Part Thirty-Three

AN: Our undying thanks go out to Lariope for her awesome beta skills.

It was only a few hours before the wizard lying on the bed regained consciousness and groaned. Sitting up and swinging his legs over the side left Severus dizzy and grateful that he hadn't eaten prior to taking the antidote. A few deep breaths chased the dizziness away and settled his stomach, but there was still something not normal. It took only a moment for him to realize there was a deep abyss where the fanatical love for Lily used to reside, and Severus understood instantly what had killed the mice.

"Loneliness killed the bloody little buggers," he muttered as he rose, determined to update the notes on the antidote. "They'd had no prior experience with our type of emotions or how to deal with the gaping maw left behind."

He stripped off his cloak and the frock coat before starting the trek to his lab. Stopping by the kitchen, he drank three large glasses of water before his thirst was quenched. Once in the lab, Severus rolled up the sleeves of his shirt before placing the bodies of the mice under a Stasis Charm. He grabbed the appropriate set of notes and flipped to the end.

The subject to be given the antidote will resist due to the nature of the original potion. Bindings may be required to ensure their cooperation. An empty stomach would be advisable. Prior to consuming the antidote, the subject should be placed on a flat surface and advised that the effects are almost immediate. There will be some pain involved, profuse sweating, and the subject will in all likelihood become unconscious. When consciousness is regained, the subject will note dizziness, nausea, and an emptiness where the false emotion resided. It is supposed that the longer the subject was under the influence of the original potion, the larger the emptiness will feel; therefore this antidote should be administered as soon as possible.

Satisfied that his duty as a Potions master was done, Severus sat down on one of the lab stools before he started poking and prodding at the emotions he had left. He was quite relieved to realize he still detested Potter, Black and Lupin – was still fond of Minerva, Hooch and a number of others he'd put up with over the years – but when he thought of Hermione...

"Oh, fucking hell," Severus muttered before his head lowered to rest on the arms he'd folded on the lab table. He loved her. Not as a friend, not as a doting Minerva loved her star Gryffindor student, but as a man loved and desired a woman. The way he'd thought for so long he'd loved Lily.

As he brought memory after memory back – including some of the ones when she'd still been a student – Severus found a difference. The love he'd felt for Lily would never allow itself to be doubted. It had been a solid wall of unquestioning devotion, while the – whatever it was he felt for Hermione since he hesitated to call it what he thought it might be – was a mixed bag of irritation, affection, admiration, lust, and at times exasperation.

Is it real? Is it nothing more than an attempt to fill that gaping hole?

Sitting up, Severus pulled his notes back in front of him to add:

The subject should be advised to carefully monitor their emotions. Any realizations of an immediate new love interest should be tempered with the knowledge that it may be nothing more than the psyche's attempt to fill the emptiness.

He still needed to confront the feelings he had left for Lily, and he was – dismayed – and then comforted to find he did still love her. Not with the all-consuming passion he'd grown accustomed to, but with a gentle warmth that acknowledged her rightful place in his past. Severus was quite astonished to realize he was crying when a few tears fell on his hands and the notes he'd been so careful to update. He pulled a kerchief from his pocket, carefully wiped them away and blew his nose.

"And that's quite enough of that," he told himself sternly before he rose and headed for his desk in the sitting room. Severus wanted to further test the effectiveness of the potion, and he knew of only one way. After pulling Lily's picture from the hidden drawer, a wave of sadness passed over him. It was a sadness that mourned the passing of his childhood friend, and was accompanied by regret that he'd ultimately been the cause of her death.

"What now, dear Lily?" Severus asked the laughing, smiling face, and he suddenly knew what he needed to do with the picture. Sitting down, he pulled out a fresh sheet of parchment and began to write.

Potter,

Snape

The letter was folded quite carefully around the photo before being placed in an envelope. Potter's name was scribbled on it and Severus turned to bellow for Yorick.

The perch was empty.

