9

A/N: This was written for the first ever LM/HG exchange for Shiv5468. My undying thanks to betas of dreams DreamyDragon and Persevero for some extremely spectacular work under the duress of constant hunger from food porn. Kudos as well to BlueParis for advice on hand-to-hand combat. Prompts will be listed after the last chapter.

Disclaimer: No money has been made from the publication of this story. All words and characters are the property of J. K. Rowling

Snape and Granger, or rather Hermione and Severus, given the peace accord they'd just reached, Apparated to the front steps of Malfoy Manor and were quickly ushered inside by Tildy.

'Master is beside himself with grief.' The elf's eyes narrowed even as she wrung her hands. 'You are looking guilty. Fix this,' she said before shoving them into the study.

The very study where Lucius Malfoy sat, entirely sober with nary a tear to be seen. He sipped his tea and gazed out the window overlooking the west lawns. 'Ah, Severus, Hermione. I wondered when you might show up. I was growing concerned that the afternoon's tea might be wasted.'

Beside her, Severus snorted. 'Yes, poor Lucius. Surely, you must know that working a legion of house-elves into panic is no way to secure your intended's affections.'

His intended's affections? Did Severus really think that Lucius... why that little sneak! The both of them, really. First Severus and his Portkey fiasco...and now this? Do Slytherins hatch an eight-step plan for everything? Not that I don't appreciate a good plan, but this seems a bit Heath Robinson. Wait... did he mean for both of us to come here? Her eyes widened. Well, that certainly changed matters a bit.

Hermione scrambled to recall what she'd read in Bartimeus Bonrêve's Cultural Foundations and Traditions of Wizarding Triad Relationships. She'd snagged the book from Grimmauld Place at the beginning of her, Harry's, and Ron's quest for Horcruxes. A bit naïve at the time, she really hadn't expected the text to cover the history, practice, and, er, spatial geometry involved in wizarding ménages à trois. The illustrations alone had eased many a dull and lonely night in her room in that cursed tent.

Given the predicament, it was a pity she'd usually fallen asleep before the chapter on the rituals involved in starting a relationship. But Snape's caustic summary of the basics jogged her memory a bit. If what she remembered was correct, since Lucius was the initiating party, he would be offering a repast for her and Severus and leading a discussion on the parameters of their relationship. She fully expected Lucius to take the most circuitous route possible in laying out the terms of whatever arrangement he desired.

Lucius turned to face them, waving his hand dismissively. 'On the contrary, Severus. I would think that Hermione would look kindly on such loyalty and devotion from my house-elves.' Lucius levitated his tea tray to a cosy sitting area on the south side of the room. 'Won't you two join me for tea?'

Lucius's spread did not disappoint. His menu at Severus's was clearly not a deviation from his usual fare.

The silence that followed wasn't exactly awkward. She desperately tried to recall any of the additional details from either the chapter on factors to consider when pursuing such a relationship or the chapter on Pureblood rituals. She knew Lucius was supposed to begin the conversation, but she was grasping at straws on the other details. She cursed her lax reading habits. When Severus had brought up the courting rituals at her flat, she certainly hadn't expected this. Although, based on Severus's surprise, it seemed that he hadn't, at least initially, expected this particular situation either.

She relaxed in her chair. If, by unspoken agreement, it was up to Lucius to break the silence, she had some time to mull over the situation. If she decided to pursue this...although, honestly, what woman in her right mind would turn down the two men in front of her...hopefully, she could follow Severus's lead on how to respond to Lucius's invitation.

Until then, however, she was going to enjoy the delicate chocolate biscuits. She plucked one from the tray and sighed happily as the fractured flakes melted on her tongue. The lemon wafers were nothing to sniff at either. And the scones. She was certain she'd never had clotted cream this heavenly before.

At length, Lucius spoke. 'Severus, I've been reading your gift of Pratt's Gardener's Guide to Fritillaries.' He paused for a moment, watching Severus take a sip of his tea. 'Did you know that the stem of the Snake's Head Fritillary yields a substance that can be used to brew a spectacular water-based lubricant?'

