Confessions, Questions and Quandaries

Disclaimer and legal stuff:

All things Potterverse do not belong to me.

They belong to J K Rowling, as you can plainly see.

She has a team of lawyers, who work both night and day.

Their only mission in this life is to keep plagiarists at bay.

So I write my disclaimer, to say I mean no harm.

Followed with a smile, as I turn on the charm.

I make not a single Euro or Yen, no Galleon, Sickle or Knut,

Not a dime or dollar, pound or quid, so please don't sue my butt!

A/N: No, poetry isn't one of my gifts, but at least one chapter must contain a poetic disclaimer. Anyway, thank you to Verity, my ever-loyal beta, for making sure this was fit for human eyes.

WARNING: There is a large amount of religious content in this chapter. If you think that you might find such content offensive, feel free to skip to the page break.

Chapter 2: Confessions, Questions and Quandaries

Snow blew around the solitary figure that tramped down the narrow street towards the chapel. Eileen Snape held on tightly to the basket containing her well-bundled son. Once or twice, she slipped the thick woolen mitten off of her hand to touch his face beneath the thin silk veil. His face was comfortably warm, and he turned his head to suck on her finger.

"Hungry again, little man?" she asked. "I'll feed you soon. I just need to stop at the chapel for a moment."

The young woman hurried up the wooden steps into the vestibule of the tiny church. Quietly, she closed the door behind her, slipping the black lace veil from her pocket and covering her hair with it. Making as little noise as possible, she walked to one of the pews near the back, setting her basket on the seat. Wearily Eileen sank to her knees, going over the words of the prayers in her mind.

Each time she went to the chapel, the same questions plagued her. What would she say? What could she say? She could hardly go in and say: "By the way, Father, I'm a witch." Keeping it a secret was wrong; she knew that. However, to bring her abilities out in the open would almost certainly spell disaster. A feeling of helplessness drifted over her. She sighed at her sad situation, hoping and praying that somehow, some way, she would be able to untangle herself from these tendrils of deception.

Off to her right, an old woman coughed. Severus stirred in his basket, making little smacking noises with his lips. Eileen smiled softly and helped him find his thumb. Maybe he would be content with that for a moment or two. No, for his sake she would keep her secret just a little while longer. Severus was dependent on her, and she was not about to let anything happen to him.

A rustle of velvet drape behind her signaled that the confessional was now vacated. Another young matron staggered exhaustedly to the front of the church to pray her penance. Eileen stood up and hefted the little basket. Proper or not, she didn't feel right leaving Severus in the pew all alone. Straightening her veil, she slipped behind the thick drape.

"Bless me, Father..." Eileen began as usual. She continued with the usual litany of human failings, adding a few new ones that had come about through the course of motherhood. The old priest, Father Carrington, listened patiently, offering words of advice and comfort.

Father Carrington gave her a penance and granted her absolution. "I absolve you of your sins: In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit."

She gracefully made the Sign of the Cross. "Thank you, Father."

"One more thing before you go, Eileen."

Eileen whispered in surprise, "How did you know it was me, Father?"

"I recognized your voice, my child." She could almost hear the smile in his warm tone.

Eileen nodded and smiled in return, even though her confessor could not see her.

"You will be having your son baptized this Sunday after Mass? He is over two weeks old now." There was a touch of sternness in the kindly voice.

Eileen frowned. She had known from the day she had discovered that she was pregnant that this would be inevitable. She herself had been raised on the fringe of the Church, attending services only on rare occasions. Many families had, from time to time, intermarried with Muggle-borns, who continued to follow the traditions of whatever faith they had grown up with. Witches and wizards learning to reconcile their abilities with religious upbringing was nothing new, and Eileen was no exception.

When she had married Tobias Snape, she had married his religion as well. Making the transition from someone who attended services mainly at Christmas and Easter to being much more devout had been difficult at first. Her magical abilities had to be kept a secret. Besides, she had then...and still did...sincerely doubt that Tobias would have believed her anyway. As a result, he was blissfully oblivious to the fact that she was a witch, and she was hoping to keep it that way. If he ever found out, she was afraid that he would abandon her. Then she would be forced to return to her father's house with her infant son in tow. A thought she couldn't bear to even consider.

"Eileen?"

"Forgive me, Father, my mind was wandering," she said hurriedly.

"Will you be having him baptized this Sunday?"

"Yes, Father, we will."

"Good, good. And have you selected godparents?"

"Yes, Tobias's oldest sister and her husband will be his godparents. They are very excited about it." Severus began shifting about in his basket, making his presence known at last with tentative whimper. Eileen reached down to comfort her son, helping him find his thumb once again.

Eileen thanked the priest. As she exited the confessional, Severus gave a loud, frustrated wail, making it quite clear that he was truly hungry and not just bored. With a tired sigh, Eileen exited the chapel; she would pray while she fed her son.

Once home, Eileen shook the snow from her coat. She went straight to the kitchen, set the baby's basket gently on the table and began to add wood to the fire in the cook stove. The swaying movement of the basket on the walk home had soothed the baby, and Severus had fallen asleep under his warm blankets. Pulling the old rocking chair closer to the warmth of the fire, the young mother settled down to rest. The baby apparently noticed the changes in his surroundings, and he began stirring once again.

His mother settled him comfortably in the crook of her arm as she nursed him. Once or twice, he paused to look at her with his dark eyes. Unnatural. That was how Tobias had described the baby's intense gaze. Eileen knew better. She smoothed his hair. "You're magic just like me, my wee laddie. I was hoping you wouldn't be, then maybe, just maybe we could live in peace. But never you mind. I love you all the same."

