Matchmaker Chapter 2: I Hate Men

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I Hate Men

Matchmaker

Chapter 2 of 8

pookah

Hermione and Ginny are prostrate with grief. They receive callers.

Humor Epilogue What Epilogue? Potter Place's Anything Goes Challenge 24,867 Words 8 Chapters WIP

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Author's Note:

(Edited November 4, 2008)

The Potter Place Anything Goes Challenge is over, and I can now thank my amazing beta team, Sempra and Chivalric, and special guest beta, Beaweasley2.

Thank you, Sempra! You suggest ideas & improvements, fix my commas, point out egregious errors, and brit pick. And you do it all impossibly quickly.

Thank you, Chivalric! You helped me plot this thing and continue to help when I run dry on ideas.

Thank you, Beaweasley2, my special guest beta, who set this in motion with an idea you casually mentioned in an encouraging e-mail!

This story would not exist without all three of you!

Disclaimers:

Words to "I Hate Men" from Kiss Me Kate by Cole Porter. No profit is made from it, and no claim to owning the song is made.

All characters belong to J. K. Rowling, and no money is being made by this fan-fiction.

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Chapter 2

I Hate Men

When Professors Snape and Longbottom arrived at Grimmauld Place, they knocked several times before venturing to open the door, which they found unlocked. Some music was playing in the basement, and Mrs. Black was cowering in her frame. The reason became obvious when from the kitchen came the sounds of dishes breaking on the flagstone floor. Severus wondered whether they were the good china or the everyday stoneware.

"Thank Morgan, it's the Longbottom boy!" Mrs. Black's portrait cried (addressing the pureblood, of course). "They've gone mad! Please pull my curtains!" Neville and Severus exchanged looks of surprise.

"With pleasure, madam," Neville said as he pulled the curtains. In the kitchen muffled singing started, punctuated by more crashing and banging.

Kreacher slipped out of the parlor and bowed low. "Oh, Friend of Master Regulus, Friend of Harry Potter, the young ladies is prostrate with grief and breaking up the place."

From the basement came the unmistakable sound of something being thrown through the kitchen window.

"We will try to calm them, Kreacher," Severus said.

As the two men descended the stairs, the singing became clearer:

I hate men!

It sounded as if a chair (or two) were being smashed on the stone floor.

They should be kept like piggies in a pen.

You may be wooed by Jack the Tar, so charming & so chipper,

But if you're wooed by Jack the Tar, be sure that you're the skipper.

For Jack the Tar can go too far. Remember Jack the Ripper?

Oh, I hate men!

The sound of what had to be the antique Welsh dresser (and its compliment of crystal goblets and china plates) hitting the floor answered the stoneware/china question. China sounded like this, the other crash had been the stoneware.

Standing outside the kitchen door, Severus and Neville looked at each other with just a little trepidation.

"Inebriated, do you think, Longbottom?"

"No, sir, just angry. Ginny can't sing that well when she's drunk."

"We have faced the Dark Lord, Neville; we can face two angry women."

"Yes, sir! Especially since they are not angry at us!" Neville grinned, and Severus allowed himself to return a wry smile before they entered the lionesses' den.

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"What makes us both just furious," Hermione said after the ladies had accepted Calming Draughts from Severus, removed to the parlor, and allowed Kreacher to begin fixing the broken crockery and furniture, "is that they didn't come to us honestly! Ron..."

"And Harry!" Ginny interjected.

"And Harry," Hermione agreed, "ought to have come to us and explained it all rationally."

"Neither of us is stupid enough to marry a man who'll obsessively love another woman for the next ten years!" Ginny raved. "But they could have asked us! They should have told us what happened. Some Gryffindors they are!"

"Imagine!" Hermione continued indignantly. "Kingsley came to tell us."

"And my parents, who'd just been to Ron's and Harry's instant double wedding," Ginny added.

"Oh, but the boys sent flowers!" Hermione said scathingly, pointing to two vases of prematurely withered blooms on the parlor mantle. Neville winced a little at the desiccated husks of what he knew had been rare and lovely blossoms.

"If it's any consolation..." Severus began. Although quiet, his voice seemed to cut through the room and demand attention. "I looked at LeStrange's notes on the spell, and I understand that there is a certain um urgency for victims of the spell to consummate the relationship. In the Middle Ages, this spell was used on married couples after the wedding contract had been signed."

Severus watched Neville watching Ginny. The lad had probably been in love with the redheaded spitfire for years. In her anger she reminded Severus of her sixth year at Hogwarts while he had been ostensibly serving the Dark Lord. Ginny and Neville had been a formidable team, leading the student rebellion brilliantly. Neville had had a chance, then, to woo her, but had not tried, Severus assumed, because he would not attempt to 'take Harry's girl.'

