Five - Matching Wood

"I know the story of you and Lily, Severus. You don't have to tell me if it's too painful for you."

Severus looked up at Mimi searchingly. They were sitting in his chambers, pushing their breakfasts around on their plates, not really eating, as Severus tried to marshal his thoughts and explain how Mimi had come into possession of a deck of tarot cards he had created before Harry Potter was born.

Part of him, that knee-jerk part that automatically scoffed at anyone claiming to know 'the whole story' of him and Lily Evans, wanted to tell Mimi to fuck off, that she couldn't possibly. In light of recent events, however, Severus was inclined to believe that this time, someone might actually be telling him the truth.

And it was painful; how else could he describe it? He had taken a young girl's friendship and repaid it with cruelty and his own blackened self-loathing. By the time he had got up the courage and maturity to beg for her forgiveness, she and James Potter, his arch enemy, were married and Lily was carrying Potter's child.

Severus remembered the last time he actually saw Lily alive. It was in Diagon Alley, and she was heavily pregnant with Harry. She was lush and ripe and glowing, and her very presence shamed him; set him apart, taunted him with her impropriety with that lecherous pig, Potter.

Her flouted pregnancy tossed his enforced virginity back into his face; he, Severus, had chosen to remain celibate, refusing to give into his baser desires, reasoning that they showed him at his most unfaithful worst.

He could forgive Lily her sexual trespasses; he simply could not condone his own. By the time it no longer mattered, self-denial had become a way of life for Severus, and he despaired of ever knowing a woman's touch before he departed this earth.

So, on that last, worst day, Severus stood next to Olivander's and watched her pass by, not even registering him; chatting and laughing with Potter and the werewolf, Lupin, looking like the goddess of bounty she was. Severus ached so badly he could barely clutch his wand.

It was not just physically wanting her; he wanted to be hers. Oh, for Lily to be ripe and big-bellied with his own child! Immobile and expressionless, he watched her, then returned to Spinner's End and drank himself almost into St. Mungo's for the better part of a week.

When he could force himself to think about her again, it was too late. And the last time he saw Lily, she was dead, a stiffening corpse - his eternal, denied lover. He felt at that moment that he was destined to never know that kind of love, to never see a woman look up into his face with desire and longing. He told himself he did not deserve it, after what he'd done.

At times, he found it easy to accept a life without sex, especially now that life was surely forfeit. But there were times, especially in the last month or so, when the thought of never knowing love almost carved his heart right out of his chest, and he found it hard to find a reason to get out of bed every morning.

Severus caught Mimi's eye, and for a moment he could almost Legilimise into her mind. It was nonsense, of course. More like imprinting his thoughts and feelings onto her. Still, she looked at him with so much sadness and empathy, and he thanked Merlin that he truly did not have to explain Lily to her.

"Yes, well, the Sempra Deck." Severus took a big breath. How to explain it? He took a sip of scalding hot tea, and licked his lips. "After Lily and I... parted company, I became obsessed with winning her back. I was too young and foolish to realise she had never been mine to lose, but I was arrogant and desperate enough to believe that, if I could do something, anything to make her forgive me, I could at least make her see me in a kinder light.

"I sought to use any talent at my disposal to get her to at least speak to me again, and I hit on the idea of making her a gift that would convey my esteem for her. I envisioned a deck of Tarot, with each card a work of art, each unique, and dedicated to her.

"I created each card to tell a story about us, together. Each card of the Major Arcana was a picture of moments we'd shared, or experienced, or told one another about. And then I infused the cards with my purified essences."

Mimi looked at first confused, then startled. "Essences?" She squeaked. "As in... essences? Plural?"

For the first time since the conversation started, Mimi looked as embarrassed as Severus felt. He grimly nodded, but pressed on, convinced that the telling of the story would somehow vindicate his actions.

"Essences, yes. Blood, tears, semen, sweat, urine. Those are powerful ingredients; when freely given, doubly potent, if a Potioneer understands how to use them. All of them went into the making of the deck."

"I see," Mimi said, hoping she sounded completely comfortable about it. In reality, she was a little shocked. To put that much of one's self into a talisman as powerful as a Tarot deck could be as potentially dangerous as it was useful.