Hermione flinched as Severus's tea narrowly missed soaking her hair.

'Lucius! Do show some restraint in front of Miss Granger!'

'Why, Severus, I'm merely engaging you on a topic of mutual interest.' Lucius feigned innocence just as poorly now as he had ten years before.

Hermione wondered for a moment if her take on the situation had been entirely wishful thinking. The biscuits dropped like lead to the bottom of her stomach.

Severus glowered at the blond. 'You've clearly lured us here with a specific goal in mind, Lucius. What is it?'

'So direct, Severus. It's hardly your style.'

Severus did not respond, but maintained his glare.

With a dismissive sigh and eye-roll, Lucius said, 'I brought both of you here because I believe the three of us should form an... alliance of sorts.'

'You want,' Severus spoke in a cold, measured tone, 'the three of us to pursue a relationship.'

'Precisely, my friend.'

'And why on earth would I want any more time in Granger's company than you've already forced me to endure?'

Ouch. Given the curious placement of Severus's plate of biscuits, she'd rather thought he'd suspected Lucius's intent and was aiming to hide the evidence. And what was with this Granger business? Wasn't this the man who'd flirted with her in her flat?

Lucius quailed momentarily at Severus's comment. Clearly, he'd expected Severus to follow along without argument. Hermione suspected she should find this flattering. Instead it was fairly irksome. Had Lucius just assumed they would follow along without argument after his manipulation?

Severus's stare was calculating. 'Lucius, I no longer have the patience for your, or anyone's, machinations. Spit it out now. What do you, Hermione, and I stand to gain from this arrangement?'

Lucius's calculating look traversed the length of Severus's body. 'You want the bald truth, Severus?'

Severus nodded in response. 'I believe that is what a normal wizard of upstanding character would do.'

Lucius ignored Hermione's tea-filled snort and launched a more detailed sales pitch on the arrangement. 'Each of us offers something of particular benefit to the others and, in turn, will profit in his or her own way from the arrangement.'

Severus grumbled something about mutual parasitism before motioning for Lucius to continue.

'Each of us has been isolated for our own reasons and, to varying degrees, craves companionship. You wouldn't have sent me the books otherwise, Severus.'

Severus acknowledged this truth with a curl of his lip.

'Once your return is made public...and you know quite well that it inevitably will be...you will be inundated with requests for your company. Harry Potter himself has lauded your actions in the war. You shall be hailed as a prodigal hero and welcomed with open arms. It will be quite to your advantage to have us at your side. Our established relationship will deflect the majority of any unwanted attentions.'

Severus frowned over his teacup, seemingly considering the merits of Lucius's proposition in the face of a rather undesirable future.

Hermione tried to look uninterested. Her expression faltered when she saw the appraising looks both men sent in her direction. She would personally hunt down Severus Snape and cast an exhausting number of hexes upon his manhood if he buggered this up.

Lucius angled slightly in his seat to face her more directly. 'Despite the obvious boost to my reputation I stand to gain from allying myself with two war heroes, for my part, I confess an honest affection and interest in both of you.'

Her stomach somersaulted at Lucius's confession. Before their stay...it was hard to call it a kidnapping any more...she'd might have expected such a declaration to be accompanied by a flirtatious wink and grin. But Lucius's face was the picture of seriousness. He seemed quite sincere.

'Severus, despite that surly exterior you project...and yes, I know you're interested; your current attempt at aloof disinterest is about to shatter a piece from one of my oldest tea services...I have known you in the past to be a very generous lover. You are attentive, caring, and bring an intellect that promises stimulating conversation both in and out of the bedroom.'

Hermione watched in shock as Severus Snape blushed. Lucius had chiselled straight through Severus's stony outer shell and revealed the curious...her eyes flickered to the plate in question...and apparently eager wizard beneath. Her mind immediately conjured several ways that she could thank Lucius for his efforts.

