Two

At half past eight the next morning, Harry and Hermione dropped the wards to Snape's house and knocked on the door. They stared in confusion at the house-elf who answered promptly. Who knew Snape had a house-elf? In all the times they had been to his house before, they had never seen one.

"Mr. Harry and Miss Hermione, please come in. Master Severus is waiting for you in the sitting room."

Harry and Hermione walked into the sitting room and looked around, stunned. The shelves had been dusted, the draperies and rugs had been replaced, and there was sunlight coming in through an open window. Flanking the fireplace in the sitting room were two state of the art big screen televisions with theatre surround sound – one with a Sony Playstation plugged into it and games stacked neatly to the side. Snape was sitting in an expensive looking recliner, smoking a cigarette and reading the current issue of Ars Alchemica. He looked up at them with a gleam in his eye.

"Honestly, if you two are going to walk around me with your mouths hanging open all the time, people are going to think you've both been Confunded. And then they're going to start saying it's my fault, because even in a dream, it's always my fault, and then they're going to start throwing things at me for Confunding two-thirds of the golden trio. And THEN I'm going to have to start hexing people; the first two people hexed will be YOU TWO!"

Both sets of jaws snapped shut... until they focused on him. He was wearing Muggle clothes. But not just any old set of Muggle clothes: new Muggle clothes, which were tailored to his extremely thin frame. A fine gray dress shirt with the top button open and a pair of black trousers. His hair, which had grown out over his five weeks of convalescence, no longer looked greasy and was tied back. He was still way too thin, way too pale, and there were still fresh scars where Nagini had bitten him, but he looked relaxed and better than he had, well, ever.

"You look quite dashing, Headmaster," Hermione blurted out.

"Oh, yes, that's how I know this isn't real."

"Why is that, sir?" she asked.

"Because pretty young women would never tell me that in real life, no matter how many ways I'd changed my attire. Let's go and eat. I'm famished." Snape put his cigarette out in an ashtray on the table.

Hermione blushed and headed for the door. Harry followed, still trying to come to grips with a well dressed, well-groomed, delusional Snape.

"Potter, let's Apparate to the visitor's entrance of the Ministry; it's close to where I'd like to eat, if you don't mind. And wipe that stupid grin off your face. What's so funny?"

"Headmaster, you called me Potter. I feel so warm and fuzzy inside. Maybe you are the real Snape and not some Polyjuiced game show host."

"If anyone's being a Polyjuiced game show host, Potter, it's you, pretending that you like me."

They walked outside in the warm summer air and disappeared with a pop.

When all three reappeared in the alley near the Ministry's visitor's entrance, Snape looked himself up and down.

"Good, no splinching this time, either."

"This time?" Hermione asked.

"How do you think I went shopping last night?"

"Headmaster, you attempted to Apparate without any of us being there?" Harry asked, alarmed.

"Oh, Harry, please, I practiced around the house first before I actually went anywhere."

"Hermione, he's calling me Harry again, I think he's regressing." Snape rolled his eyes.

"Shush, Harry. Sir, where did you want to eat breakfast?"

"Yes, breakfast. Come, the both of you. As we're all essentially Muggles when it comes down to it, I think we will all enjoy this."

Snape took off down the street, and the other two followed. They walked a few streets through Muggle London before they stopped.

Snape looked up at the giant white sign with red lettering and green trim.

"Sir?" Hermione and Harry asked.

"Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. A divine import from across the pond. North Carolina, to be exact. Come."

They followed him into the doughnut shop. Snape ordered half a dozen chocolate covered custard-filled, half a dozen glazed cream-filled, a dozen original glazed, and three bottles of milk. He also picked up a copy of the local newspaper.

"Sir, isn't that an awful lot?" Hermione asked.

"Whatever we don't eat we'll take to Arthur at the Ministry. He'll think they're fascinating."

They sat down, and Hermione and Harry began to eat. Snape began to read the paper. In his shopping and cleaning frenzy the night before, he hadn't had a chance to read a newspaper. He wanted to orient himself to what was going on in the world at large before he set foot in the Ministry. Just stories about the upcoming world cup tournament in France and new legislation in Parliament. It was a Muggle newspaper, but at least he would know what day it was.

