Chapter Three: Good Old-fashioned Lover Boy

Disclaimer: No, they are definitely not mine.

Chapter Three: Good Old-fashioned Lover Boy

With a stifled groan, Hermione rolled out of bed. Head thumping, stomach churning, she had but one thought in her mind. What sort of fucking Potions master goes on a road trip without any Hangover Potion? Said Potions master and arrogant friend being on the other side of the bedroom door right at that moment. Hopefully, feeling like they have been run over by a hippogriff.

After finishing her meal without hexing either of her companions, however tempting it had been, she had found herself accompanying Professor Snarky and Mr Pureblood Prick to various Brighton pubs. She had steadily become more intoxicated as she had attempted to keep up their cracking pace. The only point in her favour was that she had been drinking half to their full pints, and she had surreptitiously ditched a few in convenient pot plants when they weren't looking. Unfortunately, her subterfuge had left her in a difficult situation by the time they were all ready for bed. What to do with two totally inebriated wizards at three o'clock in the morning when there were no available rooms? Brighton was popular in the summer, and there appeared to be several conferences running which had left no rooms vacant, especially for such dodgy looking clientele as the two with her. As the soberest member of the three, she had reluctantly taken responsibility for the two men. She had not been prepared to be held culpable if they ran amok with their wands in their drunken state.

The only solution was to return to her hotel suite. Suffering the lascivious leers of the night porter, she had led the two miscreants into the sitting area of the suite, transfigured the two chairs into beds, and tucked them in. Not before fruitlessly searching Snape's pockets for Hangover potion. Bloody idiot. Now she had to go out there and face them, while feeling like shite. Some holiday.

Feeling marginally better after emptying the contents of her stomach into the toilet, cleaning her teeth, and showering, she opened the bedroom door in search of her newly acquired roommates.

"There she is, Lucius. I told you she would still be around," crowed Severus, looking disgustingly chipper for a wizard who had been incoherent a few hours earlier.

"So you did, Sev. We were just wondering how you were faring, my dear Miss Granger," added Lucius.

The force of her glare could have melted solid rock. "All right. Where is it? Hand it over. Now!"

The two men shared looks of surprised innocence. "Whatever can you mean, Miss Granger?" asked the blond.

"The Hangover Potion. Clearly you two have had some. You had better left some for me..." She dashed back to the bathroom to the sound of chuckling from both the evil men. Upon her return, Severus handed her a small vial.

"I do apologise. We did not for one moment consider that an intelligent witch like yourself would have indulged the way you did last night without a supply of this available."

She downed the potion in one swallow and sighed as the little men stopped hammering her skull. Focussing for the first time, she noted the room had been restored to its former state, and the two men were impeccably groomed. Bastards.

"So, a little breakfast, perhaps?" suggested Lucius, gesturing to the door. "I believe there is a pleasant café just across the road we could try."

"Your treat, Mr Malfoy?" Her inner bitch, who was not completely placated by the potion, needed to express herself.

"Why, of course, Miss Granger. After all, you did provide these charming accommodations for us. It is the least I can do."

Sitting at the small outdoor table a few minutes later, Hermione eyed her companions thoughtfully. "You two never did tell me what you were up to in Brighton." Excuse me if I am suspicious.

"Just on holiday, as you are yourself," replied Lucius off-handedly as his eyes tracked a sweet young thing walking past. "Ouch! What was that for?" he complained when Hermione slapped his arm.

"She's about fifteen, you middle-aged pervert!" she scolded.

"Well, she should wear more clothes if she doesn't want men to notice her," he retorted.

"It's not old prats she wishes to attract, you dolt." She pointed to the two teenage boys who had met up with the object of Lucius's attention.

"You wound me woman. Old, indeed. I am at my peak. And available." He winked and smiled suggestively.

Severus' snort into his coffee drew attention from his friend. "And you are no better, Snape. The way you were ogling everything in a skirt last night..."

"Jealous, much?" He smirked. "What happened to professor and sir?"

"Oh, I think I stopped seeing you as my professor somewhere between graduating and putting you to bed last night." It was her turn to smirk as his face dropped.

"You put me to bed?"

"Yes. You were certainly not capable." Paralytic, more like.

"Then it was you who removed my jeans?"

"Yes." Oh, yes.

"I don't wear anything under them."

