Wise Up

A/N: Thanks again to my beta, Good_Witch!

***

It's not what you thought

When you first began it,

You got

What you want

Now you can hardly stand it though,

By now you know

It's not going to stop

It's not going to stop

It's not going to stop

'Til you wise up

Wise up- Aimee Mann

The day was a flurry of activity. The students were to arrive in one week, and the wedding was to take place the following day. I had already started work on my N.E.W.T. Charms Final during the summer; I had wanted to be ready to start my summer apprenticeship with Madam Malkin, but now that dream was over. Now, time was of the essence to get as many of my classes finalized so I could be finished with my education as much as possible before becoming Mrs. Severus Snape. It was agreed by the Heads of the Houses that I would continue Transfiguration with McGonagall and Severus would take my Defense against the Dark Arts and Potions classes under his wing. But this was all to be on an informal basis. My days of being a Hogwarts student were over.

The next day I took out my white silk dress that I had begun over the summer. I was so grateful that I had been careful to pack it away neatly after each time I had worked on it so that it had survived the destruction of my parents' house. I consulted Madam Malkin about the intricacies of the embroidery work, and once a pattern and color choice had been arranged, I was ready to begin my examination. I sat in the Great Hall surrounded by the Head of the Houses, Madam Malkin, and the special N.E.W.T. Examination Professors: Merrythought, Blambridge, and Turkin. I noticed Severus had taken a seat on the right against the wall, frowning, with his arms crossed rigidly. He would see my work very well from that angle, and I prayed hard to make him proud. I expressed my reluctance about his presence there, saying it was bad luck to see the bride and her gown before the wedding, but in all honesty, I didn't want him around to wreak havoc on my nerves. Unfortunately for me, Severus snorted at such a sentimental and silly tradition.

"Besides, Miss Whitfield," he said softly, "I would like to know what kind of talents my future wife possesses, since it is obvious from your Potions work that it is not your area of expertise."

I let this go, since I knew who I was. I was a terrible Potions maker. But I was a whiz at Charms, and I was determined he would soon know it!

"I understand that this garment is going to be your wedding dress for this evening?" queried Professor Merrythought after the assembled took their seats.

"That is correct, sir," I answered confidently.

Professor Turkin addressed Professor Snape. "You must be so pleased to attend such an event, Snape! From what Madam Malkin has told me, Miss Whitfield is a natural at clothing charms!"

"That remains to be seen," Snape retorted sourly.

The professors were taken aback. But, I remained calm as I began my recitation.

"Professors, my N.E.W.T. Level Charms Examination for you will be a demonstration of a rather difficult Embroidering Charm. My base material is white charmeuse silk. The waist is in empire fashion, and from the straps to the encirclement of the bust line, I will weave a silver and green floss design. I have chosen these colors to show my respect for my future husband's house: Slytherin." I made a respectful bow in his direction. He curtly jerked his head in acknowledgement.

Smiles and murmurs of approval cascaded over the Hall. I started my Hover charm of the dress so it would stand on its own. Out of the corner or my eye, I saw the professors eagerly taking notes. I then began the double fold work of the Embroidery Charm, weaving the silver and green floss down the edging of the gown's bodice. It was most delicate work. The silky material the charm worked on had to have the exact same pressure applied, otherwise the fabric would snag, and the experiment (and the final!) would be ruined.

As I focused on my task, I was unable to see the satisfied smile on my future husband's face. Dumbledore took notice for me and saw the pride swell in the man's breast. It was clear to him that Snape viewed me as an extremely dexterous and exacting witch. When the examination was over and the dress placed on display, I sank on my chair, famished, exhausted, and terrified. Snape was on my right side, and he took me by the hand, leading me to the High Table, and snapped his fingers. At once, a plate of delicious roast pork, mashed potatoes, carrots, and rolls with a flagon of pumpkin juice was set before me. He murmured in my ear, "You must eat, my dear. You have done a wonderful job."

