Unspoken Past

Chapter Five

Unspoken Past

The spiral stone steps which led down to Tess's dungeon classroom reminded Clym of his own schooling in wizardry. It was nearly thirty years since he'd graduated from the Durmstrang Institute, where the dungeons had been extensive and furs had been almost year-round attire.

Three weeks after the Battle of Hogwarts, the castle's exterior still bore hallmarks of brutal and bloody conflict. Parts of the interior, however, remained unscathed, and in these preserved areas, Clym found that Hogwarts School was quaint and ornate, and the Headteacher's office reminded him of a bazaar-like treasure trove. But Professor McGonagall was no surprise: a perfunctory and proficient Headmistress.

Escorted by the Astronomy professor, Sinistra, Clym proceeded towards the double doors at the end of the dungeon hallway, wondering how Tess would react to his impromptu appearance at her workplace. A bustling throng of fifth-year students exited the classroom, clutching their textbooks and making their way back to their Houses. Only a couple of the male students paid him any notice as they hurried past; he supposed that strangers had become commonplace with the ongoing repair work in the storeys above. Sinistra bade him goodbye at the classroom door.

Tess was busy wiping her writing from the blackboard when Clym entered the classroom, and he watched her for a moment moving effortlessly around the teacher's lectern in her formal robes. He remembered how she used to favour scruffy jeans and figure-hugging dresses, and how she used to laugh about his predilection for fur-lined robes. His memories were broken by the sound of her voice.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, her tone bordering on waspish.

"I came to see Professor McGonagall," Clym answered, wandering towards her. "It seemed rude not to stop by and say 'hello' to you."

Tess didn't reply and continued to pack away her teaching materials in a manner which suggested his answer had neither satisfied nor reassured her.

"I have news," Clym continued, reading wariness and anticipation in her reaction. "Professor McGonagall has agreed to send an owl to Harry Potter, as I've had no response from him yet. Apparently, he's on holiday in Australia, whilst Hermione Granger makes contact with her parents and repatriates them. Can't really blame him for wanting to get away from all the attention."

Tess sniffed a little, as if unwilling to enter into conversation; perhaps she had already asked for McGonagall's assistance and been refused, or maybe she was merely indignant at his uninvited presence. He wondered if she would ever warm to him, let her guard down, or begin to trust him again. He wanted her to believe his best intentions.

"That's good," she said, after closing the cupboard door on the last of the Potions ingredients. With a flick of her wand they were thrown into semi-darkness as the candlelight extinguished.

Clym followed her hastily to the bright light of the doorway. "When Harry gets back, I'll let you know what I've learned about the potion which resurrected Voldemort."

Tess flinched, still not accustomed to hearing the name spoken out loud. Clym knew Voldemort had killed Tess's father when she was a student at Hogwarts, so mention of the Dark Lord was bound to cause her pain, but he had learned something else in the Headmistress's office for which he felt compelled to express his sympathy.

"Tess," he said, stopping as she closed and locked the double doors. "May I speak with you privately?"

He watched an eyebrow creep up her forehead, and her chin set contemptuously. "Here is as good a place as any, Clym."

He almost backed down and saved his commiserations for another time, but she had laid down the gauntlet, and Clym would never yield. "I saw your ancestor's portrait in the Headmistress's office whilst I waited. Charming lady," he added, trying to ease the tension. "Anyway, she brought me up to speed. She wanted to make sure I didn't go putting my foot in dragon dung and upsetting you."

Tess became defensive almost immediately. Clym knew he had to tread carefully, so he paused, trying to slow down the blathering tendencies which surfaced whenever he felt pressured. She cocked her head, appearing satisfied he had been wrong-footed. Her assuredness did not last, however.

"I'm so sorry to hear about Alex's death," he offered quietly.

Clym regretted his declaration almost immediately. Visible shock appeared upon her face at the mention of her former fiancé's name. Angry tears welled in her blue-grey eyes, and her features crumpled.

"I didn't know," Clym continued, unable to stop himself. She shuddered and looked away. "I never knew, no-one told me, Tess. I didn't even know you were engaged."

When she heard this confession, a change occurred, and she became emboldened once more. "Well, it just goes to show the world doesn't revolve around you, Clym. I never hid my engagement. You mustn't have been interested in what happened to me!"

"Don't say that, Tess! I've always been concerned for your welfare. That's why..."

"Spare me your excuses; I don't want to hear them. It took me a long time to find someone worth taking a risk for, and he died on a mission for the Order of the Phoenix. He didn't hide himself away in a Ministry cubby-hole, safe from He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, like you did."

"That's hardly fair, Tess. I had my family to think about, my children..."