"So I noticed."

"You couldn't have transfigured them into something suitable?" he groaned, cheeks flushed.

"You would have wanted me near that part of your body with a wand in the state I was in?"

"Oh."

Hermione smiled wickedly as she calmly picked up a piece of toast. "I can tell you now; it was somewhat disconcerting to find myself with an eyeful of my professor's floppy bits."

The professor nearly choked. "What exactly was your face doing down there?"

"Oh, I had forgotten to take off your boots. I was just unlacing them," she explained blithely. I think he is going to have apoplexy in a minute.

The wizard covered his face with his hands. "To think I was that close to Nirvana, and I don't even remember it... Wait a minute. What do you mean, floppy? The Professor is not floppy!"

She demonstrated with strip of omelette. "Floppy. Definitely floppy. Just as well, too. Any other state and it would have been smacked."

Severus cringed.

"Ooh. Can I play that game? I like a good smacking." Lucius chimed in.

"You two are hopeless. It's like the boys all over again," she complained as they left the café.

Severus graced her with the full Potions classroom glare. "I do not appreciate being compared to those two imbeciles."

"Oh, come on. Dark hair, rotten childhood, moody as hell. Ring any bells?" She turned to Lucius, "And you think you can get into the pants of anything remotely female just by turning on the charm. Boys. They never grow up! So, what's next on the agenda?"

"What do you mean?" asked Severus, casting her a suspicious glance.

"Well. It appears you two cannot be trusted out in the Muggle world alone, so I suppose I will have to accompany you. Merlin knows I have been bored witless by myself. Even you two should be an improvement on contemplating my complete lack of future direction."

"Why, Granger, I am surprised at you. I would have thought you would follow the rest of the Golden Trio into the Aurory. They will need you to get them through the course, in any case."

"Well, you thought wrong, Snape. I am done spoon-feeding those two. They are on their own."

"It appears our Miss Granger has developed an attitude, Severus. I believe we should take up her offer to supervise us. I am sure we are in need of her expert attention." Lucius's inference was not lost on their companion.

"In your dreams, Malfoy," she hissed. Wet dreams, probably.

He shrugged and gallantly held open the door of the car that was parked a few yards down the street.

"This is your car?" she asked, running her hands over the smooth lines in obvious appreciation. "Where... how... why?"

"I shall explain once we are underway, Miss Granger." And he did. He was a little put out when she laughed and called him a 007 Wannabe, but nevertheless her mood seemed to loosen up a little, which was promising.

"Put some music on, Sev. Perhaps the Bowie CD?"

"Bowie?" Hermione laughed.

"Why not? We were children of the seventies, you know." Severus grinned as he found the CD and inserted it into the player.

Oh, do that again, Snape. The sight of him so relaxed was somewhat... interesting.

After a few moments the music filled the car. Severus leaned back in the seat and sang along. Hermione shook her head and surrendered to the bizarre notion of her ex-professor actually enjoying himself – without alcohol.

"With your long, blonde hair and your eyes of blue, the only thing I ever got from you was sorrow, sorrow... You acted funny, tryin' to spend my money; you're out there playing your high class games of sorrow, sorrow... Oh, for goodness sake, Lucius. Everyone knows you were pleased to see the back of her. Stop acting the pathetic, deserted husband; it doesn't become you. Besides, I have it on good authority that you had some damned good shagging in the early days, so it can't all have been bad." Severus flicked the CD onto another song.

"That was not very nice, Snape. He can't help it if he feels a little down about the end of his marriage." Hermione viewed Lucius's expression with mild irritation. He really had seemed distressed a moment earlier, but now he was grinning at his friend as if he hadn't a care in the world. Pillock.

"Don't concern yourself with me, my dear. I had a momentary lapse. I appreciate Severus reminding me of the circumstances of my divorce. The marriage was over years ago; it just took us a long time to agree to a settlement that was acceptable to all parties. This trip is our way of celebrating our new beginnings. What was the toast, Sev?"

"To freedom. From Dark Bastards, wives, and headmistresses," Severus replied, raising his hand in an imaginary toast.

"And well-meaning friends," added Hermione.

