Confessions

"Deep in my heart I'm concealing things that I'm longing to say. Scared to confess what I'm feeling - frightened you'll slip away."

~ Madonna

~*~*~*~*~

The Samhain bonfires burned hot and bright across the grounds below as Cara made her way up the winding staircase of the Astronomy Tower. She'd had enough of the dancing, the singing, and the absolute lack of decorum amongst the students attending the yearly celebration. She herself had broken up four make-out sessions...one of which included more than two people...six fist fights, two cat fights, and had stopped no less than twelve students from spiking the punch.

Even if her shift had not been nearly finished, she was done babysitting, and she had been none too subtle when she let Minerva in on that fact. The erratic twitch in her right eye as she had dragged two students to the Headmistress – two students who had managed to accidentally charm themselves into a very awkward position – may have clued the Headmistress in to Cara's current state of mind.

Thankfully, Minerva had merely taken the two unfortunates in hand and waved Cara off with the other. The younger witch had taken her leave quickly, lest she be asked to assist in untangling the pair.

Now she was on her way to a beautiful, if slightly chilly, view of the stars. Sadly, she would be alone in her stargazing venture. She had wanted to invite Severus, but their altercation earlier in the week had put a damper on those plans. Besides, she hadn't seen him at all tonight, or during the rest of the day for that matter. He must be off doing...

"Whoever you are... I suggest you leave."

Cara squealed, clutching her hand to her chest. Her rapidly beating heart threatened to burst from her ribcage as she hissed, "Jesus Christ! Severus Snape, I could murder you!! Fuck..."

She had just taken a deep breath to steady her nerves when she heard a strange, unfamiliar sound.

It was like dark chocolate wrapped in velvet, heavy, rich, and thick. Soon enough, she realized he was laughing at her, the bastard. Oh, he must be well into his cups.

Severus' mirth ended just as quickly as it had begun. It was replaced with a resigned sigh. "What do you want?"

She shook her head. "Nothing," she replied, walking towards the alcove that his voice drifted from. She found him sitting alone, save for a small silver flask. He was peering out through the rails of the banister at the festivities below, but something told her that he wasn't seeing anything.

A noncommittal grunt was his only reply as he raised the flask to his lips and drank deeply.

Despite the anger she still felt towards him for his earlier trespasses, Cara's brow furrowed in concern. He seemed... off somehow. Gone were the biting sarcasm and the razor-sharp tongue; instead, before her sat a man who seemed... sad.

Sighing, she moved forward and bumped his arm with the back of her hand. "Scoot."

After a long, slightly off-kilter glare, Severus gave a deep, put-upon sigh and moved over, allowing her to settle down beside him. The wall was warm from where his body had pressed against it, and she smiled slightly as she pulled her legs up and sat back. She wrapped her arms around her knees in an attempt to shut out the chilly night air, cursing herself for leaving her cloak in her rooms.

When Severus remained stubbornly silent, Cara decided to cast the first stone. "It's beautiful tonight, don't you think?"

He glanced away from the flask, his eyes flicking briefly to the blanket of stars twinkling in the cold night air, and shrugged. "I suppose... if one enjoys such things."

Cara snorted at his response, only to get a glare in return. "Don't look at me; I came up here to look at the stars, not get sloshed."

"Indeed." His features tightened after a moment, and he appeared as if he were going to say something. It never came, however, and he stood abruptly and walked away from her. He stopped at the next alcove and leaned heavily against the outer rail, looking straight down the side of the tower. His dark hair shimmered with blue highlights as he rocked his weight back and forth from his hands to his feet.

Cara watched him with a certain level of concern. Being sad and being drunk were never a good combination, at least in her experience. Still, she was angry with him, she reminded herself, and the petty child in her couldn't resist.

"If you're going to fling yourself over, better to get a running start, don't you think?" she said dryly.

He stopped his rocking, and she saw his hands tighten on the bannister. "Why are you here?" he asked, repeating his earlier question.

"Like I said, to look at the stars. Besides, if I have to pull another pair of students off each other, I was going to murder someone before the end of the festival."

