Chapter Two

Chapter Two

Sirius awoke to find himself alone in the room. It was so devoid of anyone but himself that for a moment he thought he'd got drunk and dreamed the night before. He pulled himself upright and winced as delicious reminders of pain caressed his body. He looked at his bruised wrists; it would have been fairly simple to spell the marks away, although the ache would remain, but he decided not to. He'd wear these battle scars with pride, even if he were the only one to see them; he felt he'd earned them. It took him a good few minutes to come to terms with the fact that the man wasn't in the bathroom; he had left him. Sirius felt panic rise in his chest; he didn't know how to get in touch with him, how to see him again. He didn't even know who he was.

He got out of the bed, pulling the sheets aside as he did, and stared down at the black rose, its petals still sparking with dew, lying where the man had lain the night before. Sirius felt something he didn't recognise catch at his chest. This couldn't be all; there had to be more, a return match, another meeting. It couldn't just be a cold bed and a fucking rose.

He dressed quickly, finding nothing in the room that served as a clue to who the man was or where he had come from; it was empty except for the furnishings that had been there when he and ... fuck, he and someone else had arrived last night. He ran his fingers through his hair, the hair he had charmed for himself; at least he still had that, still had his own anonymity. He ran down the stairs to where Tom was pretending to clean the hallway, which hadn't had that particular honour for some years now.

'Anyone else around, Tom?' he asked, forgetting for a moment that the landlord wouldn't know him.

'You're the last,' Tom said, bobbing his head to the side as though he could recognise Sirius if he caught him in a better light.

'Any messages for Aurelius?' Sirius asked, hating himself for the desperation that he thought had crept into his voice.

'Aurelius, Aurelius,' Tom muttered as he thumbed through a small tray of parchments, as though he didn't know exactly what clandestine messages he had waiting to be collected. 'Nope, 'fraid not.'

'What about Amadeus?'

Tom began flipping through the three or four parchments again, but Sirius had already turned away.

*****

Severus arrived back in Hogwarts just as Sirius was stirring; he hadn't wanted to linger, to examine himself in the cold light of day with another looking on, telling him not to pass judgement upon himself, or any of the other platitudes that he couldn't bear to hear. He sat down heavily and pulled one of the last boxes of his favourite black cigarettes from the drawer of his desk; he hadn't wanted to smoke them last night, just in case someone recognised them. Perhaps he flattered himself; perhaps no one ever noticed any of the foolish little idiosyncrasies that set him apart from others, or worse, perhaps they did and did not care anyway.

He found himself wondering how Lucius had fared last night; he was fairly sure that the man Malfoy had been with knew "Amadeus". He wondered if there were any way he could find out who he was, but he wouldn't care to discover that he was having an affair with Arthur Weasley or Walden Macnair. He stopped in his mental tracks. He was getting carried away with himself; he had had a one night stand of the best sex he could ever remember, with a man whom he didn't know and was unlikely to ever see again. But even as he tried to convince himself he knew that was not true; they had something to offer one another which each knew would be hard to find elsewhere. They would meet again, if for that reason alone.

He tried to put it out of his mind as he went about the soul-destroying daily business of teaching Potions to those who did not want to learn. He found himself harking back to the night before at odd times of the day, missing the chance to deduct points from both Ron Weasley and Harry Potter, ignoring the sycophantic Draco's news that his unbearable father asked him to accompany him to Malfoy Manor for the Christmas break. Even Minerva had to repeat herself three times at dinner before Severus realised he was being spoken to.

He gave himself a shake; this wouldn't do. There was one way to stop this nonsense before it started; he would go back to the Leaky Cauldron tonight and lay whatever ghost was there to rest. His alter ego had been satisfied beyond his wildest imaginings; he would see in the cool light of better judgement that the man was nothing to him. How could he be? He had been water when Severus had been parched, food when he starved; that was all, he thought, as he pulled on a fine black roll-necked sweater. At least it wasn't pale blue; he wouldn't make that mistake again. He would put this away now, an experience to be savoured as he sat alone, to be examined and relived and probably romanticised over. That was the only reason he was going back, he told himself; it was easier than acknowledging the panic that threatened to rise when he thought the man might not be there.

*****

'How was it?' Sirius asked as he pushed a cup of coffee across the kitchen table to Lupin, hoping he'd get the hint that he wasn't about to sit drinking all night with him.