The examination was a success and there were congratulations all around. Then all at once, the festivities ended, for the wedding was soon to take place. I went to the Hufflepuff common room to dress. Professors Sprout, McGonagall, Trelawney and Madam Hooch came to help me prepare. When I emerged, there was a collective gasp from the group. I knew what they were thinking, but I didn't care. It was my wedding day.

* * *

I looked into the full-length mirror for the last time. Already, Professor Sprout was whirling around, packing up my possessions to have them transported into the dungeons. McGonagall was trying hard to speak in low tones about the "wedding night." I didn't want to hear. There was not going to be a wedding night, per se. Severus and I would just go to sleep. But for now, it was my wedding DAY. And all my life I wanted to be beautiful and sensual on this day. So I looked at my hair in its low bun at the base of my head. The embroidered straps circled my shoulders delicately. The embroidery work around the bust line of the bodice was very dramatic. If one came close, the light silk would reveal the faint outline of my nipples, since the style had no need for me to wear underthings. The waist melted down effortlessly to accentuate my curves. I wore no necklace. My full breasts, bursting against the silk, were my adornment. I was a budding woman, and I wanted to show Severus how enticing and sensual I could be. I prayed one day I might fall in love with him. I hoped that one day he would see me as a woman that he could truly be a husband to, not just a child dressed up in women's clothes.

As I walked up to Dumbledore's office, everyone gasped at the sight of me in my dress. Severus was so pale in his dress robes. He stood properly groomed and stoic. He could not stop his eyes from looking at my breasts, though, and the thought flashed in my mind that perhaps there might be a wedding night after all. His staring made me feel very nervous and almost naked, and after some time my nipples hardened against the light material. Severus must have noticed because at the same moment his hand, grasping mine, suddenly squeezed hard, and he drew in a sharp breath.

After the ceremony, there was the customary passing of the champagne and toasting the happy couple. Severus gulped his drink and announced abruptly we were leaving for the dungeons. The wedding party was aghast as Severus grabbed my wrist and dragged me out of the Headmaster's office. Once we arrived in his private rooms, he hurled me inside and rounded on me snarling, "What precisely did you think you were attempting to achieve?"

"Sorry?" I asked incredulously.

He didn't know what to say. He would start and stop as he paced up and down. Finally, he strode over close to me and grabbed the straps I had worked on so delicately hours beforehand and, in one swift, ripping motion, tore it down so I was naked from the waist up.

"What in the bloody hell is wrong with you?" I screamed as I tried to cover myself.

"Don't you dare!" he roared as he grabbed my arms in order to prohibit me from covering myself. "Wasn't this what you wanted; to expose yourself in front of the entire school?"

"N-no," I whispered.

"What?" he snapped, as if he couldn't hear me.

"I wanted to be beautiful for you!" I looked up at his angry black eyes, and I started to cry, "Please...let me go...you are hurting me!"

"What do I have to tell you to make you understand? I'm DEAD!"

I was sobbing now; embarrassment, fear, and humiliation were closing in on me.

"No," I croaked. "I saw how you looked at me. You desired me...I know you do."

Snape closed his eyes and shook his head as he released my arms. "My dear, seeing a woman's eager nipples will always have an effect if a man's heart is still beating, but I can not seem to get this through your thick skull: I am dead...DEAD...where it truly counts." He lowered his face to meet my eyes with his own. Then a sick smile spread across his lips. "Well, I suppose if all you care about is rutting, that part of me is certainly not dead!" He reached over, grabbed me, and placed a hand on my breast while wrapping his other hand around the back of my neck, pulling me within inches of his face. I screamed.

"Why, what's wrong?" he accused me sarcastically while tightening his grip. "Isn't a good screwing what you want?" His face came closer, barely an inch from my face. I felt so humiliated, terror rising up inside me, but I realized as I gazed into his black eyes that what he wanted me to feel was terror, revulsion, and disgust. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of falling apart. Anger flashed inside me. So, I slapped his face as hard as I could.

