Chapter 8

All characters belong to J. K. Rowling.

Chapter 8

A week had passed since Hermione had hastily left Hogwarts for her parents' house. As much as she'd thrown herself into marking essays, preparing practice exam papers, and reading for her own exams, her mind was still pretty much occupied with the implications of what Harry had told her. What did it mean for her future at Hogwarts? What if her feelings didn't go away?

Could she spend another year just putting up with it, or indeed, allowing the small hope that lingered inside her still to keep burning? In the interest of self-preservation, should she, perhaps, take more definitive action? It was difficult to know what to do.

Hermione was considering telling all to her mother. As far as her parents knew, there was nothing wrong. She'd explained away her sudden departure from Hogwarts with a tale about needing a change of scene. It had made her feel guilty, hiding things from them, but at the time, she just hadn't wanted to talk about it. Now... well, now she desperately could do with some advice.

Minerva had owled a couple of times, but she hadn't heard from anyone else at Hogwarts, not that she'd expected Snape to owl her after the way she'd left things that night. She still cringed when she thought of what she'd said to him. No matter how embarrassed and mortified she'd felt, there was no excuse.

Several times Hermione had thought about writing and apologising, but she felt it would be better coming from her in person. Hopefully, by the time she returned in three days, she would have her wits about her to not make a complete hash of it.

Harry had also owled, but Hermione had only sent a terse note in reply. She still wasn't sure if she should be grateful to Harry or not. Ginny certainly seemed to think he should have kept his nose out, and Hermione was gratified to hear she'd been angry that he'd gone behind her back like that. At the same time, Hermione couldn't deny that Harry had a point.

A knock on her door interrupted her thoughts, and Hermione sat up from where she had been lying on her bed. The door opened ajar, and her mother's head appeared.

'Love, you've been cooped up in this house all week; your father is working and so I was wondering if you might like to join me for some retail therapy in London?'

Her mother looked at her expectantly, and Hermione didn't have the heart to say no. While shopping wasn't a major passion for Hermione, as it was for some, the thought of spending an afternoon out with her mother was more than agreeable. She was getting rather sick of looking at the same four walls for days on end.

'Sounds good to me, Mum; give me a few minutes to get ready, all right?'

Her mother smiled widely. 'Excellent. See you downstairs in a bit, then.'

The door was pulled shut, and Hermione sat in front of her dressing table. Her hair was looking a bit unruly today, not an unusual occurrence by any standards, but Hermione was not in the mood for tackling it. Instead, she smoothed it back from her face into a simple ponytail...uninspiring maybe, but presentable. Next, she swiped a bit of blusher over her cheeks to give herself a bit of colour. Then, she changed her shirt, grabbed a jacket, and, ensuring she had her wand stowed away, left her bedroom to meet her mother.

Soon enough, they were travelling the relatively quick journey into the centre of London, her mother having driven them to the railway station where they were now ensconced upon the train. It was a change, Hermione realised, to do everything the Muggle way. She could have Apparated both her mother and herself to London, but Hermione was now glad that she hadn't.

Oxford Street was as busy as ever, but the hustle and bustle helped to keep her mind off certain things. As the day wore on, Hermione could honestly say that she was actually enjoying herself. Her mother was looking for a new evening dress to wear to some work event she would be attending along with her husband, and Hermione laughed aloud often as they both purposefully pointed out dresses that would look ridiculous.

Eventually, they found a dress that they both fell in love with, and once bought, Hermione turned to her mother.

'Where now then, Mum?'

'Do you know what? I'd love it if you could take me into Diagon Alley. I haven't been there for ages, and I love looking round there. I expect you have things you need to buy?'

Hermione did need parchment and ink, but the thought of going to Diagon Alley didn't appeal very much. However, Hermione knew her mother enjoyed the place immensely, and she couldn't deny her. She was lucky to have parents who were so understanding of, and indeed, interested in her world.

Hermione gave her a genuine smile. 'Come on, then, Mum...I know how much you love the food in the Leaky Cauldron, too!'