"Sir, you should eat. You've lost a lot of weight, and you didn't have much to lose to begin with. If you don't start taking care of yourself and eating properly, we'll bring in reinforcements, and you'll be at the mercy of Molly Weasley." Hermione put her hand on the paper and pushed it down to the table so he would have to look at her.

"Point taken, Miss Granger." Snape put the paper away and went for a chocolate-covered first. He bit into it carefully to keep the custard from making a mess. He then made his way through two glazed cream-filled and two regulars. Harry and Hermione ate their own doughnuts and watched in amusement as the normally repressed man ate with such abandon and then chugged his milk like a school boy.

When he'd finished his milk, Snape leaned back in his chair.

"Amazing creatures, Americans. Only they could deep fry lard and granulated sugar and then export it to the rest of the world as a proper breakfast. I'm going to go get some more milk, anyone want anything else?"

Harry and Hermione shook their heads. Snape paid for his milk with a Muggle credit card and came back to the table. Harry and Hermione stared at the piece of plastic in his hand.

"Oh, use your heads. You're both reasonably intelligent, or so all of your professors always said. How do you think I survived as a double agent for twenty years? 'Hi, Griphook, I know I'm wanted for the murder of Albus Dumbledore, but can you let me into my vault?' I may be the most powerful wizard currently inhabiting this dream world, but I'm also half Muggle. Did you think I went to Gringott's yesterday? By myself? After that debacle in front of St. Mungo's? I went to Muggle London. I went to my Muggle bank. I have a Muggle bank card. You're both idiots!"

He picked up another doughnut before packing up the leftovers in a napkin to take to Arthur.

"One for the road."

He handed the napkin bundle to Harry and began munching on the doughnut as they walked out of the shop.

Harry sulked. "You are not the most powerful wizard alive. I am. And you're going to make yourself sick. And this is not a dream world, this is real."

"Whatever, Harry." Snape sneered and led the way back to the visitor's entrance eating his doughnut and drinking his milk.

Snape finished his doughnut and milk and tossed the empty bottle and wrapper into a bin. He licked the sugar off his fingers before they entered the phone booth that also served as the visitor's entrance to the Ministry of Magic.

They were still fairly early for their appointment with Kingsley, so they went to drop the doughnuts off at Arthur's office. He had been promoted to Kingsley's second-in-command. Harry and Hermione greeted his assistant, who led them back to Arthur's messy office. Harry poked his head through the door.

"Mr. Weasley, Headmaster Snape has brought you a gift."

Arthur's head shot up, and he looked at the three in awe as they entered his office.

"Snape? Gift? Good Lord."

He looked Snape up and down, and his mouth fell open.

Snape took the bag of doughnuts from Harry and handed them to Arthur.

"We thought you might enjoy these as a treat. Krispy Kreme doughnuts from Muggle London. You might want to warm them up a bit, they've gone a bit cold. Close your mouth, Arthur, you look like a fish. You know, I'm really tired of that reaction. If this is my dream, you'd think people would stop looking so stupid all of the time."

"Dream?" Arthur asked the other two.

"Yes, Headmaster Snape has decided none of this is real, and he can behave however he wants, since this is an alternate reality. I think he's just faking, though, because sometimes he slips up and calls Harry 'Potter'," Hermione explained.

"I see." Arthur looked as if he really didn't. He reached into the bag and pulled out a regular with cream. Biting into it, his eyes widened at the marvelous confection.

"Muggles," he said, sighing with rapturous joy.

"Well, I think our work here is done. Let's go and find Kingsley and find out what's to be inflicted on me next," Snape said.

Harry led the way to the Minister's office, and they were ushered into Kingsley's austere office (Kingsley refused to be associated at all with the previous administrations and kept his office simple and tidy).

"Severus!" Kingsley came from around his desk and greeted Snape with an enthusiastic hug.

Snape looked decidedly uncomfortable and didn't really respond. In fact, he looked like he was trying to will himself to leave his body.

