Severus Snape's Advice To Hogwarts Graduates

Severus Snape’s Advice To Hogwarts Graduates

Know your potions.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, a basic knowledge of potions would be it. The benefits of being able to brew a decent potion are clear and obvious, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own experience. I will dispense this advice now – to those who find it worth their while to PAY ATTENTION.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, who am I kidding? Unless you’re one of the elite few at the top of the schoolyard food chain, your youth will be a wretched, humiliating time from which no one emerges unscathed so don’t bother to hope for it.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to brew wolfsbane potion substituting oregano. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday when the Dark Mark appears over your house.

Do one thing every day that scares you. Working undercover among Death Eaters will do nicely.

For the love of all that is holy, don’t sing!

Be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't give other people the chance to be reckless with yours.

Snark.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Save your energy for serious grievances. You’ll have enough of them, believe me.

Remember compliments you receive. Remember the insults as well. Be highly suspicious of the former and return the latter three-fold.

Keep your old tattoos. You can’t get rid of them anyway.

Stretch. You’ll need to if you’re going to reach the ingredients on the top shelf.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. Even if you knew exactly what you wanted to do, it’s likely that someone else *cough*QuirrellLockhartLupin*cough* would get the job.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them after the Final Battle.

Maybe you'll marry; maybe you’ll show better sense. Maybe you'll breed excessively; maybe you’re not a Weasley. Maybe you'll divorce at 40; maybe you won’t last nearly that long. Whatever you do, don't berate yourself too much. That’s my job.

Enjoy your body. For most of you this will be a solo effort. Use it every way you can. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own. This is rather sad when you think about it.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room. But be aware that if anyone sees you, you’ll have to kill them.

Read the directions. Then follow them to the letter. Yes, I do mean you, Mr. Longbottom.

Do not read beauty magazines. They are written and published by idiots.

Get to know your parents. You never know when you’ll find out something blackmailable. Be nice to the students of your own House. God knows, nobody else will.

Understand that friends come and go, but enemies are forever. Make every effort to survive, because the older you get, the better your chances of outliving the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, so that wherever you spend the rest of your life you’ll know that it could have been worse. Live in Northern California once, so that you’ll know that New York City could have been worse.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. Anyone named Potter is an arrogant jackass. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and Potter… Oh, hell, Potter was always an arrogant jackass.

Respect your elders. If you can’t bring yourself to respect them, know which ones to fear. If I haven’t given you a good place to start in the last seven years, I haven’t been doing my job.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Why should they?

Don't mess too much with your hair. It will only get greasy again anyway.

Be careful whose advice you buy and of how long you put up with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia and, as such, is a weakness we rarely have time for.

But trust me on the potions.