My Confession

S and h forever is a beautiful, beautiful beta. I adore her.

Thanks to all the readers and reviewers out there! Continued feedback would be lovely!

"Now I feel myself surrender, each time I see your face. I am staggered by your beauty, your unassuming grace. And I feel my heart is turning, falling into place. I can't hide, now hear my confession." (My Confession, by Josh Groban)

Hermione woke to the throbbing pain in her arm, a reminder of the night before. Despite what had happened, she slept well... really well, better than she had in weeks. The memory came rushing back as her mind's eye saw Severus carrying her back to her room and his ensuing confrontation with Ron. Their voices had brought Hermione back to consciousness, and she had been shocked to find that they were actually fighting. She would never have guessed that Ron could have garnered the courage to take on Snape in such a forceful manner, having some recollection of Ron throwing the phrase "you twisted fuck" in their professor's general direction. She chuckled to herself as she made her way down the stairs to explain what had happened but was slightly taken aback by the greeting that awaited her. Harry and Ron didn't look the least bit distraught; she had expected an onslaught of frantic questions the minute she appeared. Instead, they looked as though she was getting up for just another ordinary day. Did she dream that her potion had worked? She shifted her gaze quickly to her arm. The bandage was still firmly in place; it was no dream. Why then, were they so calm?

"Good afternoon, Hermione! You certainly seem to have slept well!" Her two friends smiled at each other as they saw the shock register on her face.

"AFTERNOON? I've completely slept through half the day? Why didn't you send someone to get me! I can't believe you've let me miss classes! What time is it? I can probably still make it to Ancient Runes. I have to get my bag!"

"Hermione, calm down, it's Saturday. There are no classes," Harry replied before she could charge back up the steps, taking far too much pleasure in her panic. It was rare that Hermione got worked into such a frenzy, let alone forgot which day it was, and he planned on savoring every minute of it. "We knew you had a rough night with work, so we were happy when you slept in so late. You've been way too stressed out lately and needed the sleep. By the way... what's really up with the bandage? We were a little... worried when we saw you last night."

Hermione felt a new twinge of pain at the mention of her arm, agonizingly aware that Harry and Ron's stares had immediately fallen upon it the instant she had walked into the room. She took a deep breath as she began telling her story, careful not to reveal too much about her work with Snape.

"Worried? I'd say you were a little more than worried. I'm surprised I didn't wake up to hexes flying around the room! Well... Professor Snape and I are working together on various potions for the Order, as I've mentioned before. I thought I had successfully completed my first assignment, but when I stirred in the last ingredient, nothing happened. It's been about a month or so since then, and I've been busy trying to rework my original calculations. It certainly didn't help that Professor Snape was unable to help me in his absence, hence my exhaustion and frustration. Then last night, it hit me that the power of the potion needed to come from something extraordinary, something that normal ingredients couldn't supply. And then I thought of you, Harry, and the sacrifice your mum made to save you. So I decided to try pouring my own desire to help the Order and defeat Voldemort into the potion, using my blood as a catalyst. Snape did try to stop me, Ron. He didn't know what I was going to do with the knife and got worried that I was going to harm myself. I hadn't planned on fainting, of course. That sort of just happened. I haven't been getting enough sleep or eating very well, lately. I guess that, mixed with the pain and sight of my own blood, made me a little light-headed. Anyway, it was certainly none of the professor's doing. You shouldn't have snapped at him like that last night, but I do appreciate your concern." She smiled at him softly, not wanting to belabor her point but hoping that he felt just a tad guilty.

"Wow, Hermione. I definitely wouldn't have guessed that was what happened. I mean really, how could you blame me for thinking that Snape had hurt you when he carried you in passed out with a HUGE bandage on your arm? What else was I supposed to think? I guess I did react a little strongly... oh well, he'll get over it."

Hermione smiled as Ron struggled to come up with excuses, finding his clumsiness somewhat endearing.

"It's okay, Ron. I'll tell Snape you've realized that you overreacted last night. I'm going to let him know that I'm alright now, anyway. Oh, and I should check on my potion! I'll see you both at dinner!"