Lupin smiled as he lifted the mug to lips. 'Fine, it was a good night ... only one thing put me off actually.'

'Do I want to know what it was?' Sirius asked with a grimace.

'Well, I certainly didn't.' Lupin smiled again. 'I'm glad I was past noticing such blemishes at the time. It might have quite put me off.'

'Okay,' Sirius said, grinning, 'I'll bite. What blemishes?'

'Do you remember someone a couple of years above us at Hogwarts, who had a birthmark on the base of his spine that looked like a downward pointing arrow. We all used to take the piss out of him about it. I suspect it was the only reason the lazy bastard ever bothered to learn to hurl a decent hex,' Lupin replied, as Sirius's jaw dropped. 'Well, it's very faded now, but it's still there.'

'You're kidding me on,' Sirius said as he sat bolt upright in disbelief. 'Does he know who you are?'

'How happy do you think Lucius Malfoy would have been to be contaminated by half-blood and werewolf on one night, not to mention poor?'

Sirius laughed out loud. 'I hope you picked the fat tart's pockets.'

'No, actually.' Lupin smiled yet again as he stood up. 'I'll try to remember to do that tonight though.'

'Tonight? You're seeing him again tonight?'

'Why not? He's taking me for dinner to somewhere nice in London. Come on, Sirius, surely you don't grudge me a dinner or two. I only came in to borrow something to wear.'

'Help yourself.' Sirius nodded to the hall. 'But be careful, Old Wolf, Malfoy's not a man to mess with. Anyway, you never asked me how my date was.'

'I didn't need to. You be careful too, Sirius.' Lupin turned in doorway. 'I know what games you like to play. Remember he's a stranger.'

Sirius watched his back. Lupin could look after himself, and none of the unpleasant things he knew about Lucius pointed to him having left a trail of dead lovers behind him. Sirius's thoughts turned to the man he had been with last night, the man who had hardly left his thoughts all day. He had been almost sure that the man he knew as Julius also knew Lucius. He didn't want to think too hard; out of all of Lucius's acquaintances of former Death Eaters, he couldn't think of one he'd have been comfortable with. He hoped Lupin wouldn't take too long to pillage his wardrobe; he wanted to get moving himself.

*****

'Someone was looking for you earlier,' Tom said as Severus tried in vain to sneak past him unobserved. The landlord of the Leaky Cauldron was having the unexpected windfall of a bonus day; he hadn't allowed for the fallout from the night before. 'Seemed to think there would be a message for him this morning.'

'Really?' Snape didn't bother to lift an eyebrow; he didn't want a reply and he certainly didn't want Tom keeping a log of his comings and goings. Perhaps the man from last night had just been a cheap tart who was hoping to get beaten up so he could sell his story to the 'Prophet' for a few Galleons to buy some interesting plants and herbs from Knockturn Alley. But Severus knew that wasn't true; Tom was just being nosey, and Severus believed that nosiness should be discouraged at every opportunity. He walked into the back room without waiting to see if Tom had any more to say, trying to shake the vaguely uncomfortable feeling that the man had been asking about him.

The same two tarts occupied the same mouldy old seats they had sat on last night, before Tom had moved them on... and Lucius stood at the bar once again. This time he made no show of recognising Severus, and he gladly returned the compliment. There were a couple of tables of two men, and one or two tables of single men who looked hopefully at the door every time it opened. The man he had been with last night wasn't here; Snape hoped he hadn't missed him. He reminded himself to keep his back to the door; he felt pitiable enough without looking pathetic. He just wished Lucius weren't here, then again he was alone too; he wondered if Malfoy had come along in hope or expectation. He didn't have long to wait; the next man who came in was the man he had been with last night. Lucius took his arm and they left the bar immediately, as though they were in a hurry to be somewhere else.

He wished he'd brought something to read, something to make him feel less like a wretched exhibit; the ten minutes he had been sitting staring at the untouched Firewhisky had seemed like forever.

'Can I buy you a drink?' the measured tone said from so near to him that Severus almost jumped.