"Of all the times for that blasted bird to decide he was hungry and go out–" Snape's mild tirade halted as his hand slammed down on the almost empty desk surface. His hastily drawn-up will was still there, along with the letter addressed to Potter, but the one addressed to Hermione wasn't.

"That damned, interfering chicken is going to rue the day he disobeyed me!"

-~8~-

Work was hectic, as was usual for a Monday. Hermione didn't have a chance to sit from the moment she arrived that morning.

She had no idea what time it was when Yorick first appeared. Her hands were full, and the falcon refused to allow anyone else close enough to remove the letter from its talons. Since it was far too early to declare the antidote a success, Hermione assumed the note was merely Severus letting her know that the mice were once again in love and the antidote had failed. He might even have added a post script inviting her over to discuss the matter.

With the idea of dinner with Severus on her mind, Hermione instructed Yorick to wait in her office, and the bird flew off. When she managed to make her way there twenty minutes later, the room was empty.

Some time later, Yorick appeared again. Hermione quickly passed her armful of books to Mister Fitzgerald and snagged the letter, tucking it into her pocket to read when she had her afternoon tea.

Once she finally opened the missive and absorbed the words, Hermione thought she might faint. She was white as a ghost, light-headed and sick to her stomach as she rushed out of her office. There wasn't even time to let Mister Fitzgerald know she was leaving.

If this turns out well, you'll never see this note.

She ran to the nearest Apparation point.

You'll be quite angry with me I'm sure... I couldn't take the chance you would try to prevent me from taking the potion.... all twelve mice are dead...

Something obscured her vision, and Hermione realized she was crying.

If I do die, please don't blame yourself.

Die...

Somehow she managed to make it to his flat without splinching.

She wanted to call out his name, but the word was stuck in the back of her throat, choking her.

Hermione had to blink several times to make sure she was seeing what she thought she was seeing.

Severus. Alive.

"You bastard! You fucking bastard! How could you?"

And then, to her complete and utter humiliation, everything went black.

-~8~-

The soft pop of an Apparation had drawn Severus out of the lab where he'd been bottling the remainder of the antidote. He'd barely opened his mouth to apologize – explain that the bloody bird had disobeyed him – when Hermione screamed at him. This, of course, severed only to ignite his own short temper.

Bloody hell! So, now I'm a bastard, again. Fine. Whatever. I knew it would never–

"Shit!" flew out of his mouth when Hermione collapsed on the floor. He hurried to her side just as Yorick returned to his perch.

"See what you've done, you stupid birdbrain! This is all your fault!" Severus yelled at the bird while he checked Hermione's pulse and was relieved to see she still breathed. He Accioed a pillow from his bed and placed it under her feet, unsure if he should move her or not.

"Where's a bloody Mediwitch when you need one," he muttered after obtaining his cloak from the rack and covering her form. "Hermione?" he asked, while noting the color was starting to return to her face.

I love her. Oh, fucking hell – I do, hit him in the chest like a sledgehammer.

What do I have to offer?

Money...but that nonsense will surely end within a year and we'd need to be frugal. No more pretty combs, nights on the town, or champagne for lunch.

Severus rose and gazed down on the witch that had so changed his life for the better.

She deserves...so much more.

I have to make her hate me again.

"No time like the present," he muttered while he attempted to harden his heart. "Yorick, keep an close eye on her until she wakes up. It wouldn't do for her to come around and find me playing the lovesick hero hoping his lady fair opens her eyes."

It took every ounce of will power he had to leave her there – alone – on the floor as he walked back into his lab. It would be cruel, and he didn't know if he could carry out his plan, but he needed to give it his best effort. The remaining antidote was bottled, but as his hands were anything but steady, there were a few spills to be mopped up. For the second time in the same morning, Severus found himself wiping away a few tears.

I'm so fucking screwed.

-~8~-

She was dreaming, she had to be. Severus was dead, but he wasn't. He'd taken an untested potion and it killed him, but then he was there, talking to her.

No, not to her. To Yorick.

... the lovesick hero... his lady fair...