*******

Hermione practically tore down Severus' door as she let herself in, desperate to find out what had happened to the potion in her absence. She ran by his desk without bothering to acknowledge him, completely forgetting that she had stopped by to let him know how she was doing. Noticing her urgency, Severus followed quietly behind her into the lab. Hermione sighed as she gazed proudly at the masterpiece simmering in the cauldron beneath her as if it were her newborn child and she was already letting it go into the world to find its destiny. Oh yes, she was feeling much better.

"Yes! Severus, it's stabilized. What test should we administer to find out if it really works? I suppose we could always test on animals. I'm sure we can convince Professor McGonagall to let us use her students' Transfiguration assignments gone wrong; those poor creatures deserve to be put out of their misery. I'll run over to her office now and..."

Severus cut her off before she could finish, knowing that his silence would only prolong the inevitable. "We can't test on animals; the entire purpose of this potion is to protect wizards and witches. Unless we know how our own species will react to the digestion of the potion, we can't begin to distribute it within the Order for more general use. I took some of the potion myself, a little over half an hour ago. Congratulations, as of yet there are no noticeable side effects. So, now all you have to do is cast the Cruciatus Curse on me."

She nodded her head in agreement, hardly hearing his invitation to curse him as a result of the disinterested, matter-of-fact way in which he said it. Hermione mentally followed his chain of reasoning once more, but this time her eyes went wide as she realized the gravity of his request. There was no way in hell she was about to curse him, and before she knew it, she was yelling at him with all her strength.

"Damn it, Severus! Do you enjoy causing me pain? How could you ask me to do that?" Her eyes began to water as she remembered him bleeding on the floor the night he had been tortured.

"Hermione, why would this cause you pain? Your potion is practically guaranteed to work; it's green and sparkly for God's sake. I'm sure if you focus hard enough on the anger you and your little friends have harbored over the years at my expense, you'll have no problem motivating yourself to conjure the curse. Now please, let's finish this sometime tonight. I'm waiting."

Snape was egging her on and he knew it. The staff had told him how strongly Hermione had been affected by the appearance of his mangled body, and now he wanted to find out for himself exactly how she felt. She hadn't even been the least bit distraught when she recovered from being Petrified in her second year. Why was she so upset about his own pains? No ordinary feelings of friendship would merit such a significant reaction. He watched as Hermione struggled with herself, trying to figure out how to respond to him.

"You said it yourself, Severus, I was not prepared to see the things of which Voldemort was capable. He's unnecessarily cruel, merciless, and sadistic. Knowing what I know now, there is no way I could bring myself to curse anyone, especially you. I won't watch you writhe in pain knowing it has been delivered by my hand. Surely, you wouldn't wish that on me." She may have responded calmly, but her eyes pleaded him to stop pushing her.

Still, Severus fought back. He wanted answers. Her sanity be damned.

"Hermione, you will cast the curse, and nothing will happen. Everything will be..."

"But what if the potion doesn't work? What then? I won't do this. You can't make me! Tell me, Severus, why should I do this?" Hermione was tired and unwilling to play games with him. Not now, at least. He had a point about the need to try the potion on humans instead of animals, but why couldn't they slip some to Draco? She'd be more than happy to Crucio him.

"For the sake of research!" he responded ardently, unknowingly raising his voice as well. He knew to expect it but was taken aback by her fervent response all the same. "Even if it fails, my pain will spare countless witches and wizards the same fate. I am willing to accept that! You would only need to curse me one, short time! I have experienced far worse. You know that! How is this any different from you slicing your arm open? Why are you being so goddamned stubborn? Tell me, Hermione, why shouldn't you do this?" He turned away from her when he had finished yelling, afraid that his rage would take control of him. He was well aware of all that he was capable of when he was angered; he had been in the service of the Dark Lord for years, after all. He would rather die than hurt the bewildered young woman standing before him.

"Please stop, Severus. I just can't bring myself to do it. I can't; I won't!" She was no longer screaming, but her voice came out in choked sobs, causing Severus to wince. Nothing pained him more than seeing Hermione cry, especially if it was because of him, but he was determined to get the answers he sought.

"WHY THE FUCK NOT?"

"BECAUSE I THINK I LOVE YOU, YOU THICK BASTARD..."

A sharp silence claimed the room as Hermione realized what the pressure of his questioning had caused her to reveal. She wished that she could melt into a puddle on the floor and disappear. Her faced burned, and her pulse quickened as Severus turned and rushed towards her, his face completely devoid of emotion. The determined look in his eyes frightened Hermione into thinking that he might strike her, and she immediately began apologizing.