He took his time in turning; he had to remember he wasn't Severus Snape. 'That depends on just how benevolent you feel towards Tom,' he replied as he glanced quickly to where the landlord had come through to the bar. He was pretending to polish some glasses that were beyond polishing, and making little attempt to conceal the fact that he was watching the proceedings, like a dubious deity overseeing the development of his own creations.

'Very actually... but I get your drift.' The man grinned his easy grin, and nodded to the door. 'Shall we?'

Severus had been just about to stand when he found himself remembering why he'd come here. 'Not tonight,' he replied. He read the flash of disappointment with more pleasure than he could have imagined. 'Perhaps some other time?'

The man didn't seem to want to take no for an answer; Severus admired that in a man as much as he ever admired anything, he knew what he wanted and he didn't let go until he got it. The man had cocked his head to one side and smiled ruefully, a "you might fool yourself, but you can't fool me" smile. Snape had to remind himself again that he wasn't available, even as he knew the man had read the opposite.

'When then?' the man asked as he sat at the other side of the table.

'I don't know,' Snape replied. 'We find ourselves in the difficult position of being unable to get in touch with one another.' He raked around in his mind for something that had annoyed him earlier, but had fled when the man had arrived. 'Why were you questioning Tom about me?'

The man started back in surprise. 'Tom? That Tom? I wouldn't ask him the time.' He nodded to where the landlord was fawning over his glasses. He gave him a pained look and then hesitated for a moment. 'I did ask him if there were any messages for me this morning though,' he admitted with a half measure of his grin. 'I certainly didn't mention you by either description or the name Julius. Mind you, I had a bugger of a job remembering my own name, come to think of it.'

Severus felt himself relax; he didn't really want to go back to the cold comfort of his rigidly righteous domain at Hogwarts, and he knew Malfoy Manor wasn't an option tonight. 'Well,' he said, as though he had given the matter some consideration. 'I could leave a message with Tom.'

The man gave him a cool look. 'And I'll just drop by every day and see if there's one here? Is that the idea?'

'Do you have a better one?' Snape asked, warming to the spat.

'Yes. Why don't you get down off your high horse and admit that you want to go somewhere quiet as much as I do.'

Severus raised his eyebrow. 'I find volte-face a painful option.'

'I just bet you do, you arrogant fuck.' The man smiled again as he stood from the table, an easy unforced smile that Severus envied. 'Let's go somewhere nice for dinner and I can tell you a pack of lies about me, if you tell me a pack of lies about you.'

'You strike a hard bargain, Amadeus.'

The man winced. 'I wish I hadn't called myself that.'

*****

Sirius looked at the man sleeping at his side; he had been with him five out the last eight nights. They had not repeated the intense game they had played on the first night, but Sirius knew they would one day, one day when they both felt the need to take out their alter egos and play with them. He could wait for that, for now it was a pleasure to be on nodding acquaintance with what he had always regarded as a weakness.

The man stirred and Sirius smiled to himself; if he had been twenty years younger and if pigs could fly, he would have believed in love at first sight. The cynic in him scoffed at the idea; he hadn't even had sight of what this man looked like; all he saw was the bland image that his complex Charms cast, muting the features and the outlines beyond recognition, until they could have been a glance at any dark-haired, pale-skinned man on earth. He had taken great skill and great care to preserve his anonymity. What he couldn't hide was the lonely isolated man living below the facade, the bitter cold man who lived a bitter sterile life; a bit like Sirius himself.

Sirius had picked at bits of the man and his memories, even as he knew the same had been done to him, enough to know they were kindred spirits, both pariahs in some way, outcasts of their own making. The words hadn't really mattered, it had been the haunting behind them, the unhappy childhoods and formative years, the man's marked by poverty and cruelty, where Sirius's had been marked in a different way, but just as profoundly. The man denied having gone to Hogwarts, as Sirius did too, both knew the other was lying; even during the couple of relaxed hours over dinner, it was becoming difficult to live the lie. Sirius was frightened to find out who this man was, frightened that he would not want him if he knew who Sirius was; he had already cast him the role of the man he had always wanted ... Sirius had not believed he existed. He felt him stir again as a knock sounded on the door.

'Coffee, anyone?' Tom's voice sounded hopefully from the other side.

The man closed the eyes he'd just opened. 'Get rid of him,' he hissed. 'But make sure he leaves the coffee.'

