Dear Ms. Luvsev,

I am greatly disturbed by your confession that you have read this abysmal account not once, not twice, but several times.  Unlike fine wine or cheese, which improve when aged, this story merely festers, much like mayonnaise, spoiled cabbage, or rotten eggs.

I recommend you try two doses of Bolivian Brain Bleach Beverage.  That should be sufficient to restore your senses to their proper state.

Sincerely,

Severus Snape

Ms.

,Finally, a review I can agree with. These are very bad people indeed. I suggest you shun all associations with them. I am puzzled by your reference to distant inquiries regarding your laughter. Please do not, however, feel a need to explain it to me.Sincerely,Severus SnapeP.S. When dogged with distant inquiries I am ill-inclined to answer, I find a simple Distraction Charm works wonders.

Dear

,Your friend is clearly sick and twisted. I suggest you break all points of contact, change your wards, and cast spells to avert any owls.I am exceedingly thankful that I do not associate with anyone so obviously deranged. Even Lucius Malfoy is not so unhinged.Warily,Severus Snape

Ms. Chivalric,While I might agree that hot and funny could be the perfect combination, I'm not sure how that relates to this sordid situation.Bewildered,Severus Snape

*lol* Found your bewilderment several years later and re-read the story. It is still hot. And it is still funny. Which part bewilders you?

Ms.

,Is it not enough that I've been subjected to the rampant distribution of this sordid tale over the internet during my convalesence? But then you refer to me as 'batman', which I must assume is a reference to that most unwelcome moniker 'Bat of the Dungeons'. This simply adds insult to injury.Peevishly,Severus Snape

Ms. Kimjo2,The Perfect Blend results in a potion that shimmers like starlight, tastes of perfection, and induces euphoria. This work, however, had the aftertaste of badly pickled rhinocerous testicles and left me vomiting for three days straight. It was by no means the Perfect Blend.Quesily,Severus Snape

Ms. Faeriebell, I assure you this was neither awesome nor funny nor hot. I suggest you consult your dictionary for the meaning of those words and reconsider your opinion.Sincerely,Severus Snape

Dear Ms. Snitchette,I cannot possibly understand what you mean. Please do not feel the need to enlighten me. I shall simply assume the moaning means that you have a poltergeist or boggart lurking in your wardrobe.Sincerely,Severus Snape

Dear

,Perhaps you should reconsider what constitutes 'hot'. What precisely was 'hot' about this story? The revolting images of Weasley's bits? The part where my subconscious  forced two of my pupils to copulate? Or was it said students' repeated invasion of my person, including the inept attempt at buggery by an overexcited human Labrador?Just wondering. On second thought, please don't tell me. I'm quite certain I don't wish to know your sexual kinks.Severus Snape 

Dear

,I believe Ms. Granger's nightwear changed to suit my mind's fancy. I sincerely hope the psychological counseling provided here at St. Mungo's can appropriately address this issue. I find it disgusting that my mind was able to conjure a single color and style of her nightwear, let alone several versions.I appreciate your kind condolences. Severus Snape

Dear Gabi1791,In the future, you might wish to consider the use of other puncutation marks besides exclamation marks.Pointedly, Severus Snape P.S. I sincerely hope the 1791 in your username does not refer to your year of birth. I'm utterly appalled at the thought of a 218-year-old witch perving over the disgusting and unfortunate fantasies that occurred during during my convalescence.

Dear MoreThanSirus,Despite your horrid name, I find myself quite liking you. You are the first reviewer to take into consideration my mental, physical, and sexual well-being. I agree that the thought of Weasley's bits is indeed exceedingly distrubing. Perhaps we might come to terms about what this 'round-the-cock care' might entail, and you can assist with scrubbing away those horrific mental pictures.I await your reply.Severus Snape