Mrs. Granger laughed. 'Very true, my dear.'

Diagon Alley was as busy as Muggle London, only this time, Hermione could recognise several familiar faces in the crowd.

'Hello, Professor Granger!' rang out as yet another of her students walked past. Hermione greeted them warmly, and she could see her mother was chuffed to bits to get a minute glimpse into her daughter's life as a teacher.

Hermione took her mother into several shops, including the Weasleys' shop to see George; the Apothecary, where Hermione replenished her Potions kit; and then to her favourite, Flourish and Blotts. Her mother, also an avid reader, gravitated towards the wizarding fiction section, while Hermione worked her way around several different aisles of books.

After nearly a quarter of an hour had passed without sign of her mother, Hermione felt she'd better track her down. She didn't like the idea of her wandering around alone when she was clearly a Muggle.

Reaching the fiction section, Hermione was concerned to see her mother wasn't there, so she began inspecting every inch of the shop.

As Hermione rounded the Arithmancy bookshelf and into the Potions aisle, she spotted her mother casually perusing the titles. She was about to call out to her, when she saw the figure at the opposite end, only a small distance from her mother.

Hermione stood unmoving, unable to quite believe the ironic sight of her mother browsing the Potions collection along with Severus Snape. She bit her lip at the sight of him, longing to go and speak to him, but she just couldn't bring herself to. It was easier to pretend she hadn't noticed him. She was turning to go and wait for her mother elsewhere, when the woman herself gave the game away and called out to her.

'There you are, Hermione; come and look at this.'

Hermione fervently wished she had a less unusual name, like Jane or Rebecca or something...Snape surely wouldn't have batted an eyelid at that. As it was, he now was looking right at her. Hermione walked stiffly towards her mother and saw that Snape was putting his book back onto the shelf. It crossed her mind that maybe he was simply going to pretend he hadn't seen her.

Her mother seemed to have realised that Hermione was looking at something behind, and she turned.

'Good afternoon,' said Snape quietly.

Hermione managed a smile, hoping it would hide how uncomfortable she felt. 'Mum, this is Professor Snape, the Headmaster of Hogwarts. This is my mother, Liz Granger, Severus.' Her voice faltered slightly over his name, but Hermione hoped it went unnoticed.

'Oh, how lovely to meet you, Professor Snape,' offered Hermione's mother brightly.

Hermione looked at Snape, but was disappointed to see that he was barely acknowledging her.

'Likewise, Mrs Granger; I do hope you will excuse me, but I have important business to attend to.' With a fleeting nod he'd disappeared away from them, and Hermione suddenly felt all of her wretched thoughts from a week ago return.

'Well, I daresay he's a bit brusque, isn't he?' exclaimed her mother, turning to Hermione with raised eyebrows.

Hermione groaned aloud and put her head in her hands.

'What's wrong, love?'

Hermione peered through her fingers at her mother, before sighing and dropping them completely. 'Mum, I'm, ah, thinking of handing in my notice at Hogwarts.'

'You're what?'

Hermione nodded apprehensively.

Her mother stared at her in confusion. 'Why ever for?'

Hermione placed her hand in the crook of her mother's elbow. 'Come, let's go and sit somewhere so we can talk.'

They made for a table in a quiet part of the Leaky Cauldron pub, after ordering a couple of drinks.

'Now, tell me what it is that has been bothering you, Hermione. Does it have something to do with why you decided to come home for Easter? I mean, I thought you loved it at Hogwarts?'

'I do!' Hermione breathed.

'Then, what...is it about this Professor Snape? Has he upset you in some way? I remember you...'

'No, Mum, he's not like that anymore. I've just been so silly and stupid. I wish he was still like how he was when I was a student.'

Hermione avoided her mother's gaze.

'Oh, dear,' her mother gasped, 'you've fallen for him, haven't you? Got a little crush on him? That's nothing to worry about, my love; I think you told me he's a bit dark? Well, we all of us go through a phase where we fall for a bit of rough, when we are young...it will pass!'