Sirius looked down at him. 'I don't suppose you'd like to rephrase that? Or even consider getting up for the coffee yourself, you arrogant fuck,' he muttered as he shoved the bedclothes aside. 'Leave it on the floor and I'll get it in a minute,' he snarled at the door. 'And don't bother hanging about for an eyeful, you old pervert.'

He turned and found the man had hoisted himself up on his elbows and was looking at him with mild astonishment. 'Very nicely done,' he said, his voice laced with irony.

Sirius pointed at him. 'Don't question the manner in which I obey your orders,' he said, stifling his grin. 'Not at half past eight in the morning.'

*****

Severus started. 'Half past what?'

'Eight.' The man grinned back as Snape jumped from the bed and began to haul on the black sweater and trousers he had been wearing the night before.

'I need to go. I'll grab a shower when I change for work,' Severus gasped, cursing his stupidity for having slept so long, but unable to regret the way he had spent the night. He wished he had had more time to think about how to leave the door open again, so to speak, and found himself at a loss for words; leaving was so difficult.

'I'll be here tonight,' the man offered, and this time the smile was only in his eyes. 'The next night as well. If you haven't come either of the nights, I'll know you're not coming back.'

He always said the same thing, as though he were hedging his bets, or giving Severus a way out if he wanted to take it. Snape nodded; that would do. He knew he should take time to think about what he was letting himself in for, but he hadn't, and now he thought it might just be too late. He touched the man's arm on his way past him, an asexual contact, to let him know there was perhaps more; he knew he understood. They both really needed to step back; this could continue in two ways, a series of anonymous but torrid sexual encounters, or an open relationship, however short or long. A combination of the two was not possible; on the other hand, it might just end as quickly as it had begun.

He was still thinking as he hurried down Diagon Alley, dropping his Charms as he pulled his winter cloak about him. He ducked into the tobacconist; he was well and truly late anyway, he might as well have his cigarettes too. As he pocketed his change he turned and hit the first sour note of the day; Sirius Black had come into the shop. Snape decided not to even acknowledge him; he had much more important things to think about than petty vendettas that had been going on for so long that their origins were buried in obscurity.

*****

Sirius made his way through the shop; he needed cigarettes. There were three people in front of him, two witches, who seemed to be together, and fuck it all, Severus sodding Snape; that was enough to wipe any good feelings he had away in a cloud of sour gloom. He watched him pocket his change and his cigarettes and turn; he noticed Sirius of course, but he seemed to at least do the decent thing and ignore the fact.

He was a bit late for school, Sirius thought absently; classes stared at nine when he'd been there, not that Sirius had ever actually started at nine. Maybe the poor sod was teaching Gryffs first thing this morning and had decided to upstage them. He wondered if he should hex him on the way past and thought better of it; he'd more important things to think about. His thoughts slammed to a halt as Snape passed him, and he felt the colour drain from his face. He almost staggered into the women in front of him, and had to mutter a confused apology as Severus made his way out of the shop into Diagon Alley, dragging the man, Julius, out of his life as quickly as he had come in.

'Are you a'right, Sirius?' the tobacconist called in his wheezy voice. 'You looks like you see'd a ghost.'

'I'm fine,' Sirius said, as he dredged his heart from the pit of his stomach where it had fled when he had scented Snape as he passed him, when he had scented his own sweat on Snape. He turned and left the shop; he had to get out of here, he couldn't even think of the implications of what he'd just sensed, but he was a dog, he knew he had not made a mistake.

He Apparated straight to Grimmauld Place and did the only thing he could think of, nine o'clock in the morning or not; he poured himself a very large drink.

*****

Severus gave him the benefit of the doubt, three hours' worth of the benefit of the doubt. He wished he had spent the miserable time getting well and truly drunk, but he hadn't wanted to ... just in case. It took him some considerable effort to drag himself to his feet once he'd decided to go, and it was only with reluctance that he didn't hurl a vicious hex at Tom as he passed him on the way out. It was cold when he got into Diagon Alley, and he pulled his cloak about him, making his way slowly past the closed shops to the Apparition point at the corner of Knockturn Alley.

He let his Charms fall and pulled his cloak tighter against the cold night air, dropping his head in a combination of defeat and self-disgust, as he Apparated from view to the hill outside Hogwarts. He hadn't noticed the black dog that had ghosted his steps since he'd left the Leaky Cauldron; he would have thought nothing of it if he had.

