco was the definition of blasé.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Dry erase boards are an homage to "Hush", a brilliant episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Joss is God).

Babel fish are from Douglas Adam's Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series

"Strong lips" -- Pretty in Pink

"Classic blunder... when [death] is on the line" – Princess Bride

Lyrics from Disney's Pinocchio "I've Got No Strings" Performed by Pinocchio (Dickie Jones), Music: Leigh Harline, Lyrics: Ned Washington

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Many thanks to my fabulous beta, elyaeru: She's not the messiah, she's a very naughty girl! (Life of Brian)

Originally posted to the Live Journal dramionedrabbles community for the 2008 St. Valentine's Day 7 Kisses Challenge.

Day 5 prompt: french kiss.