Minerva losing

Chapter three: Minerva losing

Minerva more or less placed Severus in the armchair again before producing a potion to deal with his migraine. He felt desolate and disappointed – in a way that had nothing to do with logic – that Minerva had seen how sick he was, but had still let him suffer. It was something he might have done, but he never imagined Minerva doing something similar.

She also arranged for a very impressive meal to be brought to him, and after he had eaten and the tea tray had arrived, Minerva started, in her rather abrupt manner, to give him a general outline of the Battle of Hogwarts.

Severus filled two cups with strong black tea from the large teapot, and handed one of the them to Minerva. He leaned back and drank, savouring the taste, listening to the story.

"So, the Dark Lord used Avada Kedavra?" Severus said, and put his cup down on the small table beside him.

"Of course he did, after a very long rant," Minerva said, her voice dry.

"Yes, he tended to do that. The boy had thwarted him so many times, so I imagine he'd had some time to build up his ire. What did Potter counter with? I assume he also used Avada Kedavra?" said Severus.

"No, not all." Minerva said, with a proud smile. "About as far away from that horrid spell as you can possibly get, I would say."

Severus looked closely at Minerva.

"Why didn't he use it? Do you know?"

"I have no idea. I never asked him. I think he finds that spell too distasteful. No wonder, if that's the case, considering what happened to his parents, and Diggory, of course."

She shrugged and, looking somewhat downcast, poured herself some more tea.

"So what did he use?" Severus asked.

"As Tom Riddle used his signature spell, Harry also used his. He used Expelliarmus."

Severus felt his face fall, and for once, he was unable to school his features into indifference.

"Expelliarmus?" he said. "Potter used Expelliarmus to beat the Dark Lord, and he won?"

Minerva looked at him and gave him a rather smug smile. "I think he learnt that from you. At the Duelling Club," she said and then added, in a overly sweet tone of voice, "and you always said that the boy didn't pay you proper attention."

Severus threw her a dirty look.

"I don't know why you are so amused. Do you even realise what a disaster that might have been? Expelliarmus indeed."

"Do stop it, Severus. It ended well, after all. Not as well as one might have wanted, with so many deaths, but we both know it could have been far worse."

Severus gave her a reluctant nod. It was no use ranting about Potter. The boy had won. The boy who lived, no matter what was thrown at him, was a hero yet again, and as irritating as it was, it was still a relief that the Dark Lord was dead. If he hadn't hated the brat so intensely, he might have been tempted to thank him.

"Amazing that the boy managed so well," he said with a sneer of pure distaste.

Minerva looked at Severus with both surprise and annoyance. "How so? The poor boy has proved himself any number of times. I really thought you had put your animosity aside, considering everything you chose to give him," she said.

Severus felt uneasy. The comment had sounded like a non sequitur to him, but he knew Minerva. Her mind was an ordered one.

"I don't understand ... give him?" he said.

Minerva sighed. "Your memories Severus, as you well know. Not only did he use them to beat You-Know-Who but he also used them to clear your name." She gave him a stern look. "He told us everything that happened to you in the shack, how you recognized him, even as you were dying, and how you gave him the memories he needed. How you had the ... generosity ... to even give him those ... " She straightened her back, looking awkward and embarrassed. She watched the fire intently and said, in a tone of voice that made it clear that whatever other people might have heard, they hadn't heard it from her, " ... private ones."

Severus was feeling nauseated.

"Minerva, what exactly are you referring to?" he said, keeping his voice devoid of emotion.

"Oh, Severus," she said, sounding exasperated, "the memories of Lily, of course. That you were in love with her and what happened between the two of you. It was very generous of you."

Severus shuddered and sank deeper into the armchair. He hadn't had any time to contemplate what had really happened in the shack, but he hadn't forgotten either. He had assumed, however, that giving Lily his memories was a hallucination induced by his dying, oxygen-deprived, brain.

Lily was dead, and she had never worn spectacles. Rather ugly, round spectacles. Exactly like Potter's. He could feel his cheeks heating from the humiliation. The mistake was embarrassing enough. The fact that he had presented the whole pathetic story of his wasted life to the son of his archenemy was devastating.

Adding to his misery, Minerva smiled that smile she used when she was pleased about something. The exact same smile she sometimes used when a particularly stupid student, by some odd quirk, had succeeded with a difficult task.

"It helped Harry so much," she said.

"How many people know?" Severus said, fearing the answer more than he had ever feared the Dark Lord.

Minerva answered his question, seemingly oblivious to Severus's embarrassment.

