Only Helps Me Tell You

A/N: I really hope you like this next bit. I ask you to trust me.

~~Hermione~~

The complete happiness and peace that I felt that night didn't last long, at least, not with that sort of intensity. We were much better than before, but still far from perfect. Severus spoke to me; he held a civil tongue with our colleagues and even gave out what was for him a reasonable number of detentions. But he still held something back.

I didn't have much time to ruminate on my husband's mental state. I had now taken over all my classes. With the exception of one hour a day when I took a nap. Dumbledore and Madam Pomfrey together had prevailed. It had taken some manipulations of timetables and a great deal of cooperation from the other members of staff, but they managed to make the arrangements before they told me of the idea.

I was stuck. If I declined, I would be the stubborn, ungrateful bitch that caused everyone such difficulty; if I accepted, I would be admitting that I needed a bit of extra time to recuperate. My sense of decorum waged war with my pride. Decorum won out.

During my 'nap time,' Severus would stop by with an article he thought I might appreciate or a book he didn't think I'd read. We would chat for a few minutes, and then he would kiss me softly before going back to his class.

We took dinner in our rooms two nights a week. Severus said it was to keep our connection alive. Privately, he told me it was to keep the Nosy Parkers out of our private affairs. I looked forward to our evenings. They were surprisingly reminiscent of the time before we'd been married. We talked and laughed. We debated and argued. He even beat me at chess. That told me he believed me to be recovered.

For nearly three months, I felt wonderful. I was busy with classes, and my thoughts were pre-occupied with Severus and our new-old connection. The approaching end of term was also bringing many tasks that I'd not had before.

I had written letters of recommendation to the Ministry for my two most promising students, the Head Boy and Girl to be specific. I'd watched Ava Robinson blossom over the past few years. She reminded me very much of myself. She wanted a career in research. She'd gotten top marks from me and from all her other teachers. It meant more than I can say when she asked me to give her a reference. The other was a young man who'd come to my classes in his fifth year. He was bright and charismatic. The other students followed him like ducklings. Truth be told, he frightened me.

It was silly, but Terrance Rowles reminded me of another Head Boy with the initials T.R.. It was unfair of me to hold such a prejudice. So I treated him the way I had treated the rest of my top students.

I was headed down from my class room to the Great Hall for one of our 'public dinners.' It had been a lovely day. Ava had come to tell me that she'd gotten the position with the Ministry. My sixth-year class had gotten excellent marks on their exams. Severus had sent an owl saying he had a surprise for me after dinner tonight. There was a spring in my step as I passed through the doors of the Hall. I smiled at the sea of young faces that turned to greet me as I made my way up to the top of the Hall.

I'd nearly reached the head table when my stomach gave an odd lurch. I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. I reached up to smooth my hair back from my face, and I was shocked to notice that my forehead was covered in a thin layer of sweat. My hands shook slightly. I must have been hungrier than I thought.

I made it to my seat and began to fill my plate. I was ravenously hungry. Everything looked and smelled wonderful. I had taken several large bites of steak and potato when I noticed an odd smell. I swallowed the enormous amount of food in my mouth and felt my mouth and eyes begin to water. The odour seemed to be getting worse every minute.

I looked around until I found the source of the stench. I held my napkin over my nose, trying in vain to block out the terrible smell. Then I saw it. There on Flitwick's plate was the source of the foul and mysterious odour. Flitwick had a bit of roast chicken on his plate. My eyes locked on the offensive poultry, and I knew I was lost.

I stood, knocking over my chair, and ran for the door of the small chamber just beyond the platform. I burst through and searched frantically for a bucket or even a large vase. I could have just let loose and then Vanished the sick later, but the thought of having to look at it... Well, it wasn't good.

A large vase appeared just in front of me at the last possible second. I heaved into it as the sounds of my retching filled the room. My stomach continued to spasm in the attempt at forcing out its contents until the muscles across my lower back and abdomen ached.

