Muggle Machines

Dislaimer:

J. K. R. owns it all!

Author's Note:

(Edited November 4, 2008)

The Potter Place Anything Goes Challenge is over, and I can now recognize my amazing beta team.

Thanks to my wonderful betas, Sempra and Chivalric, for all their help. Without them the plot would be heading nowhere, limping along with too many commas!

Thanks to my special guest beta, Beaweasley2, who gave me the idea to use the Muggle Machines in this story.

The prompt follows the chapter.

Chapter 4

Muggle Machines

The following Wednesday morning, Severus received one piece of mail that very much piqued his interest. The sealing wax was impressed with a quartered coat of arms that Severus recognized as almost identical to the one used by one of his students, Elizabeth Finch-Fletchley. The letter was from Sir Thomas's heir, Justin Finch-Fletchley, idiot and future Baronet.

Hermione and Ginny are coming over to my home on Saturday at noon to plot revenge (and eat lunch). I hope you will consent to be part of the group.

Severus had been surprised enough the day before to receive Miss Granger's note thanking him yet again and informing him that Justin Finch-Fletchley was no longer on the 'list'. At the time, he had imagined, in a few more days, all the desire for revenge would have deserted the notoriously soft-hearted Gryffindor. Now he was led to hope that there was more to the child than courage and kindness. A bit of revenge would enliven his spring.

It might interest you to see Muggle computers, the letter continued. Severus felt offended that a young twit who would make such a stupid bet assumed that he, Severus Snape, who had lived through the war by his wits and knowledge, was ignorant of Muggle culture.

I am on the Floo System under the name Finch's Nest. If you wish to Apparate, I have enclosed instructions to the best Apparation point, a private garden behind my home. You can also ask my sister for instructions, as I Side-Along Apparate her quite frequently to the village.

Justin's younger sister was now a cheerful fifth-year at Hogwarts. Minerva said Miss Finch-Fletchley was a ray of sunshine amongst the Muggle-borns. The Muggle-borns fortunate enough not to have been put in prison or a camp were so much less haunted-looking than the ones old enough to recall. Elizabeth Finch-Fletchley, as a Muggle-born already down for Hogwarts, had been marked for imprisonment. Her parents had sent her to live with a sympathetic Wizarding family in the United States.

The Headmaster turned back to his letter.

I planned this for the 8th because next weekend is a Hogsmeade weekend, and you might be busier than usual. Also, if the ladies are planning to do anything to Harry and Ron on their honeymoons, they'd better hurry!

Justin Finch-Fletchley

Severus almost smiled at the thought of some sort of revenge on Potter and Weasley. He glanced over at Neville, fully intending to bring the lad along if Finch-Fletchley hadn't seen fit to invite him. Neville was already looking at Severus and held up his own letter with a huge grin. Severus nodded slowly, allowing himself a wry half-smile for a second as he gazed into Neville's guileless eyes.

"Minerva, would it inconvenience you if I left the castle around noon on Saturday?" he asked the lady who had sat next to him for so many years.

"Not in the least! Glad to see you getting out, Severus. You spend what little free time you have working on your experiments. You need a life, Severus. And a nice lady-friend wouldn't be amiss."

"Yes, Mother," he said with sarcasm that Minerva recognized (through years of practice) as good-natured and affectionate. Severus smirked, knowing she was curious to know who had invited him to lunch. He wondered how long it would take her to ask.

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Finch's Nest was a large, picture-postcard, English country cottage with a thatched roof and tiny-paned windows of old, wavy glass. The front garden was beautifully landscaped and had flowers that would not be blooming elsewhere in the village for two or three weeks. The cottage had been extended more than once, but the overall effect of the mixture of styles was charming. At least so Misses Granger and Weasley appeared to think. They were getting the tour of the grounds with Neville (who was delighted with the plantings) when Severus let himself out of the walled garden at the back of the handsome domicile.

Severus stood watching the foursome as young Finch-Fletchley led the others around, pointing out interesting plants to Neville, and offering to have some cuttings of a flower Miss Weasley admired sent to the Burrow.

I suppose he's wondering if Miss Granger likes the place, Severus thought. Miss Granger seemed to like the place very much, indeed, if her expression was any guide.

Once she went so far as to begin to praise the beauty of the house and gardens and then suddenly blushed and abruptly ended with, "Yes, very nice."

