7. I Tried to Explain

Chapter 7 I Tried to Explain

A/N: I am so thrilled with the response this story has gotten. I want to thank all my lovely reviewers! Your comments (and threats) keep me going.

~~Severus~~

There is really no way to describe the disconcerting feeling of awakening with a throbbing headache whilst your employer looks down at you, giggling smugly. Lack of that experience will not make a life any less rich, I can assure you.

"Have we had a bit of a fall?" Albus asked merrily.

I righted myself slowly, rubbing the sizable lump on the back of my head. "Accio!" I grumbled. A moment later, a small vial of headache potion whizzed into my hand. I downed it in one and then turned to glare at the jolliest Headmaster in the land.

"My boy, I can't believe there is nothing you'd rather do than sit on the floor?" Dumbledore was going to find out what it was like to have a chair magically inserted into his rectum.

No sooner had I begun to mentally cast the spell when the events that occurred prior to my foul mood and head trauma came rushing back. I forgot about Dumbledore as I hurried to my feet and frantically searched the ward for Hermione.

Her bed was empty, though judging from the disorganized state of the bedclothes, she must have only just left it. Before I could even give voice to my panic, Albus beckoned me to sit on the edge of the bed.

"Sit down before you fall down again. Madam Pomfrey has only taken her to tidy up a bit. Sleeping for five weeks will give one a yen for personal hygiene regimens."

I lacked the courage to ask the question that burned above all others. I looked into the blue eyes just as I had since I was a child and silently begged for the answer.

Albus placed a hand on my shoulder, and this time, I didn't shrug it off. "She's much weakened, son. It will take time and many charms and potions for her to be back on her feet again. Poppy is unable to give a complete prognosis at this point."

I felt as though all my blood had been removed and replaced with milk. I didn't care about anything other than the fact that my wife was still with me. I hadn't lost her. I did something at that point that I hadn't done in years, if ever.

I said an extremely sincere prayer of thanks. I sagged into the bed, and two fat tears of relief slid down my cheeks. For once, the barmy old codger sitting next to me chose to keep his mouth shut. We sat in silence for several minutes. I managed to get control of myself. I felt comfort and affection for Albus, knowing he'd never tell a soul of my momentary loss of emotional control.

A silver mist shot out the main doors of the Hospital Wing. It was four-legged and enormous. I wasn't able to discern what exactly it was. Again, the ever omniscient provided my answer.

"Poppy has sent for Hagrid. She didn't want to Levitate Hermione, just in case. Hagrid happened to be nearby and offered his services." He stared at me for another long moment. "Poppy's Patronus is a St. Bernard. Appropriate, don't you think?"

Hagrid came through the doors and proceeded down the ward in the direction of the office. His only greeting to us was a slight nod. I listened to the sound of his heavy footfalls upon the smooth stone floor.

My heart was pounding along with the rhythm provided by Hagrid's boots. I would see her in moments. What would her reaction be? How visually apparent would her illness be? I don't mean to imply that I was concerned out of vanity; I was afraid of how it would affect me if she looked extremely frail.

The air currents around us changed, and I looked down to find I was now sitting on the edge of a bed that was freshly made with clean linens. I moved to stand and turned to look back down the ward.

Madam Pomfrey was leading Hagrid, who seemed to be walking with the softest steps he possibly could whilst cradling a small bundle. In fairness, I suppose anyone would look small whilst being carried by a giant.

My heart pounded in my throat as they approached. Madam Pomfrey pushed past us, and Hagrid came up to the far side of the bed to deposit the tiny woman who was my whole world onto the bed.

Pomfrey fussed over her for a few minutes, adjusting pillows and smoothing blankets. Finally, she stepped back.

Dumbledore smiled and stepped forward to address the patient. "I'm pleased to see that you're up and about, Professor. I will leave you. I only wanted to give you my well wishes in person. I'll be popping in to visit all through your convalescence." He gingerly patted her ankle and walked out.

My eyes met with Hermione's for the first time in weeks. I couldn't look away. I heard Hagrid mumbling his farewells and the matron making her way back to her office. I heard the soft swish of the door to her office closing.

