Make Like A Lethifold And Be Sneaky

Who was surprised when Luna Lovegood first announced that she'd got a job working at the Necroikos? It was just the sort of career she'd set out for herself, misty Miss Death-Is-Just-Another-Mystery Lovegood.

So I'll admit it. Luna has always irritated me. I mean, nobody's that "unique" naturally. It's a sickeningly obvious ploy for attention, that sort of affectedness. Granted, the wizarding world is a tad over the top generally, always convinced it's chock-a-block full of relentless drama and mystery, but Luna takes it to a whole other level of insufferability.

Nevertheless, it was Luna Lovegood who was, paradoxically, my hope of sanity. If I wanted Snape to inhabit a new home, I was going to have to find him one.

I knocked on the front door of the Necroikos, a building ever-so-tastefully designed to imitate a mausoleum. I'd never visited Luna at her workplace before (surprise, surprise) and was a bit startled when my knock was answered by a very obvious vampire.

"Hi! I'm Hermione Granger. I was wondering if I could see Luna Lovegood? If she's not busy at the moment."

"Please, come in," he said, very solemnly. "She is taking her lunch."

I followed the vampire's retreating back through the shadowy halls of the Necroikos.

"Now you know why the other students always compared Professor Snape to a vampire," McGonagall stated, in a very conclusive tone.

It was true. I had known all my facts, and had recognised the vampire instantly, but somehow, actually coming across a vampire, I was struck by the similarities. Snape's build was right, though the vampire was rather taller, and there was an inexplicably intimidating aura about the vampire that Snape had always carried with him. Their colouring was very similar, and their facial features were equally strong and sharp. Even their voices had a similar timbre, and if I wasn't mistaken, the vampire's robes were billowing.

"Professor Snape?" I whispered. "Are you part vampire?"

"I'm a disembodied soul, Miss Granger," he whispered back. I hadn't realised that petulance could be transmitted through a whisper. "I'm not much of anything right now."

The vampire stopped up ahead. With the length of leg that accompanied his considerable height, it had been impossible for me to keep up at all. I trotted up to the doorway he stood by. He nodded gravely, then opened the door.

"Miss Lovegood, a Miss Granger here to see you."

"Thank you, Gregory. Any luck with Mr. Lockhart?" There was something odd about her voice.

"I'm afraid not, Miss Lovegood. I shall, however, continue to search."

"Thank you, Gregory."

Gregory nodded, bowed, and swept away. I stepped into the room. It was nearly enough to make me salivate...the walls were literally lined with books, the desk was piled with them, and there were stacks of more lying haphazardly about the floor.

"Hello, Hermione," said Luna, "I haven't seen you since Harry and Ginny's wedding."

"No," I said. I was taken aback and a bit distracted; Luna's office was not at all what I expected.

"What brings you here?" she asked.

"Ah!" I remembered my pre-fabricated story. "I'm taking a course in Comparative Culture, and I'd like to write my term paper on the difference between wizarding and Muggle approaches to burial. I was hoping you might be able to show me around a bit."

Luna smiled. "Of course," she said, "that sounds fascinating." She popped the last bit of her sandwich into her mouth and stood, clearing away her lunch things with a wave of her wand. "I'll bring you to the Somatorium, where we keep the bodies."

I knew I was there on a particular mission, but I'm Hermione Granger...I can't help but be curious about everything. Besides, the walk along those dim corridors was a bit creepy.

"Have they changed the regulations on vampires, Luna?" I asked. "I'd heard that something was being done, but I never got the particulars."

Luna's eyes narrowed. "Only minimally," she ground out. "They're allowed to work unsupervised, but the positions they can fill are very limited. They have to file reports to their employers constantly. They don't have to be paid as much as other workers, and they don't need to be given a reason to be sacked. It's atrocious. Gregory knows far more about how this place works than anybody else and is ten times more efficient, but he'll never get past the lowest rung, while I... I got my position almost immediately."

I couldn't supress the old indignance. "I can't believe it!" I cried.

"Appalling!" cried McGonagall.

"That Gregory fellow seemed a decent chap, too," mused George.

"If a bit stiff and formal," Fred added.

"Reminds me of someone," the two chimed.

They had a point. I added it to the checklist of similarities.

"Thank you, Hermione," Luna said. "It's very refreshing to hear someone else feels that way about it." Suddenly, I knew what was so odd about Luna's voice; it was the very fact that it wasn't odd. The breathy, mystic tone was a thing of the past. I found myself thinking that I might get to like this new Luna.