Severus was amused at Miss Granger realizing that praising the home of the man who wished to marry her might be taken wrongly.

"Ah, here is the Headmaster, just come from the Apparation garden!" Justin said. "I am honoured, sir." He gave his best dancing-class bow.

Severus noted that Young Finch-Fetchley did not know the finer points of Wizarding etiquette as practiced by families like the Malfoys, but by using his own best guess, he did well enough, and he did it without embarrassment. That was the important part; he had the self-confidence of his class. His manners, if not what would be expected of a Malfoy or a Black, were good enough. They were different, but they were acceptable, mostly because Justin was confident in himself.

Severus nodded his head rather formally, as though Justin were still a student.

"I found if difficult to resist so interesting an invitation," he said.

"A little revenge will set me up," Ginny said lightly. "Do you feel the same, Professor?"

"Tom Riddle is dead, Miss Weasley," Severus answered, "but I am at your service in this endeavour."

The tinkle of a handbell calling them to lunch interrupted the young people's laughter.

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The inside of the cottage was as lovely as the outside. It was old and spacious, really almost a manor house. If this was where the son-and-heir lived, Severus wondered what the family home of Sir Thomas was like.

Both servants served a delicious lunch (and gaped a little at the assembled guests). They had read about these people in the Daily Prophet. The frequent entrance of one or the other of Justin's servants kept them from discussing revenge, thus the conversation was general and rather pleasant. Each of them talked about his job, and they were able to become a bit better acquainted.

Hermione had been made a member of the Wizengamot, as well as working for the Department of Mysteries. She kept her ears open, though, for any sort of misuse of non-humans, Muggles, and Squibs. Ginny, of course, was a Seeker for the Chudley Cannons. Justin worked in the Muggle Prime Minister's office; the Prime Minister was the only one who knew Justin was a Wizard. He was considered a likely up-and-comer.

Severus watched Hermione and recalled Minerva's comment about a lady friend. Hermione Granger would be someone who was his intellectual equal, although she was shockingly young. She was undeniably good, and she could be amusing, too. She was telling some humourous stories about her work. It was even funny when she ventured too close to secret information, triggering the Unspeakable charm. Suddenly she was unable even to mouth words and could only make unintelligible noises for several seconds. The rest of the young people were laughing uproariously.

Don't be a fool, Severus Snape, he thought. She's young enough to be your daughter and has younger men practically fighting over her. Richer men than you, too, and far better-looking. She'd never give you a thought. And she was a student of yours. Look here, you're surround by children!

Just then Hermione looked up from her plate and caught his eye.

"Professor Snape, do tell us another funny story about Professor Slughorn," she asked so sweetly he almost wondered if she was flirting.

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Justin had arranged for his housekeeper and maid to go to the village for the afternoon and leave the cleaning-up for later. Neville saw him slip some Muggle money to each of the women as they left. Then Justin conducted his guests to a pleasant parlour with a lovely view of the wide lawn.

"When any of you get thirsty or hungry, Miss Upton has left plenty of snacks and drinks for us. Just help yourself in the kitchen," Justin said. "Now pray sit down and we can discuss revenge."

The guests were all a little relieved that Justin's housekeeper and maid had left. It was slightly unnerving to be gaped at as celebrities and war heroes by the two as they served lunch (not that they hadn't all had a great deal of attention paid to them for just that reason).

"I thought of something," began Severus, when it appeared no one else would speak first. "It is very mild, but it might serve for partial revenge on Potter and Weasley."

"Oh, tell us!" Hermione cried, bouncing a little in excitement. "I've thought and thought, but can't come up with a single vengeful idea!"

"I am not at all surprised at that," said Severus.

Hermione looked hurt. "I'm not stupid, you know!" she blurted out.

"No, Miss Granger," Severus said solemnly, "and what I said was in no way meant to insult you. You are not capable of vengeful thoughts; that is nothing to be ashamed of."

"Now, Professor Longbottom here has concocted a Healing potion that they use at St. Mungo's," he continued. "It is very mild and safe and has no dangerous side-effects." Neville started laughing.

"If we could convince Potter's house-elf that Potter and Weasley would feel hurt if no one played a prank on them on their honeymoon, we could get him to Apparate to Trinidad (or wherever they are) and place some of this in the taps in their hotel rooms: shower head, bath tap, and sink taps. When they touch the water, the only thing that will happen is that any cuts or bruises will heal." Severus gave the group a wry half-smile.

