Chapter Four: More Than One Secret

'I recognised the handwriting straight away,' Harry said with a grin, pushing his glasses up on his nose. 'I'm not sure what else I would have believed. I was a bit worried about how you would let me know I could trust you.' He gave another fleeting glance to Draco, to where he sat at the end of the table, dressed Muggle style, in a soft roll-necked black sweater and black jeans; it had the effect of making him appear even more startlingly blond than usual. For some reason Harry thought he looked like the odd man out in a way that had nothing to do with his age.

'It was Severus's brainchild,' Draco replied.

If Harry hadn't known better he would have thought there was something almost coy about the way Draco looked down. Harry shot a grateful look at Snape before he could stop himself; he wasn't surprised it had been his idea. 'Well, he gave me the fright of my life,' he said, 'materialising at the side of my bed in the middle of the night.'

Harry sat next to Sirius, between him and Lupin; it felt great, in fact if the situation they were in hadn't been so serious, it would have been the best feeling in the world. He wasn't sure just what Lucius Malfoy was doing there, but he supposed if he were there with the rest of them, there must be a good reason; for now Harry was happy to just enjoy the fact Sirius was there, and Sirius was alive.

'I need you to go back to Hogwarts and get the things we discussed, Potter,' Snape said quietly, from where he was still standing beside the fireplace.

Harry wasn't sure why he hadn't sat down with the rest of them, as though he were somehow apart from the reunion. Even Lucius Malfoy had remained at the table, as cold and arrogant as he always was, but at least he hadn't stood up. There was still one empty seat beside Sirius, and its very emptiness made Harry suppose Snape and Sirius were still fighting. 'Yes, okay,' he replied. 'School's finished anyway. I can pretty much come and go as I please.'

'I seem to recall you always did. See me before you go; I have a few instructions for you,' Snape said. He nodded curtly, and began to climb the stairs.

'I see he's still a bundle of joy,' Harry said with a laugh. He noticed Sirius had turned away.

*****

'If you can't get over him, do something about it, Severus, but don't do this to yourself,' Lucius said from the bedroom door. 'You deserve better.'

'I have to get away from here,' Snape returned. 'I cannot bear to stay here any longer.'

Lucius gave him a long cool look. 'How do you think Azkaban felt?'

'You didn't have Sirius Black as a cell mate.'

'Stop it, Severus; stop this nonsense of feeling sorry for yourself. It's torture to watch it.'

Snape dropped his head, defeated by himself. He had so much to do, so much to think about and work out, and all he could think about was Black. He knew Lucius was right; he had to stop it. 'How did you do it? You and Lupin? How did you cross the great class divide?' he asked.

Lucius had sat down on the bed with a vaguely surprised look on his face. The year in Azkaban hadn't changed him, not much, outwardly at any rate. Only those who knew him very well would detect the subtle changes: the fine lines at the corner of the grey eyes, the way his arrogance was preceded by the tiniest moment of hesitation, the almost overt affection he showed towards Lupin, as though he dared not waste any more time in his life in pursuit of what he wanted most, in case it ran away from him again.

'It was easy,' Lucius replied. 'I had the man I love waiting for me on the other side, and the courage to admit that.'

Snape frowned; he'd never thought of Lucius actually loving anyone apart from himself. He'd assumed, like everyone else, that Lupin was just a rich man's plaything; it was quite a shock for Severus to eventually accept that wasn't true. 'I can't do it,' he said flatly.

'I don't suppose you can.' Lucius heaved himself back up onto his feet and gave Snape a level look. 'But you could just stop resisting, couldn't you? And before you say anything, I have not discussed either you or him with Lupin.' Malfoy sighed and dropped his eyes for a moment. 'He's not good enough for you, Severus, not by a long way; I always knew that,' he said. 'But I know something else now; he really does care for you.'

Snape sat down in the place Lucius had vacated; he watched the big blond Slytherin turn in the doorway.

'If you love him, Severus, you must tell him.' The grey eyes held Snape's, empty of their usual arrogant superiority. 'And then you must tell him every day of your life. You never know when fate will snatch what you cherish most from your grasp forever. There is nothing more bitter than the taste of regret.'

Snape stared at the door as it closed.

*****

Harry toyed with his glass of water as he shot another covert look at Draco. He turned as Lucius came back down the stairs; he seemed to have forgotten the book he'd gone up for.

'Can we go out for a bit?' Draco asked.

'No,' Lucius replied as he sat down heavily, gave Lupin a resigned look, and ignored Sirius completely. 'You'll have to stay inside.'

'For how long?' the blond boy muttered. 'I can't stay in here forever.'

'You'll stay in here until we can think of the best way to defend you, you selfish little pup,' Lucius flared. 'Do you think you have been brought here for fun? Men have risked their lives and freedom for you.'

'I only asked.' Draco started back and flushed; he wasn't used to being spoken to in such a manner, certainly not in company.

'I know.' Lucius sighed. 'Content yourself, Draco. It is bad enough being penned up here, without everyone whining at one another constantly.'