*****

Sirius had seen all he needed to see. Funny things Charms, they only worked properly if you didn't already know who the caster was; when he concentrated he could see below the complex spells. For some time he had wondered if Snape had Flooed from the Leaky Cauldron back to Hogwarts, but he doubted he would have wanted to break his cover in that way. He assumed he had gone out the back door into the London streets, and he was about to go back to spend a miserable night in Grimmauld Place when Snape had stepped into Diagon Alley.

Sirius almost whined when he saw him walk slowly up the street, a tall dark man, pulling his bitter loneliness about him with his winter cloak, like the hostile shroud he presented to the world.

*****

It was Saturday, at least Merlin had to be thanked for that tiny mercy. Severus dragged himself upright from where he'd fallen asleep at his table, trying to ignore the slamming headache and the upturned glass and the whisky bottles, one empty, and one half-full. He stood up and rummaged around in the cupboard above the stone sink in the workbench, until he found the tiny bottle of the most vicious but effective hangover cure he'd ever brewed. He uncorked the bottle, his stomach recoiling at the yellow fumes, and tipped it bravely to his mouth. He should have taken it in the bathroom; he knew that much from previous experience, but it was too late now.

It seemed to be hours that he stood shivering over the sink, while he threw up the whisky and the Firewhisky he had gone on to when the malt had run out. At last he drew a long shaky breath and filled a tumbler with cold water. He was still shaking as he sipped it cautiously; then some ignorant bastard began knocking on his door.

He considered ignoring it; in fact he did ignore it for long enough to make sure that the excesses of his dissipation were cleared from view. But he might as well begin to put this adolescent nonsense behind himself immediately. He flung the door open and stifled a groan.

'Just to let you know there's a meeting at Grimmauld Place tomorrow at lunchtime, Severus,' Potter said, looking past him into the room before turning again to him. 'Are you all right? You look awful.'

'Thank you for your misplaced concern,' Snape hissed back. 'That will be all.' He tried to close the door on the insolent little whelp's face.

Potter muttered something under his breath, about it not being his fault that Voldemort was dead and had renounced him as a traitor to his cause with his dying breath, as Harry's hand had closed around his wand under Snape's hand some three months ago.

Severus pulled the door open wide; he may as well vent his rage at someone worthy. 'What did you say?' he snarled.

Potter turned in green-eyed insolence. 'Can't you drop it, Snape? We've all changed; we've all had to make adjustments, not only you,' he snapped back. 'Dumbledore's had to adjust to being dead, and you can't even adjust to being alive. You're pathetic, you know that?'

'I beg your pardon?' Snape asked, hoping he sounded more dangerous than he felt. He should have waited until he felt better to take on Potter and his smart mouth. That was a stupid mistake; it wasn't his first of the week.

'Forget it,' Harry said and turned away, clearly angry he'd risen to the bait. 'It's hardly my problem if you want to sit down here night after night like the cloistered old virgin you obviously are, getting drunk so you can have the excitement of a hangover in the morning. Anyway, I'm only the message boy; it's not my place to judge my betters,' he delivered with an irony that wasn't lost on Severus.

Severus had left himself with the wretched option he should have taken in the first place, and slammed the door in childish fury.

*****

'We've got a meeting tomorrow,' Lupin said as he pushed a cup of coffee across the table. He eyed Sirius with concern. 'Want to talk about it?'

'Nope,' Sirius replied flatly. 'There's nothing to talk about.'

'Come on, Sirius, snap out of it. It's not as though you've never had a bad experience.'

Sirius wished Lupin would go now; he didn't want to talk, he didn't want to do anything but attempt to work out a way of forgetting that Julius was Severus Snape. He needed to see Snape again, and yet that thought terrified him; the thought that Severus would refuse to continue unless he knew who Sirius was, or that he would make some mistake, some slip of the tongue and that Snape would drop him like a hot brick. Sirius didn't think he was deluding himself, or reading more into the relationship that had hardly even begun; he knew how he felt and he thought he knew how Severus felt too.