When it was finally over, I sunk to my knees, sweating and trembling. Tears poured from my eyes, and I felt as though I'd never be able to stand again. I was just going to slump to the floor when I felt strong arms close around me.

"Come on, love. Let get you to the Hospital Wing, shall we?" Severus' voice washed over me. I wondered how long he'd been there. As if he could read my mind, Severus Vanished the nearly full container of vomit.

He carried me away through back passage ways so we wouldn't have students gawking at us. He held me tightly against him. I felt as though I'd never been ill. I still felt rather sore and tired, but my stomach had settled itself completely.

We entered the ward, and Poppy directed Severus to set me on a bed just opposite her office.

"As much as I enjoy your company, I'm seeing entirely too much of you, Hermione." Her frown would have frightened a student to death.

I sighed. "I really am feeling better. Most likely it was something I ate. Now that it's out of my system, I should be fine. Surely we can go now?"

She didn't answer me, only continued with her examination of me. So I turned to Severus, seeking an ally.

"Don't look at me, you stubborn little sprite. I quite agree with our esteemed matron." He used his most persuasive tone.

I was just about to tear into him when I was cut off by Madam Pomfrey.

"Hermione!" I was startled by the harsh tone to her normally soft voice. "Did you pay any attention to the instructions I gave you for your recovery period?"

I looked at her, completely puzzled.

Severus looked murderous. "Woman, do you mean to tell me that this is the result of that fucking weed? I swear, I'll destroy every last one, potion ingredients be damned!"

The two of them faced off as they leaned over me. I was thoroughly confused. As I looked from one angry face to the other, I wanted to tell them that I felt fine, but there was no chance.

"It's nothing to do with that," Poppy snapped. "Let me explain."

Severus sneered at her. "You're only protecting Longbottom and his miserable plants."

I cleared my throat. "Poppy, do you know what's wrong? I feel fine, so it can't be much."

At once, her face dropped into a look of concern. "Hermione, I only need to do one more test and then I'll know for sure."

Severus looked as though he'd very much like to tear the old girl limb from limb, but at a look from me, he allowed her to proceed without comment.

Her wand, now smooth and permanently shiny with use, waved over me, and her lips moved quickly with a rapid series of whispered spells. I felt the whirls and pulses of her magic as they rushed over, around and through me. At long last, she quieted. Her eyes were focused in at a spot a few inches above my lower abdomen.

I glanced to Severus. His face held the confusion that must have been mirrored in my own face. We locked eyes for only a moment when we were interrupted from our mind meld by a sudden glow. A glow that was nearly bright enough to have lit the room all on its own.

I tore my eyes from Severus' to see an orb of white light hovering over my body. While we watched, it pulsed three times and then turned a vivid shade of blue. I stared into the azure light until my eyes began to water from the glare.

I looked first to Severus, who looked stunned, and then to Madam Pomfrey, who looked both pleased and a bit apprehensive.

"Wha... what is, rather, what d-does that mean?" I was too puzzled to be ashamed of the tremor in my voice.

"That, my dear, means that the two of you are going to be parents." Madam Pomfrey smiled at the both of us.

~~Severus~~

Being an educated man of a rather superior intellect, I had full comprehension of the matron's words. Yet for some reason, I could not get any further in my thought processes than to repeat the words over and over again, like an echo in a church.

"...parents..."

"...you two..."

"...parents..."

Parents. Parents. Hermione and I are going to be parents. A child, my child, is in her womb right now. She will bear my child.

I am. Going. To. Be. A. Father.

I did the only thing I could think to do at the moment. I smiled weakly at Hermione. "Well, as you're in no imminent danger and I do have quite a lot of marking to get through this evening, I'll go. See you later this evening, my dear."

I stood up and turned away, even as I saw her mouth opening. Whether she wanted to stop me leaving or curse me, I couldn't bear to stay and find out. My brain was in full overload, and I didn't want to sort my thoughts and feelings in front of anyone else.

