Four: Desperation
Chapter 4 of 5
SevvyInfatuation can last a lifetime. Who knows where a secret schoolgirl crush can take you...
ReviewedIt appeared that Professor Severus Snape had indeed been working as a spy - a double agent clearly. He had obviously riled Lord Voldermort in some way. Sara neither knew nor cared of the reasons - or rather excuses.
Whilst the whole school seemed to sink into collective shock, all she was aware of was that a light had gone out. Her one and only light, the guiding beacon that had been leading her back to Hogwarts and kept her on a single track of thought since originally leaving the school in pursuit of a career.
As this light instantaneously flicked off, so it seemed did Sara’s heart: It appeared to have simply expired. And, whilst the mechanics of it continued to pump blood around her veins to keep her physical body alive, she no longer felt anything, just a numb awareness of existing. For her there was now only dark and darkness …
It was only a reflex, mechanical instinct that made her mind and hands react, she told herself as she gathered the last of the ingredients for the deadly potion she was about to brew and added them to the fizzing, bubbling base liquid resting on the table in front of her.
She hadn’t slept, eaten or even drunk since hearing the news of Snape’s death, more than 24 hours earlier. Nor had she moved from her room to where she had first walked, unseeing, robotically, on first hearing that devastating news that had rocked her world and torn it to smithereens.
No one had come looking for her - likely they had other things on their minds - and it was only in the last few hours, as the real shock hit home, that her brain had seemed to receive any kind of coherent thought process at all. Less time still since some sort of ‘plan’ automatically appeared to hatch from the dark recesses of her mind and had begun to transform itself instinctively into action.
As she tipped the newly-brewed concoction into a glass vial, Sara was confident of its abilities. After all, she had been taught at the hands of a master, she reasoned. She knew the process of making this potion by heart. She had never needed to read up on it, not that her mind was capable of such tasks in any case. Fortunately, up until now, she had never had need to brew such a terrifying substance. The thought that it was lethal - not to mention illegal - would ordinarily have horrified her. But these were exceptional circumstances, and she knew she would do anything in order to see her beloved Potions master again.
She had already performed the ritual to enable her to encompass the after-life and was no longer afraid. Consequently, her hands remained relatively steady as she raised the vial to her lips. She had decided that, without question, she could not live without the enigmatic Professor she had so long ago given her heart to. She was mature enough to know her own mind and indeed that of her heart. But this did not stop her from crying out inside, desperately and in total despair. She wanted to somehow will the powers that be to hear her silent prayer. The fact that she had never had the chance to get to know the recipient of all her affections had truly broken her heart. She prayed that she would soon know him well, maybe even as a lover if she could finally tell him of her true feelings for him …
Sara downed the vial’s contents in one and felt the burning, hot liquid hit the back of her throat with merciless venom. She was surprised by the forcefulness of her own actions and yet spurred on by the clarity of her own reasoning. However, she was just as instantly shaken by their sudden loss, and indeed all loss - of thought, feeling, emotion, and even her own juxtaposition in the now violently spinning world - as she became less and less aware of her surroundings, her very being.
But she no longer cared. She only wanted to see darkness - to reach out and be engulfed by the black, that beautiful deep, dark, all-encompassing black.
Someone had once so profoundly proclaimed: You have to experience the dark in order to see the light …
A/N: I feel compelled to write a few notes regarding this chapter, in view of its contents.
Firstly, I would just like to explain that I, in no way, take the subject of suicide lightly. (Having, unfortunately, been suicidal more times than I care to remember, due to the pressures of constant debilitating illness, you can rest assured that this matter was actually very hard for me personally to write about.)
However, I apologise to those who are offended and saddened by it. This was never intended to be a happy story (there are plenty of those out there) but neither was it my intention to shock. I hope you will forgive me for allowing this to happen to Sara.
Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, I felt it necessary in order to emphasise the crux of my story: The futility of obsession/infatuation. Sadly, it seems such intense emotions are rarely reciprocated by the one being admired - sometimes to the point of that person not even being aware that they are subject of such idolisation - and most often the admiration is completely inflated and out of proportion (such as in the cases of fans with celebrities, for example. Or indeed fan girls with a certain Potions master, I guess!)
I hope that the epilogue (to follow soon) will go some way to explaining this opinion (which is only mine of course) in a way that will make better sense.
Thank you for reading.
