Should I Stay or Should I Go?

A/N: All things Harry Potter belong to JKR. I make no money from this.

Many thanks to my awesome beta, Southern_Witch_69! Sun, you're the greatest!

Chapter Seven

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Severus started back to the rooms he shared with Hermione, but decided at the last minute to go to the Ministry of Magic instead. He wanted...no needed...to see the photos of his wife's injuries. He was still in slight shock.

The Potions master shook his head as he walked toward the gates. It was a normal assumption! She was in his arms, and he was rubbing on her! Comforting her, as he knew he should have done.

Yes, the assumption was normal, but I should have let her explain. He leaned back against the gate and put his head in both hands, remembering a long ago explanation.

"Severus, wait!" Lily Evans shouted as she ran towards him, her brilliant red hair flying behind her.

"NO! No, I...I..." She didn't want to think that she could have been so full of guile. Giving up, she simply said, "You can't help who you love or who you don't. I'm so sorry, Severus." Then she raised up on her toes, kissed his cheek, and fled.

Severus looked back at the castle. He could never have stood hearing those words out of Hermione's mouth, so he never intended to allow her to say them. His mistake...one he would correct as soon as he could...if she let him.

He straightened. It was time to face this. Severus Apparated to the Ministry and headed for the fourth floor in search of Kingsley. Instead, he could only find Weasley. He cleared his throat to get the boy's attention.

Ron looked up, distracted. "What do you want, Snape?"

Folding his arms and raising an eyebrow at Weasleys' disrespect, he simply said, "I wish to see the photographs of my wife's...and Draco's...injuries."

"Why? Wasn't seeing the real thing enough for you? You're some piece of work, you know that?"

"My business is my own! Never take it upon yourself to question me again, boy. Now, if you are not capable of assisting me, I suggest you find someone who is."

Ron stood, barely containing his fury. Full of hate, he spat, "You over-grown, greasy git! You don't deserve her! How dare you treat her like a... a... scarlet woman after she'd been..."

"Ron!" Harry said as he came around the corner. "What's wrong with you? I can hear you all the way down the hall." Then Harry turned his direction to where Ron was looking.

"Snape," he simply said, as if that explained Ron's behavior.

Ignoring Harry for the moment, Severus told Ron, "I've never claimed to deserve her. The spell deemed me her soul mate. I will not discuss our marital, therefore personal, life with you." Turning to Harry, he continued, "I want to see the photographs of both women's injuries. Kingsley assured me that I could. Should I go to him?"

"No, I'll get them for you. Come with me, Ron."

Severus stood where he was, not bothering to enter any of the offices. He had a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach, and it was all he could do to hold it inside.

Still fresh from the memory of Lily's bitter rejection, added to his abhorrent behavior to his wife, he received an unwelcome jolt when Potter had looked at him through his mother's eyes. He tried to shake it off, but the sickness seemed to be getting stronger instead.

He snapped back to attention when he heard the footsteps coming back down the hall. It was Potter, rather than Weasley, who approached him.

"Here, you can take these. They're copies."

Severus nodded and turned to leave, but was stopped by Potter calling out to him. He stopped and turned. "What is it?"

"How are they? We've wanted to stop by and see, but we were unsure." Harry sneered at his former Potions master. "Didn't want to cause more problems for them."

Taking a deep breath to control his temper, he informed the other half of the bane of his existence, "My wife is fine, as is Mrs. Malfoy. If they need you, which is doubtful, they will send for you."

"It's not doubtful!" Weasley shouted. "Look, Snape, we've been friends...and more...for over half of our lives, and we won't go away because you wish it."

Severus quickly strode towards Weasley, getting nose to nose. "Do try to live out the next half with someone else! She is mine now...don't forget that, least I have to remind you."

"It's too bad that you forgot it when you were yelling at her on the street and accusing her! Don't you know her at all? Or maybe you treat the things that belong to you carelessly? I dunno, and I don't care, but I do care about Hermione. Maybe you're the one who needs reminding, so let me refresh your memory. I will always be there for her if she needs me...not you or anyone else will ever change that!" Ron started to raise his hands to push Snape away from him.

Harry laid a restricting hand on Ron's shoulder and then turned to Snape. "It isn't wise to threaten an Auror, especially in the Ministry of Magic. I suggest you go now before I can't hold him off any longer."

"It's no threat, Potter. It's a promise. Count on it, the both of you." After one last glare, Severus tuned and left, robes billowing in his wake.

"I'll be watching you, Snape!" Ron shouted as Severus walked away.