We entered the Somatorium. Luna explained things in great detail as I wandered around. It looked much warmer than a Muggle morgue. Clear, lit cases were set into the walls, and the bodies lay within. They were all well-dressed, and looked as though they were sleeping. There were small plaques beneath each case, stating name, age, and cause of death. A table was situated in the centre of the room to lay a body upon for examination and spellwork. I nearly jumped when I found Lockhart.

"He meant Gilderoy Lockhart?" I shrieked.

Luna broke off. "Why, yes. He died this past week. We've been trying to get a hold of a family member or friend to take him away for burial. Each body is given ten days to be claimed before we dispose of it. Unfortunately, the Ministry doesn't pay for the proper burial of an unclaimed."

At that moment, Gregory appeared.

"Silently and stealthily, just like a certain someone," George pointed out.

"Miss Lovegood, the director has expressed an urgent wish to see you," he said.

"I'll be back in a moment, Hermione," she told me.

Alone, I continued to peruse the cases.

"Was I... claimed?"

Scratch that...not alone.

"Yes," I assured him, "you were."

"By whom?"

Oh, he wasn't going to like it. "Harry."

"Better than nobody, I suppose," he grumbled. "Where was I buried?"

"Hogwarts."

"Damn. I wish that boy wouldn't think he can assume things."

I just rolled my eyes. It's not as though Harry had had a way of asking him.

"Miss Lovegood has changed somewhat," he said.

"Yes, she's rather easier to take now, don't you think?"

"The only reason you never liked her in school was because she was cleverer than you," Snape announced.

Ouch. That was patently untrue. I'd been the cleverest witch of my age.

McGonagall coughed lightly. "My dear, you were very clever, of course, but..."

Double ouch. But it wasn't as though it had mattered to me that much. I wouldn't have had a problem with someone being smarter than I was, it was just that Luna was genuinely irritating.

Fred disagreed. "Actually, Hermione..."

"Fine," I snapped.

"I beg your pardon?" said Snape.

"We should choose a body for you," I covered.

Snape groaned. "I knew we were here on some hare-brained idea."

"How about Lockhart?" I suggested spitefully. "You could find out what it's like to be attractive."

Snape just laughed. "Don't think I'd allow you any liberties with him for having helped me!"

"Oh, shush, you!" I stammered. "I was thirteen! Don't try to tell me you had better taste at that age!"

Oops. I'd forgotten about the whole Harry's-mum debacle, but apparently, Snape was over it.

"No, I suppose I didn't," he admitted.

"And really," I continued, as things fell into place, "it would be perfect! Lockhart was very ill, and little is yet known about Memory Charms. It wouldn't be too hard to believe that they'd accidentally labelled him as dead. Also, the fact that his personality would have changed completely when he got his wits back wouldn't need to be explained."

But Snape was firm. "No," he said, "and no. No self-respecting man would accept a future in that ponce's body. Besides, he's too old."

"Too old?" I asked. "Are you forgetting something? You weren't exactly just out of short pants when you died." I walked along, coming to Newt Scamander, a bit aggravated with Snape. He wasn't making this any easier.

"Miss Granger, I designed my potion for the sake of getting a second chance at life. I did not design it to bring me back to the age I'd been. However, being sane, I was perfectly clear on the fact that I did not want to relive my adolescence. I geared the potion to bring me back to the age of twenty-one."

Well, that explained the timing. It was then that Luna re-entered the room.

"Luna!" I exclaimed. "This place is fascinating!" And I meant it. Creepy, but fascinating.

"Yes," she agreed. "I see you've found Newt."

"Did you know each other?" I asked.

Luna nodded, smiling. "He introduced me to Gregory."

"Bonnie Charlie's tartan underpants!" exclaimed McGonagall. "She's got a thing for the vampire!"

"Not that that's..."

"...shocking, or unacceptable. After all..."

"...vampires are people, too!"

I was a bit bothered with myself for being bothered about it. Still, despite my discomfort, I couldn't deny the appeal of a smartly dressed, well-mannered man with a striking appearance.

Luna brought my attention to the case above Newt's. "That's a young man who was found along with Newt in the Amazon. He's not yet been identified." And, indeed, his plaque read: UNIDENTIFIED. APPROX. 23 YEARS. CAUSE OF DEATH UNKNOWN.

"Perfect," I breathed. And he was. Strong facial features, thick, dark hair that just asked to be tousled, and very pleasing proportions.

"Necrophiliac," muttered George.

"Yes," said Luna, "We take care of them quite well. We take a good deal of pride in our work."

The rest of my tour of the Necroikos didn't really process. I was much too distracted. I'd found a perfect candidate. How was I going to steal the corpse?