Unveiled Emotions

Chapter Twelve

Unveiled Emotions

At the end of the summer term, Tess followed the path which led back to Hogwarts, fiddling absent-mindedly with Severus's anti-Horcrux and pulling the silver band back and forth along the chain of her necklace. Whilst waiting for St Mungo's to brew the Revivification Potion, Clym had returned the ring to Tess for safekeeping, and rarely an hour passed when she didn't touch the ring for reassurance.

The summer sun had dipped beyond the hills, and the partly-rebuilt castle loomed as a black silhouette on a purple horizon. Tess hoped the long walk back from Hogsmeade might reinvigorate her before she visited Madam Pomfrey in the Hospital Wing, slipped the Tiger's Eye ring onto her finger, and snatched a few hours by the riverbank with the man she loved.

"Hagrid really knows how to put them away," Tess remarked as she stepped over a tree root on the pathway. "He must be Madam Rosmerta's favourite patron."

Aurora lit the tip of her wand as the daylight continued to fade. "You should've seen him at last year's end-of-term gathering. Filius Flitwick had to levitate him home! Rosmerta really should've called time, but this time last year we were all knocked for six by Dumbledore's death, and nobody noticed how intoxicated Hagrid had become. I'm sure those three bottles of Ogden's Firewhisky would have given him terrible heartburn."

Tess grimaced. "Not to mention the hangover."

They walked for a while in silence, picking their way through the woodland and enjoying the fresh air. By the time they reached the castle, the school would be empty; earlier that day, the teachers had escorted the remaining students to Hogsmeade and seen them safely aboard the Hogwarts Express, freeing Tess's time to focus her energies on Severus's revivification.

"What are you doing next week, Tess?"

"I don't know, actually," she replied. "I can't decide. Last night, Severus practically ordered me to go on holiday. He says I look completely drained. It's really no wonder; each unconscious hour I spend in the Hospital Wing doesn't seem to count as sleep. But I choose to be with him on the riverbank, rather than lying in bed, alone in my quarters."

"He's right. You do need a holiday."

Tess groaned. "Not you, too. I've never been under so much pressure, not even when I was spying for Severus and lying to my colleagues and the Carrows."

"Which is why you need a break," Aurora said, smiling. "Why are you feeling pressure about taking a holiday?"

Unable to answer at first, Tess brushed her hand through the leaves of a nearby sapling, wishing life could be simpler. "Clym offered me his summer home in Slovenia for a week."

To Aurora's credit, she continued to keep pace at Tess's side. Eventually, she asked, "And why aren't his wife and family using this summer home?"

"He says that Sophia is taking the kids to see their grandparents in the Isle of Skye. The summer house will be empty."

"And where will he be?"

"At work," Tess replied, kicking at a stone on the edge of the path. "I know what you're thinking."

"What am I thinking?"

"That it's a trap. That I'll be there on my own, and he'll be Flooing in at the first opportunity..."

"Clym's offer of a holiday feels premeditated to you?"

"Yes. I've noticed the way he looks at me. I'm not as naïve as I used to be, and this time I'm taking responsibility for myself. So I've declined his offer."

"That sounds very wise," Aurora commented.

"Besides, I can't go on holiday; when I'm wearing the anti-Horcrux to visit Severus I have to be supervised. I don't want to be separated from him."

Aurora shook her head. "He's already given you his permission. He knows you need a break, and I think some time away from him might do you good. You haven't stopped since the Battle of Hogwarts. You need some time and space to look after yourself."

"I don't know. I'd rather be with him." Tess looked through a gap in the trees and could make out the bright, shining planet of Venus in the darkening sky above. She wished she could take Aurora's advice. "I know where I am when we're together."

Aurora quickly untangled the sentence, asking, "So, where do you think you are the rest of the time?" She turned her head to scrutinise Tess's reaction.

"When I'm not with Severus?" Tess contemplated her reply. "Lost and confused. And scared." The unveiled emotions seemed to float in the cool air around her.

"What are you scared about?"

Tess's footsteps slowed. "I can't answer that. My fear is ephemeral. Whenever I reach out to grasp it, the feeling slips away."

Aurora continued to walk, and Tess followed, her eyes fixed upon the ground.

"When do you feel afraid?" the older witch asked.

Tess knew the answer to that particular question. "When I'm with Clym."

"Clym scares you?"

"No, he doesn't scare me, as such. I think I scare myself."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, when I'm with Clym, I feel like everything I do or say carries great risk. I live in fear of leaving a false impression, of leading him on."

Aurora considered her reply. "So you're afraid that your behaviour is an open invitation to him?"