She did it intentionally. She wanted a child, and her agreeing to wait was only a ruse. This was intentional.

The rational part of my brain told me this was ridiculous, based on the look of horror that had come over her face the moment Poppy had told us what the light meant. It also stood to reason that Hermione was a planner and knew that I hated surprises with every fibre of my being. She would never have put me in this position, never.

She is female. They do this sort of thing all the time. They assure an innocent yet horny man that contraception has already been sorted. Then they stop taking potions or use those blasted "No-Fail, Guaranteed Proposal Hexes" that were advertised in witches' magazines in the late fifties. You've been duped!

No! She didn't want a child right away either. She was far too engrossed in her career to want a child right now anyway.

Right, it doesn't matter. Either way, we're having a child. It's completely immaterial how or why this has happened. What matters is, I've got to find a way to drag my wretched self out of the cesspool that is my normal mental state before I attempt to support my wife through a pregnancy, let alone act as some sort of role model for a child.

Fear overtook me. What if I had to sit through disgusting obstetrical examinations or procedures? What if she sicked-up every time we sat down to eat? What if she decided we could no longer have sex? Or what if she decided that her breasts belonged to the baby, sex would injure the baby, the swallowing of semen would cause improper development of the baby and maternal orgasms would cause irreversible brain damage in the baby?

I was fucked, no pun intended. I had no desire to return to my monastic way of life.

~~Hermione~~

My head felt as though it was spinning, and I couldn't quite breathe. Poppy gave me a sip of water, and I became aware of some rapid movement to my left. Had I not been stunned into a stupor, I barely noticed it. I was too busy trying not to vomit or hyperventilate or both.

I wanted a child, it's true. But I didn't feel ready right now. The worst part was, I didn't feel that I could express my own reservations. I knew for a fact that Severus was not going to be comfortable with this. I would have to do everything in my power to make him feel reassured.

A baby.

Suddenly, I could not move or breathe. Visions of small blankets and stacks of nappies filled my mind. The shrill cries that were filling my imagination were broken occasionally by soft coos and sighs. Little toes, soft, downy hair on a tiny head, big eyes looking back into mine, soft skin and the smell of a freshly bathed baby were intoxicating all my senses.

With eyes filled with happy tears, I shook off my visions and turned to look at my husband. He wasn't leaning over my bed. I looked down and saw that he was no longer on the floor. I scanned the small room and came to the startling conclusion that he was gone.

"He stepped out for a moment, dear. Let's discuss the care you'll need over the next few months, shall we?" Poppy's voice was strained and tense.

I looked at her face and saw that she was trying to conceal her anxieties from me. I was uncomfortable but kept still as I listened to her talk over diet, supplement potions, and the pros and cons of nursing.

I did my best to be attentive and seem interested. But I couldn't help wonder where Severus had gone and when or if he'd come back. I wanted to talk over this with him. I wanted to hear his concerns and hopefully alleviate a few of them.

I was relieved when Poppy finally allowed me to go back to my quarters. I walked through the corridors, thinking of Severus. I was lost in thought when something solid bounced off my chest.

I looked down into a pair of large, brown eyes. "Please excuse me, Professor. My mind must've been off somewhere."

The small boy in front of me broke into a crooked grin. He was short and rather scrawny. At first, his messy black hair reminded me of Harry. As I looked closer, I saw that his dark, messy hair was curly. Not riotous curls, as I had, but slight waves.

I shook myself out of my musings. "Not at all, Mr...?"

The young man opposite me only laughed as he bent to retrieve a heavy book I hadn't noticed before. He straightened up and grinned at up at me once again.

"Watson, Professor. I'm in Gryffindor."

Of course, Minerva had bragged to me that Mr. Emerson Watson of Gryffindor was well on his way to breaking my long-held academic record. Though I'd glimpsed him a time or two, this was my first interaction with him.