Ignoring Weasley and feeling aggrieved with what he was about to see, Severus immediately Apparated to Spinner's End so that he could view the photographs in private.

With shaking hands, he opened the envelope.

*** *** ***

Hermione paced in her room, wondering where her husband could be. She had mixed emotions where he was concerned. She was very angry with him for not listening to her, but still had a strong desire to explain the situation to him.

Deciding that she could not spend one more second cooped up alone in their rooms, especially after the horrid nightmares that had plagued her all night, Hermione decided to go check on Ginny.

It didn't take Ginny long to open the door after Hermione knocked. "Hi, Gin. All right?"

Ginny stiffly jerked her shoulder in a half shrug and stepped back to allow Hermione entrance. "You?"

Hermione shook her head. "Not really. I don't think Severus even came home last night."

Ginny began to pace, biting her nails. "I know that Draco didn't. It's conflicting. I want him to come home, but I want him to stay away from me at the same time."

Hermione watched her friend and began to worry because of her erratic actions. "Why don't we sit and get some tea maybe?"

"Oh, no, no, you go ahead. I'm fine."

"Ginny. Sit. You need to calm down. Think of the baby."

Yes, yes, you're right. Of course, you are. Here, let me call a house-elf."

"Have you eaten?" Hermione asked quietly, afraid her friend would jump to the ceiling if startled too much. The slight stuttering and word repetition was worrying her.

Ginny laid a hand on her belly. "No... no, I...I don't think I could keep anything down. But let me get you some toast or something."

"Please sit, Ginny. Don't fuss over me."

Ginny walked to the table and sat, crossing her legs. Her foot jiggled back and forth in a flurry of movement. "He told me he loves me."

Drawing her eyebrows together in confusion, Hermione asked, "Who, Draco? When?"

"Yes, Draco! Who did you think?" Ginny snapped. Immediately, she covered her mouth with both hands. "Oh, my God, Hermione! I'm so sorry!" She jumped up and started to pace again.

"It's okay, Ginny."

Taking a deep breath, Ginny said, "Yesterday, when he was ranting at me saying that Harry only wanted me because I was his, he said that he's in love with me and hoped he could finally admit it."

"Finally? That sounds as if he has been for a long time"

"Yeah, that's what I've been thinking, too. But then he just leaves me...abandons me...and I can't even speak with him about it. Not that he would talk to me. He called me a slut. Said only a slut would be married to one man and kiss another on the street."

Indignant fury rose high in Hermione's chest. "How dare he? How dare they? Severus was just as bad, thinking I was having some sort of affair on the street with Ronald. Not only is it unjust and insulting, it's ridiculous!"

"Exactly! The hell of it is, I was starting to develop some very strong feelings for Draco, and then the jerk had to go and ruin everything."

"Yes, I know what you mean. It happened so fast. I think it was...partly at least...due to the fact that these men are our soul mates. I was amazed at how well Severus and I got on. I've never gotten along with or had more in common with any other man. His distrust, especially when I've done nothing to earn it, hurts me so much."

"Not only the distrust," Ginny started as she continued to pace sporadically, "but the opinion that Draco seems to have of me and my family. I don't understand how he can claim to love me and yet think so badly of me at the same time."

When Hermione laid a hand on Ginny's shoulder to stop her movement, Ginny stumbled back and yelped. "Ginny, you have got to calm yourself."

"I can't get it out of my head!" the red-haired girl shouted. "Every time I close my eyes, Marcus Flint appears. On top of me. Breathing on me. Trying to... to..." Suddenly, she put her face in her hands and wept.

Gently, Hermione took Ginny into her arms. "I know. I've had nightmares all night. We need to go see Poppy. She's a professional, someone we can talk to. If not her, she would know someone to refer us to at St. Mungo's."

"Yes, all right. Let's go. I just...I just can't, you know, continue like this. All churned up over the attack, wondering when Draco is coming home and at times not wanting him to. Worrying because he won't listen one moment, then not giving a damn the next. Closing my eyes and seeing Flint..."

"Yes. I feel much of the same, although maybe not to the extent that you do. Come on; let's go. We have our babies to think of, if nothing else."

*** *** ***

Draco Flooed into Spinner's End, full of aggravation. "What is it now, Severus? I need to think...alone!"

Handing Draco a tumbler of whisky, Severus said, "You need to sit. I've gone to the Ministry today and retrieved a copy of the pictures that were taken of our wives' injuries."

"No."

"No? What do you mean 'no'? It's something you need to see."

"I can't. I don't think I could handle that, Severus."

