Autumn Bluebirds

Transfiguration class had passed by in a haze for Luna. It was usually one of her favorite classes, but she couldn't stop thinking about Draco. What did he really think about what he'd seen in her mind? She wished now that she hadn't been a coward and avoided looking at him, so she could have watched his face and been sure. She had thought seeing his disgust would be the worst thing, but now she realized the worst thing was that she would never know if his face had held disgust at all, or ... Or what? What had she wanted to see on his face? Not pity, that was for sure. Not compassion; she did not expect empathy from Draco. Maybe just acknowledgement. Maybe she hoped for affirmation of the moment in her life when she had felt the most alone in this world. It was the moment when she had first seen death and realized everything does not stay the same, as much as we might wish it would. She hoped that he could just be in that memory and not judge her. She hoped he could just be there in solidarity with her since he, too, knew what pain was.

He couldn't help it any more than she could have. He couldn't change what happened. But when she had been in his memory she'd felt his courage. He had a strong mind. She hoped that since she had shared her memory with him, he could just have it inside his head now, too, and he would be the other person who held that memory now. Maybe now she wouldn't be stuck there alone over and over, every time she was drawn back to that vision. Ah, but maybe all this was just another of her fanciful thoughts, a sad daydream that was very unlikely. And it was a sad daydream that got her in trouble with Professor McGonagall.

"Miss Lovegood," she heard the Professor say. "Might I suggest that the next time you are in my class you attempt to participate in the lesson? I will be forced to give you zero credit for the practice exercise for today." Startled, Luna looked around her. In front of her was a footstool and on every other desk, all of them long since abandoned by the students, there was a turtle. "Oh, Professor, I'm sorry," Luna said softly. "I'm really very sorry."

"Luna," Professor McGonagall said in a gentler voice, "I could see in your eyes today that you were flustered and upset. I am here if you want to talk to me. But I still must hold you accountable to an academic standard. It's for your own benefit, dear. Please try to bring your best effort to our next class. You are one of my most talented students in Transfiguration."

"Thank you, Professor," Luna answered morosely. "I'm sorry I disappointed you. I'll try very carefully not to do it again."

"There's a girl, Luna," said Professor McGonagall with a gentle smile. "Is there anything you want to talk to me about?"

"No, ma'am. But thank you." Professor McGonagall gave a small nod and turned away. Then Luna spoke again and she turned back to face the girl. "Actually, I had a question about bluebirds."

The following week Legilimency lessons were academic rather than practical, to provide students ample time to complete the extensive and detailed writing assignment Professor Snape had assigned about wizarding laws regarding the appropriate use of Legilimency. Snape had lectured for nearly the complete class period, the whole time keeping on as if quite put out to have to be there at all. He had begun on his diatribe as soon as they were seated and concluded the class by describing the offending assignment which would be due in one month's time, abruptly announcing that the class was dismissed, and storming out the door.

Luna had been taking notes so furiously that she hadn't had the chance she'd hoped for to talk to Draco or even look at him. If she were to be honest, she wouldn't be able to think of a single thing to say until she saw the way he looked at her. If he looked at her like she was nothing, well, then things were the same as they'd always been. If he looked at her like she was the south end of a northbound slug, then she would know he was disgusted by her feelings. But if he looked at her like he saw her...well, she didn't dare to hope that could be true. Because that meant he was the other person with her memory and he didn't hate her. But after class this week, again, she only caught sight of his back as he retreated from the room. Damn.

Draco had put a lot of thought into Luna Lovegood. He watched her. But he was very careful to make sure no one knew that he watched her, most especially Luna herself. He never saw her talking with anyone in the hallways except occasionally the Weasley girl. And even then it was really just the Weasley girl prattling on and on and Luna interjecting a word here and there. He didn't see her too much in his regular schedule so he had to start going round the long way to some of his classes to catch a glimpse.