And that was the tricky bit; he'd realised he'd already accepted the fact that Julius was Snape, but he doubted Severus would return the compliment. The possibility that he would not see him again hung over him. Snape was the only man who had ever had the balls and the finesse to push the outer limits of his endurance; the very possibility that this might end horrified Sirius. The man's touch was a drug he knew he could not do without, but it wasn't only that; had it been he would just have set it aside with regret. Sirius thought there was more; for the first time in his life he thought the big prize might just have been under his nose all the time, it had just been wrongly labelled.

'I haven't had a bad experience,' he replied as he tried to put on his grin.

'What then?' Lupin asked, his concern growing. 'You can't be in so deeply in a few days.'

In so deeply? Was he? Was that what was wrong? He found himself nodding in confusion. 'I don't know ... I just don't want it to end,' he said stifling a useless sigh. 'And it will. I don't know how long I can pretend.'

'Pretend what, Sirius? Are you telling me you know who this man is?'

'Yes. And when he finds out who I am ... well suffice it say, that will be the end.' Sirius nodded as he felt something like hopelessness well up inside him. 'Anyway, I bet you haven't told Malfoy who you are,' he said, trying to steer Lupin away from the point.

The werewolf looked down. 'I didn't need to; he already guessed.'

'And?' Sirius raised his eyebrow in intrigue.

'We'll see,' Lupin replied.

'Well, well, well.' Sirius grinned with feeling this time. 'Just think, Remus, if you play your cards right you wouldn't have to borrow clothes anymore; you could buy your own.'

'I remember you said you thought he knew Lucius,' Lupin said, harking back, and Sirius could see him searching his mind. 'Who is he, Sirius? Or have I already guessed?'

'I think you have,' Sirius said; his grin had tightened again. 'I'm going to run something past you, Moony; it's not cruel, but it's not kind either. I just ... fuck it, I just don't know what to do. I need him to know that I know who he is, but I don't want him to think I've been asking around.'

'Why?' Lupin asked. 'I assume we are talking about Severus?'

'The very man,' Sirius said. 'Now you know why I need to keep my cover.'

'You hate him. Don't do this for the wrong reasons, Sirius. Let the past go; don't do this just to hurt him. I thought we'd left that behind us.'

Sirius gave him a level look. 'I have, Remus. I'm trying to move forward.'

*****

Sirius knew he'd go back again, just as he knew Snape would go back too. He sat patiently in the lane beside the Leaky Cauldron and sure enough the man he now knew to be Severus Snape walked quickly along the dark street, looked around once and ducked inside the tavern.

Sirius wanted to go inside; he found it hard to imagine him sitting there, growing angrier by the minute, more depressed, lonelier. The minutes were as much an agony to him, but he contented himself to sit it out; he didn't think Severus would wait as long as last night. Maybe just over an hour later he watched him come out, with his Charms still cast about him. Sirius loathed himself for the slump in the shoulders; he hoped he could pull this off.

The timing was going to be crucial; he had to get to Snape after he'd dropped his Charms, but before he Apparated. The last thing he wanted was for Severus to go back to Hogwarts believing he had not turned up; he knew there wouldn't be another chance. He was just becoming concerned that he would Apparate the way he was, when he caught sight of the familiar harsh profile as Snape looked quickly up the street. Sirius made his move.

*****

Severus was glad in a way that he had come, glad that he at least had no doubts left in his mind. He knew the man had not turned up, even as he knew he would not come back here again. He would put this nonsense behind him and learn to live with the fact that he was alone; it had ever been thus anyway, there was no good reason why it should change now. He was just crossing the street when he heard footsteps behind him.

'Can I buy you a drink?' the man said breathlessly from behind him. 'I'm glad I caught you. I was beginning to think I'd blown it.'

Severus turned quickly, forgetting he had let his Charms drop and watched the man frown in disappointment and surprise.

'Sorry,' he said, stepping back from where he had been about to touch him. 'I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else.' The man began to turn away.

'I am whomsoever you want me to be, Amadeus,' Snape replied, and watched the man stop in his tracks. 'But you have me at an advantage now. My cover is, as they say, well and truly blown.'

'It is, isn't it, Severus?' the man replied.

'I take it then that you know me,' he said quietly, only slightly concerned. 'Do you intend to extend me the equal courtesy?'

'No,' the man let his familiar grin slip onto his face, 'not until I think I can risk it. We don't like one another very much.'

'Why does that not surprise me?' Severus replied wryly.