She saw him flinch at her statement, his head bowing between his arms, and wondered at the reaction. "Festival," he said after a moment, shaking his head. "What a bloody waste of time."

"Everyone else is enjoying themselves," she said with a wave of her hand. "Anyway, why are you up here, Severus?"

He spread his arms, and the moonlight glinted off the flask in his hand. "Enjoying the stars," he replied, voice dripping with sarcasm.

Cara simply glared at him before bowing her head in resignation. Now was obviously not the time to try and lure him into conversation. She stood and brushed herself off. "Alright then... enjoy your evening."

She swept past him quickly enough that she didn't hear him sigh, nor see him pinch the bridge of his nose in frustration. She also didn't hear him call to her softly as she started down the stairs.

It was not until she heard him call, "Cara!" from the top of the stairs that she stopped. In all the time they had spent together, he had only used her name once, and he was furious at the time. This alone made her turn and look back. He was nothing but a slim silhouette in the darkness, backlit by the moon.

She watched as his hands moved to the railing, his head bowing as he reluctantly waited for her to reply.

What if he wanted to talk to her, but simply didn't know how? Stomping down on her pride, Cara slowly made her way back to the top of the stairs. Her hand came to rest on the railing, so near his that she could feel the heat radiating from it.

She waited, simply standing with him as he worked up the courage to speak. Finally, when Cara was starting to think she had misjudged the situation, he said, "I lost someone... someone I... cared for very much... on this night, many years ago now."

"Who was she?" she asked quietly, truly interested in the kind of woman – for reasons best left unsaid – that could tear down this harsh man's defenses so easily.

Severus stared at her for a moment, as if considering what to say, but instead of answering Cara's question, he chose to turn away and walk back to the rail. "Who is the child?" he countered.

She knew she was being utterly selfish with her next words, but she was still well and truly angry with him. "That's none of your business, Severus."

He snorted and took a pull from the flask, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. "Then neither is she."

Something tightened in Cara's chest, something that overrode the anger, and it frightened her because she didn't want to feel it... had absolutely no right to feel it.

Jealousy.

She was jealous of a woman she had never met, a woman she knew nothing about except for the fact that Severus Snape had cared deeply for her – had loved her even.

Unable to bring herself to leave again, and selfishly wanting to satisfy her own morbid curiosity at the same time, she asked, "Why do you care? You had no right... no right... to go through my things, Severus. It was none of your business... and if you had taken the time to stop and think for one minute, you might have realized that I didn't want you to know about her yet!" Cara's chest heaved with emotion.

"Yet?" he asked, his voice tinged with something Cara didn't want to name, even as he continued to stare out into the night.

Fuck...

She had pretty much admitted her intentions towards him with that one statement. He was a clever man, after all.

"Yes, Severus, yet." Cara ran a frustrated hand through her unruly hair. "Jesus... if you must know... and I can't believe I'm telling you this since it's entirely your fault we're angry with each other..." Cara sighed loudly. "She's my daughter. Her name is Charlotte, and she's six years old."

Severus stood and turned to face her. His expression was angry, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. Instead, and it may have been the darkness playing tricks on her, but Cara thought they held a look that could only be described of as hurt.

"Why have you never mentioned her before?" he asked softly, his gaze locked with hers.

Cara laughed cynically. "Why does it matter, Severus?"

She saw his eyes change at her statement; the hurt was replaced by a look of utter bewilderment. His mouth opened, but shut just as quickly, as if he feared what he might say next. Turning sharply on his heel, he stormed to the edge of the tower and threw the flask out into the darkness with all his might. A low growl ripped from his throat as he gripped the railing once more, his head bowed deeply between his outstretched arms.

She took a cautious step towards him. "Severus?" she asked again, pointedly this time. "Why does it matter? Please?"

It was the 'please' that did him in. He threw up his hands in exasperation, a manic laugh escaping in a loud rasp. "Merlin, Cara... because she's yours!"

"What?" Cara said, truly taken aback by his statement.

His hands had dropped to his sides, and he wouldn't meet her gaze. Instead, he stared at the flagstones of the tower floor, moving back and forth like a nervous teenager. He sighed, giving himself over to his fate. "I care... because she's yours. Because for some strange, inexplicable reason I..." He started to turn away again, but she stepped forward and grabbed his arm, forcing him to look at her.