He had nearly been found out one day when Pansy Parkinson noticed him striding down the hall that led to the tower stairwell for Divination class, but he had turned her curiosity back on her by telling her he was headed to see Madam Pomfrey, which he'd hurriedly realized was about the only other thing he knew of that was along about this part of the castle. His teeth were clenched the whole time he gave his lame excuse, because it amounted to admitting that he was unwell, that he was weak. Malfoys did not go to the nurse. Bleeding Mudbloods went to the nurse to get put back together. But that was better than having his real mission found out. He silently berated himself, determined to have a cover story already worked out when he next decided to go out following Luna.

He had been driving himself batty thinking about her. He knew what classes she had, and if he were to be honest, that was about all he had found out. She didn't have any mutual friends with him, of course, but that meant there was no one he could casually get information from. The idea he kept coming back to was that if he wanted to get to know Luna, he was going to have to do it by talking directly to Luna. And that he did not know if he was willing to do. Frustrated, he dragged his hands through his hair. He had been up since dawn pacing across his room, back and forth past the foot of his bed. There was nothing for it. He was going to have to face the trifling girl.

With a growl he dropped his head back and closed his eyes. So much for Slytherin cunning, he thought, with a sneer tugging at the corner of his mouth. He was going to go to Hogsmeade today, hoping to forget he had ever felt Luna inside his mind and relived his darkest humiliation in front of her. He was going to pretend everything was okay. And then tomorrow he would get his wits about him and find her. He would track her down and talk to her. He would face her at last.

Draco had never thought much about the walk to Hogsmeade, he realized as he set out on it alone. He was up so early that he was one of the first ones in the Great Hall for breakfast, and he was out and on his way before most of the students had finished eating. The air was cold and the trees all wore their brightest autumn plumage. It was a lovely day despite the chilling breeze.

He was giving himself a pep talk about how he wasn't going to think about Luna at all today when he spotted her. Bloody hell. She was sitting on a stone bridge that spanned the shallow creek. She was wearing a pink coat and blue jeans and silly pink track shoes on her feet, which were swinging back and forth. She was looking off into the distance. He snorted. Yeah, that was the Luna he was used to seeing. This could be his opportunity to talk to her, he thought. She was right there; it was just her and him.

He gazed at her. Her hair was flattened to her head with a pale pink knitted hat, and the cold air had brought a pink to her cheeks to outdo her winter wear. She was pretty, he thought. Her eyes slipped over to him as if reluctant to leave the point in the sky that had transfixed her. "Oh, hello, Draco," she called softly.

"Luna," he answered gruffly. "Did you lose your way to town?" The words sort of fell out of his mouth of their own accord. They managed to sound halfway between taunting and a genuine question.

"Oh, no," she answered. "I know the way." Her response left him a little confused. She apparently had taken him literally, and her simple response left the conversation flat. There was no natural response he could make to what she'd said.

"Glad to hear it," he replied at last, and he tried to lace his words with sarcasm to cover his discomfort. He stared at her for another few moments before turning back towards the town and continuing on. She had smiled contentedly at him the whole time, saying nothing. This girl was going to drive him mad. He berated himself for his social ineptitude. He could work his way through crowded ballrooms, greeting family acquaintances and meeting esteemed guests with practiced ease, but it felt so awkward trying to get to know this slip of a girl he felt he already knew from the inside out.

He was just up to the bend in the road and was turning back, determined to go to her and try again, when he saw Ginny Weasley and Dean Thomas walk up to Luna, who jumped down from her perch. The pair were holding hands, and it occurred to Draco that they had probably planned to go to town together as a group. Ginny and Dean were making cow-eyes at one another, and Luna said something he couldn't hear. Ginny turned to her in question but Luna just nodded and gave her a smile. Ginny turned to Dean with a sickening love-struck expression and the two started towards Draco.