"Oh, and they will turn blue in about a quarter of an hour," he concluded dryly.

Neville had been trying to suppress his laugher, but now he didn't have to, the others joined in loudly.

"That's a brilliant idea, Professor Snape," Ginny said. "I want Harry to be blue. How long will it be before he changes back?"

"The effect generally lasts about a fortnight," Severus said, pleased at the response his idea received. "The entire skin turns blue, not just the area touched."

"I'm sick of the smarmy newspaper accounts of Ron and Harry and their honeymoon," Hermione said. The others nodded. Every day the Daily Prophet ran a picture of Harry and Ron and their wives, swimming or sailing or building a replica of Hogwarts in wet sand.

"I have to admit that sand castle was brill, though," Neville said. Ginny glared at him. "But it is terrible the way the press won't leave them alone," he added hurriedly.

"Well, the press will have a field day if they are blue!" Hermione pointed out. "I want to see those colour photos in the Prophet!"

Even Severus allowed himself a little smile as the others laughed unrestrainedly. Then a silence settled over the room.

"What about the hotel maids?" Neville objected. "They might come in to clean and run the water."

"I thought of that, too." Severus replied. "Kreacher will be told to stay in the room and warn away the hotel maids. We couldn't do that if it were not at a Wizarding resort. But they will hardly be surprised to see Kreacher there delivering a gift from a well-wisher."

"Merlin! No! We get loads of them every day at the house!" Ginny said.

"Yeah, I need to get a new place," Hermione said. "I'm sick of living at Harry's. Ginny, will you get a flat with me? We could make even a cheap Muggle flat nice with magic."

Justin almost said something but stopped himself.

"Sure, but we came here to talk about revenge!" Ginny stated. "And I want to get even with Malfoy. Simply turning him blue isn't enough."

Hermione shrugged; on this subject she knew nothing. Neville shook his head. He had the odd dangerous-but-not-deadly plant that could be sent as a gift, but didn't think Ginny would think them enough of a nuisance.

Severus had potions and poisons. "If someone were to sneak into my unlocked potions store room," he ventured, "and steal some Veritaserum, I would not have the slightest idea who had done it."

"That's a great idea," Hermione said. "If we only knew what information we wanted to get out of Malfoy. But I don't think Ginny wants to land him in jail – again."

Another silence settled over the room and Justin smiled boyishly.

"The reason I asked you here," he said, "is because when I want to play a joke on my cousins, I find great revenge ideas on the Internet."

"The Internet?" Ginny asked. "How can a bunch of Muggle academic articles and news stories help you find revenge ideas?"

"Of course!" Severus said with a knowing look.

Hermione stared at Justin with dawning appreciation on her face.

"Google!" she and Justin said simultaneously, and they both laughed merrily.

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Justin had set up his large parlour with three computers on desks. "Normally one is in my den upstairs, and these others belong to Miss Richards and Miss Upton, but they have kindly allowed me to borrow them," he said.

"Now I'll just turn them on. The house has wireless internet, although sometimes magic use disrupts it."

"This is like that telly-vision!" said Neville as the computer screens lit up.

"Not quite," said Hermione, seating herself at the second computer. "We go to the Google page and type in 'revenge ideas' and hit 'search.' See, Ginny, I move the mouse here in my hand, and the cursor moves on the screen. I put it over the word search and click the button on the mouse."

"Oh, look, it changed!" Ginny cried.

"Let's click the first one on the list to see what it is," Hermione said. "Voodoo spells, voodoo dolls, revenge and retribution spells, love spells."

"Are witches advertising on this Muggle thing?" Neville asked.

"No, these are Muggles who claim they have magic," Hermione said. "Let me try the next one."

"Oh, this is a business," she said. "'Buy the best revenge gifts for your enemies. They can be sent anonymously from our secret warehouses.'"

"Skulls, dead bugs, oh!" Hermione was amazed and the others fascinated. "Crushed beer cans, cigarette butts, all boxed and gift wrapped. Dear God!" All the others had come over to see this bizarre website.

"Oh, my! It gets worse!" Hermione cried. "It's dog do, cow pat. You can send them road kill. Oh! This is horrible. Road kill? They actually send dead animals?" Hermione closed the window.

"Look, Miss Weasley," Severus said. He had returned to the third computer. "I have found a webpage you might be interested in, How to get even with your ex."