Lucius continued, 'Hermione, you are quite the unexpected gem. You are beguiling, fascinating, and will likely run mental circles around the both of us. You stand to gain two partners who will be attentive to your needs, both physically and intellectually, and constantly keep you on your toes. Surely you don't find this objectionable? After all, you did return my kiss while we were staying at Severus's.'

Hermione fidgeted in her seat. She tried to look as if she'd heard any of Lucius's words other than 'kiss' and 'Severus'. How on earth did one respond to an offer such as this? Her body fairly screamed 'victory dance', complete with choreographed striptease en route to wherever Lucius kept his rooms. Her brain interrupted, suggesting that a more measured response would be appropriate. After all, she had quite a bit to gain from a lengthy negotiation.

Taking a sip of her tea, she replied carefully, 'Well, Lucius, if I decide to proceed with this, how do you foresee things progressing? Severus, how much longer are you looking to perpetuate the rumour of your death? Lucius seems to be pushing for some public outings, and I'm not sure how long I'll be able to maintain the ruses required for a clandestine affair. Not when my energies could be, erm, better spent.'

Lucius's expression thawed at her show of interest. 'I believe it would be wise for us to become physically comfortable with one another before we take our relationship public. It wouldn't do for us to act like nervous first years in each other's presence.'

Both Severus and Hermione nodded in agreement. Their eyes met as each reached for a biscuit. Hermione willed herself not to glance away in nervousness and held his gaze steadily.

'Besides, Severus has been in seclusion for years. I suspect he'll require hours of private tuition before he's fit for the public eye.'

Hermione watched in panic as Severus's body tensed and his eyes narrowed.

Lucius continued, 'A month's worth of shags might be required for the man to loosen up enough to sit in our presence without a plate covering his lap.'

Hermione gasped. Honestly! Lucius should know better than to tease Severus when the details of their arrangement hadn't even been settled. Severus looked positively mutinous, and she leapt to his defence. 'Lucius, stop it. You'll drive him out of here before we've even managed our first kiss.'

Lucius smiled, though the effect was shark-like rather than attractive, and leaned forward in his seat. 'Looking forward to that, are you? By all means, go ahead, Hermione. I certainly won't stop you.'

Severus interjected, 'Enough, Lucius. We've tacitly agreed to your plan. Hermione and I shall kiss when we see fit.'

Oh, Merlin. Now? Please? Now? Do they have any idea how much they're torturing me? A quick glance in Severus's direction revealed that yes, yes, he did realise precisely the effect his words had made. Oh, great, and Lucius too. Damn smirking bastards.

'You do realise that teasing and taunting me isn't exactly going to make me eager to begin this little affair, don't you?'

'Your body language would suggest...'

'Lucius, exactly how much stroking does your ego require?' Severus barked.

'Nor will the bickering make me keen on starting this little adventure. In fact, it's nearly reminding me of the last time I met Harry and Ron for dinner...not the most appealing of images, I assure you.'

Severus bristled visibly at the comparison. Lucius leaned over, placing his hand on Severus's knee. Ignoring Severus's startled jump and the subsequent lurch of his precious tea service's plate, Lucius explained, 'She has a point, Severus. Perhaps we should resolve some of the logistical issues so we can proceed to more... pleasant matters.'

Hermione scuttled her hopes that pleasant matters would arrive sometime in the next month.

'I think dinner together two to three times a week would be a pleasant enough start. That should give us a chance to get to know one another a bit better before we sign any formal agreements. Perhaps once Severus stops flinching when someone touches him we can progress to overnight stays.'

Bugger. No pleasant matters for at least three months, then.

Lucius continued, 'Will you add Hermione to your wards, Severus? Or shall we meet here indefinitely?'

Hermione was wondering whatever was wrong with her flat when Severus replied, 'Actually, I already have done, Lucius.'

Jaws hit the floor.

'I have no objection to hosting both of you in my home. In fact, I suspect your presence will make Fluffy relent in her protests. She refuses to make my sandwiches and is insisting that I let her grow vegetables in the back garden,' he continued.