'That's rich coming from you,' Sirius remarked moodily.

'Oh, I forgot to say,' Malfoy remarked, raising his eyebrow, as though surprised to find Sirius at the table, 'Severus wants to see you, Black; he's upstairs.'

Lupin watched Sirius rise and climb the stairs, before turning to Malfoy. 'Are you playing Cupid?'

'Mmmm, although I am quite sure it will backfire on me any minute.' Lucius turned to where Draco and Harry had developed a keen interest in staying indoors to watch whatever little tableau was being acted out. 'Perhaps you can go out for a while. No tricks, Draco. I would not care to explain to Severus, or your mother, for that matter, why we are all going to take up residence in Azkaban, if you are careless,' he said with a shudder.

Draco looked surprised. 'We won't go far, I promise. Just some fresh air,' he said as he stood up quickly and nodded to Harry before Lucius could change his mind.

Harry wondered if Lucius noticed Draco patting his pockets down to check he had his cigarettes.

'Stay at the front of the house where we can see you from the window,' Lucius said, a tone coming into his voice that Harry didn't recognise. He dipped into the breast pocket of his doublet and pulled out a small round black stone. 'Keep this in your pocket, Draco; it will tell me if you are in danger.'

Draco gasped in some kind of emotion Harry wasn't sure he could identify. 'I'm glad you're back, Father,' he said quietly and closed his hand on the stone.

*****

'Lucius said you wanted me,' Black said, startling Severus from his moody introspection. 'What is it?'

'Lucius has a vivid imagination.'

'I can't be arsed with this again.' Sirius turned away. 'I'm not nineteen any more.'

'Black, wait.' The words were out before Severus could stop them. He couldn't think of what to say next, as he felt the familiar panic rise in his chest. He found he was standing; he didn't remember doing that ... he found he was crossing the few feet to where Black stood, the second step easier than the first, the third yet easier. If Lucius could do this, he could too.

'I don't know what you want,' Black breathed, clearly confused. Sirius was within touching distance. He hadn't moved, seemingly at a loss, probably reluctant to make another move like the disastrous one of the previous night. 'I can't turn the clock back, Severus.'

'I don't want to turn the clock back,' Snape replied, as he understood what had evaded him for so long. 'I just want to move forward. I need to take control of my own life again.'

'I don't know what you want,' Sirius repeated.

'I want closure. I need to start again, and I didn't know how to, but I do now. I want to end this ... this nowhere I've been living in, and I want to do it on my terms, or even on mutual terms, but I can't live my life like this. I owe myself better than that.'

'Are you saying that you don't want to make a fresh start ... to try again?'

'I'm saying I do want to make a fresh start.'

'But not with me?' Sirius looked away.

Severus thought about that for a moment. It would be so easy to send him packing, but he knew if he did there would be no new horizon beckoning, however doubtfully; he would drown in the despair of his own making. 'I haven't decided that yet,' he answered as truthfully as he could. Black surprised him by seeming to accept that.

'Okay. I understand, at least I think I do. I won't pressure you.' Sirius had turned back to face him. 'Do you want me to leave you?'

Snape nodded; he knew he'd done the best he could. He felt as though some of the weight on his chest had been lifted; it would do for now. 'It would be both the easiest and most disastrous thing to just succumb to lust,' he said. 'No issues would be resolved with a short term fix.'

Black had let a ghost of his grin creep onto his face. 'It would be nice though.'

'Oh, I didn't say it wouldn't.' Severus felt the smirk; he could afford it now. It felt good to acknowledge to himself even that small victory; he had moved forward after all.

*****

'I don't know how I knew,' Harry admitted. 'Nothing stacked up, not that it ever really does. But there were so many times in the past that we could have stopped one another, if that had been the real agenda. Maybe that's why.'

Draco nodded thoughtfully as he cast another furtive look to the house, before raising the cigarette to his lips. 'I don't know what's going to happen. I mean we can't stay here forever.' He looked again to the house no one but those invited under the Fidelius Charm could see. 'I think the only person who's stopping a murder in there, is Lupin.'

Harry frowned; he'd wanted to come to the subject of Lupin. 'I wouldn't have thought that he and your father would be so friendly,' he said tentatively.

Draco grinned. It wasn't a grin Harry recognised; it had come from amusement instead of malice. 'Because he's a half-blood or a werewolf ... or poor? And Lucius wouldn't want to soil himself with speaking with the lower orders of humanity?'

'All three, I suppose,' Harry replied. 'He doesn't strike me as the tolerant sort.'

'Oh, he's not, but for some reason Lupin has always been an exception. It's as though Lucius pretends not to know.'

'Why?'

'I thought you knew actually, Potter. I thought everyone knew,' Draco replied. 'He's been having an affair with Lupin for as long as I can remember.'

