8. Bella, Bella

Chapter 8 Bella, Bella...

A/N: Lemon alert!

~~Hermione~~

My nightmares returned. I woke up screaming, covered in sweat and completely terrified. The difference this time was that I woke up alone. I'm not sure where or when Severus slept, but it certainly wasn't in my bed.

I heard through the castle 'rumour mill' that he had resumed his old habit of stalking the corridors by night, threatening students and staff if he found them. I had also learned that his behaviour towards his students had surpassed even his previous lows. He was ruthless with them; he took points, assigned staggering amounts of detentions, and was generally evil and vindictive.

It was obvious to me that he was suffering as much as I was. If he wasn't going to give me the opportunity to talk to him, how was I to make anything better? I had always been the one to come to him and make nice. This time, I didn't want to be the one to give in.

Silly as it might sound, I was determined to be an equal partner in our relationship rather than some sort of wilting flower. As much as I loved him, I knew that he would never be able to respect me if I didn't stand my ground.

So I was ready to deny my own feelings to prove a point. Perhaps it was a bit of vanity, but I've never been able to forget something my mother told me: "Love won't get you half way in a relationship, Hermione. Your spouse must respect you, and you must respect him. Sometimes respect is easily had, and sometimes it's rather hard won. Either way, every functioning relationship is a two-way street."

They were words of wisdom that I'd nearly forgotten until right before I'd married Severus. He was a strong man, a strong man who deserved an equally strong woman to stand by his side. I didn't like the current situation, but I would endure it in hopes that on the other side of this pain lay something beautiful and amazing.

I fell into my routine with the outward appearance of ease. I didn't mention his absence or inattention when we did speak. I maintained polite small talk anytime he decided to speak to me. I marked assignments for Dumbledore, who was teaching my classes, so I could stay involved with my work.

I read, I exercised, and I even amused myself by writing the occasional short story. With every day, I grew stronger. I longed for the day when I could resume at least some of my routine.

Springtime was fast approaching and, with it, the lovely weather that would make it nearly impossible for me to stay inside.

Poppy had agreed that I would first be able to take over only my seventh-year class, and that only after I'd proven that I could go through the motions of a normal day. This meant I'd soon be dining in the Great Hall again. While I didn't look forward to spending time with Severus under the watchful eyes of our colleagues, I still relished the thought of the human interaction that I'd so long been denied.

She promised that if I could maintain my current progress for two more weeks, I could begin to take meals with the rest of the school. After a week of that, I would be encouraged to deliver the marked assignments to Dumbledore's office and then to get books in the library. If all that went well, I could begin teaching again. Of course, they would add my lessons back one level at a time so as not to overwhelm me, but it was a place to start.

The night before I was to begin taking meals outside of my confinement, I sat before the fire reading. I was distracted by the sound of raised voices coming from somewhere nearby. I got up to follow the sound.

In the passageway, just past the loo meant for guest use, was the door to Severus' office. The shouting was coming from in there. Though my higher sensibilities told me that eavesdropping was not right, I decided that in my current circumstance, what my husband didn't know wouldn't hurt him.

"Audious!" I hissed. Suddenly, I could hear them as though they were right in front of me.

"I don't give a good goddamn what you barmy, old meddlers think! She is my wife, and I'll behave as I see fit."

"Severus, if you meant to cock up your relationship, you're doing splendidly. The girl needs your support and affection. She needs to feel loved! My God, an infant would understand that!"

Minerva sounded as though she might leap across the desk and throttle him at any moment.

"What in the bloody fuck would you know about it, you frigid, old cow?"

"Severus! If you speak to my wife in that tone one more time, I shall hex you into the middle of next month. Quite literally!" Though Dumbledore had not raised his voice, the tone was cold enough that I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

"Albus, I realise that the two of you are acting from some misguided notion that I welcome your intrusion into my private life. Now, please, sod off!"

"Silencio!" Dumbledore had rendered Severus unable to speak; I wondered if he might have also used a non-verbal spell for immobilization on him. Because Severus made no sounds whatsoever after that.

"Severus, I have tried to be a guide to you all these long years whilst also allowing you to live your own life. I have watched, time and again, as your own selfishness and insecurities have driven you to isolate yourself from those who would offer you support and friendship. I cannot stand by this time. Even if it were only you at stake, I would not allow this. But as you are also inflicting great pain on Hermione, I must speak.

"You have finally found someone who can look beyond all the barbs and spines you've carefully constructed around yourself. Because of that, you have felt vulnerable. The only other time you've ever felt that way, the object of your affections was taken from you, though in no small part by your own doing the first time.

"Now, on seeing that Hermione might have been taken from you, quite by accident, you have again pushed her away. I believe it is your vain hope that if you do not outwardly demonstrate your affections to anyone, including her, that if you should lose her, it would lessen the pain of that loss. I can assure you, Severus, it will not.

