Magic for Modern Lovers

Disclaimer: Q: Who owns this stuff? A: JKR!

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The next morning when Hermione left the breakfast table for the library, Lavender unwound her arm from Ron's waist and followed her out of the Great Hall.

'Hermione, thanks for talking to me last night. It's just kind of hard to know where I am with Ron. I want us to be somewhere good, but then there's you. You make me feel really insecure. You're brilliant and pretty and a prefect and Ron's best friend. He loves you, I know. I just want him to love me, too, and, well, not as a friend. He clams up when I try to talk to him about it, so I thought I'd try a different approach. Sorry if I was a little rude and nosy.' Lavender's blue eyes smiled into Hermione's brown ones.

Hermione gaped at Lavender. That was the most honest, no-nonsense speech she'd ever heard from Lavender Brown. 'N-no problem, Lavender. Yes, awkward. But glad I could help.'

'Anyway,' said Lavender. 'I got to thinking last night that maybe you'd like to borrow this.' She held out a chunky, oversized book covered in squashy pink leather with white letters tooled onto the front:

Magic for Modern Lovers

Dr Alixter Joy

A book of sex spells.

Hermione gaped again and glanced quickly around for teachers. 'Lavender, where did you get this book? Love spells are forbidden! That part of the library is so highly restricted that I think only Dumbledore can get in there. Seriously, not even Madam Pince.'

Lavender rolled her eyes, 'Oh Hermione, it's not from the Hogwarts library. It belongs to a friend; I'm borrowing it from her for a couple of weeks. You know, since Ron and I are so new, I thought we'd start things off with a bang.'

Hermione threw up her hands in the universal sign for 'Stop Now.'

Lavender giggled. 'Sorry! Anyway, do you know Romilda? Her mum is a charm breaker specializing in love spells, and Romilda says she has an amaaaazing library.'

Lavender got a faraway, hungry look as she said it, and Hermione had to struggle for a moment to keep from laughing at the spectacle of Lavender Brown coveting books.

'Mostly locked up, of course, but Romilda found this one in the garret. Apparently it was very popular in the seventies...everyone's parents have a copy stashed around somewhere. It's everyday stuff, really, nothing at all dangerous or Dark,' she said breezily. 'Just enhancements. And consensual things. Both people have to cast the spell together for most of these to work. And, thank the gods, Dr Joy has modernized the language so it's not all 'Whenne a wytche and a wyzzard do planne to mete abedde,' you know? Look.'

Lavender opened the book randomly. 'Pulso Corium: A Suite of Spells for Spanking,' the type proclaimed above a line drawing of a witch holding what looked like a handful of limp spaghetti noodles over the bare bottom of a wizard (or was he a werewolf? so hairy!) spread-eagled on a rumpled bed. As Lavender and Hermione watched, the witch brought her hand down so that the noodles smacked into her wizard friend's backside. The tiny wizard made a grunting sound and squeaked, 'Again, mistress.'

Hermione stared, open-mouthed, as the little couple repeated the flogging vignette.

Lavender giggled again. 'Some of it is pretty kinky. But there's plenty that's sweet and romantic, or plain vanilla. Lots of stuff you can do all on your own. Something for everyone,' she said cheerily. 'Why don't you borrow it overnight, Hermione? See if there's anything in here that will be good for, ah, business.' She closed the fat pink book and placed it in Hermione's nerveless hands before sauntering back towards the Gryffindor table and Ron.

Hermione stuffed the book into her bag and strode off towards the library.

When the hell had Lavender Brown become Hogwarts' resident sex therapist? Sometime during the years Harry and Ron and I have been trying to stay a half-step ahead of torture, chaos, and violent death, she answered herself wearily, feeling rather old.

The library was not the place to get acquainted with Dr Joy, nor was there an opportunity during the rest of the day, though she carried the book around to lessons and meals. Whenever she opened her book bag, Hermione heard Magic for Modern Lovers give off a little exhalation of warm air, like a contented sigh, and caught a whiff of something... was that patchouli? She would probably have to spell her bag to get rid of that smell.

After an hour or two in the common room that evening, Hermione wished Ron and Harry good night. 'I'm going to go work upstairs. It looks like all the roommates are down here, and I'd like to take the chance of some time for myself.'

To bed with you, Alixter Joy, thought Hermione as she crawled onto her four-poster with her wand and the pink book, which was now noticeably warm and was making a low humming sound. She closed the curtains, murmured 'Lumos,' and opened Magic for Modern Lovers.

The book had no logical organizational scheme that she could discover. Dr. Joy's brief introduction assured her that this was deliberate: 'Variety is the spice of life for today's groovy witches and wizards. This book is bursting with sweet nibbles and salty snacks as well as full-course feasts for solos, duos, and groups of really good friends. Just take your wand in hand and dip in!'

Seriously? thought Hermione irritably. That is naff. No wonder this thing was sitting in the Vanes' attic gathering dust. She began flipping through the pages, lingering occasionally over one of the line drawings, most of which starred the same rather elegant witch and hairy wizard, though occasionally a blond witch and wizard showed up in supporting roles.

She began to see some themes running through the collection of spells. For example, the book was scattered with 'mood setting' spells, many of which Hermione recognized from other contexts...candle magic, the fountain of wine.