Severus haltingly continued. "I sent her the deck. Around the edges, I wrote the word, Sempra, 'always'. I wanted her to know I would always love her, that the gift was unique and hers alone to use."

He shook his head, as if remembering those times. "I didn't expect to hear from her. The Deck was a gift, merely to show her how sorry I was, and how I wanted her forgiveness."

A look of bitter sadness passed over his face. "Within a week, the cards were returned to me with a note. A very kind, bloodless little note." His voice darkened with barely concealed hurt. "'It's a lovely gift, Severus, but one too precious to be in the house where a young child might run the risk of damaging it.'"

His face was a thundercloud. "She honestly thought the deck was infused with Dark Magic! As if I, of all people, would give her anything to cause her harm!" He shook his head, and Mimi placed a gentle hand on his arm to calm him. His eyes were alight with anger. "Oh, I saw through her pretty words – she wasn't afraid her child would damage the cards – she thought the cards were there to damage her child!"

He dashed away a tear that had formed in the corner of his eye and turned away from Mimi. "I put the deck away. I never touched it again." His voice grew soft and heartbreakingly winsome. "And then Lily was killed because of the prophecy I'd overheard. And I started to wonder: had it brought harm to her?"

He looked helplessly at Mimi, as if begging her to contradict him. "I was a practitioner of Dark Magic; had it leached its way into the essences of my very being, and thus into what I'd created with them? Was the Sempra Deck a tool for causing harm? I don't know. I'm not even sure why it behaved as it did with you." He looked at her, his dark eyes shuttered and unreadable. "I will tell you, and it is the truth: I do not know how it came to be in your possession."

The two of them were silent for awhile. Finally, Mimi spoke, weighing her words carefully. "Perhaps, Severus, you put so much of yourself into them, they somehow tried to seek out and find those that are somehow connected to you in some visceral way. Maybe they instinctively know who is there for you when you need them the most." She ventured to touch him again, and he looked into her face a little obliquely, as if afraid of what she would say.

Mimi smiled. "I will tell you, and this is truth, that I have always admired you, Severus."

He swallowed nervously. Mimi smiled to herself. At times he was still as awkward as a gawky seventeen-year-old. He shrugged. "All I know about the deck is ever since it was created, it has brought me nothing but pain and trouble."

Before she could stop herself, Mimi huffed, "Well, thanks a lot."

Severus looked at her in alarm, and shook his head. "Am I wrong, Mimi? Has it not uprooted you here, disrupted your life, and placed you in the middle of the most turbulent time in our history? Has it not sent you to the Dark Lord, perhaps to die?"

Mimi smiled. "I'm not going to die, Severus. Whatever, or whoever sent me back here knows it. If you didn't bring me back here, and I believe with all my heart it wasn't you, then someone else brought me here for a purpose, and they knew I'd succeed, or else there would be no one to send the deck back to in the future."

Severus looked a bit irked. His voice was faintly chastising. "That is not how time travel works, Mimi."

Mimi smiled. "How do you know?"

He scoffed faintly, then gave her a calculating look. "Excuse me," he said, and walked through to his bedroom. Mimi waited quietly while he was gone. She had a faint idea what he was doing.

Shortly he returned, looking grim. He lowered himself into his chair heavily. "I went to where I had hidden the deck. It is gone." He managed to look indifferent as he shrugged. "I truly didn't expect for it to be there, but it just reinforces the idea they were used it for the express purpose of bringing you here. Why? I still cannot say."

Mimi stood, and crossed to the chair in which Severus was seated. She knelt down at his feet, and he looked into her lovely eyes. She reached out to stroke his pale, slender hand, and it twitched at her initial touch.

When he didn't pull away, Mimi threaded her fingers with his and squeezed very gently. He looked down at her in faint surprise. She slid her fingers away, and he released them almost reluctantly. She stroked the top of his hand, trying to soothe him with her touch.

"Severus, I don't know what the deck does, or how it works. I only know it brought me to you, and at a time when we both needed one another for support. I will always be grateful for it." She gave his hand a playful little shake. "That is amazingly powerful magic, Severus! You should be proud of what you created, instead of ashamed of it!" She patted his wool-clad knee. "You're good!"

He allowed himself a smirk. "Well, I am a wizard, you know. And a Potions master of some talent."