He darted around the bend so they wouldn't see that he was ahead of them and realize he had been watching their whole exchange with Luna. This must be what the red-haired girl had been babbling on about to Luna in the hallways, a schoolgirl crush on Dean. Draco sneered. But what about Luna? It seemed she had been waiting for them. Ah...suddenly it dawned on him. Luna had been waiting for the girl Weasley, but when she arrived she had Dean in tow. He must have asked to accompany Ginny to Hogsmeade, and Luna, seeing she would be the third wheel, bowed out and let the couple go on without her. That selfish git, he silently cursed Ginny. She was leaving Luna all alone. But . . . wasn't that the same thing he was doing? He hadn't asked Luna to go along with him. He hadn't even considered it until he realized she was being abandoned by her friend.

He stopped in his tracks and let out an exasperated sigh. Disgruntled by his own feeling of unease, he turned on his heel and started back towards the castle and Luna. But then he thought about having to pass Weasley and Thomas on the way back at this early hour of the morning. It would seem odd. Too odd, he supposed. So he pivoted again on his heel, starting to feel like a toy soldier doing marching drills. He was also starting to feel absolutely shirty about his predicament. Since when did a Malfoy languish in indecision? No, he was going to pull himself together. He had intended to clear his mind today, but suddenly he realized he wasn't going to feel any relief for his unease until he talked to Luna.

And Luna was just a girl, he reasoned, growing more confident as he thought it through. He knew a thing or two about girls. Luna wasn't like all the other girls around the school, that was true. There were judgmental girls, foolish girls, the adoring fans of Scarhead, and conniving girls from his own House of Slytherin, none of whom had particularly sparked his interest. But he caught girls looking at him with doe-eyes. He had dated. He'd heard his friends talking about their girlfriends. He knew girls liked to have attention paid to them. He'd overheard some girls gushing something about being made to feel like they were the only person in the world, whatever that meant. He supposed it just meant he had to make Luna feel like there was no one else he would rather be talking to. Not like Ginny, who made plans with her but really wanted to be with Dean. Well, that would be easy enough since in truth he only wanted to be with Luna. In fact, the thought of any of his housemates interrupting had him grinding his teeth in frustration. He had himself in quite a state over this girl. Well, no more. There was no need to get worked up. He would just apply a little Malfoy charm and some Slytherin cunning and this whole situation would fall neatly into place. He hoped.

Luna was enjoying the cold, quiet morning. She had agreed to go to Hogsmeade with Ginny and help her catch the eye of Dean Thomas, the boy Ginny had a huge crush on. Luna sighed. It had been difficult to give Ginny her full attention in the past week because she had been so caught up with thoughts of Draco Malfoy. She had tried to follow Ginny's rapid chattering and nod encouragingly, but she only caught part of what was being said. No matter, she thought; she would give Ginny her full attention today.

Her mouth tugged up at the corners in a dreamy smile. She had decided to take the day off from worrying about Draco. Oh, he was something to smile about, all right, but her thoughts had been drifting to him more and more. She'd even started thinking she saw him in the hallways, even though she knew he didn't have the same classes as her. She wasn't going to confront him, though. She was a patient person. And she knew he was proud. She might just be imagining a connection between them, in any case. He might not give her so much as a passing glance.

Just as she was thinking this and trying to keep her errant thoughts in order, she glanced back towards the castle to see if Ginny had appeared yet. She froze, startled to see none other than Draco himself headed swiftly towards her. The sun was making his platinum hair all the brighter in contrast to his black jumper and slacks. Luna made no effort to turn away, and her face lit up with a smile. She was genuinely pleased to see him. He seemed confounded by her but not disgusted. After they had exchanged a few words he carried on towards the village, and she stayed where she was to wait for Ginny. She was sublimely happy now that she knew Draco would still look her in the eyes and that he could still stand talking to her.

Just a few minutes later Ginny did appear with Dean in tow, and Luna's Saturday was neatly freed up. She liked Hogsmeade well enough, but it was nature she was craving. She wanted to feel ground softer than stone corridors under her feet, feel a breeze sweeter than the stale castle air. She loved living at Hogwarts, of course, but she missed the freedom of living a more private, isolated existence. The Forbidden Forest was off-limits, but there was still the lake. She headed there, not disappointed in the least to have the day to herself.