"Kingsley," he responded stiffly.

"Harry, Hermione, it's good to see you again as well. Please have a seat." Kingsley motioned the three to his visitor's chairs. "Tea, anyone?" A house-elf began serving the tea.

"Well, then, Severus, I see all three of you are fully intact with all of your limbs, so you must have been getting along fairly well. This is fortunate, because the three of you will be spending a lot more time together beginning this autumn."

Snape took this opportunity to glare at Harry and Hermione. They peered back at him with innocent expressions on vacant faces. He didn't believe their innocence for a minute.

"Let's get right to the point. You will not be charged with any crimes related to Albus Dumbledore, your history as a Death Eater, or your position as the Dark Lord's right hand man during the last weeks of the war. You have Harry to thank for that. Had he not been so speedy in finding me and hiding you away, you probably would have been killed by an over-enthusiastic Auror once they found you were still breathing."

"Thank you, Harry Potter," Snape said through clenched teeth.

"And had it not been for Hermione, you would have died anyway. Even though you'd taken the antivenin, you probably would have bled to death had she not acted so quickly with her ministrations."

"Thank you, Miss Granger," Snape parroted again, although not as harshly this time. "I'm sorry, Kingsley, but am I supposed to be presenting these two with my own personal Order of Merlin or something? I didn't ask to be saved. In fact, I'd been quite looking forward to death. One might say I'm a little put off by them thwarting my plans, actually. And I did buy them breakfast. Shall I get down on my knees and praise them, too?" He moved to get down on his knees before Harry and Hermione. They both rolled their eyes.

Kingsley would have none of it. "Severus! Stop being ungrateful. You've been given a second... er... third chance. I suggest you take advantage of it. Now, you are still headmaster of Hogwarts. However, there are some conditions you will have to agree to, going forward."

"I knew it."

"First of all, despite the fact you are a war hero and will be receiving the Order of Merlin First Class at a ceremony in August – and yes, you will be there to receive it – there are some who still view it as completely inappropriate that you're allowed to teach children, much less be headmaster of a school. So Hogwarts will be taking on a number of apprentices this coming year, all young men and women who proved their mettle in the final battle, with the exception of Mr. Malfoy, who is a force of his own entirely. All of the apprentices received O's on their NEWT in their subject, including Mr. Potter and Miss Granger, who took their NEWTs this month. Mr. Potter will be teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts. Since he already has a year of teaching under his belt, albeit underground teaching, he is thought to be fit to teach all years, although he may come to you for assistance with the more advanced classes. Miss Granger will be apprenticed to Professor Vector in Arithmancy. Mr. Longbottom will be apprenticed to Professor Sprout in Herbology and also will be groomed for Head of Gryffindor. Mr. Malfoy will be apprenticed to you in Potions and will be Head of Slytherin. Miss Lovegood will be Professor Flitwick's apprentice as both Charms professor and Head of Ravenclaw. Mr. McMillan will be apprenticed with Minerva in Transfiguration and also to Professor Sprout to become Head of Hufflepuff. All apprentices will be teaching years one through to three and working on special projects with their professors to prove themselves able to take on the advanced classes next year. All professors with an apprentice will teach years four through to seven. You will be headmaster and Mr. Potter will be your assistant, so obviously you will have help. Minerva is still Deputy Headmistress, and Miss Granger will be her assistant. Any questions about this first part?"

Snape looked like he was going to pass out. He turned to Harry. No longer flippant, there was a desperate look in his eyes again.

"It's real, isn't it, Potter?" he asked in a whisper. "Nothing in a dream could make this little sense and be so convoluted and humiliating."

He began to slide out of his chair and his eyes rolled back in his head.

"Catch him, Harry, he's passing out!" Hermione cried.

Harry dove to catch Snape and keep him from hitting his head on something hard.

Kingsley came around his desk and helped Harry get Snape back into the chair. He then looked at Harry and motioned him to step out of the office while Hermione attempted to revive him.

"What did he mean when he said it was real?"