It touched her to hear the pleased note of pride in his voice. It was faint, to be sure; faint and laced with irony, but there, nevertheless. It broke her heart a little to know just how little praise he'd probably received in his lifetime, and how much he deserved. Well, my dear wizard, get used to it, because you're going to get an earful of it from now on.

Mimi tilted her head and looked up at him. "A Magic Man. Look at you. Big, bad, Potions master. A dark, beautiful sorcerer, that's what you are, Severus."

Severus snorted, and looked away, uncomfortable as always when his looks were mentioned. "Beautiful? I hardly think the word applies to me, Miss Manderly."

Mimi insisted, "There's a wonderful book in the Muggle world about the Merlin legend, and when the author describes him, she might as well have been talking about you. Tall, black hair, black eyes, pale skin." Mimi felt his hand grow warm beneath hers. "He is called beautiful, because he has power that no one understands."

"Except Nimue. She understood it; she coveted it. She ended up stealing it."

Mimi nodded. "She was very cruel to Merlin, and tricked him, enticing him with her virgin body. She traded her virginity for answers."

"Is that what you expect me to do?" The moment the words were out of his mouth, Severus leapt from his chair and walked away from Mimi, mortified at all but confessing his lack of sexual experience. What a fool she must think him!

Mimi didn't move for a moment. Instead, she watched him carefully, trying to gauge his reaction. She honestly had no idea how to answer him.

Finally, she sighed, and rose to her feet. She walked over to where Severus stood, staring moodily into the fire, pretending that he'd said nothing more inflammatory than 'pass the eggs'. Mimi put a steadying hand on his shoulder, but he moved away from her, clearly embarrassed.

Mimi shook her head. Quietly, she asked, "Severus, do you think I care whether or not you've had sex? Do you honestly think that makes any difference with me?"

"I don't want or need a pity fuck," he spat, shrugging off the hand that once again tried to comfort him. "And I won't be a curiosity fuck, either."

Mimi grabbed his over-robe and spun him to face her. She looked up into his flushed face, petulant and sullen, and in her eyes he saw an anger that dwarfed his insecurity. "Who said anything about 'fucking'?"

Her eyes snapped. "Honestly, Severus, what do you take me for? I said I wanted to be your friend! If you've got any cherry popping in mind, you might want to discuss it with me first!"

She spun around to leave, and he reached for her, his long arm shooting out to hold her and prevent her from leaving. "Don't go!" His fingers bit into her shoulder, and he pulled away suddenly, as if he'd burned her. He looked ashamed and sorrowful. "I'm sorry, Mimi. I'm just –" He sighed, and Mimi's heart began to pound.

He closed his eyes, and his voice shook. "I no longer feel I have control over any aspect of my life anymore. I'm just used by one and all, and I allowed my resentment to cloud my judgment, and my manners."

Mimi relaxed somewhat. She stepped closer, and once again risked placing her hand against his chest, over his heart. "I'm not here to use you, Severus. I may not know the true reason I've been brought here, but I swear all I want to do is to be your friend. To make sure you're not alone." She touched his face gently, and he closed his eyes.

He began to breathe heavily, and Mimi understood; he was so starved for human touch, even this gesture was enough to overwhelm him. She fervently wished to introduce whoever had mistreated this man to a fine, lingering hell.

Without really knowing what she was doing, or even if it would do more harm than good, she took his hand and tugged gently. "Come and sit on the sofa with me, Severus. I'm a little too short to do this standing up."

His eyebrows flew almost up to his hairline, but he allowed himself to be led. He sat down on the end of the sofa, his posture stiff and wary. Mimi sat on the opposite end, and patted her lap. "Come, Severus. Lay your head down here."

For a moment, she was sure he would not. Everything in his body language said refusal. He looked into her eyes searchingly. Slowly, he shifted over, his eyes never leaving hers, and reclined until his head rested in her lap.

Mimi waited a few long seconds while he made himself comfortable, then she closed her eyes. Please help me do the right thing, she said silently out into the universe. Her hands, moving of their own accord, began to stroke his hair. It was not exactly clean, but it was not filthy either.

She suspected he was just one of those men who thought themselves so unattractive they didn't take care of the details, but he was not unclean. In fact, he smelled wonderful; spicy, woodsy and familiar.

He was warm and alive in her lap, like a wild animal, ready for flight at the first sign of danger. She continued to stroke him, and her hands kneaded the heavy fabric of his over-robe.