Becoming even angrier than he already was, Severus informed Draco, "You most certainly will look at them, and you will be a man and handle it. What are you going to say when her father questions you? You can bet that he will, and you'd better have the correct answers!

"The situation that we're in, starting with everything that has happened since we rounded that blasted corner and witnessed Potter and Weasley holding our wives, we've brought upon ourselves. Now, it's up to us to fix it, and we will start by seeing what exactly they went through. So, take your shot and buck up, boy. It's not going to be pretty."

Draco nodded, turned his head back, and downed the drink, coughing as it went down. As he set the tumbler down, he picked up the stack of photos and looked carefully at each one.

After he'd finished, Draco looked into Severus' eyes. "They will pay for this."

"Undoubtedly."

"I have to face her; I know that, but it's easier said than done. She's not going to want to see me."

"No, she isn't. Nor will my wife want to see me. We have to face them, however. They faced us, and we believed a lie. Surely we can face them now knowing the truth."

"I don't know if that makes things better or worse." Draco laid his head on the back of the tattered couch. "There at the end, when I told her I had to get out of there? She had fear in her eyes. She thought I wasn't going to come back. For some reason, I can't get that look out of my mind."

Severus nodded. "Hermione is the one who left after our argument. She said she needed to go see Poppy. Now I realize it was to be healed and to have those pictures taken."

Raising his head, Draco said, "It's time to go, I think."

"Yes, we've put it off long enough."

Both men left, not trying to fight the sense of dread in the pits of their stomachs any longer.

*** *** ***

The first thing Severus saw when walking into his rooms was his wife sitting on the couch with her feet tucked up under her, reading a book.

Upon closer inspection, he was able to see the title, The Muggle-born Witch and Her Magical Baby. It almost made him smile until he noticed the book on the table beside her: Surviving An Attack! Stop Being A Victim.

Fear of rejection made his voice harsh. "It seems that I owe you an apology."

"Oh?" she asked without looking up from her book. "For what?"

Severus furrowed his brow. She is not going to make this easy. I don't blame her. Sighing, he said, "For making the wrong assumption about you and Weasley. I have spoken to Kingsley Shacklebolt, and I now know what truly happened."

"Terrific," was her flat reply. "Is that all?"

"I apologize for not allowing you to explain."

"All right." She still had not taken her eyes off of the book, even though she'd not read a single word since her husband had spoken to her.

He was becoming angry, even though he knew he had no right to after his behavior the day before. "Damn it, Hermione, would you look at me?"

"No, I don't want to see you right now. Why don't you just go back to where you were last night?"

"I would, but you're sitting where I spent last night, and I'm not sure if I would be welcome to sit beside you."

"You wouldn't be. I can leave if you like."

"What I would like is for you to put that blasted book down and listen to me!"

Finally looking up, Hermione asked her husband, "You mean the way you listened to me?"

"Touché." Running his hands through his hair, he tried again. "Look, I know that I don't deserve it, but would you mind..."

"Yes, actually, I would. I am not yet ready to forgive you or even hear you out. I may not ever forgive you. You can't know how much you hurt me, Severus."

He walked to her then and knelt in front of her, wanting to take her hands in his but instinctively knowing she would not allow it. "Hermione, I am so sorry. It's just that..."

She put a finger on his lips to quiet him. "Ssh. I am going to have a bath and go to bed. It's been a long day for me. I'm not handling the attack well, and I had to go see Poppy today. Although," she said, almost to herself, "Ginny is much worse. Talking things through helped tremendously, though. Poppy gave us both a potion that we can take tonight, and I plan on using mine and resting."

"You're having a hard time sleeping?"

She looked at him as if he were an idiot. "Yes, I am. What do you expect? Every time I close my eyes, I see Nott standing before me with his hands around my throat!"

Severus winced, remembering the pictures he'd seen of her lovely neck, covered in bruises. He reached out, and she scooted down the sofa and stood up. Severus stood when Hermione did.

"I can stay in the bedroom tonight if you'd like. Not in the bed with you," he clarified quickly when she shot him a disgusted look, "in the chair by the bed. Just in case you need me."

"Funny. I needed you both yesterday and last night, but you couldn't be bothered. Now, I can't be. So, no, I don't want you in the bedroom with me." When he started to speak, she said, "I'm tired. I don't want to talk to you any more right now."

She turned and walked into the bedroom, closing the door shut firmly behind her. After she'd left, Severus simply went to the couch and sat, staring into the fire. He had no clue where to go from here.

*** *** ***

Draco walked into his rooms, dread filling his whole being. When he didn't immediately see his wife, he walked into their bedroom, ready to face the consequences she was sure to hand him.

