Confusion

Chapter 20 - Confusion

Harry was pushed out of Snape's hospital room as the Healers came to calm the professor. He walked out into the hallway and faced Hermione, Ginny, and Lupin.

Harry was crying.

He looked at Lupin with such anger. "You son-of-a-bitch! Why did you make me do that?"

Lupin's face remained passive. "You needed to know the truth, Harry. Severus is the only one who can give it to you. Albus, Minerva, Hagrid, and I only really saw glimpses into your home life. You all seemed to be happy, healthy, loved. You were doted on, cherished, and content. Yet, Lily was suffering in some way. Sirius accused Severus of keeping her against her will, which was utter rot! She lived with Severus because she chose him. She chose her life with him. Remember that, Harry. No matter what anyone may tell you, it was her choice, and Severus was a good man to her, Harry, and you were as much a son to him as if he had fathered you."

"I just don't understand, Remus! Why would my mum leave me? Leave him? If she were happy, why would she leave?"

Lupin felt a sad sense of deja`vu. "I never said your mother was happy, Harry. All I said was she seemed happy and that it was her choice to be with Severus. I think, and these are only my thoughts, Harry, but I think that your mother just broke apart when your dad died. Then when Sirius turned his back on her, his arrest for killing Pettigrew, and finally his conviction, it was all too much. All the people she loved and trusted were either ripped from her or betraying her. You know now how close she and Severus had been as children. He was familiar, loving, and doting. He was so convenient, and he loved her so much, I think she just let go one day and let him catch her," he said sadly.

"So, Snape lived with my mum, and slept with her, like my dad?" he said angrily.

"Harry," Remus warned. "It was her choice. No one forced her, and it does not make her a bad person just because she found comfort in Severus' arms. He was her oldest friend, and the one person who could give her all the things she needed so desperately: a home, safety, a sense of belonging, affection, love, companionship, and most of all, a man who would love her son."

Ginny wrapped her arm around Harry's. "Harry," she said softly. "You always said you thought I was a very smart girl. Speaking as a woman, I don't know if I would be able to resist either. If you were gone, and we had a baby, and I was on the run, marked for death, thinking at any moment our child or I could die, I would do anything to ensure our safety. If I were all alone with no family, and I came across a wizard I had known all my life who loved our child and wanted to protect us, love or not...I-I'd stay with him. Women do things like that for their children."

Harry glared at her. "So, my mother lay in his bed and let him just climb on her and use her! Didn't he care she was miserable? She killed herself because she prostituted herself!" he roared.

Lupin punched Harry in the mouth. Harry fell to the floor. Hermione and Ginny stood stock-still, their lips set in grim lines. Harry had crossed the line.

"Don't you dare! Don't you dare speak that way about your mother, Harry Potter!" Lupin shouted. "You have no idea what went on in their bed! Furthermore, it is not for you to judge! Severus Snape is a man of many things, however, he is a man capable of great love. He loved your mother and he only wanted her happiness!"

Lupin turned and stormed out. Ginny and Hermione stood glaring at Harry as he picked himself up from the ground.

"Harry James Potter!" Hermione screeched. "How can you be so thick? Ginny gave you her viewpoint as a woman; well, let me tell you mine! If I was all alone and some psychopath were trying to kill my baby and me, I wouldn't care who the man was if he loved me and loved my baby. Just the fact alone that he would want to protect my child as much as I would, would make me so grateful...I-I'd give him sex every bleeding day and a blow-job twice on Sundays! And I'd make sure he was the happiest wizard on earth! That's what women do for their children, and that does not make your mother a whore! She chose her life! Dumbledore could have protected her. She had the most powerful wizard in the world protecting her, yet she CHOSE to go to Professor Snape's bed! Obviously, Harry, he had something she wanted that she didn't want from anyone else, and if you think that makes her a slut, then you are just a fool, Harry Potter!"

She dashed off. She was so angry she could have hexed him. Well, he'd have Ginny to contend with and, if there was a just God in heaven, Molly Weasley as well! She was so confused. She was deeply touched by the story she had heard. Professor Snape had loved and protected Lily and Harry. He was an honorable man. She had felt such a surge of anger that she could barely stand it. She was so angry with Harry, and then at the same time as she applauded Snape's devotion to Harry's mum, she had felt a rage and jealousy that threatened to choke her.

She stopped and sat on a bench to calm herself down. Then the tears came. She was so sad and confused. She loved Professor Snape and had been frantic when he had nearly died. She didn't know what she was going to do. She Apparated back to the Burrow and decided to find some comfort with Molly and Tonks. She knew Tonks would be there waiting for news on Professor Snape. She really needed to have a good cry and some sympathy. She was just a heart-broken foolish girl in love with her old, irascible, professor twice her age. She was pathetic. Yet, she knew Tonks would understand.

Meanwhile, back at St. Mungo's, while Harry was arguing with Lupin, Hermione, and Ginny, Snape had been sedated and was lying peacefully when he had heard the shrieking voice of Miss Granger carry over into his room. She was giving Harry what for, and he listened in disbelief as she raged in his defense. It would be something to think on for a while to come.

***

Hermione had entered the Burrow just in time. As soon as she saw Tonks, she collapsed, sobbing on the ground. She and Molly had been very worried about her state of mind. Hermione had been able to tell them all of what had occurred at St. Mungo's and her reaction to Harry through sobs and hiccoughs.

Tonks and Molly had been quiet and subdued through the process. They listened and nodded, but let her get it all out. Finally, when she told them how Lupin had punched Harry, Tonks gasped in shock.