Hermione let out a burst of pained laughter. 'He's not my "bit of rough", Mum! It's not some childish obsession I have with him. I think... I think,' Hermione took a deep shuddering breath, 'I love him.'

There was an incredulous look upon her mother's face.

'It's so stupid, Mum! So bloody stupid!'

'He does seem a lot older than you.'

'Twenty years,' said Hermione quietly.

'That's a big age difference,' commented Mrs Granger carefully.

'Oh Mum, that's just the tip of the iceberg! Yes, he's twenty years older than me, but he's also my boss, he's my ex-teacher, and to top it all off, he's been in love with the same woman, probably since he was a child, and she's been dead for twenty years!'

Her mother's eyes became wide with shock. 'Good Lord! Yes, I remember now; you told me about it when the War ended.'

'I knew all this at the outset, and still I let myself get drawn in. Do you know what the worst of it is, Mum? I really don't think I felt this way about Ron; what is the matter with me?'

'Love, it's not your fault; these things just happen. We can't control it. Is he really still in love with this woman? Harry's mother, wasn't it?'

'Harry seems to think so, and I can't see any reason to contradict him. Severus has spoken to me about the War, told me a lot of things that I'd never have expected him to, yet, never once has he made a reference to her, or even said her name aloud. Well, his silence speaks volumes.'

'Wait a minute; wasn't he the one who...' Her mother lowered her voice. ' He killed your Headmaster Dumbledore?'

Hermione nodded, a bit awkwardly.

'Hermione, I must say...are you sure you should be getting involved with a man like this?'

'Mum, please, you know he was on our side. What happened between him and Dumbledore is not an issue for me, however much it might be for him.'

'So, this is why you want to resign at Hogwarts, then?'

'Yes, I'm seriously thinking about it. I don't think I can take it being around him, Mum, and how can I expect my feelings to go away if I have to see him every day? I can't do that to myself, can I?'

'No, you cannot; you would only get more and more unhappy. Is there really no chance of him feeling the same way? Harry could be wrong, you know.'

Hermione rubbed her chin tiredly. 'I think about it all the time, Mum; what if Harry is wrong? But then I think, twenty years...it's a hell of a long time. If nothing changed in Severus' feelings in all that time, why should they now?'

'Can't you ask the man himself? Tell him how you feel?'

'I don't know if I can take that risk, Mum. Not while I have two months left at Hogwarts. It would be unbearable having to face him, and it would make him uncomfortable, too, having to let me down gently. He may even laugh in my face, for all I know.'

Hermione immediately felt uncharitable towards Snape, and she rectified her words. 'No, I don't think he'd really do that. I just, I can't quite get rid of the small hope inside me, Mum, pathetic as it may be. So, perhaps at the end of term, when I have nothing to lose, I will find the courage to confront him. I'm still going to resign though, soon, as I need to give a few weeks' notice. If there is any chance between us, then I'm sure it will happen regardless of whether I am at Hogwarts, or not.'

Her mother took hold of Hermione's hand and leaned over to kiss her cheek.

'I'll be proud of you whatever you do, love, and so will your father. This Severus would be a fool not to snap you up!'

'Thanks, Mum; I'm glad we talked about it...I'm only sorry I didn't tell you sooner.'

Hermione really was. Talking aloud about it had gone some way to clearing her thoughts and clarifying her priorities and responsibilities. She had two months of teaching left at Hogwarts that included many exams. She would not fail her students, and she would not waste the chance she had been given to do her N.E.W.T.s.

It would hurt to hand in her notice at Hogwarts, and she would face some awkward questions, but it would be final and give her the resolve she needed to keep her mind on the job for the remaining weeks. No more self-pitying thoughts, and no more mooning over someone she couldn't have. It was time to grow up and act accordingly. Maybe then, at the end of the school year, she would talk to Snape and tell him how she felt, and if it were not what he wanted to hear, well then, she would just have to move on.

It would be difficult, but Hermione was nothing if not determined.