"He's been acting really weird ever since we left hospital. Friendly. Smiling and making jokes, calling me Harry. I think he's been coping with everything by telling himself none of this was really happening, that he was still lying on the floor of the Shrieking Shack, dying, and this was just a delusion or, at the very least, that we're playing a joke on him before we summon the Dementors. I guess the layout of teaching responsibilities was just so realistically generated by the Ministry it snapped him back into reality. He really thinks he deserved to die, so the fact he lived, it's just too much. He pretends this is all a joke."

"Do you think him stable enough to be headmaster and oversee the school? One of the reasons we want him there is because through everything he always protected the students and somehow managed to keep everything running and students were still learning things. Imagine what he could do in a normal school year? But with his record, we have to surround him with people everyone else trusts explicitly. And he needs to stay at Hogwarts; he's protected there."

"Yes, I forgot to mention when we were leaving St. Mungo's, a hero-worshipping mob descended on us. That was probably the final straw, really, when he decided this was not real: that people think he's a hero and want a piece of him. But I think with Hermione and me there, sir, it will be all right. And Draco and Neville will help also. He'll come around. It's just this is a huge shock for him, to not only have lived, but to not be in Azkaban and to be revered as a hero... He just doesn't see himself that way, and it will take him a while to get used to the idea. But once he does, I can assure you, he'll be more obnoxious than we ever thought he could be." Harry reassured Kingsley with a smile.

While they were talking, Hermione had been trying to coax Snape back to consciousness. She stroked his cheek as he lay sprawled out across the chair.

"Sir? Please say something. I can't stand to lose you again, please come back. Severus? Really, it won't be that bad, I promise. We'll all be in it together, and we'll help each other."

Snape roused a bit, confused that someone was touching him.

"Hermione?"

She pulled her hand away as if burned.

"I'm sorry, sir. I was just making sure you were okay."

"I'm not, but you may tell the other two I'm at least awake. Although, I may Unforgiveable myself at a later time today."

Hermione gave a weak laugh and went to get Kingsley and Harry.

As she walked to the door, she said softly, "Please don't, sir. I, for one, would miss you terribly." She looked back at him, and their eyes met. She then turned and let the other two back in.

"Headmaster, are you all right?" Harry's concern was apparent.

"Sir, it really will be okay. I know it seems like a complicated mess, but Hermione's great at organising things. She'll set up colour-coded time-tables for all of us, and we'll all be in it together, helping each other. Really, it won't be so bad." He echoed Hermione's words without knowing it. Snape forced a grim smile.

"I'm sorry, Kingsley, it's just it's been a while since I've had to live with Ministry logic. The force of such... profound... deep thought...was overwhelming," Snape explained with a sigh.

"You're sure you're all right?" Harry asked.

"Of course, Potter. So, we have a convoluted class and apprentice schedule that Miss Granger is going to sort out with flow charts and colours, right? Maybe some happy charts and graphs? Let's move on, as I'm sure that's not all the good news you're going to share." Snape looked mutinous.

"Just a couple of other things, Severus, although, with your demeanor here today, I'm not as worried about them now as I was before our meeting. You haven't tried to hex me yet. Maybe I should be concerned. I know you're not a warm and fuzzy man, but the Board of Governors has requested, well, demanded really, that you not be as harsh with your young charges as you've always been before. Now, again, truly, I know you're not a happy-go-lucky type, so I'll settle for you refraining from gleefully terrorizing people just because you're having a bad day. Also, while you have been vindicated and you are NOT a criminal, there are those who would take their revenge on you. And, as you've already experienced, there are also those who have a hero-worship complex, and will try to touch you and ingratiate themselves to you. You are protected at Hogwarts. Should you decide to go out, to Hogsmeade or Diagon Alley, or anywhere else for that matter, I would request you take one of your apprentices with you. There is safety in numbers, and I'd rather you not skip through Hogsmeade hexing people left and right, no matter how well deserved those hexes may be. That's it. Other than those requests, you're free to go about running Hogwarts as you see fit."

Severus had an odd look on his face.