'Oh, quit whingeing, Severus. You'll soon need more substantial food to keep up your strength. I'll grant Fluffy access to the Malfoy gardens.'

Lucius looked at his clock. 'Curses, I've got dinner guests arriving in twenty-five minutes. Shall we have dinner on Tuesday evening at seven?'

At Hermione's and Severus's nods of agreement, Lucius stood from his chair and rushed towards the door. 'I must change into formal robes. I shall see you on Tuesday, then.'

'Lucius,' Hermione called, stopping him just as he left the room, 'and you too, Severus, next time you want to arrange a meeting, send an owl!'

Lucius chuckled and left the room.

Rising stiffly from his chair, Severus grumbled, 'I suppose that's our cue to leave.' He walked to the door, holding it open as Hermione approached.

'Well, this certainly wasn't how I expected to spend my Thursday afternoon,' Hermione mumbled.

Laughing, Severus replied, 'Hermione, if you were anyone other than the person who tackled me from behind and knocked me unconscious in my own home, I might take steps to make sure you didn't feel obligated or pressured into the arrangement Lucius has described. However, I suspect you would make your mind quite known if you objected to any portion of the agreement, no matter how small.'

Hermione searched his expression for any sign of maliciousness and was satisfied to find none. 'You're bloody right, I'd speak up. Lucius seems to have an impish streak that I'd certainly not expected.'

Severus snorted. 'You don't know half of it.'

'Good thing I have some time to reach my final decision, then.' She certainly had some reading to do before Tuesday's dinner, particularly given that bit about formal agreements.

Together they wound their way through the hallways of the manor until, at last, they reached the front hall. It was empty; presumably the house-elves were scurrying around in preparation for dinner.

Again, Severus held the door for Hermione, and they began walking towards the hedges that marked the edge of the property. Hermione shivered as she passed through the ward.

Stepping through behind her, Severus said in a near whisper, 'Hermione.'

Whipping around, she caught the look in his eyes and felt a flutter of hope. 'Yes?' she replied throatily and then coughed, ruining the effect entirely.

Severus smiled and took a step closer. 'I believe we need to even things up a bit,' he murmured and dipped his head.

His lips pressed against hers briefly, as if brushing a hand across a pool. He pulled back a millimetre and then dived in. The kiss escalated as their tongues flicked against each other, both inviting the other to continue the adventure, hopefully taking it to its natural conclusion.

Oh, gods. She was frantically kissing Severus Snape, clawing at his back as if to rip the blasted robes from his body, on the front lawn of Malfoy Manor where anyone could walk up, and she was considering shoving him to the ground for considerably more than a snog. Severus's body dipped, and she felt him pressing against her. She whined when he ended the contact.

'You know Lucius is probably watching, don't you?' Severus mumbled, pulling away.

'Fuck Lucius,' she cried, gripping Severus's head and pulling him in for another kiss.

He groaned and clutched her arse, grinding their bodies even closer together. 'We should stop. Not here. Not now. Not without Lucius.'

Groaning in frustration, Hermione pushed Severus away, panting audibly. 'Yes, you're right, of course. Just one more?'

'Absolutely not. I wouldn't survive it.' Severus adjusted his clothing, trying to disguise his leers at her similarly dishevelled state. 'I shall see you on Tuesday.' He Disillusioned himself and strode away.

Hermione leaned a palm against the hedge, scrambling to catch her breath. Tuesday. She only had to wait until Tuesday. Assuming she didn't combust before then. She strode off, missing the flicker of curtain from a room on the second floor.

A/N: This next and final chapter will contain SS/HG/LM. My apologies for not including this in the story warnings as it would have thoroughly ruined some of the surprise and mystery. If this isn't your cup of tea, my apologies. (I can say that it's rather tastefully and humorously done if you're willing to take the risk). If this IS your thing... well aren't you a lucky duck? :)

Heath Robinson is the British equivalent of Rube Goldberg. Insanely complicated machines designed to do something typically quite simple. You know... the bowling ball rolls to knock over a candle which lights a rope which releases a balloon and so on.