"You get away from me, you sick bastard!"

"As you wish," he said silkily with a formal bow. He went to an adjoining room, and I was left with his bed presumably, as it had Slytherin trappings and colors. I looked down at my torn dress and bruised breast where he had clamped his hand on it. "How was I to show loyalty to this?" I moaned.

***

Eventually, Severus decided to return to his bed, and after a couple of months, a familiarity came over us. I would wake to find him wrapped around me or myself wrapped in him. He would always overreact upon waking by pushing himself away from me. It was terrible; those were the lowest points for my ego and me. I was sixteen and my hormones were raging! Those minutes of being wrapped in his body, feeling his warmth, would sate my soul and fill my senses with a deep longing for something I feared would never happen...

There were times when his mood became vindictive and angry after having been stuck day after day in the dungeons together. During these times, he would ask me if I wanted to "fuck," but my face would lift to his, and I would shake my head sadly when he said that. But I never showed shock, or blushed in shame to his requests. I wanted a real love, real affection! My face never lowered and would never register as he had hoped. I knew he only would say such things in order to revolt me, or make me think he was vile, to wince and shriek in horror, but if I stood firm with longing sadness in my eyes, it would only frustrate his cause. I knew he hated our marriage and resented my intrusion into his well-ordered life. It was difficult and irritating for him, a long-time bachelor, set in his ways, to have me around all the time. So, he was stuck with his unease over what to do about my presence, and he was, after all, a man.

Still, I carried on, cherishing the bright spots in my otherwise gloomy life. I found myself being drawn to him as I watched him teach. I would be working, grading papers, listening to his lectures, hanging on every word without his awareness. Now that the fear of being his student was gone, even though I was still being tutored, no grade was being affected and no homework required! I could actually listen critically without worrying over the material. I was enraptured by his knowledge. He was the most intelligent man I had ever known. As our evenings were so devoid of any other marital activities, I would ask him in-depth questions over some of the material he covered in his classes. At first, he seemed irritated over my "incessant prattle," as he called it, because he wanted his wife to learn, not interrupt his instructions. But, as the days went by, his temper abated, and he realized I was truly interested in whatever topic I brought up.

There was no way I could match wits with him, but I possessed my own brand of knowledge that complemented his own ideas, and there were times when he was forced to view aspects he might never have questioned before. Besides that, my resilient nature enabled me to endure his irascible one. As I began to tap into his intelligence, I found myself very attracted to him. His formidable presence was strangely seductive. Some women are attracted to the physical aspects of a man. I, on the other hand, was attracted to the intellect.

Being with him, isolated in the dungeons as we were, I was privy to a peculiar side of him that was..., well, basically funny! On one such occasion, we were up very late working on a difficult potion for my studies. We were so tired and sleepy, we started getting silly. I mispronounced the name of an ingredient. He started to laugh, not derisively, but in a lighthearted way. I was pleasantly surprised to hear such a rich and deep laugh emanating from somewhere inside him. Suddenly, I was overcome with a fit of giggles. I doubled over laughing, and I caught his arm to help me from falling over. My laughter seemed to make him laugh harder. There were laughing tears coming out of the corners of his eyes. Finally, I controlled myself and became emboldened to correct him on a critical step in the potion recipe.

"Okay, okay, let's get serious!" I said, trying to become sedate.

I looked over at the potion as he started adding ingredients while stirring clockwise. "Mmm... I think you would have more success if you stirred it counter-clockwise," I offered.

"And what precisely do you know about potion-making?" he teased, still with laughter in his voice.

"I agree, not a lot, but I'm telling you to try on the third stir, add a counter motion...I've a hunch!"

He looked at me with suspicion, but a sly smile crept over his face. "Oh, just try the damn trick!" I smiled with exasperation and a hint of flirtation in my voice.