"When we're in the same vicinity, I'm overwhelmed with fear. It's stupid really, but I'm scared that whenever I open my mouth, or look him in the eye, Clym's going to be lured in, like a sailor to a Siren's call. And we'll both end up shipwrecked."

"So it seems everything you say and do carries a consequence, almost as though it's inevitable that Clym will be drawn in."

"Kind of, yes," Tess replied. "But it's not as though I'm inviting his attention, or even that I'm particularly confident about myself. It's more that I feel I'm dangerous to him."

"Do you feel like you were dangerous to him in the past?"

Tess swallowed down on a dry throat. Aurora had stumbled upon something which had been on the edge of her awareness and up until now had been left unrecognised. "Yes. I was."

"How were you a danger to him?"

"By being there. When I joined the Ministry, our attraction was instantaneous. I admit: I flirted with him. Every day at work I would find a reason to speak to him and seek him out, and eventually I made sure we worked together by requesting he teach me Occlumency. I was the one who suggested we went out for a drink. I initiated our first kiss. It was all me."

"You didn't know he was married."

"That doesn't matter, Aurora. If I hadn't been so flirtatious, he would never have cheated on his wife."

There was a long pause, and Tess felt a hot, sticky nausea creeping through her stomach. She realised she was holding herself responsible for Clym's infidelity, and she felt as though she'd uncovered a monster.

Aurora stopped by a bed of wild garlic and inhaled the tangy aroma, pointing her illuminated wand at the pretty white flowers carpeting the floor. "I'm hearing you say that you held all the power," she reflected.

Her words struck Tess like a gust of wind through the trees. Power was something she hadn't previously considered, and the word seemed to reverberate through her body. "There is something about power," she said, trying to pin it down. "But I'm not sure."

"There was a power imbalance in your relationship with Clym," Aurora ventured. "He was much older than you, an experienced Obliviator in a senior post, and married with a child. However, he was aware of all those things when he entered into a relationship with you."

"But if I hadn't..."

"Regardless of how much you may have flirted, he was a grown man in a position of power."

Tess watched Aurora's expression carefully in the bluish wand-light. She could sense what was coming next.

"So you're saying that he abused his position?"

"I'm saying that he made a conscious decision to cheat on his wife with a younger, more naïve woman. And he hoodwinked you into thinking his love was pure."

Tess shivered. "He did love me, Aurora."

"That may be so, but your love for him was based on a lie."

Tess ran her fingernails down the rough bark of a nearby tree trunk, scratching away a strip of moss, her nose scrunched in concentration. "Even after he told me about his wife and child, I still loved him. I'm so ashamed that I didn't walk away."

"He'd already ensnared you. He'd taken you past the point of no return. By then, you were defenceless."

Tess wrapped her cloak more securely around her shoulders, appreciating the warmth of the garment. She had never thought of herself as defenceless. But perhaps she had been...

"I never realised Clym wielded that much power. I always thought I'd been the immoral one. I blamed myself for his unfaithfulness..."

"He chose to betray his marriage vows, Tess. He made a decision to be with you. He used his maturity and his position to impress and attract you. His disloyalty to his wife is not your fault."

"But I stayed with him, even when I knew."

"Yes, I know." Aurora touched Tess's shoulder gently. "But you were not responsible for his decision to continue the affair. Clym is equally accountable. After all, he held a fair proportion of the power."

In the silence which followed, Tess sensed the stillness of the woodland and heard the distant screech of a barn owl. Her sense of accountability for their disastrous affair had shifted. When once she had shouldered the full burden of responsibility, she now bore a lighter load, for Clym had his own share to carry.

"I understand my confusion and fear now," Tess said, tracing her fingertips down the tree-bark crevices. "Whenever I've seen Clym, the situation has felt dangerous. I've been scared that I'd lead him astray, that somehow my actions would make him love me again."

"You thought him defenceless."

Tess brushed the moss from her fingernails. "Yes. But he wasn't. He isn't. I hadn't appreciated that before."

"And how do you feel about working with him now? Does it feel dangerous?"

"No, not dangerous," she considered. "I suppose it's only dangerous if I choose to pursue him. Or if I accept the offer of his holiday home."

"Sounds as though you've found some clarity," Aurora said, her voice full of warmth. "How about you come to Switzerland with Friedrich and I? We've got a spare room in our chalet. We'll be out for most of the day, and I can supervise if you want to see Severus at night."

"That's awfully kind, but I couldn't impose."

"You won't be imposing at all. And anyway, you've already said the Revivification Potion won't be ready for another two weeks, so what's left to stop you?"

Tess smiled, and tears of gratitude fell from her eyes. Their conversation ended with a hug, and Tess returned to Hogwarts Castle contented and rejuvenated, looking forward to the summer holidays and being reunited with the man she loved.