"Oh! So Harry can take me to bed," Ginny fumed, "but this American is too good for that. She's got to be married first! But that bastard can shack up with me in this mausoleum for years!"

Actually, for most of the year, Ginny spent most of her time traveling with her Quidditch team. She lived at Grimmauld Place only a few days a fortnight and still kept a nominal home with her parents. But no one felt inclined to point that out just then.

Severus noticed Hermione seemed to be reacting to the dose of Calming Draught he'd offered. Ginny was a good bit taller and more muscular than Hermione, but she ought to be succumbing in a few minutes as well.

"Pushing back the date!" Ginny fumed, not yet calmed by the potion Severus had had the foresight to bring along. "We've been engaged four years! If he hadn't put off the wedding, we'd be married now! I bet he never really wanted to marry me in the first place!"

Hermione sat quietly, feeling the Calming Draught take effect. I wonder if the love potion will make Ron a better lover to that Miss Jones than he was to me, she mused bitterly. Or if she'll simply think he is.

Kreacher crept in with a tea tray.

"Chamomile, I hope," Severus whispered to the house-elf.

"Kreacher's most soothing blend, sir," he replied.

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Professors Snape and Longbottom sat quietly in the parlour, sipping their tea. Misses Granger and Weasley sat together at a small table, gazing into the Pensieve.

"They are physically here, but they see and hear what I saw and heard, and they can, in their minds, move about the ballroom to some extent," Severus had explained to Neville, who had never seen a Pensieve memory before.

"It shouldn't be long..." Neville began when the ladies had been looking into the magical bowl for a few minutes.

"Eeewww!" screamed Ginny, suddenly jerking to life. "That's so disgusting!" She began to stagger around the room, ranting. Hermione sat stunned by the Pensieve, staring silently at Neville and Professor Snape.

"He would marry you," Ginny shrieked to Hermione, "but he knows you'd never have him, so he thinks he can impress me with his money. He thinks he can buy me! And I'm only his second choice, too!"

Severus almost laughed out loud at Ginny, but stopped himself when he saw Neville's outraged face. He contented himself with exchanging an amused look with Miss Granger.

"Malfoy is scum, Ginny!" Neville said angrily. "I'm not normally one to be telling tales out of school, but you had to know what he was planning."

"Well, I hope you're not thinking of marrying Michael Corner," Hermione said quietly. Severus recognized the quiet voice of someone who was very angry indeed. "Did you hear the tone he used when he called Amanda a Muggle? And he nearly called me a Mudblood! You know, that boy fought on our side at Hogwarts! And he still holds on to the old prejudices!"

"I wouldn't marry either of them if ... well... never!" Ginny sputtered.

Severus watched Neville's face break into a wide grin. He glanced at Hermione and saw that she noticed Neville's reaction as well. They exchanged another amused look. Perhaps he would have an ally in his matchmaking.

"Actually, Justin is the best of the sorry lot," Hermione said. "We would make a great team politically, logistically. He makes a good point there."

"However," Ginny said primly, "we won't be marrying anyone. Not even Justin. Hermione and I have sworn off men. We will be old maids together and never, ever, marry."

Severus looked at Neville and was unsurprised to see dismay written plainly over the lad's face. Neville didn't understand that when someone their age swore off romance, it never lasted. Romance always reasserted itself.

to be continued

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(Potter Place Anything Goes Challenge, PROMPT # 2)

For whatever reason, Harry has married someone other than Ginny. Ron has told Hermione that he needs a break. Both Ginny and Hermione vow never to fall in love again. What would happen if bets were placed that (whoever was betting) could make a woman fall in love with and agree to marry him in a certain amount of time? What happens when the girls find out it was only a bet?

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Latest 25 Reviews for Matchmaker

167 Reviews | 5.69/10 Average

10/10

sinbad

I'm hoping she will do a bit of matchmaking herself. Was she Slytherin? It will be interesting to see more of her.

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

Thank you for continuing to read and review this! Yes, Circe was Slytherin, two years behind Severus. She was a member of the Slug Club because her family was rich and she was a radiantly beautiful child, then an astonishingly beautiful young lady. She was also quite clever, but only a few, like Severus, really noticed that.I'm glad you like the idea of Circe as matchmaker. You will certainly be seeing more of her, because now that she has inveigled her way into the story, she has decided to stay. She likes Hermione and Ginny and has taken an interest in their futures. Circe loves to get her own way. And if she can thwart Narcissa at the same time, her joy is complete.

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

10/10

elsolel

So much in this chapter that I liked, that I can't even put it into words.

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

Thank You! What a lovely thing to say! I am so happy you like my tale. It is so kind of you to review.

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

Thank You! What a lovely thing to say! I am so happy you like my tale. It is so kind of you to review.