He complied, and the recipe was a complete success. He was surprised, impressed even. I leaned in with my face close to his to peer over the cauldron and then shifted my eyes to watch his evaluation. He turned his face to mine and found himself just an inch away. He looked down with half-closed eyes. I could feel the pupils of my eyes dilate with desire. I wanted him to read my mind. Images swarmed in my head of all the things I wanted him to do to me. Our breath mingled, and I felt the steam from the cauldron on my arm. A drop of sweat wound its way down my waist inside my wool, black bodice. When would this silence end?

"That was... interesting," he whispered. We were so close; he took my face in his hands, leaned in slowly, and kissed me. It was our first kiss since our wedding ceremony and much more passionate. We grabbed onto one another, fistfuls of hair and robes, kissing so fiercely I didn't know where I ended and he began. I arched my back to force my breasts against his chest. He responded by roughly wrapping his hands around the material of the back of my bodice and crushing me to him. Finally, we broke apart to breathe, but still holding onto each other. I was so happy. Then he whispered in my ear,

"Oh, Lily, Lily...I love you!"

I wrenched from him and looked at him full in the face, destroyed, distraught, betrayed. How could he? Who the hell was Lily? The realization of what he had done swept over his face.

"Please, Victoria," he began, as he held on tight to me.

"I'm leaving!" I moaned loudly as I fought to escape his grasp. I felt my heart was going to explode from shock and grief.

I extracted myself from his grasp and ran to our bedroom. I whirled around. Damn! I have nowhere to hide! I thought. He followed slowly and slumped onto a chair. He was pale and sickly.

"I suppose you want to be alone?"

I paced in circles in front of the fireplace and finally stopped, bracing the mantle with one hand and my other hand shoved up in his direction, as if I needed to keep him at a distance. I needn't have bothered. He wasn't about to come near me again any time soon. "No, I changed my mind! Actually, I want to know what the hell are you playing at?" I seethed. I couldn't look at him. I was scared to betray my anger, to let him know how much pain I was feeling.

"Not playing. I'm not," he whispered.

"Who is she, Severus?"

"I can't talk about it, please."

"Why did you kiss me? Why did you marry me?" I started pacing around the room like a caged animal. "I hate this!" I spat at him. "I hate this whole fucking life!" I was raging now. Months of pent-up frustration finally broke through. I picked up a vase and hurled it at him.

Severus shielded himself from the flying vase with a flick of his wand. It crashed into the opposite wall. He jumped up and strode over to me. "I told you: I'm DEAD."

I grabbed his robes and pulled him to me. "A dead man did not just kiss me! I know that you can love me if you just would let it...or her...go!"

"I can't!" he groaned.

"Then it's not going to stop! The pain, the anger, the bitterness, just let it go...let me love you. LET ME IN!!" I half screamed, half sobbed, choking on the words as I slid to the floor, my hands covering my face. It was over. I could no more hold in my despair. I was a fool, lying like a heap on the floor.

Severus backed away and closed his eyes, shaking his head. "It is too late. Everything is set in motion. I'm just a ghost, a shell of what I once was, or could have been. It can't be for you and me. But one day, you'll be free to love and forget all this pain."

I looked up at him. He was a statue, unyielding and, apparently, unfeeling. "W-what has happened to you?" I cried, my eyes awash with tears.

He looked down at me and unknowingly grabbed his left forearm...where I knew the Dark Mark was. He jerked his head and his fury grew as he prowled the room "Life! Life conspires; life leads you to places you never thought you'd go." He turned to me and pointed a finger as if he were accusing me of a horrific crime. "You think you have all the answers, and then it all falls apart."

Severus then calmed down, lowered his hand and frowned. He strode over to me, picking me up from the floor and sat me on the bed. Then he took me by the hands and said softly with pity, "One day soon, you will understand, and it will all become plain. You are a good girl. If there were another place, another time, we could have been happy..."

His words were lost on me now. I knew it was hopeless to continue. It was all over. I had to stop this, kill this desire. Our roads were diverging...