"You what, Severus?"

Don't be a coward, Severus thought to himself. Do it while you have the courage. "I am... fond... of you, Cara. Very much so... but there's..."

"Who was she?" Cara asked again as understanding washed over her. Her hand remained on his arm, but her grip loosened, her fingers resting lightly against the black wool.

After a long moment, so long that Cara didn't think he was going to answer, he spoke softly, "She was... everything."

Cara's heart clenched in her chest, and again her unexpected reaction frightened her immensely.

"I'm so sorry, Severus," she whispered, dropping her hand from his arm.

"Are you?" he sneered back.

"Yes," she said forcibly. "You are not the only person in this world who's lost someone, you know... only I quit wallowing a long time ago."

"I am not wallowing!" he bellowed, pointing his finger in her face.

She slapped it away, and she would have laughed at the expression of utter shock on his face had he not been so furious. "Bullshit!" she said. "Why don't you just throw yourself over the edge, and save us all the trouble of watching you feel sorry for yourself."

His face was furious. He slowly brought his finger back to its place beneath her nose. "I. Am not. Wallowing." He said each word with deadly clarity.

She poked her own finger back into his chest. "Yes. You. Are."

They stared at each other, both breathing hard. Surprisingly, he broke away first, his anger leaving in a rush that seemed to deflate him at least three inches. He turned away with a dismissive wave. "Leave, Cara. I find that I'm no longer in the mood for company."

Cara opened her mouth, the urge to flay him alive for his rudeness barely containable. She shut her mouth, forcing her words back down.

Instead, she looked to the rational side of herself. What would make her feel better if it were her in the situation? Well, she and Severus were hardly the same people, but...

Hmm, she thought. I wonder...

Making up her mind, she rushed forward and grabbed him by the hand. "Come with me. We have a lot to discuss, and I refuse to do it up here," she said as she turned to pull him back down the stairs.

"Are you mad?!" he hissed. "Let go!" He tried to pull his hand from hers, but she held fast, and before he could stop her, she had pulled him down the stairs and into the main corridor.

"If you want to know about Charlotte, you'll come with me," she said as she pulled him down another set of stairs.

Hoping that he was too surprised and drunk to stop her, and that he wasn't simply biding his time so he could more easily hex her, she pulled him along until they reached the stables. Once there she pulled her wand and unlocked the doors.

Surprisingly, Severus simply stood behind her as she worked, watching with a raised brow. His curiosity had obviously outweighed his ire. Once finished, Cara slipped inside for a moment before sticking her head out and beckoning to him. "Come on!" she whispered.

He came slowly, warily slipping inside as Cara shut the heavy door behind them. "What exactly are we doing?" he said softly.

"Nothing forbidden, Mr. Deputy Head, sir," she whispered back. "We are teachers at this establishment, aren't we?"

A noncommittal grunt was his only reply.

The man could communicate in grunts alone if he had to, she thought.

A moment later, and she had stopped in front of one of the stalls and was talking softly to the beast therein. Severus came up and leaned against the stall opposite, watching her speak to Onyx. The horse snorted softly at her before pricking his ears in Severus' direction, as if suddenly taking an interest in the wizard. Cara looked over her shoulder to where Severus stood. She smiled.

"Yes, him too," she said to the beast.

Severus narrowed his eyes at Cara. He had a feeling he wasn't going to like what she had in mind. It was confirmed when she opened the stall and slipped inside, snagging the horse's bridle from where it hung on the door. Faster than he could blink, she had the bridle on and had somehow managed to fling herself up on his back. The horse walked out at Cara's urging, snuffling at his shirt briefly. Severus took a step back.

"Uh-uh... come," Cara said as she held out her hand to him.

Both eyebrows hit his hairline this time. "You're joking..." He eyed her warily from where she sat bareback atop Onyx. Her robes had ridden up as she straddled the beast; her thighs were ghostly pale against his dark coat.

She shook her head, her hand still extended. "No, not at all. A midnight ride is just the thing to take our minds off our troubles."