Mr. Watson began to tell me about his current research for Transfiguration, work he'd decided to do rather than having been assigned. I listened at first but almost immediately found myself wanting to pull the boy into an embrace or ruffle his hair. I was drawn to this young man, not romantically but affectionately. There would be no way for me to show any physical affection to him without the situation becoming extremely awkward.

He was so familiar but obviously too young to have been in one of my classes. Perhaps he was the son of an acquaintance of mine. I ran through a list of possibilities, barely listening as he spoke.

There was something in the combination of his features and mannerisms that was mesmerizing. I was seized by the sudden, over-whelming compulsion to reach out and stroke his cheek. My hand was actually rising from my side when the phrase "Professor Pervert" ran through my mind. I suddenly snapped back into the conversation and out of my odd preoccupation.

"... with all that, I reckoned it would only make sense if I took as many of the electives as soon as I'm able." He smiled again, and I noticed that his front teeth were prominent, not near what my own had once been, but certainly not unnoticeable.

"If I may, Professor, what electives did you take in the third year? Only I understand you were the brightest student ever to study here, so I'd hoped to take a leaf from your book."

I continued to stare at his thin, narrow face. But my verbal flood gates finally opened. "Yes, of course. I took everything. It turned out to be a mistake. Unless you've no experience in the Muggle world, Muggle Studies is unnecessary. Divination is not required for most career paths, so it isn't of any great benefit either. Arithmancy and Ancient Runes are both required for most advanced studies and many of the more profitable careers. Care of Magical Creatures is interesting, not to mention that Hagrid knows more about magical beasts than anyone else. You should challenge yourself without becoming over-whelmed. I made that mistake myself, and I'll always regret it. It's also important to make friendships and enjoy extra-curricular activities while you're here. Being a well rounded person will aid you in most any career field. I would also advise you to keep yourself healthy, eat your meals and get enough sleep. A little fresh air and exercise never hurt anyone either. Have you thought of being a Prefect? It's an honour as well and looks nice on your CV. If you keep grades up, you ought to be well positioned for a Prefect badge. I enjoyed it myself, and of course it's the first step if you'd like to become Head Boy..."

I realised that I'd been sharing a stream of consciousness with a young man who was now staring at me as though I had grown an extra set of arms out of my head. Even though I was embarrassed, I felt the need to ramble on and on.

Poppy had neglected to mention that pregnancy would make me go mad. I felt as if I had no control over my verbal diarrhoea. While I continued to study his features, I noticed that he was listening politely but looking ever more amused as I prattled on.

He looked amused but slightly embarrassed as he tried to surreptitiously check his watch. "I'm terribly sorry to interrupt, Professor. If I don't get to the library, I won't get to bed before dawn. Have a good evening." He nodded politely and turned to walk away.

I stood staring after him. I was both amazed at my own stupidity and enthralled by how enchanting the boy had been.

Wouldn't it be lovely if my son turned out to be like him?

What in the name of Merlin was wrong with me?

This was shaping up to be an interesting nine months. Perhaps I ought to wear a sandwich board bearing the legend Mad Pregnant Woman on each side. At least that way, I'd be able to hold onto some shred of dignity.

Severus wasn't in our quarters when I arrived. I walked toward his office, thinking he might be up for a talk now. I opened the door quietly to see the Pensieve on the desk. Severus was nowhere to be found.

He was likely reliving his horrid childhood, and I had no desire to be any more intimately acquainted with those memories. I sat in the chair opposite his desk to wait. We needed to talk, and if I avoided him now, it would help nothing.

I'd only been waiting for a few minutes when the strange surface of the Pensieve began to swirl rapidly. A moment later, Severus appeared before me, looking grim and sober.

"Hermione, we need to talk."

~~Severus~~

Reliving my past was nothing that would help the situation, but right now, I needed to keep fresh in my mind the horror that I'd inflicted upon countless students if I was to avoid making such a mess of my relationship with my own son.