And we were alone.

Her eyes were slightly dull, but still the deep brown I'd come to love. I noticed that her face was rather thinner than I'd seen it. She was pale and looked as though she was struggling to keep her eyes open.

"Would you like me to leave you to your..."

"No!" Her voice was thin and gravelly, consistent with not haven spoken properly for nearly two months. Her hand lifted tremulously toward mine. I caught her small hand in both my own.

"Alright, my love. I won't go." I reached out to stroke her cheek with the backs of my fingers. I found I had to concentrate rather hard to stop my hand from shaking. I tried to smile at her, rather then gawk at her like a moron. "I've missed you, love. Have you missed me?"

Hermione's face went blank, and her eyes widened slightly. "No," she croaked.

My heart turned to ice in my chest, and my mouth went completely dry. "I s-see," I stammered. I started to pull my hand away. That bloody plant hadn't erased her love for me, had it?

Her little fingers were suddenly clamped around my own like thin bands of steel. When I looked into her face, I was startled by the fierce determination and look of defiance she wore. Her head popped off the pillow, and she glared at me.

"No, you remarkably obtuse dunderhead! I didn't miss you because your voice was the only thing, the only connection I had. I can't explain it; I can't define it. I was floating alone in... in blackness. No sight, no feeling, no sound. And then I heard your voice.

"Your voice was what I clung to; it was the only thing that kept me going.... I wanted a way to get back to you. I suppose it sounds highly superstitious and quaint, and it's not possible. But sometimes what is thought to be impossible is only very rare. We are that rare, Severus. We are." Her already choked voice was even more muted by tears when she'd finished.

A thought came to me like a bolt of lightning. "You're right, Hermione. We are that rarest of loves. Madam Pomfrey no doubt told you how you came to be in the Hospital Wing? We broke the Apparition wards for the first time. The very first time in a thousand years, the magic of Godric Gryffindor was broken. And it was broken by our love. The same force that caused that bloody weed to seek you out for its attack also saved you.

"Our love is rare and pure and worthy. I don't doubt that you could hear me, my love. Just as I don't doubt that I would be able to hear you anywhere on this Earth, in Heaven or in Hell. I'm only grateful that you still love me."

I had kissed her lips thousands of times before and would kiss them thousands of times afterward, but this first kiss after I'd become convinced I'd have to live the rest of my life on memories was amazing. I wanted the moment to last forever, but as I held her, I could feel her muscles sag with fatigue.

"You need sleep, my darling."

"But, Severus, I don't want..."

"I won't leave you. I'll be here when you wake, my love."

"Severus?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

"Forever is not long enough; the ocean isn't big enough to contain the love I feel for you and from you."

She slept, clutching my hand to her heart, a smile on her lips.

~~Hermione~~

I felt as though I'd been swimming in icy, filthy water for days. I was exhausted and disgusted. When Madam Pomfrey asked if I'd like to bathe a bit while Dumbledore brought Severus around, I'd agreed as enthusiastically as my weakness would allow.

I looked down at Severus from Hagrid's arms. He was prone on the floor, a look of horror frozen on his face. Madam Pomfrey assured me it was from shock and exhaustion and that he'd be fine in just a moment.

The bath felt wonderful; the water was warm and sweet smelling. I drifted in and out of sleep as I listened to her go on and on. She told me the details of Neville's Orchid and that it would have drawn me in above all others. Then she continued with tips and instructions for my recuperation.

"...for at least six weeks..."

"Drinking plenty of water..."

"...anything too heavy. Mostly stay with broth and yogurt."

"...will render most basic potions ineffective. That will include vitamins, headache remedies, cough potions and con..."

"...you'll have to do something else because..."

"So just be careful..."

"...wouldn't want to have an unplanned..."

When I no longer smelled like a heap of garbage, she helped me into a robe. I sat on the bench in her bathroom and waited for Hagrid to carry me back to bed.

The tenderhearted giant had eyes full of tears as he held me to his chest. He murmured words of affection and encouragement to me as he placed me on the bed. He gave me one very whiskery kiss on the forehead and stepped back.