"I wish I'd told you to take this off," she murmured, almost to herself. He muttered an incantation, and the robe was gone, leaving him in his waistcoat and shirt. "You must show me how to do that sometime," she smiled, gently rubbing his shoulders.

He said nothing, only looked up at her, as she stroked his face with the backs of her fingers. His rapid breathing gradually slowed, even as she unbuttoned the top of his shirt and stroked his neck and his breastbone. His eyes fluttered closed, and as her fingers ghosted over his cheeks, his ears, his nose, he made a soft, sweet sound that made Mimi's heart threaten to burst from her chest.

She placed her hands under his shoulders, and with a little pull, she whispered, "Sit up." He shifted higher, until his back was resting against her chest, and she put her arms around him, and placed a gentle, tentative kiss against his temple. She felt his breath hitch, but he said nothing.

Mimi lost track of how long they sat together, but gradually his body relaxed against her, and when she rested her hand against his chest, his hand came up to clasp hers. His fingers stroked the back of her hand, hesitantly at first, then freely, with the concentrating air of a student learning, memorizing how to do something.

He shifted a little higher, until he could lean his head back on her shoulder. Mimi touched him without reserve now, holding him closely, as he drank in her caresses like a man so used to being thirsty that water is almost painful to drink. He opened his mouth several times, as if preparing to speak, but soon closed it again, simply allowing her to press him against her, to experience her heat and touch.

His hands entwined with hers, and suddenly he brought her hand to his lips and kissed it gently. He held it against his mouth furtively, as if afraid of rebuke, and when none was forthcoming, he kissed it again, his lips pressing against the soft skin on the back of her hand. Mimi risked a gentle kiss against his temple, and he turned her hand in his and burned a brand of his lips into her palm.

Oh, shit, Mimi moaned to herself, feeling the saddle between her thighs grow hot and wet. And you haven't even kissed me yet. I'm in more trouble with you, Severus Snape, than I ever thought to be with your Lord Voldemort.

Her lips parted slightly, and she lowered her head a little to place her second kiss on his cheek. It was warm and smooth, the pale skin surprisingly soft, and at her touch she felt his tongue flick against her palm. This time, the sweet sound of longing escaped her own lips.

Severus' heart was pounding so hard he was sure she could hear it. Perhaps she was enjoying a laugh at his expense. That insecure, mistrustful part of him urged him to push her away, but the soft skin of her wrist was so enticing, and he told that part of himself that he felt safe and cocooned here in her arms.

Her lips against his cheek were warm and her breath was soft and fragrant. He could feel his erection awakening, calling to him, and he knew soon he would not be able to conceal it. His lips moved to her inner wrist, and he realized her heart was beating a tattoo in time with his. He felt a cautious sort of elation. He was not the only one affected here.

He captured her hand between his, and drew one of her fingers into his mouth, not truly understanding why he did this, only that he knew he must. He felt her breath hitch against his back, and he closed his eyes, feeling almost delirious with the sensation of touching and being touched after so long. It felt forbidden and any moment she might push him away, chastise him for his boldness, but he didn't care. He sucked her finger hard inside his mouth.

The soft, spongy feel of his tongue cradling her finger, inflamed her senses, and Mimi made a sweet little mewling sound in her throat. Oh, fuck, what is he doing? she thought. Her opposite hand clutched at his shoulder, and she placed a little nipping kiss against the side of his throat with her lips and teeth, and felt as well as heard him moan low and sensuously in his throat.

Suddenly, he shifted, and spinning around, grasped the back of her neck and kissed her; a hard, demanding, desperate kiss, forcing her mouth open, thrusting his tongue inside. Mimi felt as if she were a flame, burning hard and fierce against him, and she threw her arms around his neck. He broke away from her, panting hard, their eyes burning into one another. Somehow, he whipped around and took her in his arms. He swooped down upon her, kissing her with hungry, ravenous kisses that she returned with a feral yearning all her own.

There was a sweet buzzing in his head, and he knew he was being aggressive, his kisses lacking in sophistication and finesse, but she felt like heaven in his arms, and he drew her onto his lap, pulling her against him until he could actually feel the heat between her thighs as it warmed his lap. For a moment, he thought he might come in his pants.