***

"Malfoy, where did you want to go for..." Hermione stopped short in the men's bedroom doorway at the sight of Lucius Malfoy, clad only in an unzipped pair of tight, leather pants. Her eyes glided slowly down his well-muscled chest, following the fine, blond trail of hair leading from his navel down to the thick, darker growth revealed by his complete lack of underwear, to the fine, soft leather of his trousers clinging lovingly to his thighs.

"See something you like?" The incorrigible blond posed.

"Hell, yes. I've always wanted some of those." She knelt before him and ran her hands over the leather encasing his calves. Where did you get them from?"

Lucius felt somewhat deflated. Well, not entirely deflated, one part of him was decidedly interested in the lovely young woman on her knees before him. "Ahem. If you aren't planning on doing something productive in that position, I suggest you move. These pants are not designed to have any room for... growth," he groaned.

She looked up, to find herself once again at eye-level with something unexpected. Oh, my. "Oops, s-sorry!" she managed to gasp before hastily leaving the room.

"Don't leave on my account," he whispered wistfully after the door had slammed.

The next moment, Severus burst into the room. "What the hell have you said to Granger? She... Damn you look good in those, you handsome bastard! You know, I would almost be tempted to shag you myself if I was that way inclined." He whistled and circled Lucius, eyeing the leather garment covetously. "Aren't they the same as the pair Freddie Mercury wore at that concert in Hanover?"

"Yes. I ordered them made especially. Don't worry. I have a pair for you, too."

Both men grinned as they checked out the mirror, then the argument started.

Hermione nearly dropped her coffee as two half-dressed wizards came into the sitting room, bickering like a pair of schoolboys. Settling herself into a chair to enjoy the view, she smiled into her cup as they continued to throw jibes back and forth.

"We will let Miss Granger decide," declared Lucius finally.

"Decide what?" she asked, curious.

"Which of us has the flattest stomach?" Lucius asked.

"Are you two serious? All that arguing and that was all it was about?" Her coffee was in grave danger of spillage as she shook with laughter.

Severus scowled. "Deadly serious. Now, decide!" He pointed at Lucius. "His, or mine?"

Both are pretty damn fine. Not telling them that. She stood and approached the two men. Poking Severus in the chest she lectured, "You do realise I am only just coming to terms with you not being the nasty, sarcastic, points-docking Potions professor. And, you," she said, turning to prod Lucius's chest in turn, "not trying to hex me, or worse, every time we meet. And now you are asking my opinion of your bodies?"

"Miss Granger. Thirty points from Gryffindor for impertinence!" snarled Severus in full classroom mode. At her look of shock, he turned to Lucius and grinned. "See, I've still got it!"

"You bastard! That's it! I am over being intimidated by you, Severus. As for you, Lucius, I could take you on in a duel any day. There was I thinking Ron and Harry were juvenile for comparing their biceps muscles, and you two want your treasure trails scored!"

"Treasure trails? What are treasure trails?" asked Lucius, lost with the Muggle terminology. Severus shrugged, none the wiser.

Stepping forward boldly, Hermione trailed her fingers slowly down each wizard's lower abdomen. "These, gentlemen, are treasure trails. The fine line of hair that leads down to..." She lightly cupped each wizard's genitals briefly. "The treasure." Spinning away to hide her blushes, she giggled at the dual gasps from the men behind her.

"Oh," they croaked in unison.

"Now, stop fooling around and get dressed. I'm hungry," she ordered.

"Yes, miss," they replied, thoroughly chastened.

***

Much later, after Hermione had retired to her bedroom, the two wizards looked at each other speculatively.

"Do you think she...?" Severus pondered.

"Well, you know her better than I. Didn't she spend months camping with Potter and Weasley? Surely she has...?"

"No. Not Hermione. She has always appeared to be disinterested, except for a few months in her sixth year, and I think that was only because she felt left out. She bosses those two idiots around like an older sister."

"You seem to have taken a great deal of notice. Is there something you are not telling me, Severus. Should I step aside?" Lucius offered gallantly.

"No, no. Nothing like that. It was just hard not to notice what the Golden Trio were up to. Even if I hadn't, Minerva's clucking would have surely informed me."

"So, you would be willing to test the waters for a little threesome?" the blond asked.

"I think you should make the first move, my friend. She still in part sees me as her teacher," Severus gloomily replied.

"Oh, I don't know. She seemed to be well aware of your role as a man earlier," Lucius chuckled.

***

A/N: Lyrics from David Bowie's Sorrow.