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Latest 25 Reviews for Don't Stand So Close
33 Reviews | 4.85/10 Average
You've handled the subject of obsession beautifully, and highlighted just how much a person's inner world is hidden away from those who surround them. It's incredibly sad that Sara left this world without anyone knowing why.
Response from Sevvy (Author of Don't Stand So Close)
Thank you so much for this review,
Response from Sevvy (Author of Don't Stand So Close)
- I really appreciate your comments and the fact that you've taken the time to read this fic. :-)
Aww, poor Sara. I am not surprised she was tongue-tied. I'm glad Severus was gentle with her, though.
Response from Sevvy (Author of Don't Stand So Close)
I'm sure he has the capacity to be exactly that when he wants to be! Thanks for the kind review :-)
'How are you?' I'd die on the spot if Snape asked me that! Well, so did dear Sara, almost.Sevvy, you have a beautiful way with words, and you had me smiling long before the dear professor even showed up. And you had doubts about posting, tut tut.Have a very nice weekend! /M
Response from Sevvy (Author of Don't Stand So Close)
I thought you were the brave Slytherin type; surely it would take more than that to make you die on the spot?!Thanks for the review! :-)
Interesting start, Sevvy. How old is she compared with Harry etc? :)
Response from Sevvy (Author of Don't Stand So Close)
Patience, my dear Sunny - all will be revealed soon (stay tuned as they say!) Thanks you so much for the review :-)
So far so good!!
Response from Sevvy (Author of Don't Stand So Close)
Thank you so much! I'm glad you are enjoying it so far :-)
great start - nice word smithery - interested in seeing more of your original character - thanks for posting - (darn it! not a coherent sentence in the lot :-) I'll work harder next review)
Response from Sevvy (Author of Don't Stand So Close)
I'd give your review top marks actually - thank you so much for taking the time to review! I'm really glad that you're liking the story so far :-)
Oh Sevvy, one can tell straight away this is written by a true Snape lover! What beautiful descriptions! My only question is: what took you so long to post?! 
Response from Sevvy (Author of Don't Stand So Close)
Thank you,
Response from Sevvy (Author of Don't Stand So Close)
- you flatter me! (Can you see me blushing?!) I really hope the rest of this story doesn't disappoint. As I've already said, it was written quite a long time ago and I've never been sure if I should post or not but I'm so glad you like it so far. It means a lot to me *hugs* :-)
I cannot promise coherent sentences, sevvy, sorry. ;-)Wow, how I recognise Sara's thoughts and desires. It's almost uncanny.The warnings worry me though ...Glad you decided to post this, sevvy. Looking forward to chapter 2./M
Response from Sevvy (Author of Don't Stand So Close)
Thank you for your lovely review and the shiny stars my dear friend. I hope this story doesn't disappoint as it progresses. (And stop looking at warnings - it's not good for you!) :-)
I've always wanted to write a story to this song. I think of SS everytime I hear it too. This is wonderful. I hope to see more soon.
Response from Sevvy (Author of Don't Stand So Close)
Thank you for your lovely review. It's always amazed me that more people haven't connected this song to SS. Chapter two will hopefully be up soon. Thanks again! :-)
I thought that was very very good. I don't often read stories involving suicide but something got me reading this one. I like the way it worked out with everyone being completely baffled including Snape. He has a kind side to him when he encounters a former student whom he remembers as very dedicated and good at potions. He feels nothing for her otherwise and her obsession builds up things in her head which do not exist. It is sad, but there certainly are plenty of people who become obsessed and forget the real world.
Response from Sevvy (Author of Don't Stand So Close)
Thank you so much for so kindly reading and reviewing my story. You have no idea how much it means to me that you did this and that you understood what I was trying to get across. It is indeed a sad fact that people do become obsessed (with all sorts of things of course, not just another human being.) And even sadder when they can't separate fact from fantasy. I never intended this story to be really sad or depressing, but rather more of a thought provoking one with the message of hope (i.e. the eagle representing eternal life.)I'm really glad you 'stayed the course' and thank you again for your comments. :-)
A truly tragic, yet fitting ending. There are so many 'what might have beens' and it took a moment for me to realize what the eagle was a metaphor of. Very enjoyable story.
Response from Sevvy (Author of Don't Stand So Close)
I am so pleased that you understood my metaphor of the eagle and absolutely delighted that you have taken the time and trouble to follow and review this story! It really does mean so much to me - thank you! :-)
Good chapter, and the notes at the end were wonderful and very true.