Mimi had never felt anything like the sensations going through her body and mind. She was kissing Severus Snape, and his hungry, needful mouth was intoxicating. Never had any man kissed her like this; grasping, fraught, selfish and greedy. No man had ever made her feel this way – as if he would die without her. Severus kissed her as if she were his only link to the world, and to pull away from her would mean the loss of his very being.

His hands threaded through her dark hair, and she cupped his face in her hands as his kisses moved from her mouth down her neck. He searched blindly for those places to touch, to draw those moans and shivers from his goddess. Each sound he wrenched from her throat sent a lightning bolt to his cock, and he knew he wouldn't last long if she continued to writhe against his crotch. He placed a strong hand on her thigh to still her; he was dangerously close to making a fool of himself.

Slowly, they gentled their assault on one another, and Mimi was astonished at how he educated himself with each kiss. He soon learned the soft sweep of his tongue over her bottom lip caused her to sigh; that the gentle sucking, pulling caress of his lips away from hers awarded him a tender moan. He learned that her mouth was a warm, enticing haven, and their lips fit against one another perfectly.

Mimi was also learning. Severus loved to feel her hands rake through his hair. When she suckled on his lower lip, he made a low noise against his will. When her mouth slid to his throat, he shivered and whimpered. And through it all, he held her so close that she felt like the most cherished, coveted possession on earth. Lily had been a fool, she thought, without regret. This man is a treasure.

This man will be dead in a year's time...

Mimi pulled back from him, alarmed at her thoughts, and she looked up into his severe, stern face, and was struck by the thought that she knew his future. Here, with his lips swollen and reddened by her kisses, his eyes fiery and his pale skin with a delicate flush on his cheeks, he was so beautiful, and Mimi cried out her longing for him, "Oh, Severus, I love you with all my heart."

His answering cry was not happy, nor was it sad. It was a cry of pain.

"Gods, he's summoning me again!" he hissed, holding onto his arm. He looked up at Mimi, and a well-trained wall came down, shuttering his emotions, tamping down his passions to dust. "You must come with me now, Mimi."

Stunned, she rose from his lap, alarmed at how her legs were trembling. In spite of Severus' bland, unreadable expression, she could see the concern for her unsteadiness. "It's the shock," she said, laughing shakily. "I've never given a declaration of love before, and I'd sort of hoped for a different reaction."

If Severus heard her, he gave no indication. "Accio robe and mask!" he intoned, and from his room flew a heavy, wool robe and a silver mask. He drew on the robe, and buttoned it quickly. Muttering under his breath, Severus narrowed his eyes at Mimi, and drew a symbol in the air.

Mimi felt as if unseen hands were lifting her arms and her hair, and a midnight black robe, trimmed in velvet and sable fur, slid over her clothes and wrapped itself around her as if it had been made for her. Those same unseen hands grasped her right foot, and finely made over-the-knee boots of black leather were drawn first onto her right foot, then the left.

The hood of the robe rose and attached itself magically to the front of her hair, and Severus stepped back to admire his handiwork. "That will do, I think."

Severus strode over to the fireplace, and grabbed a handful of Floo Powder and stated very clearly, "The Headmaster's Study." He threw the powder onto the hearth, and bright green flames engulfed him.

From where she stood, Mimi heard him say, "I have been summoned again, Albus. I will inform you of my return." He stood for a few moments, presumably listening to Dumbledore's reply, then spoke, "Understood."

He stepped out of the flames, shook off a few specks of dust, then looked at her. Now that the initial shock was over, she felt a calmness steeling over her. She thought about Severus, and how she could save him. How she had to save him, and she'd have to keep her wits about her.

He looked down at her, his unreadable mask in place. "A declaration of love? I am not sure I can believe in love now."

Mimi looked up at him, willing him to trust her. "It's okay, Severus. That doesn't matter. Love believes in you."

For a moment, the mask slipped and his look in his eyes nearly crushed her with his hope and fear, and the yearning to trust, to believe. Then the look was gone, and the imperious Severus Snape, disdainful of all things save his Slytherin hide, was safely in place. He stepped back, and nodded sagely.

"You make a fine goddess, Mimi Manderly."

Together they walked out to the Apparation point just beyond the boundaries of the school, and they once again kissed before they Apparated away, perhaps to die.