'About last night,' the man said. 'I hope you didn't come. I had a family matter crop up, and I couldn't get away.'

'It doesn't matter,' Snape said, and it was true; it didn't matter now.

'Your place or mine?' the man asked.

'I could call your bluff and say your place,' Severus answered. 'And then you'd have to make up some outlandish excuse as to why we couldn't go back there, perhaps even inventing a wife and several children that you would have to keep remembering about. Seeing as you have difficulty remembering your name, perhaps we should go to my rooms.'

*****

It had been over twenty years since Sirius had been in these rooms; the last time had been detention when he was in his seventh year at Hogwarts. He tried not to recall that it was for hexing Severus, so that the perfect potion he had made had spilled over the floor, and had multiplied at such an alarming rate that the class had to be abandoned and Filch had to be called to clear up the resultant mess.

'What are you smiling about?' Snape asked as he closed the door and turned his wand to the empty fireplace, lighting a merry blaze that seemed out of place in these cold damp rooms, lined with shelves of old books and dusty bottles of unimaginable things, and a fat black cat that slunk out of a shadowy corner and eyed Sirius with suspicious hostility as though he had no right to encroach upon its domain.

Sirius suspected the fire was rarely lit. He could picture Severus sitting down here with his cloak on, warming himself from the inside out with whisky, while the cat sat in front of the blank grate and dreamt of the contents of the jars. 'Nothing much,' he replied. 'I didn't ever expect to be back at Hogwarts in such a capacity.'

Snape turned to him with something like concern etched on his hard features. 'Have you been one of my pupils?' he asked as the cat jumped onto the table and hissed at Sirius, before nudging Snape's long-fingered white hand in the hope of having its ears rubbed.

Sirius shook his head; he could see that worried him. 'No, I left here before you arrived.' He watched Severus relax a little, as though he had accepted what he'd said; he had a suspicion the cat recognised his other form though. 'I don't think the cat likes me.'

'The cat doesn't like anyone,' Severus replied as he gave it a look that seemed to border oddly on affection, 'although she tolerates me. I know it to be cupboard love though, fickle things cats.'

'I'm not fickle, Severus,' Sirius said. 'I just want you to accept me for a while as the man I am, not the man you may have thought I was.'

'Why do I think I am going to regret this?'

'I promise you won't.'

*****

Snape was last to arrive, as was his habit; he couldn't see what the meeting was for anyway, it wasn't as if Voldemort had risen from the dead. He couldn't see why he'd had to cut his Sunday short. He managed to avoid waking the harridan in the portrait as he passed, and pushed the door that opened onto the ugly kitchen.

Black and Lupin were sitting at the top of the table with Bill and Charlie Weasley on either side; Potter and Ron Weasley were standing at the sink arguing over who made the worse coffee, and Minerva sat talking to Arthur and Molly whilst the rest of the Order talked and argued amongst themselves. The only people who acknowledged Snape's presence were Dumbledore, who had cracked an eye open from where he sat slumbering in the portrait Minerva had brought with her from Hogwarts, and Potter, who gave him an odd look; he felt as welcome as a dose of pox.

Severus took no part in the general discussions of the meeting, apart from exchanging a few hostile glares with Black, who admittedly appeared to be out of sorts in that he hadn't yet stooped to fling random insults at him. He was just about to excuse himself, once he thought up a suitable reason, when Dumbledore seemed to wake up properly.

'Let us now go on to the main business of why I have called you all here a week before Christmas,' he said, eyeing Snape keenly in way he didn't like a bit. 'I have it on good authority that many of the former Death Eaters are attempting to form themselves into a group again. Let us not become careless and allow a new Dark Lord to arise just because the situation has become vacant.'

Severus found Black and Lupin both watching him and twisted his lip. 'What am I supposed to about it? I do not have contact with any of them.'

'You've got contact with Lucius Malfoy, Severus,' Dumbledore said reasonably.

'Lucius is no longer a Death Eater,' Severus snapped. 'He has neither the inclination nor the balls to rejoin any group that may be attempting to form. He got into enough of a mess the last time, if you recall.'

'Nevertheless, Severus, it may be an idea to see if he has heard anything. Such things would come to his ears, one way or another,' Dumbledore replied as he accepted a cup of tea from the curvy blond witch who had walked into his portrait. 'From then you could perhaps pay some visits? Just to keep tabs on things.'