Response from Sevvy (Author of Don't Stand So Close)
I am so happy that you are still following and enjoying (or at least not too depressed by) this story and thank you so much for commenting on my notes at the end. I just felt I should put them in somehow. Thanks again! :-)
Ouch, what an evil way to end the chapter.
Response from Sevvy (Author of Don't Stand So Close)
Perhaps this story is bringing out my underlying evil tendancies! Sorry about that! But thanks for continuing to read and review! :-)
You did a great job showing us Sarah's nervous state. It gave the chapter a more robust flavor.
Response from Sevvy (Author of Don't Stand So Close)
Thank you again for your review. I'm glad that you felt I had described Sara's nervous state accurately. I know I would have been a bundle of nerves in her position! :-)
Nice start to the story. I'm looking forward to seeing where you will take us.
Response from Sevvy (Author of Don't Stand So Close)
I'm glad that you like the start to this story. Thank you so much for your review! :-)
oh this epilogue.this deepens the absurdness of Saras suicide the more.one could have guessed.he is alive and she is dead.no one understands it and for him she was just a nice talented girl grown up to a woman.aawww.unjust.Why would she not have the patience, courage and power to wait.just a little longer.she had waited for 6 years.Now she can fly above him. maybe to protect him?at least be around, I think.sad sad story.Thank you so much for it.
Response from Sevvy (Author of Don't Stand So Close)
Sara's suicide is not really absurd. As far as she is concerned there was no reason to live. If any one is to blame it is perhaps Dumbledore (or Severus himself) for not telling her immediately the truth of her recruitment and that Severus would be 'faking' his death.But that's just my point: We are all too busy going about our own lifes that we do not always realise another person's perspective on things. And, even after her death, no one has actually managed to put two and two together and realise why she did it.I am so glad that you have taken the trouble to read and review my story - it really means a lot to me. I hope I have not depressed you too much! I can (and do) write other stuff - some of it even happy! - but this was my first and I wanted it to be something completely different! Thank you so much again :-)
Response from salvamea (Reviewer)
delays and wrong decisions. sad sad story, but that is how many things end, no matter where.I found it very refreshing to have this new character in here.And that you showed the human side of Snape. But the ignorant, spy side, that could trust no one, not even the ones he asks for help. I meant absurd like: if she had waited a little more, she soon would have heard all about it, and have seen him again. no need to die. It is not always good to be such an able potions mistress, that can provide herself with poison like that.All those skills thrown away.
I thank you for your explanations at the end of the chapter.But for me they were merely unneccessary.you made Saras feelings and state of mind and emotions and heart very clear and transparent to the reader right from the start.Nothing surprinsing or shocking here when she look inside herself and sees there is nothing to live for anymore.That she is shattered. led an unsatisfactory life, which can not be continued- as she thinks at that point.It is a hard step she takes here. Sad and lonely and without hope and confidence in a future before her, even without the love of her life.But people do get to this point.Why not in fanfiction.
Response from Sevvy (Author of Don't Stand So Close)
You are so right, people most definitely do sometimes (sadly) get to this point. I am trying to be realistic here - her obsession is so strong that she would not be thinking rationally at this point in time. She is so desperate to be near him again. Once again, my thanks go out for so kindly reviewing! :-)
AARRGGHH!! What are you doing!!let him die!this can not be!she has the opportunity of her life and it is soo close now.And him so friendly and kind and everything to her.quick, lets read on
Response from Sevvy (Author of Don't Stand So Close)
I hope I have not shocked you too much by this chapter! Thanks again for the review and for following this story :-)
her dream came true. her dream came true.she took soo much effort to get this moment, to get this chance to meet him. and she lived through it.And he was soo nice to her. Almost human.yes, girl, you will see him again.And he will take a closer look at you, I bet.
Response from Sevvy (Author of Don't Stand So Close)
I think Severus is very 'human' (just unable to show that nice, normal side in canon and in view of the double life he leads.) I think that Sara is probably one of the few people who have actually been able to see this and see through his 'protective armour'.I'm glad that you are following and liking this story. Thanks for the review!
this girl is so interesting!"!you write her story with so much warmth and artless and not artificial. one must like her at once. And her way of describing her true ever lasting feelings for that strangest and purest of all people turns one to her in the most feeling and emphatic ways. one must like her. and wish her luck.lets hear his side of view.
