Stand by Your Man

THE DAILY PROPHET

The Daily Prophet has received several letters complaining about the ‘speciesist’ attitude of Special Correspondent Rita Skeeter. In response to this, we are delighted to announce the launch of a new column exploring the highs and lows of the ‘lifestyle challenged’. In our first interview, Rita talks to Nymphadora Tonks-Lupin about the joys of being a werewolf-wife.

Thank you for agreeing to speak to me, Mrs Lupin.

Wotcha, Rita!

So, Nymphadora…

Tonks.

Tonks. It must be very difficult, living with a man who turns onto a ravening beast once a month.

You’re kidding! There are loads of advantages over having a non-lycanthropic lover.

Really? Do tell!

Well… if I get a bit shirty with him, he NEVER asks if it’s my “time of the month”. And he never complains I’m too hairy when I forget to shave my legs.

Hmm, dear Remus is obviously a “new man”. But don’t you get terribly lonely in… you know… those weeks?

No! I actually get proper “me time”. I get to lounge in the bath for hours and eat a family-sized bar of chocolate without anyone tutting or rolling their eyes. And I can read celebrity magazines without anyone asking whether, as an Auror, I ought to read something more news-worthy than Heat – yes, Dawlish, I like Muggle gossip rags; get over it and find something else to do with your lunch-hour other than harassing me!

Sounds heavenly. Now tell me, Nympha… er, Tonks, what’s he like in the, um, bedroom department? Is he a bit of an animal?

Well, Rita, I’ll put it like this – if you think the make-up-sex is good after you’ve had a row, imagine what it’s like when your man’s been sleeping in the cellar for a week!

Dirty, by the sounds of it.

In more ways than one. And the bathroom gets pretty steamy too, believe me!

Well… er… I think we’ll leave it there – thank you, Tonks. This is Rita Skeeter, signing off, with – let’s face it – a bit of a crush now, actually!

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A/N: Prompt from Muse Amusant: Tonks dishes about the perks of being married to a werewolf.

Rita’s last line is from the film “Bridget Jones’s Diary”.