"If you should ever lose her, you will look back on this time as a sad and sorry waste of what might have been a few more months of happy memories. Or you can add more fuel to the fire of your own assertion that you are, indeed, an arse!

"Think about what I've said. Don't push her away. If you do, you will regret it forever. She is worth the risk. Good night, Severus."

I scurried away from the door as quietly as I could. Dumbledore's words meant more to me than I could even fathom at the time. I was eternally grateful that he would speak to Severus on my behalf. At the same time, I was shamed because I didn't want someone to reach in and fix things in my life. I wanted to be able to do the work with Severus to fix what was broken. I also wanted Severus to decide on his own that I was worth the effort rather than being pushed into it by someone else.

As it turns out, I had nothing to worry about. Nothing about Severus' behaviour changed after his discussion with Albus and Minerva. If I hadn't overheard, I would never had guessed that it had taken place.

I was conflicted. While I sincerely wanted to be the one to sort things out with my husband, I was disappointed that the interference of people whom he respected would have no effect whatsoever. I was ashamed of myself for even knowing of their conversation and for wishing it would have worked.

So my nightmares got steadily worse. My muscles were continually sore from thrashing about; the dark circles under my eyes were so deep that soon people would begin mistaking me for a vampire. I even had a sore throat, presumably from screaming night after night.

And through it all, Severus gave no indication that he noticed anything. I assumed he either didn't care or no longer spent enough time in our suite to notice. Neither prospect was appealing to me. I was alone most of the time, and he obviously preferred it that way.

I felt a numb emptiness that alternated with a crushing sadness. I wasn't sure which I preferred. When I was in pain, I wished that it would end. But as soon as the numbness took over, I began wishing I could feel something, anything, just so I'd know I still could.

I found myself avoiding everyone else as well. I went to Dumbledore's office when I knew he was in class. I went to the Great Hall for meals, but I sat at one end of the Head Table, eating quickly and then leaving. I didn't look up from my food and only nodded or shook my head if anyone were to ask me a direct question. Even Madam Pince, the now alarmingly ancient librarian, tried to speak to me when I was in the library. So I'd taken to visiting the library when I knew she was already in bed. I sent owls away without opening letters and blocked my Floo connection.

One night, an alarming thought occurred to me. I was walking along the corridor, back to my rooms (I could no longer stand to think of them as ours). I turned a corner and found myself passing by the Grey Lady of Ravenclaw.

She greeted me with a slight incline of her head. I almost stopped in my tracks. She was so sad. Even after being dead for over a thousand years, her pain washed over me in waves. I wanted to reach out to her, to offer her some comfort, but I felt powerless in the face of her terrible loneliness. I stopped and turned to watch her as she continued along past the portraits and coats of armour.

Then it hit me like a pail of ice water. I was well on my way to becoming the Grey Lady. I avoided all contact, I exuded sadness and desolation, and worst of all, I was so trapped in my own Hell that I was losing the ability to see anything other than my own misery.

If I died right now, I would be another heartbroken ghost, wandering these halls for all eternity. I hated myself for allowing this to take over my life. All I had left was darkness and sorrow.

I was drifting down the hall, and Harry approached me. He reached out his hand to grasp mine, and his hand drifted straight through my body. He shook his head sadly and walked away. After Harry came more of my friends, each with the same result. Their efforts to help me only proved that I was beyond any help.

Finally, Severus approached. I was terrified by this time, screaming at the top of my lungs for him to help me. I shrieked until my throat tore and bled. I pleaded that I was so alone and so scared. But he didn't seem to hear me. He continued walking until I couldn't see him anymore.

I was all alone and completely beyond help. Though I knew it couldn't help, I continued to cry out for Severus.

~~Severus~~

I had only just returned to my office and poured myself a generous measure of Ogden's when a tortured scream scared me so badly I jumped to my feet and flung my glass across the room. It shattered against the wall.

I was standing in the middle of the room, wand drawn, breathing heavily when the air was rent by a second scream. This time, the voice was intelligible.

"Severus!"

I was off toward the bedroom in our suite without a thought. Anything in my past was magically hurled out of the way.

It didn't matter that I'd barely seen or spoken to her in months. All that mattered was that Hermione was calling for me. I would walk through fire or Hell or both to get to her.

Though suddenly, the full weight of my galactic stupidity hit me. I'd pushed her away out of fear. My own selfish fear of being vulnerable had reduced her to a mere shadow of what she had been. I had avoided her so much that when I did catch a glimpse of her, what I saw was unnerving. She'd lost weight so that her once slender form was now absolutely skeletal. Her once full hair looked limp and lifeless as it hung, now always partially obscuring her face.

Though her posture was usually slumped under the weight of a rather cumbersome pile of books, there was now a rather defeated slump of her shoulders that had nothing to do with an outward, physical burden.