The relief was slight when he heard the shower running. There was a time, not long ago, when he would have been welcome to join her. He'd mucked that up now, he thought. God, how he ached for her. Not only the lovemaking but her.

He began pacing the room and noticed some pamphlets and a new potion on the nightstand on Ginevra's side of the bed. What's all this? he wondered, walking over to see. Picking up the pamphlets, he read:

How To Cope After An Attack: You Can Get Through This. Don't Keep Your Pain Inside.

There were others, but at that moment, he heard the water stop in the bathroom. Quickly glancing at the potion to see what it was for, he walked over to the doorway to wait for her to come out of the bathroom.

When Ginny stepped out of the bathroom and into the bedroom, Draco said, "Hello, Ginevra."

She screamed loudly and stumbled back. Alarmed, he ran to her and gently grabbed both of her arms to keep her from falling, noting the trembling. "Hey, are you okay? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you."

Her eyes were a mixture of fury and fear. Jerking her arms out of his grip, she said, "Keep your hands off of me. I don't want you to touch me." She walked to the other side of the room.

Oh, Draco discovered, there are so many layers of pain that I haven't even experienced yet. Stuffing his hands in his pockets so that he wouldn't go to her and touch her again, he told her, "I know the truth now. I know that Flint attacked you."

"Good for you. Congratulations." She turned her back to him as if looking at him disgusted her.

"I suppose I deserve that, but I'd like a chance to apologize and try to explain."

"I bet." She spun around to face him once more, face full of anger. "I wanted a chance to explain to you last night, and you walked out on me...abandoned me...when I needed you so badly. Well, I don't need you now, so you can go back to wherever you came from."

Draco shook his head in denial. "No, I won't leave you again. I messed up, Gin. I know that I did, but won't you just listen?"

"Why should I? You wouldn't listen to me!" She swiped at the unwelcome tears flowing down her cheeks, mad at herself for letting him see them.

"Because you're better than I am?" he asked hopefully.

Putting her hand on her chest and widening her wet eyes in mock surprise, she said, "What me? A slut? Better than Draco Malfoy? Never! Are you sure you really believe this is your baby?"

Draco closed his eyes and lowered his head. He was not going to rise to her bait and yell at her now. Taking a deep breath for courage, he told her, "I know I was an arse to you. I admit it. God knows I wish I could go back and change the way I've treated you. I wasn't there for you before. Please, let me be here for you now." Pointing to the pamphlets, he said, "It never occurred to me..."

"Yeah, it's obvious that there were plenty of things that didn't occur to you. Now I find that I don't care what you know or what you believe. I am going to take my potion and go to bed. I don't want you in here when I do. If you won't go, then I will."

Draco gave in, knowing that she would truly go if he didn't. "No, I'll go. You rest." He turned to leave. When he reached the door, he told her without looking back, "Just please remember, I love you."

"Right. Well, you sure as hell have a funny way of showing it."

Without saying a word, he walked out of the bedroom and closed the door softly behind him. He didn't want to push her too far because it was obvious that she was having a hard time coping with her attack.

If he hadn't been so stubborn and full of jealousy, he would have realized that sooner. I've got a lot to make up to you, baby, but I swear I will find a way.

*** *** ***

Despite taking the potion, Hermione found that she still could not fall asleep. Her mind was too occupied with thoughts of her husband. I wonder what he wanted to tell me? Perhaps I should've listened to him.

By not listening to any explanations he may have had, she was only acting as he had. She was mostly angry with him for not allowing her to talk to him, and then she'd turned around and done the same thing.

If they didn't talk things through, nothing was going to get resolved. She found, after giving it a lot of thought, that she did want to resolve things with her husband. Not only were they going to have a baby together but she could also honestly say that she wanted her marriage to work because of her feelings towards him.

I wonder where he went after I came in here to go to bed? Should I try to send an owl his home?

She sighed and got out of bed. She was weary and wanted rest, but it was obvious rest was not coming for a while. With thoughts of warm cocoa, she wandered into the sitting room and found her husband sitting on the couch, watching the flames in the fireplace.

Acting on the spur of the moment, she walked over to the couch. She noted that he held a firewhisky in his hand, but he'd never taken a sip. "Severus?"

He jolted. "Sorry, I did not hear you come in. Couldn't you sleep? Would you like me to leave so that you can read?"

"No... I think, well, I think I would like to talk to you."

"As you wish," he told her and gestured to the couch for her to sit.

She walked around and sat beside him, slightly facing him. She made sure not to sit too closely as she was still hurt by his lack of faith in her. "You said that Kingsley told you what happened?"