I wanted everyone else to leave so Severus and I could have some time on our own. It felt more therapeutic than anything else I could imagine as we gazed into one another's eyes.

I was angry with him when he assumed that I would want him to leave. Though I could understand his self-deprecating behaviours, they got rather old after a while. Especially now, when I'd been ill for so long.

My heart had swelled in my chest at his simple, sincere declaration. As I drifted to sleep, I somehow remained aware of his presence.

When I awoke the next morning, it was to shouting voices and angry words. Madam Pomfrey and Severus were standing on opposite sides of my bed, both red-faced and glaring.

"I am perfectly capable of attending my own needs, Madam. I do not need you or anyone else to tell me when I require a shower! I will not leave my wife's side until I feel the time is right."

Madam Pomfrey bristled. "Then I'll speak more plainly. You are foul, Severus. You are stinking up my ward! I can care for Hermione without your supervision, thank you very much. Now go!"

Severus looked as though his head would explode. I knew I had to intervene before the motherly Matron of the ward hexed him into the next century. Why is it that the magical abilities of those who are nurturing and affectionate are always underestimated?

"Severus!" I couldn't shout, but even in with my frail, little voice, his attention immediately turned to me.

I took a shaky breath and continued. "You must listen to Madam Pomfrey. If she says you need to leave for a few minutes, you should respect her enough to take her advice. And she's quite right. You do smell. Go! I'll be fine in the hour it'll take you."

Severus looked as though he was trying to make up his mind about something. His shoulders slumped slightly, and he nodded. He leaned over me, dropping a kiss on my cheek. I grimaced slightly at the smell. He was rank.

The next major battle was whether or not Severus had to go back and teach his classes. I did love him, and his presence was comforting. But anyone who's ever doubted the old adage about 'too much of a good thing' should take it from me that it's most definitely true.

I loved him, but his constant hovering was extremely irritating. If I shifted my weight or sighed, he was in a panic, demanding to know what was the matter. He leaned over me and refused to let me do anything for myself. If someone else came to visit, Severus wanted to answer all their questions and tell them what made me tired or when I needed to eat or sleep.

And the worst was during my 'exercise periods.' Poppy and I were working on building my strength by walking and sitting for longer and longer periods. Severus would shout at her if I appeared fatigued or stressed in any way. She told me privately that she was afraid he'd begin to impede my recovery if he didn't give me a little space.

I knew he wouldn't like it, but I was going to have side with Madam Pomfrey.

The discussion was highly emotional from the first word. He looked as though I was stabbing him through the heart.

"Severus, understand me here. You need to occupy your mind with something other than me. You can take all your meals with me. You can even sleep in here, mark essays, whatever you'd like. But you need to go back to work!"

"I will decide what is best for me...."

I cut him off. I couldn't handle him with kid gloves forever. "I need you to go back to work. I've had no privacy whatsoever in the last few months. Now that I can stand, I'd like to use the toilet on my own. I'd like to sigh without going through the third degree. I love you, Severus. I appreciate that you're trying to show it.

"But if I'm not given the chance to do some things on my own, I'm never going to recover. Please. For me?"

He nodded weakly.

"Stop with the 'someone's just run over my puppy' look. I love you, and I do need you. But I also need time. Hang on, isn't this a replay of a conversation we had before we were married? Severus, individuality should not hinder a relationship. It should make it more healthy."

I watched his shoulders tighten and his back become more erect. He gave me one quick nod to show that he'd heard me and stormed away.

I'm going to be a brilliant parent. I've already had experience in tough love and forcing someone to let go.

I worked as hard as I could under the watchful eye of Poppy, who was quickly becoming a very great friend. I was quite proud of my accomplishments, if being able to take the most basic care of oneself is to be considered an accomplishment.

As always, I'd become completely focused on my goal. Within a few weeks time, I was on my own, or at least more on my own than I had been for months. I nearly wept for joy at being able to sit in my own lounge by my own fire and read.