****

At the end of the week, Hermione was back at Hogwarts. The students would be returning later in the afternoon, and the castle still seemed quiet. As she walked to her rooms, she mentally steeled herself for what lay ahead. Patting her pocket, Hermione felt the envelope and stubbornly ignored the butterflies in her stomach. She would do it today; there was no putting it off.

Once in her quarters, Hermione took out her trunk and began unpacking her clothes and books. After that task was complete, Hermione told herself to stop prevaricating. She resolutely left her rooms, heading in the direction of the stone gargoyle. When she got there, she realised she didn't know the password.

'Damn,' she muttered to herself. Then again, she wondered if maybe he hadn't bothered to change it while the students were away.

'Flobberworms?'

The gargoyle moved and Hermione, somewhat gratefully, stepped onto the revolving staircase. Now she was getting nervous, but she kept telling herself that it would all be fine. It really would.

She faced the large, oak door, put her game face on, and knocked sharply.

'Come in.'

Hermione entered the office, perhaps spending more time than was strictly necessary to close the door, and stepped up to the desk. Many of the portraits were watching her, and Hermione wished they would go away...it was like sitting in a goldfish bowl sometimes.

Hermione was relieved to see that Dumbledore wasn't there; she didn't want him sticking in his two Sickles. Snape was scratching out something with a quill, and she remained silent until he looked up at her.

'Professor Granger, you've decided to grace us with your presence. What can I do for you?'

She'd expected him to be formal after the way things had been left, but still, it didn't stop her from feeling deeply disappointed. The sarcasm left much to be desired, as well.

'Severus, I, well, firstly I wanted to apologise for the way I spoke to you last time, when I left Hogwarts...'

'There is nothing to apologise for.' He brushed her off with a shrug of his shoulders, as if he could not care less.

'Well, I disagree; I was upset and I didn't mean it.'

He said nothing for a moment, and his expression betrayed nothing, either.

'Is that all?' he said finally.

Hermione blinked at his detachment; maybe this wasn't going to be as difficult as she thought.

'No, I, ah, have something I need to give to you.'

Hermione pulled out the envelope from her robe pocket and handed it to him. It had taken her an age to get right, and, in the end, she had enlisted the help of her mother with the final draft.

He took the missive from her and unceremoniously pulled out the sheet of parchment from within. Hermione watched, on tenterhooks, as his eyes scanned the letter. There was silence for several moments, until he raised his eyes to her once more.

She was alarmed to see the look of anger he was exhibiting.

'What the hell is this?' he asked, in a deadly calm voice.

Hermione swallowed. 'Well, it is my...'

'I know what it is! Why are you giving it to me?'

Hermione could not hold his fierce gaze for long. 'It's all explained in the letter.'

'So, you are saying that you feel your current position is not right for you? That is the reason you are opting for?'

Hermione nodded. 'Yes.'

She took an involuntary step back when he suddenly stood up and thrust out the parchment towards her. 'This,' he hissed, 'is complete and utter bollocks!'

Hermione's eyes widened as the parchment began to magically disintegrate before her eyes. 'I can just write another one,' she said, unsure what to make of his obvious anger.

'Oh, will that one be full of rubbish, too? You led Minerva to believe you would be continuing here!'

Hermione suppressed a flinch at the accusation in his tone. She should have know those words would come back to haunt her.

'I'm sorry, but I never committed myself to anything, and I am well within my rights to change my mind.'

'You won't tell me what made you change your mind?'

For the first time, Hermione detected something other than indifference or anger in his tone, and it nearly made her want to tell him everything, but she just couldn't bring herself to.

'There's nothing to tell,' she forced out, as convincingly as possible.

'Very well,' he answered shortly, and sat behind his desk once more.

Hermione couldn't stand to leave things stand as they were.

'Severus, please can we...'

He interrupted her swiftly. 'I have things to do, Professor; you know where the door is.'

Hermione started at the venom he infused into that one word, all at once implying that she was not worthy of the title, and indeed, that he was no longer willing to address her informally. Hermione turned on her heel, believing it better to leave the matter for now. Maybe, in time, things would improve, but she wouldn't be holding her breath.