"I think not," he said, and moved to step past Onyx.

Cara sighed and shook her head. "Why must you always do things the hard way," she mumbled to herself. Reaching up her sleeve, she pulled her wand, murmured a short spell, and then quickly secured it back up her sleeve just as Severus found himself unceremoniously planted behind her on Onyx.

"What the bloody hell..." he started to say, and moved to swing down off the horse.

Cara was faster, however. "Imithe," she whispered quickly. Onyx surged forward, causing Severus to grab reflexively for Cara's waist, lest he end up on his back on the cobblestone floor. The far doors opened for them and Onyx galloped into the cool night air.

"Are you insane, woman?!" Severus yelled in her ear, even as his hands tightened around her waist.

Cara only laughed madly and urged the horse faster. Onyx complied, and they tore down the path to the lake. The night air whipped her hair around her face, and her legs were soon chilled to the bone where her robes had ridden up. She knew he must be cold as well, but she didn't stop the horse. It would do him good to get away from the castle tonight.

As they rounded the far end of the lake, she turned Onyx to the right, and headed him up the path that led to the oak they had shared those many weeks ago. Cara slowed Onyx from a gallop to a slow lope as they came over the hill. The tight crush of Severus' hands around her waist loosened a bit, but he still held on rather tightly. She could feel the heat from his body where he pressed against her, his hips rolling into her backside as he moved with the motion of the horse, and... oh.

Oh indeed, she thought wickedly. Apparently the motion of the horse and the close proximity she had forced them into had taken its toll on the poor man. Apparently he had noticed his... predicament as well, as he was making a decided effort to not touch her with anything other than his hands. He was failing miserably. Smirking to herself, she slowed Onyx to a walk, granting him the reprieve he so desperately seemed to need.

That's not all he desperately needs, her inner voice quipped as he pushed as far away from her as he could get and still stay on the horse.

"Alright there, Severus?" she asked, looking back over her shoulder at him.

"If you call being kidnapped on horseback by a deranged witch and then freezing my bollocks off in the process, then yes, I'm fine."

She simply couldn't help herself, and the words were out of her mouth before she could stop them. "Well, they didn't feel frozen to me..." she said innocently.

His discomfiture was obvious even though she couldn't see his face. Thankfully, they made it to the oak tree before he found his voice. As soon as the horse stopped, he slid off and stumbled up the hill. He sat down heavily, watching her slide down and give the horse a pat before moving to sit next to him.

Onyx moved off to graze quietly, and Cara turned to him.

"So," she asked, "do you come here often?"

He could only shake his head and look away. Cara huffed at him and turned to look out at the view before them. The sky was crystal-clear and sprinkled liberally with thousands upon thousands of tiny glittering stars. "How can you say that's not beautiful?" she asked, indicating the view with a wave of her hand.

He was silent for a moment, his eyes scanning the heavens, the stars glittering in his dark eyes. "I never said it wasn't," he answered finally.

"You said you didn't enjoy such things. Is that not the same thing?"

"Of course not."

"How so?" She looked back out, oblivious to the calculating look he was giving her.

"The fact that I do not particularly enjoy something, or fawn over it like some idiot teenage boy, does not mean that I do not think it beautiful." He continued to stare at her, whereas she continued to stare at the stars. "I think the view is breathtaking."

"I'm glad you can at least appreciate it, even if you don't particularly enjoy stargazing."

They sat in silence for a while before Cara spoke again.

"What do you enjoy, Severus? Besides frightening students and getting smashed?"

He snorted at her, wishing like hell he hadn't thrown his flask away in a fit of pique. Maybe it was for the best; he really was a bit drunk now. He must be, otherwise he would have never said the words that sprang to his lips. "Sex," he answered.

She sputtered and choked on her wine, and Severus was forced to slide closer and give her a few swift pats on the back.

"Well, that's a first. A man usually buys me dinner before propositioning me."

He shrugged. "A bloke can try..."

She laughed good-naturedly. She sobered after a moment, looking at him again. "Really though... what do you like to do in your spare time?"