My Elvish staff member, Pickapoo, was wonderful. She responded well to my way of asking for rather than demanding her assistance. Poppy was around twice a day for therapy and just to check in. Dumbledore also visited; I enjoyed discussing the books he'd lent me immensely.

The surprise was Severus. I assumed he'd poke his head in at every imaginable excuse, but he did not. He woke in the mornings, asked if I required anything, and then left. He didn't stop in for lunch or dinner and must have taken to marking his essays and exams in his office as I rarely saw him before bed.

After a few weeks of this, I began to feel both neglected and angry. He needed to find a middle road between feast and famine of his affections. Just because I didn't want him to stand over me all hours of the day and night certainly didn't mean that I didn't at least want to spend some time with him during the course of the day.

Truth be told, that's not all that was frustrating me. It had been months since I'd had any of his romantic attentions. True, I wasn't up for any sort of bedroom gymnastics, but a little intimacy wouldn't kill me. I began to have extremely vivid dreams that left me covered in a sheen of sweat and rubbing up against his sleeping form. After the third night of this, the real damage was done.

I was shaken awake, sweat-covered and dry-mouthed. I was on his side of the bed, and he was standing over me with a disgusted look on his face. My nightgown had been pulled to one side at the bodice as well as being cinched up around my waist. The look on his face was one that wouldn't have been out of place at the scene of a massacre.

"I'm sorry?" I mumbled weakly. "I must have been having a dream and accidentally..."

He continued to stare down at me, and I was once again transported back to my fourth year of school, when he'd stared at me in contempt and mocked my recently hexed teeth. I swallowed over the rapidly forming lump in my throat.

I needed to fix this, whatever it was. I needed my husband back. I was a grown, married woman. There should be no shame for me in displaying my desire for the man I married. Tears of hurt and rejection spilled over.

"Why don't you want me?"

The cold, aloof expression on his face flickered for the merest hint of an instant before he spoke. "You need your rest, and not to mention that in your condition, undue physical exertions can't be wise. I think we must all use our best judgement and behave with maturity. Rash urges and primitive compulsions have no place in your recovery." His eyes were focused on the wall just over my shoulder as he spoke with a monotone, icy timbre to his voice.

I flinched as though he'd struck me. My heart pounded in my chest, and I wondered what on earth had made him be so cold and unfeeling. I was almost dizzy with the confusion that had overcome me. It just didn't make sense.

I reigned in my emotions and struggled to hold in the tears. I needed to maintain some dignity. It was seriously unpalatable to me to be the sort of woman who would beg for the affections of a man who did not deem her worthy.

Though in my heart, I felt sure that he had real feelings for me. That almost made it more difficult for me to take his actions. If this was some desperate attempt to save himself from the pain that can come from attachment and emotional vulnerability, then it only proved that he would place his needs above my own.

Something deep inside broke, like the string of a toy wound too tightly. I felt the snap and resulting emptiness.

"Of course you're right, Severus." I turned and walked back toward my room. As I closed the door behind me, the click was surprisingly sharp with a definite finality to it.

~~Severus~~

I'm a coward, a bastard, and a child. I was hurt when she seemed to reject me. Though I knew it was not a true rejection, just as I knew that she both needed and deserved her privacy. It still caused me pain that I could not fulfil her needs on my own.

I pushed her away. At first it wasn't intentional, but I realised how much easier it was not to love, not to let anyone in. So I took the easy way out. I did what was in my own selfish interests and pulled away from her.

Retreating into oneself is an incredibly dangerous and seductive means of comfort. It only requires that one convince oneself that they are unnecessary to others. I had been a master of this very thing when Hermione had come into my life. After her rejection, it was almost too easy to slip back into my old patterns.

It's always seemed odd to me that my Patronus is not an ostrich or a turtle. Avoidence and isolation come so very naturally to me. And now that which was natural to me had hurt the one I loved more than anything else.

I'd seen it in her eyes. Some light had gone out. I had done that. I had caused her to lose a bit of her own natural spark. Rather than the candle lighting the darkness, the darkness was pulling the candle down into its own abyss.

If we were to carry on like this, soon she would be empty and cold. She would be exactly like me.