She wondered how many everyday, seemingly innocent spells could be used in a sexual context. Oh great, she groaned inwardly. That's just what I need, to start thinking of EVERYTHING in terms of sex.

There were dozens of erotically tinged Engorgio spells, of course, with accompanying countercharms to use when the fun of having, say, enormous breasts, wore off and the backache part was setting in. Convenio spells, all illustrated, seemed to cover every possible mode of physical coupling and some that Hermione could have sworn would be impossible.

After about twenty minutes, Hermione grew tired of browsing aimlessly through Dr Joy's cheery, dated dicta. Does this thing even have an index? She flipped to the back. Nope. Not groovy enough, I guess, she thought as she tapped the book with her wand and murmured 'Revelio Indexium.' A piece of parchment appeared on the bed next to her, printed minutely in the same font as Magic for Modern Lovers.

Where to start, though? What do I actually want to find?

She pondered for a long minute, staring unseeing into the upper corner of the bed canopy, where a small spider was poised perfectly still in the middle of its web.

I want to know more. More about Snape...about Severus. I just, I want more of him.

That seemed a hopelessly vague notion...and also an impossible boon to ask of the universe itself, much less of Dr Alixter Joy and his great pervy book. Knowing Severus Snape more would have to involve his participation, and he was, to her knowledge, locked up tighter than Azkaban. Also my teacher and a complete bastard, she reminded herself.

So the search would probably yield nothing usable. No problem. The search for knowledge is never in vain, she thought wryly.

Perhaps... Disco. Spells of Discovery. She found the heading and ran her finger down the list of spells, flipping to a few of the pages. Tantric spells, mostly, very hippie-ish.

One or two Disco spells seemed like they would be better off in a book called Magic for Jealous Lovers...the magical equivalent of going through your husband's pockets. She tsked quietly. If she were this book's editor, spells like this would be right out. Serious downer. Not groovy.

Percipio, then. Spells of Knowledge and Perception. Again she traced down the list and stopped at Percipio Corium. To know the skin? No Annuo in the title to indicate the spell was for consenting couples, no Solus to indicate it was a spell to be performed on oneself. A typo?

She riffled to page 438 in Magic for Modern Lovers and found it. Percipio Corium, full stop. No typo, apparently. A spell to know the beloved's skin, involving both a potion and an incantation.

She read through the description of the spell's casting and effects, ears buzzing and heart thumping. This was it. A way for her to have more of what she craved. It did seem to nudge past an ethical line, though, a bit. Shouldn't this sort of thing be consensual?

Dead easy though, if she was reading it correctly, except for one of the potion ingredients. But if she could steal Boomslang skin from Snape's locked stores as a second year, cadging this ingredient would be a piece of cake.

She hesitated just a moment, then Summoned a Copying Quill and a fresh sheet of parchment. She touched the quill to the words Percipio Corium on page 438 of the book and then to the parchment, muttering the incantation.

When Percipio Corium was copied out neatly, Hermione rolled the parchment up with a slightly trembling hand and sealed it with a touch of her wand. She was pretty sure she would never dare use this. A sex spell might not be Dark or even dangerous in an ordinary sense of the word, but she had read enough to know that even the most seemingly innocuous ones could have serious and unintended consequences.

She tucked the rolled parchment in the very bottom of her trunk and began to get ready for bed.

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'Thanks for the loan, Lavender. It was, erm, seriously instructive.' Hermione placed the book on Lavender's table just as the other girl walked in from the bathroom, toweling her hair. Hermione was already dressed and ready to head down to the Great Hall for breakfast.

'Isn't it though?' Lavender enthused. 'Isn't it great? Ron won't try any of the Convenios with me yet, but I'll tell you he sure loves it when I do Engorgio...'

'Oi, Lavender!' Hermione yelped. 'Too, too, too much information.'

She tried to close her mind to any scenario that involved Ron, Lavender, and Dr. Alixter Joy, but felt a rush of amused pity for Ron. He hadn't a prayer. She felt a little wistful envy, too. At least he had a shot at trying out some of the Annuos in Magic for Modern Lovers.

'Sorry! Did you find anything useful?' Lavender waggled her eyebrows up and down in a stagy leer.

'Maybe,' Hermione smiled briefly. 'It's a little hard to know what the most useful thing would be in my situation. But it was fun to read.'

'You should know I'm giving it back to Romilda in a few days. If you want to look at it again, I'm sure she'll lend it to you. I'll let her know that you can be trusted with this kind of thing and won't rat on her.'

'Oh,' said Hermione hastily. 'Please don't. You don't have to tell her I read it, do you? I'd like to keep all this private if possible.' She flashed what she hoped was a warm and confidential smile at Lavender.

Please, please, don't let Lavender decide to start blabbing that little Miss Perfect Prefect has a pathetic crush on someone she can't have, likes to read cheesy sex manuals, and has a nightly date with her own hand.

Illustration by QalaChaki.

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A/N: Q: Do I love and appreciate greenstuff and lifeasanamazon for their steadfast help and support?

A: I do.

This chapter and the preceding one were originally published as a one-shot on AFF and OWL entitled 'Magic for Modern Lovers.'

To see a larger version of the fabulous illustration by QalaChaki, check out her DA page at: http://qalachaki.deviantart.com/gallery/#/d2b1mhe.