"As I see fit? Strip me of everything that makes me me, bind me to two Gryffindors, and imprison me with idiots but not allow me to point that out? Shall I prance around in purple tights as well? The only conclusion I can draw about why you would have me there at all, if these are the conditions, is that I AM being punished. Why not just send me to Azkaban?"

Kingsley opened his mouth to respond, but Hermione cut him off angrily.

"Severus Snape, you are NOT being punished. You did not deserve to die, and you do NOT deserve to be in Azkaban. You made a mistake when you were younger than me and based on your life's experience up to that point, one could see why you might go down that route. It's true it was a rather large mistake to have made, and nothing can ever bring those people back, but you have since spent every minute of your life attempting to atone for that mistake, and you have been used and mistreated by people who were supposed to be on your side and truly are not worthy to grovel at your feet. I went back to find your body so no one would desecrate it and you could be properly honoured. When I found you were still alive I was overjoyed and I prayed to all the gods you would be permitted to live a new life, free and happy. You are not bound to us. We're not trying to punish or humiliate you; we're just trying to get Hogwarts – our home – back in working order again and we feel you're the best man to lead us. I know spending extended lengths of time with Harry or me is your idea of hell, but if you can put up with it for a couple of years, you truly will be free to live as you want, and you can then go and crawl under a rock if that's what you wish. The conditions are not ideal, but it's the best we can do with the idiotic population we serve. Harry, I'll be waiting down in the lobby when you and Kingsley have pulled Snape's head out of his arse."

She slammed out of the office. Harry, Kingsley, and Snape stared at the door for a moment before turning back to each other.

"Well. That was unexpected," Kingsley said.

"Everything she said was true, though," Harry said.

"It's fine. Whatever, Kingsley. It's fine." Snape said.

"Well, that's settled, then. Good. Severus, I really am glad to see you and glad you're taking this on. I expected a temper tantrum but am pleased to see you're amenable to the plan. Good luck, and I'll see you next month at the Ministry Ball. Dress robes and all that, but I promise not to drone on forever." Kingsley smiled and extended his hand to Snape. Snape's face had gone completely blank, and he shook Kingsley's hand mechanically. Harry sensed Snape's almost catatonic state and steered him to the door mercifully, calling, "Bye, Kingsley. See you next month," as they left.

Once they'd left the office, Snape shuddered and seemed to come back into himself.

"After that, I feel like I need a shower," he said.

As they headed back down to the lobby to meet Hermione, Snape turned to Harry and smiled. Harry groaned inwardly. This didn't bode well.

"I'm sorry, Harry, for worrying you. I think the sugar high I had going crashed out at a most inopportune moment. Let's collect Miss Granger. She's probably worked herself into a state of mortification at the idea of shouting at her employer."

They found Hermione waiting for them in the lobby. Snape was right. Hermione started trying to apologise to Snape as soon as they were within range. Snape put his finger on her lips to stop her. She looked startled.

"Stop. There is no need. You said what needed to be said. Let's go get some lunch."

Snape lit a cigarette and took off, leaving a bewildered Harry and Hermione scurrying after him as he headed back towards Muggle London.

Again they were shocked when they realized where he was heading. Harry looked at Hermione.

"Who would have thought Snape was a secret fast food junkie?"

Hermione giggled as she looked at the golden arches. "Who would have thought Snape was a secret American fast food junkie?"

"Yeah, weird. Wonder if he'll get the Happy Meal and keep the toy?" Harry and Hermione were laughing hysterically now, unable to stop. Snape seemed to realise he wasn't being followed any longer and turned to see what the holdup was.

"What's keeping you two?"

"Sorry, sir, we've just never pictured you as a fast food junkie."

"There's a lot you don't know about me. Now come on."

"So, you're admitting you are a fast food junkie?" Harry teased.

Snape glared at them and went inside the restaurant. Hermione and Harry followed him to the counter.

"One Filet-o-Fish, one Big Mac, large French fries, large Coke, and an apple pie. And whatever these two want as well."

They placed their own orders, and Snape pulled out a wad of Muggle money and paid. They took their food to a table in the back and sat down. Harry looked at the large amount of food Snape had ordered.

"Honestly, Snape, you're going to hurt yourself."