10/10

Mint Stick

Snape is being given good advice, there. ;-)I liked Snape talking about Minerva. I can certainly understand how painful it must have been for him to have to deceive him - and to have her believe the worst of him.

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

Thanks for reviewing! I'm so pleased you like what he has to say about Minerva. I think they have a solid friendship and the last year of the war must have hurt them both. I'm glad we have fan fiction to give them the chance to reconcile.

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

9/10

Anonymous

Hermione and her morals... though they are quite understanding. Why do the girls don't start a matchmaking service for gay guys? And start with the letters they got. Could be working, I think.... *gg*

Author's Response: LOL what a good idea! I must admit something of the sort has occured to me already! clever you to read my mind. Thanks for reviewing each chapter, it is very nice of you.

9/10

Anonymous

I like the interaction between Snape and Neville and the tale about the war-time-interaction very much. Well thought-out!

Author's Response: Thank you! I did really think it out. How would Severus be able to help the students, and what excuse could he give for it to the Death Eaters?
Thanks for reviewing!

9/10

Anonymous

And now we get to see Justin's home. Googling for pranks *grin* - cute. Great pranks, by the way.

Author's Response: You are so sweet to stop and tell me what you like about each chapter! thank you!
I actually found those pranks on the internet, including the site that will send cow pat to your enemies for a price.

beaweasley2 was the clever lass who suggested I look online for revinge ideas.

9/10

Anonymous

Interesting background for Justin, and Circe is truly a fascinating character. Brilliant invention, and great chapter! :o)

Author's Response: Thank you for such kind comments! I am delighted that you find Circe fascinating. She sort of formed in my brain when I realized I was using Blaise Zabini as one of the lads in the challenge, and his mother was briefly (and tantalizingly) mentioned in Half-Blood Prince.

9/10

Anonymous

Brothers and sisters in arms... *grin* I thought at the beginning that Snape has his own agenda, but I'm not so sure any longer. If he has, you're hiding it well ;o).

Author's Response: I think it is so much fun to see people's reactions to this tale, some suspect Severus and some Justin, of some evil intent. We shall have to find out. Thank you for reading!

0/10

kimjo2

i love circe! what a good friend to severus she is. what a delightful update. thanks so much and i look forward to the next installment.

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

Thank you for being such a loyal reader and reviewer! I am so happy you are enjoying this. I really like Circe, too.

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

Thank you for being such a loyal reader and reviewer! I am so happy you are enjoying this. I really like Circe, too.

9/10

Anonymous

Great start! Full of inventive ideas, and the way you make those guys behave... *giggles* - men! Or should I say: boys! ;-)
The relationship between Neville and Snape is quite cool, I tink.

Author's Response: I am thrilled that you like my tale! I do try to come up with original ideas in my stories. I am so happy to be getting a good reaction to Neville and Snape being friends. Thank you for reading and reviewing!

10/10

June W

still suspicious of Circe's true intentions and hopes for her son Blaise. glad that Kreacher finally got a night out. looking forward to seeing Ginny and Hermione's plan for revenge on Blaise and Draco! thank you for updating.

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

Thank you for reading and reviewing!I won't deny that Circe would love to have Hermione in the family, especially now that she has met her. But as to whether her motives are selfish or generous, we will have to discover later. So kind of you to care about Kreacher's night out!

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

10/10

blue artemis

So everyone can see that Severus and Hermione would be good together.

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

Delighted that you are still reading! Yes, Hermione and Severus do have a good bit in common. More than Ron and Hermione do. Thanks for reviewing!

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

Delighted that you are still reading! Yes, Hermione and Severus do have a good bit in common. More than Ron and Hermione do. Thanks for reviewing!

0/10

WriterMerrin

Oh, another matchmaker! I love how straightforward she is about Hermione. :)

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

I love it when people are straightforward and honest, so I had to have someone like that help move things along! And the mystery character of Blaise's mother mentioned in Half-Blood Prince was simply too neat a challenge not to take up.Thanks for reading and reviewing!

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

0/10

sunny33

Circe is cool!

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

I am so glad you like Circe! I like her, too. She will be showing up again before he tale is over. Thank you for reading and reviewing; it means a lot to me.

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

I am so glad you like Circe! I like her, too. She will be showing up again before he tale is over. Thank you for reading and reviewing; it means a lot to me.

10/10

Muggline

I am glad that you found the time to continue this one – I love it!

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

Thank you so much for continuing to read my tale! I am so happy you like it!

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

Thank you so much for continuing to read my tale! I am so happy you like it!

10/10

dverducci

HelloI am really enjoying your story. Waiting for next update

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

Thanks for reading and for the pretty stars! I am thrilled you are enjoying this tale! I will be updating soon as I can.

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

Thanks for reading and for the pretty stars! I am thrilled you are enjoying this tale! I will be updating soon as I can.