Something tugged on her hair, hard. Hermione opened her eyes and found herself nose to beak with the falcon. She squeaked and Yorick flew back to his perch.

Severus was nowhere to be seen. If it wasn't for the cloak covering her, she might have thought she'd imagined him completely.

Where was he?

"Severus?" She sat up and looked around, seeing that the room was empty. "Severus?"

-~8~-

At the sound of her voice, Severus started to walk back toward the sitting room, but made himself stop. Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes and pretended he was talking to Yorick, "I'm here. Just a moment while I finish." A few items were noisily moved around, and he picked up a lab cloth on his way to the door. Stopping and leaning against the door frame, Severus made a show of wiping his hands.

"You've come around then, good. I'm very sorry Yorick delivered that letter," Severus said while sending the falcon a glare. "He wasn't supposed to. As you can see, I'm quite fine." He tossed the cloth in the direction of a table before moving to offer Hermione a hand.

"Are you recovered enough to drink some tea? A little added sugar wouldn't be amiss. Later on, if you're up to it and don't have to return to the bookstore, we could attempt another variation on the antidote."

-~8~-

He had left her there, on the floor? Alone? Unconscious?

For some reason, that just wasn't making any sense to her. There had to be something she was missing.

He offered his hand. Hermione stared at it for a long moment as he offered her tea and mentioned making another attempt for the antidote.

Suddenly, it hit her like a bludger to the head, and Hermione turned her head to look up at Severus, devastation written across her face.

It didn't work.

Hours upon hours of calculations and work and sweat and the sacrifice of the mice... all for nothing.

Severus talked of working on another variant, but Hermione knew deep in her heart that there was no other variant, that the formula they had brewed this final time was the last – the only – hope.

This was it. This was the reality she had been trying so hard to pretend she could change.

There is no cure.

He'll never be free. And he will never love me.

The strain of the day and her new knowledge overwhelmed her.

Hermione curled up upon herself and began to cry.

-~8~-

He'd been prepared for swear words. He'd even been prepared for a bit of screaming on Hermione's part while she tore through her notes, determined to find the error that wasn't there. Never, in his wildest imagination, had Severus been prepared to witness the heartfelt despair in her brown eyes. Nor had he been prepared for the pain it caused him. It felt as though a thousand splinters had been driven deep inside his chest. His feet seemed to be glued to the wretched floor as he watched the witch he loved, shrink and begin to cry.

His hand, still held out, trembled a bit before his knees finally obeyed him. "Hermione," he said softly while his hand reached out to stroke her hair. "Don't. Please, don't. There's no need."

There was a reason Severus Snape had never tried to comfort anyone. He was completely and utterly worthless at it. Hermione demonstrated that when she started crying even harder.

Well, shit. Now what the hell am I supposed...

Scooping Hermione up in his arms, Severus straightened – swallowed the groan his back was urging him to utter – before managing to stagger across to his chair. There, with the sobbing witch sitting on his lab, Severus found himself...

With a lap-full of soggy witch that's breaking the heart she helped me find, he thought irrationally.

"Hermione, please," he whispered hoarsely. "Don't." It wasn't working, and he had no idea what to do. "I lied," he said finally in an attempt to stop the flood. "I didn't actually lie," he clarified hurriedly. "I merely led you to believe the potion didn't work. You're brilliant, and the theory you worked out was spot on."

He closed his eyes, his head bent, resting lightly on hers. "It worked, but I–"

-~8~-

She didn't even register that he had picked her up and they were moving, caught up as she was in her misery.

Distantly, as if through muffling cotton wool, Hermione heard the words, "It worked." Her heart stuttered, the first surge of joy began to run through her body, almost enough to stall the tears, before she processed the rest of what he had said.

She wanted to hate him at that moment, with every fiber of her being, but there was a numbing sort of calmness taking her over, offering its sweet protection. If she didn't feel, she wouldn't hurt.

Her eyes were dull when she lifted her face and finished his sentence. "But you don't love me."

-~8~-

As easy as that, she offered him the perfect reason for the not-lie. All he had to do was agree with her reasoning and she'd be free. Free to find a wizard worthy of all that she offered.