Snape almost laughed. 'I'll be very welcome, I'm sure. Perhaps it escaped your notice, but I doubt it escaped theirs, that I was with Potter when Voldemort fell.'

'That could be read in different ways in different quarters,' Minerva suggested.

'Quite,' Snape replied. 'Perhaps you should send Potter then, to avoid confusion.'

'This is a real concern, Snape,' Bill Weasley said. 'We didn't meet here for fun.'

'Why me?' Snape asked. 'Or is it that my hands are muddied enough from dallying with the Dark Forces that a little more won't matter?'

'Someone will go with you,' Dumbledore replied. 'You will not be left to work alone, Severus.'

'I think I can just about manage,' Snape sneered as he looked around them, cursing inwardly for allowing himself to be tricked into picking up a gauntlet that he should have left on the floor. 'There isn't anyone here I feel I want to work with any more than they want to work with me.'

'Why don't you just listen for a moment, Snape?' Black suggested.

'You're bottom of the list, Black, let me assure you.'

'Shut up for a minute, you arrogant fuck,' Sirius said, and stopped short in realisation of the words he had used ... but it was too late.

Severus felt his heart actually falter, as though someone had twisted a fist around it. 'Fascinating turn of phrase, Black,' he whispered, as he dragged himself to his feet, unsurprised to find he was actually shaking.

*****

Sirius felt as though someone had thrown a bucket of cold water at him, or hit him with a cricket bat. He had been so careful, so casual, measuring every glance, and making sure he only gave Severus the few antagonistic glares he would expect.

He'd made sure Snape wasn't looking at him as he watched the way almost everyone ignored him when he came in, the way he sat at the bottom of the table as though he didn't want to be there and nobody else wanted him there either. It made him wonder why Severus ever bothered to turn up; if people had treated Sirius like that he knew he wouldn't have bothered his arse with them, Dark Lord or not. He almost understood what had turned Snape towards the Death Eaters in the first place, when he had been little more than a boy; he'd been treated in the same way since he'd been a child. Perhaps when he was with the Death Eaters at least Voldemort had acknowledged he was of some value.

And yet, even with the bad feeling of all of the Order, and the people he worked with, and the outright hostility and mistrust with which he was viewed, he had never faltered. He had even killed Dumbledore, the last act of outrage to the wizarding world, the one that sealed opinions in the eyes of others ... whilst behind their backs he and Harry saved their kind. Sirius had a sickening feeling that although Harry had been feted like the conquering hero he was, no one had ever bothered to say thank you to Snape; he knew he hadn't.

Sirius had found himself becoming more and more anxious to get the meeting over; he wanted to go back to Hogwarts, he wanted to be with him. He just wished Severus would stop putting up objections to what he was going to do anyway, just wished he'd listen and accept what he had to do; it wasn't as though it was particularly dangerous, and someone would go with him. Sirius had fully intended to be that someone; he had a bit of work to do on that though, he admitted to himself.

And then it had just slipped out; he had only been trying to hurry him on, just two words. He'd never used them before a few days ago; there had never been anyone worthy of that particular endearment in his life before now.

Arrogant fuck, just two words to send the lot crumbling about his ears.

'What's wrong?' Harry asked from the sink, when it became obvious that Snape wasn't talking about anything to do with the meeting. 'Fuck sake, it's only a throwaway remark, Severus; it doesn't mean anything. Stop taking things so personally.'

'You're right, Potter; it doesn't mean anything. That much is now patently obvious,' Severus said quietly as he turned away. 'You have surpassed yourself this time, Black. I was quite taken in,' he said over his shoulder, as he passed out of the room into the hall and out into Grimmauld Place.

Harry flung the tea towel he was holding into the sink. 'I'll go after him,' he snapped at Sirius, 'if you promise to keep that mouth shut for a change.'

Sirius didn't know why he should be surprised; he'd realised a while back that Snape and Harry had come to some sort of aggressively grudging acceptance of one another. You didn't fight with a man, holding him up as he held you up in the way they had, to go back to a war over nothing. 'Just leave him, Harry. Let him cool off.'

'Maybe he's not well,' Harry objected.

'Just leave him, Harry,' Sirius repeated.

*****