"Shit. Oh God, Professor, I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over me; that outburst was completely uncalled for. I wasn't thinking. I'm so sorry. I've ruined everything. I didn't even realize I felt that way... well, not completely. All I wanted to do was say no, but you just wouldn't let me. You just kept pushing and pushing! You gave me no choice!" She began scrambling for words as Snape came closer and closer to her. "I understand if you don't want to work with me anymore. I'll talk to Dumbledore and ask for a different independent study. You can just go ahead and take full credit for the potion if you want. I'll..."

At that moment, Severus silenced Hermione's ramblings by claiming her mouth forcefully with his own. Her body didn't have a chance to relax after realizing he hadn't actually hit her, and she tensed at the new sensations assaulting her senses. Her mind screamed for her to stop; everything about this was wrong. Her professor was kissing her, and she was pretty sure that she was kissing him back. It was irresponsible, immoral, and could probably get her expelled, but it felt so indescribably perfect. The questions constantly plaguing her recent internal monologues were proven correct: she wanted Severus. Hermione leaned into him as the kiss deepened, her need matching his own, each releasing the passions they had desperately tried to suppress for so long. Severus' hand pressed firmly into the small of her back in response, drawing her even closer as his lips moved to her neck. Hermione let her head roll to the side as an incredible explosion of heat spread through her veins. Her skin felt as though it were on fire wherever he touched her, and she found herself melting into him, opening herself to the slow, delicious burn of her desire. She lost herself in his kisses and moaned into his mouth as his lips met hers once more. Her reaction brought Severus back to reality, and he quickly pushed her from him. She stepped towards him in response, but found herself unable to move any farther as his hands grasped her shoulders tightly, holding her in place.

"Hermione, stop," he whispered as he closed his eyes. It appeared as though he were in pain. "This never should have happened. You need to leave now. Just... just go." He relaxed his grip on her and turned away abruptly, moving towards the door to his bedroom.

"My God, Severus, why do you always have to avoid everything? Your feelings are not bad. My feelings are not bad. Ignoring me will not solve this problem. I will still want you. And you will still want me. Yes, Severus," she continued as she noticed how his muscles tensed upon hearing her statement. "You can't run from the fact that you want me. Don't lie; I could feel it the second you touched me. We need to talk about this. I don't want to leave. I want to stay here... with you. I meant what I said; I think I love you. I've never felt like this about anyone before. No matter how hard I tried with Ron, he never made me feel the way I do now. What else could it be, if not love?"

"No, we are not going to talk about this. I obviously cannot deny that I feel something for you, I wouldn't have kissed you otherwise, but I refuse to either act on or classify it. Forget that this ever happened. I will say no more on my own sentiments towards you. You are still a child, Hermione; you have no idea what you want. Believe me; you do not want to stay here right now, and you certainly don't love me. You only think you do. Love is simply a delusion of the mind, a figment of the imagination. It doesn't exist, especially not in my world. I am sure someone as intelligent as you can figure that out." His own words stabbed at his heart as well as hers, and he saw a new wave of anger swelling inside of Hermione. She wasn't going to make things easy for him, was she?

"Don't call me a child, Severus! How dare you tell me what I want and how I feel! We will talk about this... I will make you hear me! Why can't you let yourself be happy for once in your life? Why are you so afraid? What happened to you?"

"You have proven my point by your clear inability to control your emotions. You leave me with no choice but to judge your declaration of love as a misdirection of juvenile attachment. You will leave my office immediately and never speak of this to anyone. There will be severe consequences if you do. Good afternoon, Miss Granger." He turned his back on her yet again, and the last of Hermione's resolve disintegrated; she swiftly raised her wand.

"CRUCIO!" she yelled, hurling the curse at Severus' unsuspecting body. She expected him to fall to the floor, but nothing happened. He merely looked over his shoulder to smirk at her before entering his chambers and closing the door, leaving Hermione fuming behind him.

"Dammit, my fucking potion worked," Hermione muttered before storming back up to her rooms, thinking of all the things that she had yet to say to Severus Snape and how she could make him listen.

Hermione was planning her revenge, and oh how sweet it would be.