I shivered at the word. Son. The thought of my own offspring terrified me more than I could possibly say. But what frightened me most was the thought that the relationship between Hermione and me would change.

I had to make sure that I was on good terms with the boy. That way, his mother would never have to side against me.

And if I were to be completely honest, I was quite jealous of the baby that would have her undivided attention for the first two years of his life. I was pouting like a toddler at the thought of my wife shifting her focus away from me.

I hated myself for not being the supportive husband that my wife so richly deserved. I knew that I should have been concerned for her. She was the one who was about to become a co-owner of her own body. She was the one who would be missing work and radically changing her schedule and habits. It was selfish of me to worry over my own challenges and fears when hers were so much more salient and equally beyond her control.

I had gone to the Pensieve to keep myself focused on the cruel bastard that I could be, that I usually was. If I focused on him, then I would be able to suppress that side of myself for our son.

I smirked to myself as I remembered that my motto had become for her. Now it would change, for him, or more accurately, for them.

While I was in the Pensieve, I'd decided that we had to deal with this head-on. When I emerged and saw her sitting there, I knew the moment had come.

Her eyes met mine as I spoke. I was distracted for the briefest moment by the warmth and light her chocolate eyes held. Every aspect of her, physical, mental and emotional, enthralled me.

I'd once thought that the Dark Lord's torture was the most persuasive power in the universe. I'd been wrong. The curve of her neck as her head bent over a book, the light of discovery that illuminated her face when she'd solved some kind of problem or another, her soft hands as they pushed stray curls away from her profile...all of it fascinated me. She was the drug, and I was the addict.

"Severus, you are scaring me. It's rather rude to tell me that 'we need to talk' and then stand there gaping at me. If it's something bad, lingering like this won't help anything. Please, whatever this is, just out with it." She was frowning and looked both annoyed and on the verge of tears.

She thinks I'm going to leave her or insist she get rid of the thing.

It was time for damage control. "Hermione, I want to apologise to you for walking out on you earlier. I had a great deal to think about, and, I'm ashamed to admit, I was feeling rather overwhelmed..."

She cut me off in a rush. "Severus, please don't think that I did this intentionally. I was keen on waiting too. Poppy evidently went over all the side effects my treatments would have at a time when I was only partly conscious. Also, we were apart for so long, and then when we finally... finally did, er, get together, well, I had other things on my mind. I'm sorry... I'm so sorry that this is unexpected. I'm scared of what this will do to us and also of all that this will change. But at the same time, I'm thrilled. I carry a life inside me, a life that we created. I love this child already because it is the pure combination of the two of us."

Her eyes pleaded with mine, and I could only lean toward her to brush my lips softly against her own. I took her hand in mine and tried to remember what I'd been getting at when she began purging her soul.

"Hermione, don't. I love you. I will love our child to the best of my ability. But I need you to understand that this is something that is not going to come naturally for me. I have spent the better part of my life in a constant attempt to repel children. I'm a bit unsure as to how to change that.

"Please listen. I am frightened also. I'm not sure I'm ready to share you, even if it is with my child. I am afraid that we will lose or at the very least weaken the connection we've been trying to re-build over the last several weeks. I am frightened of taking on a task that will require a lifetime of patience, understanding, and self-sacrifice on my part."

At this, I placed my palms on either side of her face before I continued. "I love you, and I can swear that I will do my best. What I cannot promise is that my best will be good enough."

She wrapped her arms around me, pulling our bodies against one another. I loved her more than I could say in that moment. I sighed in contentment. She understood my fears and wasn't running away. My arms slid around her to pull her more firmly against my chest.

Her breath tickled my neck. "Severus, it will be alright. You can do this."

I hope that this will not prove to be one of the only times you've ever been wrong, my love.

A/N: I hope you liked it. I'm sorry that there wasn't any action in this one, hopefully you found some of it funny.