Harry didn't bother to feign surprise; he'd begun to suspect Lupin had been so reluctant to succumb to Tonks because he didn't like women. 'I thought your father was gay, actually, when I first saw him in Flourish and Blotts,' he lied. He actually remembered wondering if the big blond poof really was Draco's father when he was hidden in Borgin and Burke's shop a couple of years before, until Mr Borgin himself addressed Malfoy. Of course, that had been before Harry had understood that the likelihood of a wizard being homosexual or bisexual increased directly with how powerful he was. Hermione had told him that; somehow he didn't think she'd read that in "Hogwarts, A History", and he'd never been quite sure if she had been lying when she had told him that witches weren't affected in the same way. He supposed that went a long way to explaining why there were so many one children wizarding families though, and so many unmarried wizards too.

'Yes, I think I'm the result of the "I tried it once and didn't like it" syndrome,' Draco said with a laugh. 'I'm not sure I'd use the term, "gay", around him, Potter. I don't think he's even acknowledged that to himself. Lucius tends to just do his own thing; he doesn't care to categorise himself. I suppose he thinks he's above all that.'

'And Sirius and Snape?' Harry asked. 'That one I won't believe.'

'I don't know; I never did get the hang of what happened there. There was definitely something though; even Severus couldn't bear a grudge that long.'

Draco had turned away a little, and Harry wasn't sure whether he was lying, or just checking Lucius wasn't watching him. 'Oh, I don't know,' Harry replied. 'He managed to start with me before I was born.'

'We'd better get back,' Draco said as he looked uneasily around at the darkening landscape, and hoisted himself to his feet, grinding the cigarette into the sand.

'Draco.' Harry pulled him back for a second. 'I know Lucius is your father, but why is he out of prison? What's he got to do with what's happening?'

The blond boy turned; for a moment it seemed he wasn't sure himself. 'Lucius isn't on Voldemort's side, Potter; he never really has been. The only side Lucius is on, is his own.'

'How does that help us? Someone playing two sides against the middle isn't good.'

'I don't know, but neither Severus nor Sirius seem very concerned about that; that's good enough for me.'

Harry nodded. He liked the way Sirius had been brought into it, as though some importance attached itself to his opinions; in a way he was less surprised about that than he thought he should have been.

*****

'Where are the boys?' Sirius asked as he reached the bottom of the stairs.

Malfoy nodded to the door. 'Outside having a clandestine smoke.'

'Are you insane?' Sirius flared. 'No, don't answer that; of course you are.'

'They're quite safe, Black, I can assure you.'

'How do you know that, you fat fuck?' Sirius wrenched the door open, and Harry almost fell inside for the second time.

'Sit down and behave, Black,' Malfoy replied as Draco took a round, black shiny stone from his pocket and handed it to him.

Sirius frowned as Lucius closed his hand on the stone, as though he did not care for anyone else to see it. 'Is that what I think it is?' he asked quietly. 'Where did you get it?'

'There is very little that money cannot buy,' Lucius replied, as he deposited the stone in the breast pocket of his doublet.

Harry watched, fascinated, as it seemed to throb as it settled, almost as though it had taken a few beats in time with Malfoy's heart. He thought Sirius gave Malfoy a look that very nearly bordered on respect as the blond man looked away.

'Is Severus joining us?' Malfoy asked, clearly wanting to draw attention away from the stone.

'Who knows?' Sirius shrugged and nodded to the stairs. 'Give him a shout, Harry; be a good lad.'

'Not likely,' Harry replied with a laugh.

*****

'Do you want me to go back to Hogwarts tonight, Professor?' Harry asked Snape, before realising there were three other men around the table, and he hadn't thought to ask any of them.

'Professor no longer, Potter, may Merlin be thanked for small mercies. In fact the only consolation of the situation in which I find myself is that I do not have to instruct either yourself or Mr Malfoy in the art of Potion making or Defence Against the Dark Arts, talents, I may add, that none of us bothered to fulfil to their potential.'

Harry blinked. 'Was that a no?'

'That was a "he hasn't made his mind up yet, but he'll spew out a load of crap to draw attention from the fact that he's indecisive" ... something like that,' Sirius said with a grin.

'Why don't you make the decisions, Black,' Snape asked, 'and I shall sit back and make the smart remarks?'

'No, no, you're all right,' Sirius replied.

Harry noticed Sirius was more relaxed, that the banter was just that, and not the hostile interchanges he'd witnessed between the two men in Grimmauld Place. 'Will I just stay here then?' he asked, not at all sure whether his question had been answered or not. He looked to the darkening outside; it looked bleak and unfriendly. 'Only, if I'm going back, I think I'd like to go soon.'

He saw Sirius give Snape a glance, almost as though he were confirming what he was going to say before saying it. 'Stay here. I don't want you wandering around on your own.'

Harry nodded, a bit relieved. 'I think I'd like to know a little of what's going on anyway. I feel as though I've just stepped into something that's halfway through.' He looked at the four men, certain now that, as unlikely as it had seemed to him, they had a shared history of some sort; he thought he needed to know what that history was.

*****