"Yes, he came by to tell you...us...that Flint and Nott had confessed and that there won't be a trial."

"They did?" she asked, shocked and glad at the same time. She really didn't want it to go to trial.

"Indeed. Originally, it was only Mrs. Malfoy they'd wanted. You just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Well, actually the both of you did. They had no idea she would be there that day."

"Right. They had no idea that you and I were even married." She sighed. "This is really great news for me, but this is not what we need to talk about."

He nodded. "I apologize, Hermione. Truly."

"I understand that, Severus. But in this instance, sorry isn't anywhere near good enough. As I sit here, I find that I am feeling hurt and angry all over again. Damn it!" She got up. "I wonder why I should even bother with you at all after the way you've treated me! I thought I could calmly sit here and talk about this, but when I see you, when I think of how you've hurt me, I wonder why I should even care what you have to say!"

"Because I think I have fallen in love with you," he said quietly to himself as she started back to the bedroom.

She stopped and spun back around, facing the couch. His back was to her, so he didn't see the gobsmacked expression on her face. "What did you just say?"

His face reddened. Placing his glass on the table, he stood and faced her. Studying her as if gathering his courage, Severus said, "I think I have fallen in love with you, Hermione."

"You think?" She didn't want probabilities. She wanted facts.

"I know that I have."

She let out a breath and placed her hand on her belly to try to calm the quivering. Looking into his eyes, she told him, "If we are going to truly give our marriage a try, then Severus, you've got to trust me. It's okay to question me, but when I try to explain something to you, especially something of this magnitude, you've got to listen to me."

He held out his hand, and she stepped forward and took it. They sat together on the couch once more, but he kept her hand in his.

"It was the end of my sixth year," Severus began, and Hermione knew that he was going to share with her who'd broken his heart. She vowed not to utter a word until he was completely finished. This was the first time he'd ever shared anything of his past with her as important as this.

"Lily Evans and James Potter had been broken up for awhile, and she'd started talking to me, working with me in Potions, things of that sort. One day, she asked me to meet her at this willow tree by the lake.

"So I did, and our relationship began. We'd meet there regularly and have long talks, and eventually, our encounters became less talk and more... physical. She was my first," he said and turned to look into Hermione's eyes. "Although, I was not hers. Of course, James had had that privilege. That didn't matter to me in any case. I was desperately in love with her, you see.

"Then one night, shortly before the end of term, I went to our usual spot to find her in a very intimate embrace with Potter. She told me that she loved him, and they'd discovered the night before that they were meant to be together."

"Oh, Severus." That explained so much. She'd dated Ron before him, and he'd caught her in his arms. It also explained why he hated Harry. Hermione wondered how often her husband looked at her best friend and wondered what would have been if he and Lily had stayed together. She'd bet anything it was almost every time. The unwelcome and irrational surge of jealously that overcame Hermione shocked her to the core. She decided not to think about that just yet.

"I understand, and I feel for you, but you cannot compare me to her. If you had just let me explain! I hated knowing that you thought I had betrayed you. But you can't know how badly you hurt me by not believing in me...in my feelings for you."

"I'm sorry does not sound adequate enough, but I honestly don't know what else to say or do. I know how utterly wrong I was, Hermione. I know that because of her, I punished you. I thought I was saving myself, you see, because as desperately in love with her as I was, I didn't feel half for her as what I feel for you." He turned his head from her, not used to baring his soul.

Hermione placed her hands on either side of his face and turned him back to face her. "That's a start. Being honest with me, talking to me. If something is bothering you, for Pete's sake, ask me! Severus, can't you tell that I love you, too?"

"No. I've never been loved by a woman other than my mother before, Hermione. And thinking that what I felt was one sided, my only thoughts were to protect my heart. It didn't work in any case."

"You don't need protection from me, love. I won't hurt you. But you have to learn that if this marriage is going to grow, we have to communicate. We have to trust. We have to be honest. And we cannot jump to conclusions."

"Agreed. I don't usually make the same mistakes twice."

Tired, Hermione laid her head in his lap, placed her feet on the couch, and closed her eyes. Severus placed the afghan from the back of the couch he'd put there the previous night over her and began to rub her hair. "Are we okay now?"

"Not quite, but we're getting there," she told him as she drifted off, finally able to close her eyes and rest.

Christy's Note: Well, it looks like Severus and Hermione are on their way! Poor Draco and Ginny! She's having a very hard time of it.

Should I Stay or Should I Go? is a song by The Clash from 1983.

Southern's Note: Severus is lucky his wife is understanding. Draco will have to work a bit to regain some trust.