"Harry told the remaining members of the Order and showed them to Shacklebolt. That was enough to have your name cleared, and you are now a hero. The Order of Merlin I mentioned before came about because of those memories."

"I was dying," he said, hearing his words coming out cold and aggressive. He tried to recall the names of the surviving Order members. He would have to Obliviate the Weasley family in its entirety. Potter, of course. Granger. It would be hard to get to Shacklebolt. He gritted his teeth, sinking even deeper in the armchair. It was a shame he couldn't deal with Minerva immediately. He needed a new wand as fast as possible.

Minerva, now aware of Severus's foul mood, seemed to opt for a quick change of subject. She cleared her throat and said, "I take it we should find you that mirror now." She hesitated and looked at him again. "You look very young, you know."

Severus straightened his back in an attempt to regain control, and said, "About eighteen or so? At least that was what Bellatrix told me."

Minerva smiled. "Yes, Severus, about eighteen. Your posture is much better than it was then, though." She looked critically at him. "You carry yourself with more confidence, and you're not as twitchy as you were back then. Thank heavens for that, because you always did remind me of an overgrown spider when you were a boy."

Severus watched Minerva as she rose from her chair and walked over to her tartan handbag, where she rummaged around until she found a mirror.

"Brace yourself," she said, handing him the mirror.

Severus took it, frightened of what he would find, but still needing to know what Bellatrix had done to him.

He let out a hissing breath as he stared at his reflection with horrified fascination. He couldn't help bringing his hand to his face to trace the changes. He was young again. Terribly young.

Dirty and bloodstained as he was, his nose was still the same. His eyes were the same. His hair was the same. His angular face was the same. The wrinkles around his eyes were gone though and so were the deep grooves around his mouth. His skin was smooth and sallow, but his teeth looked better. Still crooked, but whiter. Oddly enough, he didn't look quite as horrible as he remembered.

At eighteen, he had hated everything about himself. Now, in contrast, he didn't think it was all that bad. Severus rose and looked down at himself. He was tall, not that surprising since he had reached his full height at age sixteen. He had regressed though, which was unfortunate since he was now as thin as he had been back then, and that made him bony, rather than lean and wiry. The greatest difference, however, was that nothing hurt anymore. An upside to the misery of being a teenager again, since his old body had hurt constantly, battered as it had been.

Minerva gave a small sigh, looking into the fading embers of the fire as Severus put the mirror on the table and sat down again.

"We do have a lot to discuss, you realise," she said.

"What do we have to discuss?" he said, voice deliberately soft as he watched Minerva. He was suspicious.

Minerva, pursing her lips and giving him a stern look, said, "What I meant was, what are you going to do now?"

"What do you mean? According to what you just told me, I am now, in the eyes of the world, a war-hero rather than a traitor. I assumed I could go back to my old life, maybe even teaching."

"Yes, you are a war-hero. I am also quite certain you could return to Hogwarts as a teacher anytime you choose. I would find something for you. The question I am trying to ask, however, is if you want to go back to your old life. You have the unique possibility to chose: do you wish to be Severus Snape, former Potions master, DADA professor and Headmaster of Hogwarts, in the eyes of the world?" Minerva tilted her head and watched him intently. "Or do you want something else?"

Minerva had a very good point. After a long silence, he said, "I would prefer something entirely different."

"I suspected as much. So what are you planning to do?" Minerva said.

"I haven't had any time to consider the matter," Severus said, "especially not from this viewpoint."

Severus looked at Minerva, realising that she was giving him that calculating look he had learnt to hate over the years they had worked together. That look always preceded something unpleasant that she was trying to present in an attractive package.

"I have been thinking, Severus," she said. "I would like you close at hand for a while, in case something happens due to the potions or the time-travel Bellatrix exposed you to. She was very good at Potions once – one of the best in fact – but the woman was deranged none the less."

She sipped her tea and continued.

"If any of the potions you were treated with were to backfire, we might be able to help you here at Hogwarts. If that were to happen, I would tell the staff the truth, so every measure could be taken to help you. In the meantime, you would act as one of our students."

She delivered the last sentence briskly and gave him a stern look over the rim of her glasses, as if that would be enough to browbeat him into obedience.

"Have you lost your mind?" he said.

"Hear me out, Severus. You will be sorted together with the first years. You will be introduced as Severus Snape, Junior. That way we don't have to deal with any name confusion." Minerva was mapping out the plan for him, sounding determined, calm and convincing.

"Minerva, have you been dipping into Trelawney's sherry?" Severus said. "If you, even for a second, think that I would return to Hogwarts as a student, you are very much mistaken."