Response from Sevvy (Author of Don't Stand So Close)
Thank you for your kind words! I'm so glad that you like Sara and find her interesting! I hope that you are now inspired to read on with this story.Thanks again for taking the time to review :-)
Dearest sevvy,this was a wonderful little story. It is sad to see that Severus did not get to know the feelings Sara held for him. And still, the end seemed hopeful. It is encouraging to think that those who love us will never truly leave us.Sending you a big hug from Switzerland, for the story and the kind words./M
Response from Sevvy (Author of Don't Stand So Close)
Thank you my dear morgaine. I'm glad you have followed this story right through and felt that it offered hope. That was certainly my intention, along with expressing exactly as you say - those who love us never truly leave us.Hope Switzerland is sunny - say 'Hi' to all your family for me! Thanks again for all your support and loyalty with this story. :-)
That was a very bittersweet ending, and although Sara taking her life was tragic, I got a very real sense of hope from this epilogue. Maybe the spirit of Sara is waiting for him in the afterworld after all?And let me thank you for your sweet comment at the end. If it wasn't for your reviews, I probably would have given up writing a long time ago. And I'm pleased that you finished this piece and decided to post it, I really hope it spurs you on to write more. And I meant what I said last time: do feel free to drop me a line, if you want to :)
Response from Sevvy (Author of Don't Stand So Close)
Thank you
Response from Sevvy (Author of Don't Stand So Close)
. I'm glad you found this story bittersweet rather than intensely sad. It was not my intention to be too depressing!If you read my response to Elizabeth, you will see that I was indeed trying to express that there is 'life after death' in some shape or form. The eagle/wizard thing was a rather clumsy attempt at showing that!It is my intention to get in touch with you soon & I would have done so sooner but things are more than a little crazy here at present; my husband just found out today that he has definitely been made redundant, among other things! Will contact you soon I promise! Thanks again for all your loyal support. :-)
Response from star_girl (Reviewer)
I'm sorry to hear about your hubby. I hope things get better for you both soon. Thinking of you. x
I did have a slight fear that it was all faked. And I was wondering if she should have waited for further proof to kill herself. It's sad that she was so obsessed with the thought of love that she closed herself off to actually getting it in return.It was beautiful. Poor Severus never got to see the side of someone who pined for him. Sad.
Response from Sevvy (Author of Don't Stand So Close)
Thank you for your review and for your support and loyalty in following this story. The point I was trying to make is that obsession - to the extent that Sara had it - is not a good thing. Severus was unaware of her feelings for him but, even if he had been, would almost definitely not have been willing or able to return them. His life went on even after her death - he had greater things to think about.Whilst I wanted the tables to be reversed a bit in this tale by allowing Severus to live (at least for the time being), I wanted to also express the hope that Sara (in whatever realm she then existed) would wait for him. Possibly even knowing that his own death (if canon is to be applied) is imminent. The 'mirrored' image of bird and wizard is my rather complicated and deep way of expressing that! (I have always thought that AR - as Severus - has rather hawk/eagle like features at times!) I really hope that you did not find this too sad. As I said before, rather than creating a depressing tale, it was my intention to be thought provoking and express that death does not have to be the end. Hence she went from 'all encombassing black' (at the beginning of the story) to the 'all encombassing light'. Thanks again for the review :-)
This, too, is a sad chapter, but I am not offended by it at all. I read the warnings before I began reading the first chapter.Your point about the futility of obsession is keenly made, as is the point that the object of one's obsession is rarely aware of it and often does not return the feelings.I'm eagerly awaiting the epilogue to see how this ultimately concludes.Beth
Response from Sevvy (Author of Don't Stand So Close)
It has been lovely this morning to wake up to a flurry of your reviews - you can't believe how grateful I am to you and how much this means to me - thank you for that!I am pleased that my point about the futility of obsession is coming across. I hope you will now feel able to read the final part of this story - it's in the queue and should be on its way soon! Thank you again for all your kind words and for staying loyal to this fic. :-)
Dead? He's dead? Oh my God! I never expected this, especially after their meeting in the corridor when he spoke to her about assisting him with his brewing. How sad!Still, your story is beautifully written! Emotions, as you describe them, ring true and put this reader truly into the midst of the story itself. You've done a great job telling your tale.
Beth
Response from Sevvy (Author of Don't Stand So Close)
Thank you again for the lovely review. I hope it is not making you too sad! I also really hope that you will continue to read and, hopefully, not be too disappointed by the outcome :-)