As she rocked her son, she remembered that she had yet to say her penance. The words flowed in time with the rocking of the chair. "Our Father..."

Later that evening, Eileen was awakened by the rattling of the front door. Tobias was home from work. She had fallen asleep in the rocking chair while feeding the baby! She didn't have any dinner made, not even hot water for tea.

"Eileen?" her husband called as he entered the kitchen. The sight of his dirt-smudged face and mussed dark hair caused her to guiltily bite her lip. He looked at her, and a concerned look crossed his face. "Is everything all right?"

"I fell asleep in the chair," she admitted, carefully placing the sleeping baby in his basket. "There isn't a hot meal for you. I'm so sorry. Please don't be angry."

His face clearly showed his disappointment. Eileen waited to see if he would raise his voice in anger, but he refrained from commenting. Instead, he shuffled over to the basket where Severus was sleeping, staring down in wonder at the small being that had intruded on his quiet existence. The baby squirmed for a moment as he settled more comfortably under his blanket. Tobias shook his head. He whispered, "I see you've kept your mam busy today. Just from now on, try not to wear her out until after she has supper on the table."

"Shh... Tobias, you'll wake him," Eileen warned softly, smiling in spite of herself. She was heating water in the kettle for tea. Luckily there was some leftover ham in the cold cupboard, tinned tomatoes, a loaf of bread... She set the table as her husband took his spot. She started to heat the ham on the cook stove before she set about slicing the bread and opening the tin of tomatoes.

When the simple meal was ready, they bowed their heads and gave thanks before tucking in. Eileen had hardly touched her meal when the baby demanded her attention again. At first, she decided to let him fuss to see if he would settle back down on his own. When his demands were not immediately met, he wailed louder, squirming uncomfortably. With a sigh and a quick glance at her husband, Eileen quickly moved to pick him up.

No sooner had she lifted him to her shoulder then he left out huge belch, settling immediately back against her shoulder. Eileen flopped into her chair and tried to eat with one hand.

"Hearty little man, isn't he?" her husband asked as he continued to shovel food into his mouth.

"I've nothing to make a comparison." Eileen shrugged. "I spoke with Father Carrington today; he wanted to make sure we were having Severus baptized this Sunday."

"I spoke with my brother-in-law, he and my sister will be sure to attend this weekend." He frowned deeply. "Will your family be there?"

Eileen's pale face turned even paler. Tobias knew little about her family, save that her father and brother were overbearing. The few times he had met her family, he had understood that they were more than a little 'odd,' and that she really didn't want much to do with them. Her mother, father and two of her four brothers had attended the nuptial Mass and had placed the announcement in the Daily Prophet. They had only been around to the house when she first told them that she was pregnant and then again after she told them that the baby had been born. Other than that, they had-- thankfully -- left her alone. "I suppose I should tell them. Severus is their only grandson and all."

"Mind your brother, William, behaves himself. I would not like to give him a thrashing on the Sabbath," Tobias grumbled between mouthfuls, his fist clenching his fork tightly, "and especially not at my son's Baptism."

Eileen cringed at the memory of when her brother had first met Tobias. The two had hated each other instantly. She knew that her husband was a strong man, but her brother could make Tobias suffer or even kill him with a word or two and a wave of the wand. The last thing she wanted was to lose the first person who had cared about her. She absently patted the baby's bottom, praying that she was strong enough to protect them both--Tobias and Severus, the only two people that mattered to her.

"I'll make sure they mind their manners," she promised, reaching across the table to stroke the back of his long-fingered, rough hand.

Later that night, Eileen fell into bed utterly exhausted. Tobias made a halfhearted overture that Eileen quickly turned down, reminding him that the midwife had told her to wait at least until the baby was six weeks old. She was thankful for that bit of advice, as she was still quite sore and was not up to suffering that just yet. Well, not suffering exactly, she enjoyed his touch, completely and shamefully. He settled for pulling her more closely to him, stroking her hair and kissing her neck.

Just as they were beginning to drift off, the baby began whimpering in the other room. The whimper changed to a pathetic, pleading cry, before switching to a full-fledged howl. Eileen went to fetch him. Her breath hung in the air like a little cloud. When she picked Severus up, she noticed that his little nose, fingers and toes were terribly cold. She very well could have used a Warming Charm on his blankets, but she felt a heart-wrenching need to have him close to her. With a sigh she took him back to the bed.

"What s'matter?" Tobias muttered, half asleep.

"It's too cold. He'll have to sleep with us," she whispered, fumbling with the buttons of her nightgown. The tiny body settled down for a middle of the night feeding.

Tobias rolled over to touch his son with the tips of his fingers, a look of wonder in his sleepy eyes. "Lucky bloke."

Eileen shifted slightly, wincing as the little mouth took a firmer hold on her. Maybe if she kept him in the bed, she would actually be able to get some sleep.

"I love you, Eileen," Tobias said softly.

It wasn't something he normally said, so she opened her eyes wide in surprise. Looking at him as he watched his son, their son, the outward symbol of their love, she felt a rush of warmth that banished the cold of that January night. She reached out to touch his face, whispering, "And I love you, Tobias."

In her heart of hearts, she knew that she had to tell him her secret and hope that the love she saw in his eyes was stronger than any anger he would feel towards her for keeping such a thing from him. For all three of their sakes, she prayed that their love would be enough.

Here's hoping that the Snape household wasn't quite as grim as we have been led to believe. I'm such an optimist. I'm even more of an optimist by thinking I will get reviews.