10/10

Sampdoria

Thank you so much for the update! I was a bit worried there that Circe would try to convince Hermione to marry Blaise, I became so much more fond of her for telling Severus to court Hermione:-))Severus words about his feelings for Minerva was exellent, I am really touched by them, very well done!I look forward to read more!

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

I am thrilled that you like my tale! and extra-thrilled that you like Severus's thoughts about Minerva. There is a deep theme of loyalty in this tale. It wasn't planned, but there it is. Harry and Ron broke that loyalty by not coming to their fiancees and asking to be released from their betrothals. Now, may the most loyal win the ladies fair, eh?Thanks for your review, thoughtful as always.

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

10/10

Maddie

Prof. Snape has no problem keeping company with Hermione. He seems to enjoy spending time with her. Now he has two witches giving him a pep talk to pursue Hermione. I hope he takes their advice. Hermione rushes off to talk to Prof. Snape whenever anything of interest happens. I see clear interest from them both.

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

Thank you for your interest! I'm delighted that you like this! I assure you, Severus will consider their advice carefully.Thanks for reading and reviewing!

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

Thank you for your interest! I'm delighted that you like this! I assure you, Severus will consider their advice carefully.Thanks for reading and reviewing!

10/10

makaem

You've created some wonderful extra characters. This is a wonderful story.

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

Thank you for continuing to read my little tale. I am thrilled that you like these characters! Thanks for the stars and the kind review!

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

Thank you for continuing to read my little tale. I am thrilled that you like these characters! Thanks for the stars and the kind review!

10/10

debjunk

Oh, this story is so fun. It's a great combination of laughs and seriousness. I loved how Circe encouraged Severus to court Hermione. And she's so bouncy and vivacious. Great character!

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

I'm delighted that you are enjoying this tale! Thank you for reviewing and telling me so. I am so happy to get a good reception for Circe. Thanks for liking her!

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

I'm delighted that you are enjoying this tale! Thank you for reviewing and telling me so. I am so happy to get a good reception for Circe. Thanks for liking her!

0/10

rhiannonofthemoon

Oh, ho! Severus doesn't want to see either of them marry one of those boys! Who does he have in mind for Hermione? Could it be himself?? Hmmm...

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

Hmmm... you'll have to read on to find out. I will be continuing this tale after the voting. I already have the plot set out (with the help of my spendid betas!) and am currently working on the next few chapters. Thank you for reading and reviewing! I hope you enjoyed it.

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

9/10

phoenix

OMG!!! The revenge is working out just great. I love the idea of putting up a personal for Draco in a gay club. ROTFL Though I do worry about the fact that Rita was hanging around. Hermione should have known better and looked for Rita's beetle, though if Rita does anything too publicly Hermione will just turn her over to the Ministry as an animagus, but i wonder if Rita will get in with the boys, or if she will try to blackmail Severus over whatever it is he and Neville are doing.

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

Yes, Rita will be publishing some articles soon. Actually, she is angry that Barbara Cuffe, the editor's daughter, got sent to Trinidad and Tobago to cover the Potter/Wealsey joint honeymoon, while Rita is stuck beetling around the UK. I think you will be surprized at how much mileage she manages to get out of the short conversation she overheard.Thank you for taking the trouble to review each chapter! it is very kind. I am thrilled that you like the tale.

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

0/10

phoenix

Oh, the internet, what amazing trouble it can get people into. LOL I love the idea of turning Ron and Harry blue though, with the possible side effect of getting their new wives. :D That one is a wonderful use of something accidentally discovered.

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

Thank you for liking the revenge ideas! The clever thought of using the internet to find revenge ideas came from ____(Hidden before voting) It was so good, I had my characters use it! I'm glad you like the blue thing. I had actually already written about Neville's potion that turned people blue in the first chapter, when I came across the idea of putting food colouring in the taps. Aha!

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

0/10

phoenix

I love all the plots within plots going here. I really do think you nailed Justin. That is exactly how I see him behaving. Very nicely done.

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

Thank you for reviewing! Thank you for liking Justin! I think he is a decent, honest sort. I'm glad you like the plots and plotting. I hope you will continue to read; I promise to finish this after the voting.

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

0/10

phoenix

Nice to see the girls' reactions. About what I expected. Obviously the guys did their bit in fanning those flames by being utter arses. Hopefully Severus can make Neville see it isn't hopeless.

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

I was sorry to make Harry and Ron act badly, but was happy to have them 'under the influence' so it wasn't them simply being ustter jerks. Thanks for reading!

Response from pookah (Author of Matchmaker)

I was sorry to make Harry and Ron act badly, but was happy to have them 'under the influence' so it wasn't them simply being ustter jerks. Thanks for reading!