Clym's explanation died on his lips when Tess stormed down the corridor and ran up the stairs, her cheeks stained with tears. Her reaction hit him like a Bludger to the chest.

Sprinting up the dungeon staircase, Tess dodged the Ministry workforces who were rebuilding the Entrance Hall and courtyard, and she walked briskly out of Hogwarts Castle, attempting to hide her tears. Soon she was running down the grassy slope towards the lake, black crows scattering in her wake as angry sobs clawed at her throat.

She reached the pebbly shore and grabbed several large stones, hurling them unceremoniously into the water with gratifying splashes and plopping sounds. A solitary raven watched her from a pine tree overhead as she vented her confusion and distress, until she finally slouched onto a fallen tree trunk, child-like and ashamed.

Her loss of composure in front of Clym had taken her completely by surprise. She hadn't expected to see him at Hogwarts; indeed, she had tried to keep him at arm's length ever since their reunion at the Ministry. Once upon a time, she would have given everything she owned to be reunited with him, but more than a decade had passed, and her heart now belonged to someone else.

Whilst the strength of these old feelings troubled her deeply, they did not diminish the love she felt for Severus. She wished she could just slip on the Tiger's Eye ring to be with him, but she'd been given strict instructions to be supervised during her unconscious moments in Severus's haven, and it would be hours until the Hospital Wing would accept her for the evening. Tess knew a few minutes with Severus would wash away the turmoil of emotion burning inside her body, and she might find the courage to deal with the skeletons rattling inside her long-forgotten closet.

Tess had stopped loving Clym many years ago. Despite this, Clym's apology in the Leaky Cauldron had meant something; she could not deny his remorse had met a need: an old need, a need which had once been desperate and critical for her to fulfil. During an earlier period of her life, a dark and bleak time of despair and melancholy, she had looked to Clym to provide evidence that she was a good person. Moreover, a woman who deserved to be loved. But he hid himself away in the Department of Mysteries, and it took years for Tess's depression to lift.

She chose the hard road, searched for her self-worth on her own, without a man who loved her. But it had been worth the effort, worth the pain, because she had emerged stronger and more at peace. Eventually, she felt ready to make changes in her life. She transferred to the Ludicrous Patents Office and soon met Alex, the man who became her fiancé. Alex was a kind man who gave his love freely; he was calm, steady and solid. There was very little excitement in their relationship, but Tess craved none, for she had her fill with Clym. She needed someone in whom she could depend, someone who could love her without condition, and Alex met those needs.

They'd been together for just over a year when Alex was abducted and murdered by Antonin Dolohov, and Tess's grief had taken a long time to resolve. When Severus discovered the location of her fiancé's body, Tess was finally able to give Alex a proper burial and move on with her life. Even now, though, she still felt sadness, but that was to be expected.

However, when Clym had spoken of her dead fiancé, Tess had felt enraged to the point of tears. She felt Alex's memory had been sullied somehow, as though Clym had the power to taint a piece of her past which she held dear. Clym's final blow had been mention of his family, by way of excusing himself, yet again, for his behaviour. She had heard that justification too often in the past, and she felt incensed and belittled to hear those words again, all these years later. She realised she might be harbouring unresolved feelings, and no matter how distasteful, these emotions were real and vying for her attention. She desperately wanted to escape the tumult and lie safely in Severus's embrace, yet Tess also knew that running from her emotions would eventually cause more harm. The dichotomy of her situation meant the path ahead would be far from easy.

By the time Aurora Sinistra found Tess by the lakeside, she had regained her composure from her encounter with Clym, even though her wounds were still open and raw. Tess felt indebted to Aurora for the care she'd shown on the day Severus died, and the Astronomy professor had continued to offer her support and friendship in the weeks which followed the final battle; Tess doubted she would have survived intact without the kindness of this woman. She felt the gentle pressure of Aurora's hand upon her shoulder and the warm weight of her body as she settled down on the makeshift seat. The raven cried overhead and spread its wings, flying away like a dark spectre through the trees.

"Is this about Severus?" Aurora asked, gazing across the body of water rippling gently towards the shore.

Tess sighed. "No," she answered simply. She wanted, needed, someone to hear her, but was reluctant to confide the twists and turns of her unspoken past with Clym for fear of being criticised or judged.

"I can put two and two together, you know," Aurora said sympathetically. "It's clear you have history with Clym."

"How do you know his name?" Tess asked.

"He introduced himself properly in the Headmistress's office."

Tess nodded glumly.

"You don't have to tell me everything, but whatever went on between you is obviously causing you pain. Please don't suffer in silence, Tess."

"I'm embarrassed," Tess admitted. "I don't want you to think any less of me."

Aurora smiled sadly and placed an arm around Tess's shoulder. "It's OK. I think I've got the measure of you. I promise I won't condemn."

