Dudley Dursley's Advice to Young Men Everywhere

Dudley Dursley’s Advice to Boys Everywhere

(The original column was by Mary Schmich of The Chicago Tribune. June 1, 1997. It was mis-credited to Kurt Vonnegut via e-mail and became hugely popular. Link below.)

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/columnists/chi-970601sunscreen,0,4664776.column

Learn Boxing.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, Boxing would be it. The long-term benefits of being able to hit harder and more accurately have been proved by every fighter since time began, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now. Word, from the Big D!

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, when you’re my Dad’s age, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much you looked like a baby angel and how much you got away with as a result. You are not as fat as you imagine. What’s so funny?

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation. What do you mean, “Where’s the rest of that sentence?” The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that put a tail on your butt at a little after midnight on some rock in the middle of the sea.

Do one thing every day that scares you. If you can’t think of anything, step outside with me for a few minutes.

Rant. Do it loud enough, and you’ll get a recording contract out of it.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Why would you want to have anything to do with someone’s heart anyway? Bloody Nancy-boy stuff…

Don’t floss. A missing tooth makes a good warning.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Make sure you have everything there is to have. The race is long, and if you’re doing it right, you should be able to walk away with the trophy whether you actually participated or not.

Remember compliments you receive. Keep a note of who leveled the insults. Then catch them alone later when you’ve got your whole gang with you.

Keep your old love letters. Keep your old broken toys. Keep your old books, even if you never read them. Keep everything you ever owned!

Lounge.

Don't feel guilty if you have a weird relative. Believe me, it can happen in the best families. Just make sure everyone knows you hate the little freak, and most people won’t hold him against you. I’d like to see them try! What do you mean, “You wish”?

Get plenty of calcium. If you get more than the other bloke, you’ll break his bones before he can break yours.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, but don’t let the bitch walk away with any more than the bare minimum alimony.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Feed it regularly.

Dance – and beat the crap out of anyone who laughs when you do.

Read the directions. Then bully someone into following them for you.

Do not read beauty magazines. I can point you to magazines with lots more naked bints.

Get to know your parents. It’s easier to get around them if you know which buttons to push. Be nice to your siblings if you’ve got any. But beat the hell out of your cousins – especially if they’re freaks.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few, you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who held your victims’ arms behind their backs for you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave when you’ve milked it for everything you can get. Live in Northern California once, but leave when you’ve milked it for everything you can get. Live in London once but leave when you’ve milked it for everything you can get. If you haven’t spotted the pattern here, you must be really stupid.

Accept certain truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will expect you to know who they are. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians did their jobs and left people like us alone, and children knew how to throw proper tantrums.

Throw proper tantrums.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Expect your Dad to get you a good job in his company where you can make a living shouting at people and passing it off as “management.”

Don't mess too much with your hair. That’s your Mum’s job.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of fighting back. Dispensing it is a way of dragging the past out of the Dumpster, punching its nose, kicking its arse and teaching it not to mess with you again.

But trust me on the Boxing.