"Again, hear me out! You can survive one year at Hogwarts. You have done it before!" She took a deep breath and continued. "Your father, for obvious reasons, hid you at birth. You have been home-schooled by Albus, myself and Severus Senior."

"I don't have a mother then?" Severus said. "Was I found in Hagrid's pumpkin patch perhaps?"

"Of course you have a mother. You are the result of a temporary liaison between your father and a Spanish witch ..."

"So I am a bastard? Not all that surprising I suppose ... " he said, the comment causing Minerva to slam her hand down on the table so hard the cups rattled.

"Do be quiet, Severus! She died when you were born. He never told us her name. We have no idea what abilities she might have had. It was your father's fondest hope that, when it was safe again, you would come to Hogwarts and take your NEWTs."

Severus gave a snort. He tried very hard to infuse it with as much contempt as he possibly could.

"A weak story, at best. Salazar is turning in his grave as we speak," he said.

Minerva gave him another stern look over the rim of her glasses. "You do understand that if we do this my way, you will get proper marks as well as a plausible background, and when you leave Hogwarts, you will have every possibility to build a new life?"

Minerva's countenance softened, and she smiled at him.

"You will have what so many of us only dream about: a new start. I think you above all others deserve that. Do you agree?"

He closed his eyes for a short moment. One year in the hands of adolescent idiots? One year of trying to avoid hexing someone into the depths of hell? He had already lived in hell for years, and he had no intention to prolong the experience.

His answer was short and succinct: "No."

Minerva's eyes narrowed, and she was now looking irritated, her beady eyes narrowed.

"Why not? It would work. You would get the best grades wizarding Britain has ever seen. You could do anything. One single year: that would ensure your health, as well as the best jobs you could find when you graduate."

She pursed her lips so hard they turned white, in an obvious attempt to keep her temper under control.

"No, Minerva. I would rather take my chances with Bellatrix again than return to school. As far as the potions go, I am willing to risk it. You seem to forget I have been dabbling in potions myself for quite some time now," said Severus, his voice dripping with irony.

"You stubborn, pigheaded... " Minerva was so upset that she had trouble finding words. It felt quite satisfying.

"You stubborn man! Why can you never see when people are trying to help you?"

Severus refused to answer her, and they sat in an uncomfortable silence for a long time, Minerva seething with anger and Severus doing nothing to end the conflict.

Minerva then poured herself another cup of tea and gave in. "So what are you planning to do then?" she said and gave an irritated huff.

"I have lost my wand," he said. He pressed his lips together and straightened his shoulders. He'd had it since he was eleven. He missed it. He felt vulnerable without it, not a feeling he enjoyed. It probably wouldn't work for him now even if he could find it, since he had lost it to the Dark Lord.

"I need a new one, and that is the first issue I am going to address. Is Ollivander working again?"

"Yes, thankfully, he is. We were worried for a while, but he is up and about. Miss Lovegood has helped him in the shop during the summer." Minerva looked amused. "I have been told that it is quite a surreal experience to shop for a wand these days."

Severus nodded. He remembered Miss Lovegood. Unflappable and impossible to intimidate. She was, by far, the most unnerving student he had ever had the misfortune to teach. "Unfortunately, I need to go there as soon as possible. Is she still there? The term is starting soon after all?"

Minerva looked at him, the flickering light from the fire reflecting in her glasses. "Oh, I think she will be there. Mr Ollivander and Miss Lovegood are very close. You should go as soon as you can," she said as she regarded his baggy, threadbare robes, wrinkled her nose and said, "Why not take the opportunity to buy some new robes, since you will be going to Diagon Alley anyway?"

Severus glared at her. "Making a fashion statement hasn't been high on my list of priorities, these last years. Trifling matters, like staying alive and protecting Potter, took up most of my time," he said, adding an acidic smile for good measure.

"Severus, do you have any money?" Minerva said, ignoring his comment.

"I will manage."

Minerva sighed. "Good. I will place you in one of our guest rooms for the time being. Why don't you clean yourself up and rest for a while? Our discussion is far from over. You need somewhere to go, and it is foolish of you not to consider my suggestion," she said.

"Minerva, I am very tired. I need a wand, and as you so charmingly noted I need clothes. When I have dealt with those practicalities, I might be willing to discuss the matter again."

And with that, he politely took his leave and was led to a room, by a house-elf that Minerva summoned, where he took a warm bath and washed away the dirt and blood.

In the safety of his room, he fell asleep as soon as he put his head on the pillow, and for the first time in eighteen years, he slept without dreaming a single nightmare and without waking up even once.