Ginny ran over to lean on Severus's shoulder. He took the chance to speak privately to her.

"Miss Weasley, I will be happy to give Professor Longbottom extra time off if you need him for your endeavors. But it should not become public knowledge," he whispered.

"It won't, Headmaster," she said earnestly.

"Look," he continued in a normal volume, "there are two sides, if you love him, and if you hate him."

"I hate him!" Ginny cried, and Severus clicked that side of the page.

"It changed again!" she marveled. "Oh, let's see!"

"Ruin his wedding," she read, "too late. Make him lose his job,... no, I really don't want to do that. Underwear and condom revenge, – what's condom?"

"I'll explain later," Hermione said, coming over to hang over Severus's other shoulder.

This was really something he could get used to, attractive, intelligent women – women, not students – hanging on him, not because he was a 'hero', but in a natural, friendly manner, the way he'd seen them lean on other male friends.

"Besides, Kreacher would never let us tamper with Harry's underwear," Hermione said.

"Get him arrested," Ginny continued to read, "uh, no. I don't want to go that far. Fake Pregnancy revenge." Ginny and Hermione both began laughing uproariously.

"They'd just die!" Hermione said.

"But if it hit the papers," Severus cautioned. "Would you want that?"

Ginny sobered instantly at the thought of the press.

"Even if we said we weren't pregnant and proved it, people would always whisper that we'd been pregnant and had taken a potion or something," she said. "You're right, Professor."

"Let's try the other side, if you love him," Hermione said.

Severus went to that page, and Hermione leaned over his shoulder to read.

"Oh, this is all ideas to help you get him back," Hermione said in disappointment. "We can't get them back. We wouldn't want that. They'd be miserable, and their wives – it's not their fault at all. If I was going to fall in love with the person I was looking at in 30 seconds and it was McNair or Ron, of course I'd look at Ron." She turned and hugged Ginny. "Sucks to be us, doesn't it?"

"Maybe we could use that spell ourselves," Ginny said. "And have some blokes madly in love with us, and we'd fall in love with them, and it'd all be wonderful."

Justin looked hopefully at Hermione. "I'm available, and I'd be happy to help out," he said. "At your service, Hermione."

Hermione rolled her eyes but wasn't really offended, thinking, It's nice to know someone wants to marry you, even if he isn't in love with you.

"It is a highly illegal spell, Miss Weasley," said Severus. "It is not an Unforgivable because it causes the object of affection to fall in love in return, with the first kiss. So the couples are at least happy. But it's been illegal all over the Wizarding world for decades, and in Britain since sometime in the 18th century."

"Actually, in 18th Century England," volunteered Hermione, "there was a sixteen-year period when it was legal to use this spell on your son or adopted son, against his will – but not a daughter or any female unless she agreed to it. And in Scotland it was outlawed entirely in 1692."

"Here's something," Justin said from the computer he was looking at with Neville. "They say to put a sign on the person's car saying it is for sale for 50 dollars."

"You know – their automobile. And fifty dollars is dead cheap in America. And it says to say on the sign, 'I'll be up all night, knock.' And someone will knock on his door at 2 a.m. or so."

Ginny ran over to lean over Neville's shoulder towards the screen.

"We could put a sign on Michael Corner's shop, on the door or window, advertizing something dirt cheap. And when people go in and demand it, he'd get upset," she said excitedly.

Hermione began to feel her better nature asserting itself.

Revenge wasn't right. It was wrong. It was petty. It was immoral. It was...

"Bloody brilliant!" shouted Ginny, who had been reading the web page. "Listen to what this bloke did!"

Ginny read the description of a prank one person had pulled on an enemy of his.

"I wouldn't do that to Harry," Ginny admitted wistfully.

"Nor to Ron," agreed Hermione. There was a moment of silence as they looked at each other.

"Malfoy!" they said together.

Justin and Neville howled with laughter. Even Severus graced the girls with an evil-looking grin. Each of the three men was grateful that he wasn't on the other side of this war.

to be continued

Potter Place Anything Goes Challenge

Prompt # 2

For whatever reason, Harry has married someone other than Ginny. Ron has told Hermione that he needs a break. Both Ginny and Hermione vow never to fall in love again. What would happen if bets were placed that (whoever was betting) could make a woman fall in love with and agree to marry him in a certain amount of time? What happens when the girls find out it was only a bet?