Snape pounced on Harry.

"I knew it," he spat, "I knew you still called me Snape in your head. All this 'Headmaster this' and 'Headmaster that' nonsense. Bugger off." Snape began eating his food.

"Oh, good, there you are. I was afraid the real Severus Snape had disappeared again. Well, if Horace Slughorn is your mentor, far be it from me to stop you from attaining your goals."

Harry chuckled and began eating his own food.

Hermione watched the exchange between the two of them. Snape's mood swings were becoming more erratic than usual. He'd always been moody and difficult, but his moods stayed on one side of the pendulum, alternating between surly, angry, really angry, and downright mean. This new Snape now encompassed smiles, polite manners, and nauseating pleasantness as well, and Hermione was truly worried this new addition to his personality might be indicative of a man pushed over the edge. While she and Harry had both known it would be a difficult transition for him to make from spy walking the knife's edge to somewhat normal wizard about town, neither had expected the hybrid man who sat across them, alternating between sullenly shoving French fries into his mouth and pleasantly asking her about her NEWTs.

"Miss Granger?"

"I'm sorry, Headmaster; I was wool gathering. What were you asking?"

"Your NEWTs. Did you find them challenging, having missed your NEWT year at school?"

"Oh, yes, sir, I did revise quite a lot during May, but it was a challenge doing it all on my own, of course. I got O's in everything except History of Magic... probably because my practical application of said History of Magic over the last year did not have much in common with the standardised exam." She laughed at the irony and looked up at him. He smiled back but it wasn't the maniacal, unnatural smile he'd been using for the past two days. It was a smile of genuine warmth. Hermione blushed, dropped her eyes, and changed the subject.

"What do you want to do this afternoon, Headmaster? Did you need anything from Diagon Alley? Harry and I were planning to go there anyway, if you'd like to join us? Or, we can start planning sessions for the next term or... Sorry, sir, I'm rambling."

Snape smiled again. Then his expression turned thoughtful. "Not to worry, Hermione. No offence... to either of you, really... but I think I'd like to spend some time alone, sorting through everything. It's all a tad overwhelming, and I need a serious holiday. In fact, I think we all deserve a holiday. You two are barely eighteen, you shouldn't have to be worrying about curriculums and classroom supplies. The school is still under construction, right? Let's take about a month and meet back at Spinner's End around the middle of July. That will give us six weeks to finish getting our plans together for the coming school year. If you get bored with a life of leisure, work out the schedules for the faculties and apprentices, Hermione, and work out your DADA syllabus, Harry. You can owl me with your notes and questions. But let's take a break from trying to save the wizarding world for a while. As I said earlier, I promise not to play with anything sharp or poisonous, and I promise not to go anywhere. I just need to be with myself for a little while. Plus the Muggle satellite man has to come over and hook up my dish."

Harry and Hermione started laughing.

"Do you want to borrow some films, sir?" Hermione asked with a giggle.

Snape was unable to stop himself from laughing "Maybe. If they're not total rubbish. I didn't get any last night, although I did get a VCR. Feel free to owl me any titles you think I might find interesting."

Harry and Hermione stopped laughing. "Um... really?" Hermione asked.

"Yes. Now, really, I must get back to the house, the Muggle service man is supposed to be there between two and six..." Snape shoved the last bit of apple pie into his mouth. "Come on, let's get out of here."

They left from McDonald's and headed to a safe Apparition point. As they Apparated onto Snape's front lawn, Snape realized he'd definitely overdone things today. He'd only been released out of hospital the day before, and now he was wandering all about London. He suddenly felt completely exhausted.

"Headmaster, are you all right?"

"Just need to sit. Too much activity. I forgot I was just in hospital yesterday," Snape said as he collapsed into the chair.

"Sir, did you want me to make you a potion?" Hermione began to fuss.

"No, no. I'll be fine. Just go. Mippy is here. She won't let me die. Have fun in Diagon Alley. I'll see you in a month."

Hermione cast one last lingering, worried glance at him, and then left with Harry.

A/N: As always, my deepest gratitude to my betas sunny33, shiv, and sempra.