The urge to talk was once again overwhelming. He was still angry with Cara for her secretiveness, but he knew that she would not betray his confidence. Perhaps it was the alcohol, perhaps it was his guilt for betraying her trust, or perhaps it was just the fact that no other person on the planet cared about him... truly cared, that made him start talking.

"I wasn't lying; I really do enjoy sex."

She snorted at him. "Okay, fair enough. Sex is... good," she nodded. "With the right person," she emphasized. "Other times..." She trailed off, shrugging as she sipped her wine again.

Severus cocked his head. "Other times... what?"

She shook her head. "Other times it's just a quick fumble and a half-hearted 'thanks' afterwards. Nothing to brag about."

"Mmm..." he said noncommittally.

"What?"

"Nothing... only it sounds like you have a bit of experience with the... other times." Yes, he was definitely drunk or he would never have been so forward.

"Really?" she replied, turning to face him fully. "And are you implying that all your sexual experiences were earth-shattering moments of orgasmic bliss? No quick, sloppy blowjobs in secluded alcoves? No five-minute shags in a dingy hotel room? No hand jobs behind the greenhouse?"

Surprisingly, all Severus heard was 'five-minute shag' out of everything Cara said. "Five minutes? I'm not a decrepit old man, I'll have you know. No..." He pointed his finger in her face. "...each and every witch that has sought me out over the last year has gotten exactly what she bargained for."

"And what is that exactly?" Cara fought to suppress a grin; how the conversation had gone off in this direction, she had no idea.

"A damn good rogering, that's what..."

She laughed. "Ah, so you're a ladies man."

He snorted. "No... more like a ladies disappointment."

"But you just said they got what they came for?"

"Oh, they get what they initially came for... but then they want... other things." His lip twisted in disgust. "They want to... stay... to talk... as if I'd divulge my deepest, darkest secrets to them just because they let me have a bit of trim."

Cara cocked her head thoughtfully, a wry smile splitting her face. What did that say about the two of them then? He had probably talked to her more in the last couple of months than any other woman he'd encountered recently.

"Now Severus, there's nothing wrong with a cuddle. Psychotherapists say that it's good for the soul to have human contact." She slid a bit closer.

He saw her coming, but deigned not to move. When her shoulder pressed against his, he stiffened momentarily, before relaxing and leaning against her. He sensed that this was the moment he needed to say something to her.

"Cara..."

"Yes?" she replied, still unused to the sound of her name on his lips.

"I'm... sorry. I'm sorry I broke into your rooms and went through your things." He bent his head, long fingers pulling at the slightly moist grass. "I was simply upset that you had left without saying anything, and I was... hurt."

Cara didn't say anything. When he started talking like this, it was best to let him finish, or else risk him walling everything up again.

"I've been very... confused... over the last few weeks. I find that... surprisingly... I enjoy our talks, and even your blasted company." He huffed, shaking his head. "You have succeeded in making me give a damn about another person again... and in truth, it scares the hell out of me."

She turned to face him then, reaching out to push his hair back behind his ear in order to better see his face. "Do you think this is easy for me? I haven't been this close to a man since..." She trailed off, sighing, and let her forehead fall against his shoulder.

"Since?" Severus prodded gently, while secretly relishing the feel of her weight against him.

"You know, I just realized how much you don't actually know about me, or I you."

"Isn't that what you dragged me out here for; so that we could divulge our deepest and darkest secrets to one another?"

"Are you offering? And to think... I didn't even offer to sleep with you yet."

"Were you going to?" he asked, managing to sound innocently confused.

She chuckled and slapped him on the leg. "No, you ass... besides, it's way too cold for shagging on the grass."

"You seem to forget that you're a witch..." He waved his hand and a warm, cozy feeling settled over the both of them.

"Oh, much better."

They sat in silence once more.

"So, who goes first?" she asked after a while.

"Well, since it was your idea, I would say you have the first go."

"Fair enough." She settled herself more firmly against him, not protesting when he moved his arm hesitantly around her shoulders as she started to speak.

~ TBC

A/N: Geez, it's been forever. Seriously. I'm a derp. But I love you!

Next up: Cara's story.