"Well, I guess the prat deserved it! Although I never thought I'd see the day where Remus would actually punch Harry! He was bang out of order, though, talking about his mum that way," she said firmly.

"What am I going to do?" Hermione asked the older witches as she rested her head on the kitchen table. "I love him. I've loved him since I was fifteen." She raised her head by running her hands through her hair, propping herself up on one elbow. She stared off in the distance. "The thought of him not being a part of my life scares me," she said softly.

Tonks hugged her tightly, and Molly asked, "Hermione, have you thought of the possibility that this is just an infatuation? You don't really know Professor Snape."

Hermione stiffened and replied, "I heard enough about what kind of man he is. He is prickly and sarcastic on the outside, but he is a very loyal and loving person on in the inside. If you look at it from his point-of-view, his treatment of Harry all these years was an act of love on his part. Isn't that enough to know if I really love him?"

Molly's eyes darted from her to Tonks and back. "Hermione," she began, "love is a very strong and scary emotion. Love isn't all romance. Love comes with time and knowing the person on an intimate level, emotionally as well as physically."

Tonks interjected. "I don't know, Molly. I woke up one day, took at look at Remus, and bang! I was done for!" she said animatedly. "And that man, as you all know, was impossible to convince that loving me back wouldn't be a horrible thing. Remus and I have an age difference as well, so I think if our level-headed Hermione says she loves Snape, she should go get him!"

Molly pursed her lips before blurting, "She's just a child! She hasn't even finished school yet!"

"I would have if there hadn't been a war to fight. Besides, I helped Professor Snape when he was dying. Moreover, I am not a child...I've fought in a war! I couldn't give up on him then, and I won't now." She broke out in fresh tears.

Tonks and Molly looked each other in concern. However this was going to play out, it wasn't going to be easy.

Hermione went for a lie-down, and Remus returned after calming himself down alone. Molly and Tonks had an earful for him, and he replied that he knew of Hermione's feelings for Severus.

"She's been conflicted for a while," he said. "I guess she finally came to a decision."

"Remus, do you think he could ever love her?" asked his wife.

"Dora, I really don't know. I know he'd be a damned fool to turn her away, but what Lily did was more than just plain wrong, it was scarring!" he whispered.

"What do you mean?" asked Molly.

Remus told them about his conversation at Hagrid's all those years ago and how she had reacted by running out. The witches were thunderstruck. Molly shook her head sadly. "It was a bad choice, that, but we mustn't judge her too harshly. She probably really tried to love him," she replied.

"She told him she loved him," said Remus. "He believed her when she said she loved him. He thought she was going to be his wife. He had been proposing marriage from the start. And according to Severus, Lily offered herself and he turned her town. It was only after Sirius went to Azkaban that she came to sleep in his bed and made it plain that she wanted, according to Severus, 'to make love to the man who has loved me nearly all my life.'"

"And it was a lie?" breathed Molly.

"I think it was, but she didn't wanted it to be. I think she wanted to love him, but in the end she knew she wouldn't ever be able."

"Yet Snape doesn't know that, none of us can know for sure. How horrid to feel you had been used and manipulated. Knowing him, he's bound to see it like that," Tonks mused.

"It's far worse than you realize, Dora. Ladies, not to be indelicate, but Severus truly believes that Lily killed herself because she couldn't bear having sex with him. 'Death was preferable to suffering his touch,' he said sadly.

"He distrusts women with a passion. He won't have a relationship because he says he can't trust them. Lily really burned him,"

"Hermione is in for a world of pain!" said Tonks. "What should we do? Tell her?"

"I think we would be risking Severus' wrath if he found out. We'll just have to wait. But is it's any consolation, I did have a conversation with him once last year, and he spoke about Hermione in a kind of wistful way. I thought, perhaps, in time, he might grow to love her. I'm convinced he holds an interest in her."

"Well," said Molly. "It isn't as if anything can be done about it now. She's still in school. She'll be back in his classes and will have to wait. We'd best make sure she understands that!" she warned them.

"True," agreed Remus sadly. "We'll all have to be very delicate with the both of them. Then, there is Harry's relationship with Severus."

The women held their breaths. Remus told them how badly it went.

"That pillock!" swore Tonks. "I can't believe Harry would be so judgmental towards his own mum!" She looked at Teddy, sleeping happily in his basket. Molly saw a pang of fear cross her face.

"Tonks, dear," Molly said softly, "you don't know yet, but you shall one day that boys do not want to think of their mothers as sexual beings. As far as my sons are concerned, they arrived here by magic and their father has only ever kissed me! They are all men now," her voice quivered as the thought of Fred passed through her mind, "but they still would faint straight away at the realization that their father and I on a regular basis engage in sexual congress!"

"Dora, Lily has been more of an angel to Harry, a gentle young woman who petted and cared for his father and his three woe-begotten friends. To think that she allowed, or worse desired sexual affections from Severus...a man that until recently he hated with all his might...it's far too much to process!" he exclaimed.

"This is all going to take time. Lots of time and patience." Lupin shook his head. Just as he thought life was going to get easier, now this. He rested his head in his hands. He was overwhelmed, and now his own relationship with Harry was strained.

Tonks got up and brought him some soup. "Eat up, luv," she whispered.

Lupin obeyed his wife and ate. She looked at Molly, and the women shared a concerned look. The war with Voldemort might be over, but the casualties left behind in his wake were too many to number.

A/N: Huge thanks to my wonderful, anonymous beta!

Please review, I'm addicted to reviews!

This is my response to the Anything Goes Challenge Prompt #27. Voldemort decides to Stun Lily instead of killing her; does he kidnap Harry? Kill him? What happens to Lily and to Snape?