Wanting

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Chapter 6 – Wanting

Every night Snape waited for her to come to his side and he would love her. Lily felt it was terribly one-sided, so she decided to indulge him in oral sex. He was shocked at first that she would want to do that to him, but grateful and so happy that the first time he cried. He wept tears of joy that his love was finally with him. He told her often that he wanted to raise little Harry with her and marry her. They could have more babies together and live in the castle. He would do whatever she wished. He adored her, and she drove him to distraction.

Lily tried. She did try, but she just didn't feel for Severus how she felt for James. It wasn't the sex, the sex was incredible, and to be honest, to her everlasting shame, better than sex with James ever had been. She actually said it once as she climaxed. She told him no man had ever made her feel so good. That night had been explosive. He had looked at her afterwards and said, "Am I better than James?" She had whispered "yes" and then cried like a baby. He held her and soothed her.

"How could I say that? Even if it were true...I shouldn't have said it!" she had sobbed.

Snape had been full of pride and felt a huge part of him had taken the revenge he had always wanted from James Potter.

"Lily, it's okay. It's just sex. It doesn't diminish what you had or what you felt with him," he had whispered.

"I bet you're pleased," she had retorted bitterly.

"I'm a man, Lily. Men are selfish and petty creatures when it comes down to these matters. I will never ask you anything like that again and never disparage James or your marriage. You chose him, you married him, and you bore his son. I respect that."

"And?" she had whispered.

He had then caught her mouth in a searing kiss as he gently pushed her thighs apart again for himself.

"And now you are mine and I am yours. There will only be us in our bed, Lily. I won't make room for him. I will not cheapen what you had, but neither will I hold myself back from making you completely my own now."

***

Lily looked at the love bites Severus had left on her from the night before. Everything she had said was true. He was more attentive, considerate, loving to a fault, but she missed James' corny jokes and how he would tease her, chase her around the house, and tickle her. James had treated her as his equal, whereas, Severus treated her like she was made of glass and placed her on a pedestal. He didn't want her to do anything that would be beneath her. He wanted them to spend as much time as they could in the Potions lab together. He said he had missed it so much.

Lily saw how much of a boy Severus still was. He was still caught in the days of Hogwarts when they were children. Oh, sure, he knew how to fuck her into a senseless, quivering mass of womanhood, but she missed her arrogant, swaggering James and his Quidditch talk. She missed his dirty clothes lying about and how she used to nag him about being tidier. Plus, every time she looked at Harry, she wanted to cry. She still loved James. She always would.

***

It was a joyous Christmas that year. Severus went with Hagrid on his yearly trips into the forest to cut down a tree for the Great Hall and picked out a smaller tree to put up in their sitting room.

Hagrid was very territorial about Lily, and he couldn't help himself to ask about their relationship.

"Uh, Professor Snape, I hope yer won' be offended, but I was very fond of James an' Lily. I jus' wan' ter know if things are a'right with all of you," he asked meekly.

Snape gave a genuine smile to the half-giant. "Hagrid, I can honestly say that I have never been happier in my whole life. Having Lily and Harry with me has given me such joy I cannot even describe it. However, Lily is still grieving and sometimes is sad. I try hard to lift her spirits. Harry, though, is the best medicine for her. He is the light of her life!"

Hagrid looked confused. "Yer not upse' tha' Harry looks so much like his dad?" he asked.

"No, Hagrid, it does not. The first time I held him I looked into his beautiful green eyes and I was completely done for!" He chuckled at the memory of that day.

Hagrid seemed pleased. "Well, Professor, I am happy tha' Lily and Harry have someone like yerself to watch out fer 'em," he said relieved.

"Thank you, Hagrid," the wizard replied.

***

Lily had been shocked at the lengths Severus had gone to make a nice Christmas for them. He got Harry a tiny little toy potions kit with a play cauldron and stirrers. He happily played with the boy, talking up a storm about Potions. Harry loved the sound of his voice. He always looked at his father figure with such joy and intensity that each time she would catch the look on Harry's face, it would take Lily's breath away. She had knitted for Severus a scarf with Slytherin colors. Severus gave her a small emerald ring. She slipped it on her right hand and asked him if he was offended.

"No, Lily. You have made it plain you want to wait the traditional year of mourning before making such decisions. I just wanted you to have it because I love you, and you are beautiful. A-A beautiful woman deserves beautiful things," he said nervously.

He played with the ring now on her finger as he spoke, and Lily was touched by his shyness and noticed he was blushing. She gave him a kiss on his lips, and he embraced her in return.

"Will you come to me again, Lily?" he asked timidly in her ear.

"Don't I always, Severus?" she replied.

"Do you mind that I want you so much? Should I not ask you every night?" he whispered shyly.

"No, Severus. I'll tell you if I am not in the mood. You make me feel good, Sev. You are a fantastic lover," she confessed as her face grew hot.