Words took a long time to find their way out, so long had they been trapped inside.

"I don't know where to begin," Tess whispered.

"Start at the beginning," Aurora suggested softly.

Tess stared at the rippling surface of the lake. "I was twenty-one when I met him," she remembered, shifting in her seat. "Clym was an Obliviator in the Accidental Magic Reversal Squad when I was their trainee Potioneer. We hit it off when we realised we originated from the same part of Wales. He'd been at the Durmstrang Institute, and I was fascinated by his stories and knowledge; he'd been taught magic completely unknown to me. I'd never met anyone so exciting; he was ten years older, and he seemed to know so much about the world. He became my mentor, teaching me the basics of Obliviation and Occlumency. We became good friends and then..."

"Go on, Tess."

"He wooed me in secret, saying he didn't want people to gossip about a workplace relationship, and I enjoyed the thrill of clandestine communication and covert meetings. I was young and naïve; I trusted him and thought he loved me."

Aurora placed her hand reassuringly upon Tess's. "Quick to hope, and therefore easily deceived?"

Tess nodded, encouraged by her understanding. "The romance was thrilling; he took me to faraway places, expanded my horizons with new experiences, and made me believe... Well, anyway, I fell head-over-heels in love with him... and somehow I lost who I was, like he swallowed a part of me, a part of my identity. I only felt whole when I was with him. Twelve months into our romance, I began to ask searching questions, and I realised all was not as it seemed. I wanted the secrecy to end; I wanted Clym to meet my family, and I wanted to tell the world about us. He... He made empty excuses, and I started to realise I had been deceived..."

"Was he married, Tess?"

"Worse than that. Married, with a child."

"Oh, dear Merlin!"

"It turned out he'd wed a pureblood witch years before, an arranged marriage as far as Clym was concerned, to maintain the purity of the blood line, and when she gave birth to a Squib, their marriage fell to pieces. Sophia, his wife, couldn't bear the shame, and he was incapable of consoling her. She moved to the Welsh town of Newport and raised her child as a Muggle, and Clym took a Ministry home in London, going back to see his family once a week. When I confronted him, he told me he'd planned to divorce his wife when we'd started our relationship, but she resisted his wishes and begged him to stay. Then, she fell pregnant with their second child. Clym maintained she had used dishonest measures to ensnare him. I didn't know whether or not to believe him..." Tess paused. The next part of the tale would require strength.

"What happened when you became aware of the truth?" Aurora asked.

"I couldn't leave him," Tess said, her cheeks burning with shame. "I'd been in a relationship with him for so long, and I couldn't bear to lose him. But it was the start of a steady decline. Sophia gave birth to a little boy, Madock, and he soon began to demonstrate magical abilities. Clym's heart melted with pride. When it became obvious that he would never leave his wife, I found the courage to end our relationship. Clym was devastated but unrepentant of his decision to stay with his family, and the Accidental Magic Reversal Department became a very difficult place for us both. I was utterly heartbroken, and it was unbearable working so close to him. It would have been so easy for me to run back into his arms.

"But then, one day I went to work, and he was simply gone. I discovered his London dwelling vacant and learned he'd accepted a promotion to the Department of Mysteries and moved lock, stock and barrel to a hidden office. Years later, I also discovered he'd returned to live with his wife and family in Newport."

Both women sat in silence for a long time. Tess eventually arose and began to skim stones across the lake, watching them glide across the dark water before disappearing into the abyss. She felt a little bit calmer, a part of her soul unburdened.

"How do you feel about Clym now?" Aurora asked from the edge of the lake.

Tess laughed mirthlessly. "I'm not in love with him, if that's what you're thinking. Just at this moment, it's more like hate. I'm constantly on guard around him, wary of being manipulated, and... I'm afraid."

"Afraid of what?"

"I don't know." Tess closed her eyes and turned her face to the sun. "He feels like a threat... A threat to who I believe myself to be. I thought I was over him, but if that were true, why does he polarise my emotions? And why can't I allow myself to be alone with him?"

Tess's eyes were open again, staring up at the clouds in the sky. She knew Aurora did not hold the answers to her questions.

"Have you told Severus any of this?"

Tess shook her head dolefully. "How can I? He's got enough on his plate, worrying about the revivification and what consequences might await him. How can I risk opening up this can of worms, knowing Severus might sit for hours on that riverbank fretting about it?"

Aurora remained seated, staring across the lake, deep in thought.

"Can you trust Clym?" she eventually asked. "Can you trust him with Severus's life?"

"Believe me, I've agonised over that... Agonised enough for the both of us. The answer is 'yes'. Clym has given me his word."

"Is his word good enough for you?"

"It has to be."