And I'll never see her again.

Ever.

If he'd had splinters in his chest before, the bloody Sword of Gryffindor had taken their place when he saw the lackluster sheen of her eyes. All hope had died there and he was the cause.

"I do," he heard himself say softly and it was too damned late to take it back. "But you... You deserve so much more."

-~8~-

"You do." Her mouth formed the words carefully, as if they were foreign to her. She heard him say that he loved her, but it made no sense.

None.

If he loved her, why would he hurt her so?

You deserve so much more.

More than what?

More than him? Is that what he was trying to say? That was reason he had wrenched her heart from her chest and nearly destroyed it?

The blessed numbness was beginning to fade away, and Hermione was afraid that she might become sick at the onslaught of conflicting emotions ravaging her mind.

Severus was alive and he loved her! He had lied to her and tried to push her away. He thought he wasn't good enough for her. He had scared her nearly to death. Love, anger, sadness, residual fear and more all battled for dominance inside her.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, needing the moment to calm herself. Then, her eyes opened and met his.

"Say the words. I need to hear you say them."

-~8~-

This was the moment, in those silly romance books, that women dreamed about. Where the "hero" confessed his undying love for the heroine. According to Hermione, that's what attracted the majority of the readers for those sorry excuses of literature. Severus didn't know what kinds of scenes the authors would set up for the climatic moment in their stories, but he was fairly sure the current situation he and Hermione were in wouldn't qualify.

Severus did know that he'd never told anyone, other than his mother, that he loved them. The last time he'd done that he'd been a boy of perhaps ten. It was before he'd gone to Hogwarts. Before he'd fully realized what a disadvantage it was to have a Muggle father, which had made him almost hate her for a time.

As he looked into the depths of those brown eyes, Severus searched his heart. Hermione wanted him to tell her he loved her. He did. There was no doubt about that, but actually saying it was proving to be more difficult than he'd ever imagined it would be, because those three words were so terribly inadequate for what was housed in his chest.

"I can't," he stated softly as one hand stroked her cheek. "I don't merely love you. You've taken over the part of my soul that had given up on ever seeing the sun again. You've nourished it, healed it, made it whole again, and then stole it out of me forever."

-~8~-

If it hadn't been for the more than traumatic events of the last hour, Hermione might have had more of a reaction to his "I can't." As it was, there was barely an eye twitch before he had a chance to continue.

It wasn't "I love you." It was better than that.

She leaned into the hand stroking her cheek. "If I wasn't so happy to see you aren't dead, I would kill you myself. You are so very lucky I love you and I'm a sucker for pretty words, Severus Snape."

Hermione slid her arms around his neck and held him close, reassuring herself once again that he was real. "Please don't ever do something like that again. I thought my world had ended when I read your letter. I don't know what I would have done if you really were..."

-~8~-

"I won't," he promised quietly.

His arms moved to embrace her, and Severus marveled at what one small missive had wrought. If he had known then how it would end, Severus hoped that he would still have been moved to write that first scalding letter to the new manager of his favorite bookstore. He had spoken the truth when he said that Hermione had healed him. If he'd been released from the spell and the potion nullified without her, there wouldn't have been a life worth living at all.

Oh, fucking hell.

I suppose this means I'll have to make nice to Potter. Giving Hermione on kiss on her temple, he decided she was worth every moment of the torture he'd go through being pleasant to the brat.

Yorick, quiet through all of their revelations, chose this moment to seemingly nod his head. He stretched out his wings, gave the coat rack a glare, and left the couple sitting in Severus' chair. He had dinner to find and they needed time alone. He was fairly sure the fireworks were far from over, but his master and Hermione were finally on the right track.

*********

AN: There will be no epilogue for this story, but this part of their journey has indeed ended. They will appear from time to time in other stories that come from the Shattered Wands Universe. Darnedchild and I, devsgma, wish to thank all of you that have read and enjoyed our little tale. It's been a joy to write.