Severus was so proud he wanted to puff out his chest and shout it to the world that Lily thought him worthy. He would just have to remain patient until they could wed. She was his now. She was going to be in his bed tonight, and that was all that mattered.

He kissed her hard and passionately. "Happy Christmas, Lily."

"Happy Christmas, Sev," she replied.

***

When the winter had been at its height, the last of the Death Eaters had been rounded up. Even Snape had been arrested. That had been a terrible time, waiting to see if he would ever return. Lily had never been so frightened and alone in her life. It had been pure torture every minute he had been away. She realized she did not know how to function without him. Finally, Dumbledore had persuaded the Wizengamot of his innocence, and he returned to Lily's open arms. She had planned an elaborate seduction in her mind as a welcome home present, but she never got the chance. The moment he returned, he swiftly arranged for Minerva to watch Harry for the night, showered, and took Lily to bed without to much as two words spoken between them. She had stood there in the sitting room, confused, as Severus showered wondering what was going on when Severus reemerged from the bathroom clad in a towel, grabbed her forcefully into his arms, and carried her to their bed. She was able to scream her pleasure without worrying about Harry: she felt wild and free.

Hours later, the room smelling of their joined sex and sweat, she thought she could not remember ever being so thoroughly fucked in her life. She felt decadently ravished as she lay limply on their bed. She couldn't move if she had wanted to and couldn't have cared less.

***

Life had become routine. Lily had a comfortable life. Everything and anything she could ever want was hers for the taking. Little Harry was becoming more and more attached to Severus. It hurt her heart to know Harry would never know his father. It hurt even more that she had seemed to have replaced James so easily. She felt a terrible sense of guilt and pain. She officially moved into Severus' bed after Christmas and they lived as husband and wife. Many times, he had asked her to marry him, but she said she didn't want all the gossip and for all their reputations to be tarnished. As far as the world knew, she was dead. They couldn't marry without announcing her survival from Voldemort's attack. She didn't want her marriage to be her debut back into the Wizarding world. It seemed to appease the wizard, but in truth, Lily didn't know if she wanted to marry Severus. She had tried, she had, but she just didn't feel for Severus what she felt for James. It drove her to distraction.

She knew she should be grateful. She berated herself for her selfishness. She watched Harry and felt like she owed him to have this life. Harry shouldn't have to suffer because of her. She sat most evenings after dinner and watched Severus play with Harry. He was completely in love with him. He would patiently walk him around his lab and everything Harry pointed to he would explain. He would pick him up and swing him around until Harry laughed and laughed so hard he couldn't catch his breath. Every night he bathed him, snuggled, and read to him as Harry drank his evening milk.

One evening, Lily watched them lightly dozing in front of the fire. Severus had been reading a story to Harry, and he had fallen asleep in his lap. He moved his head slightly and kissed Harry on top of his head before leaning back and closing his eyes. Harry snuggled deeper into his chest and wrapped his little hand around Severus' neck. Her heart broke. She slipped into the bathroom and closed the door, sobbing so hard; she thought her heart would explode. She covered her mouth and whimpered. How dare she be so selfish when Harry was so loved and happy! He already had James taken from him, how could she even think of it. How could she think of taking Harry away from Severus? He adored her boy and loved her. He could give her everything: safety, security, babies, love, sex, and companionship. What was wrong with her?

***

"Severus," she said nervously over dinner, "I want to see Remus."

He looked at her with concern. He knew from the look on her face that it wasn't a request. He would have absolutely no say in the matter. She was going to see the werewolf, and there was nothing he could do about it. He chewed his food slowly. He swallowed and said, "Do you know where he is living now?"

She shifted her food on her plate. "I was going to ask Dumbledore," she confessed. She dropped her fork impatiently and said sadly, "Severus, Remus is all I have left."

Snape could feel the anger rising up in him. He threw his napkin down on the table and bolted upright, his chair crashing onto the floor.

"All you have left? And exactly what am I?" he demanded.

Lily covered her face with her hands. "I-I didn't mean it like that, Sev, I didn't!" she said desperately. She looked up at him, her green eyes awash with tears. "It's just that he knew James, Sirius, and Peter. I feel I have to try and see if there was something I missed."

She barked a laugh as the tears ran down her cheeks. "James always said I was too caring for my own good. I was too trusting, too open. That's so funny now, isn't it? James' own best friend and the godfather of my son!" She began to shake and cradled her head in her hands.

"I can't live with all this! I have to figure this out!" she raged.

They were both silent for a moment and in that moment Lily felt that he knew, he knew she didn't love him, that she wanted to take Harry and run far away from this world, far from all the memories. But just then, Harry started to cry from his bedroom. Lily closed her eyes. It was as if she had to remind herself of the reality of her life. Harry needed her to stay. She had to do what was best for him.