Dear Professor Snape,You might be surprised to find there are numerous ladies concerned with your well-being. I am a member of an organization dedicated to unsung heroes. We at the Sisterhood Saluting Heroic Genius devote ourselves to the care and reward of those who have given their all to serve the greater good. While Messrs. Potter and Longbottom did show signs of heroism, I'm sure you will agree that they are far from genuis. Therefore, you are the only qualifying candidate from this last war. The SSHG is entirely at your disposal to assist in your care and recovery. I would be delighted and honoured to help scour away those horrifying images of ginger bits which must be giving you further nightmares. I assure you that I was christened

by cretins. Those  who fell under the charm of that rogue and idiot Sirius Black. My sole retort to them was that you were and will always be worth far more than Sirius.Eager to assist in any way,

Ms. Teshara,It is a great comfort to know that you take pleasure in my pain.Snidely,Severus Snape

Dear Molly's Sister,I have no idea which sister of Molly's you might be. I sincerely hope you are not her sister Polly who was sorted into Hufflepuff during my third year. I've never known a bigger dunderhead than that girl. Hopefully, you are her sister Holly. Always thought she was a catch.If you are indeed Holly and the years following Hogwarts have treated you well, should you find yourself in need of companionship, then perhaps we might begin a correspondence.If you are Polly, *Obliviate*Impeccably yours, Severus Snape

Dear Mr. SnapeYou have found me out, I am indeed Holly. I find that a some what ambiguous pen name allows me greater freedom to, shall we say explore? Would you care to meet for a cocktail at the Petrified Pickle Friday night? Say 8:00?Holly Prewitt  

Dear Ms. Sunny33,Apparently, whatever you are smoking has robbed you of the capacity to formulate complete sentences. Additionally, how dare you stick your tongue out at me, young lady? Detention. Tuesday evening immediately following dinner. Mr. Filch will meet you outside the girls' lavatory on the fourth floor.Severely,Professor Snape

Ms. Rachow,I can assure you I am not into orgies either. While acts of sexual congress often produce many substances required for potions brewing, the potential cross-contamination of samples during acts with multiple partners rather renders the exercise pointless. As per this tale in particular, I'm quite certain there is nothing balanced about it.Sincerely,Severus Snape

Ms.

, 

No one is more disturbed by the image of Weasley's dangly bits than I.  However, I am sad to say, that particular image is entirely eclipsed by the horror of realizing that I was having a romp in a playground that was first enjoyed by … Neville Longbottom.

Disturbedly,

Severus Snape

Ugh, I was trying to forget that disturbing picture, now you have traumazided me for at least a couple of days...:-))

Ms. Flitterkat,While you may be comforted that this horrific tale was only the workings of my subconscious, I assure you that fact is of little solace to me.The naivete of both Potter and Weasley is exceedingly vexing, not amusing. Though, I'll grant you that in this case the outcome was reasonably entertaining.Regarding Weasley interrupting my discourse with Miss Granger, I'm not sure why you've got your knickers in a twist. Perhaps I was just going to tell her that she had a boogey on her nose.Rest assured, there will be no next visit.  And if there is, i will make sure there are no birds, bees, or butterflies anywhere about, nor any nosy little wenches.Sincerely,Severus Snape

Of course, Darling I understand. I'm quite sure Harry and Hermione will respect your wishes. Now, lie quite still while I reattach your, well, while I'm working. That's a dear.

Ms. LeFish,Indeed, Weasley's bits and boundless enthusiasm were appalling. Thank Merlin, I never had to see his bits up close. Regarding Potter, I beg to differ. Potter has no redeeming characteristics at all, nor is hardly the most shocking aspect of this ordeal. Incidentally, I do believe there were several transcription errors in the telling of this tale. I certainly have desire whatsoever to allow to Potter slobber all over my mouth. Though a bit of cocksucking to put the wanker in his place certainly wouldn't be remiss.Sincerely,Severus Snape

PajamaPants,I neither want nor need TLC, especially not from the likes of those bumbling fools. Rest assured, should the bloody Golden Trio come to see me again - and I will take every possible step to prohibit their visit - I will prohibit the event from being broadcast all over the bloody internet. Simply put, in terms you can most assuredly understand, there will be no sequel. Go get your jollies somewhere else.Sincerely,Severus Snape