The evidence of her mental struggles had been getting gradually worse and worse over these last few weeks. I had begun to avoid our quarters at night so I could shut out her screams. I didn't want to believe that there was anything I could do. I didn't want to reach out to her because I knew that if I held her again, I would never be able to let her go.

I ran to the door of our bedroom as it flew open. I saw her there on the bed, blankets a tangled mess over her thrashing body. Her face was contorted with pain, and her frame racked with terrible sobs. I was frozen with panic.

My indecision ended when a horribly sad cry escaped her, and two words pierced my frozen heart and sealed my fate.

"Severus, please."

Though she hadn't seen me and wasn't even awake, there was no way I could just walk away after that. I was drawn to her, literally compelled to approach the bed. As I sank onto the mattress next to her, her thigh brushed against my back. It was the first contact we'd had in what felt like forever.

Evidently, she was as starved for affection as I was. She reached toward me and, with surprising strength, pulled me down to her. I was stunned and paralyzed for a moment. My head told me to run, though another head, as well as my heart, told me there was no other place in the world for me tonight than right here with her.

She began to pull her body closer to mine until she'd climbed me like a tree. Her thin but surprisingly strong arms were wrapped around me, as were her legs. I felt her heart beating and her tears soaking into my shirt.

The sweet smell that was her soap and shampoo and just her washed over me, and my breath caught in my throat. I'd almost forgotten how completely she could affect me. I had an erection that was threatening to split my trousers, my pulse was pounding in my ears, and my mouth was so dry I could barely swallow.

As I panicked, she brought her face closer to mine as she moaned my name. I groaned involuntarily in response. Her lips ghosted over my neck and shoulder, making me shiver. I couldn't move.

"Severus," she murmured into the skin behind my ear. "Is this a dream? Oh, God, if it is, I don't want to wake up."

I wanted to tell her she was dreaming or crazy or dead and being tormented in Hell. But somehow, I found myself doing nothing of the kind. I reached up to stroke the back of her head with one hand whilst the other hand cupped her cheek and turned her face towards mine.

"Hermione," I breathed as I looked into her eyes. The slightly dulled eyes were hooded. With lust or sleep, I couldn't be sure. It almost overwhelmed me when she shifted so that my arousal was pressing directly into the heat coming from her core.

We were separated only by two flimsy layers of fabric. I wanted to feel that again, no matter what it cost. It felt as though I had to connect with her this way, even if this was the last time she'd ever let me touch her.

Her little hands were tearing at my shirt, pulling it back over my shoulders as buttons flew all over the room. My hands trailed down her body until I found the hem of her nightdress. I gathered it, and in one quick movement, it was over her head.

I shifted her slightly, bringing our bare chests into contact. She shivered as both of us moaned out loud. A thick fog seemed to have leaked into my brain. All I wanted was to be as close to her as possible.

Evidently, she had the same thought. As her lips moved over my neck and chest, I felt them forming whispered words. At first, I thought she was whispering endearments or exclamations of passion, but then I felt my trousers vanish into thin air. I realised what she was actually doing.

Our bodies moved together, each of us revelling in the sweet torture of friction and heat. I was a man possessed. I moved my mouth down to her nipples, licking and sucking the peaks until they stood at attention.

"So long... Oh, God, Severus. It's been so long..."

I licked over her concave belly, delighting in the little, squirming motion that my attentions elicited. I moved further down, driven to taste her and drive her over the edge. Just to prove that I could do.

I licked her slowly, teasing her. I wanted to draw this out, to worship every nook and cranny of her centre. She was wet already and continued to spill her juices as I made love to her with my mouth. She was shaking, and her words were unintelligible. Not that I would have been able to articulate anything other than the most primal of growls at that time.

As she came undone under my tongue, her hands sprang to life in feeble effort to pull me closer to her. I continued to kiss and stroke her until her breathing eased up a bit and then allowed her to guide my face up to hers.

"I need to taste you now." Her voice was husky, and I was certain every molecule of blood in my body was now concentrated in my erection.

I pushed her away. "Later," I growled. "I need to be inside you. Right. Now."

"Oh, yes! God, yes. Please, Severus! I need you..." She was clawing me with her tiny fingers, trying to bring us closer. In her current state, she lacked the sufficient control.

I had no such difficulty. I manoeuvred slightly and poised my turgid shaft at her entrance. I pushed in slowly as we both cried out in pleasure.

Her eyes opened fully and somehow seemed to lock on my own. That was how we came back together. Eye to eye, body to body, heart to heart. It was hot. It was tender. It was intense.

When it was over, I'm not sure whose tears covered my face, and I found I didn't care. I rolled off of her and tried to move away slightly to give her a bit more room.

I had no more than decided to shift my weight when her arms grew strong as iron and held me fast.

"I've waited so long for this. I can't let go, not just yet."

Who was I to argue?

Thanks also to all those who read, and especially those who review as well. Reveiws are like hugs from the non-Stinky Sevvy! LOL