After leaving the tower, she walked slowly through the hallways feeling decidedly down in the dumps.

'Hermione! May I speak with you?'

Hermione turned in surprise to see Dumbledore staring out of a portrait to her immediate left. 'Professor, of course, how can I help?'

'I'm glad I caught up with you, my dear. You see, I happened to catch the majority of your conversation with Severus, just then.'

Hermione nodded in resignation.

'Now, I'm not going to pry...I know you must have your reasons for leaving, and so I'll leave that up to you. What I will say though, is, just be patient with Severus, and he will come round eventually. He's disappointed that you are going; I can tell.'

So am I, thought Hermione, but she was unsure of Dumbledore's words. 'Do you think so? I think I've hurt him, sir, and he won't want to be friends with me now.' Was it presumptuous of her to think she had the ability to hurt him?

'Just don't give up, Hermione, that is all I can say.'

Hermione smiled gently in thanks, and carried on sombrely to her quarters.

Later on, there were a series of knocks at her door, and Hermione had a feeling she knew who it was going to be. Minerva had probably just found out about her quitting.

When she opened the door, Hermione could see that she had been right.

'Hermione, Dumbledore just told me you've handed in your notice!' The older woman looked extremely dismayed.

She motioned for her to come in and sit down. 'I'm sorry, Minerva. I know it must come as a surprise, but it is for the best,' placated Hermione.

'Why?' Minerva spluttered.

'Things have changed recently...I just can't stay.' At Minerva's look of protest, Hermione carried on. 'I promise I will tell you everything, Minerva, in time, though, not tonight; I've had a hellish day. Severus is very angry with me.'

'Hermione, we'll never find someone as committed as you to teach Muggle Studies.'

Hermione suddenly felt extremely guilty. 'Of course you will.'

Minerva remained unconvinced. 'Well, there is nothing I can do to help change your mind?'

'I'm afraid not.'

Hermione could see Minerva was rather upset that she would be going, and she felt awful. She would explain everything to her soon; Minerva deserved that much of her.

'Minerva, I hope you don't think I am ungrateful for the chance you and Severus gave me here.'

Minerva shook her head and gave a small smile.'You know you can always talk to me about anything, my dear?'

Hermione nodded humbly. 'I know, and I will, I just need some time.'

****

During the next few weeks, Hermione became extremely busy with exam preparation. Her load of marking increased dramatically as she set practice exam questions and essays for all her classes. She aimed to get them marked and corrected as quickly as possible, so the students could revise from them.

She was particularly stressed out with her fifth and seventh-year classes, as she worried whether she had prepared them thoroughly enough for their external exams. She hoped that they would all get good O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s, but only time would tell.

Trying to keep up with her own work had become more and more difficult, especially for Potions, but that was not only due to lack of time. Snape had not asked her to join him in his lab since the beginning of the summer term, and Hermione had not asked him. Luckily, Horace Slughorn had offered to supervise some of her attempts as he was finding himself more and more confined to his classroom with marking.

Relations between herself and Snape, though, had pretty much evaporated. He never spoke to her unless it was an absolute must, and sometimes he appeared to even look right through her, as if she didn't even exist. She was sure the rest of the staff had noticed, well, certainly Minerva had.

As much as it pained her, there wasn't much she could do. He ignored or brushed off impatiently any attempt she made at building a bridge between them. However, she couldn't let it worry her too much; she had a job to do and she was going to do it well.

When the exam period did finally roll around, Hermione found she was more nervous about her students' exams than her own. How on earth would she be able to wait until August when the results were published?

Her first N.E.W.T exam, on a Friday afternoon, was her Potions practical, and it was probably the one she dreaded most. Thankfully, Ginny had owled telling her to meet her in the Three Broomsticks once it had finished, and Hermione had eagerly accepted...it was something she could finally look forward to.

****

Ginny had already bought her a glass of wine by the time Hermione made it into the pub on Friday afternoon.

'I know it's early, but I thought you might need it,' explained Ginny.

Hermione sipped it gratefully...she did need it.

'How did the exam go?'

'All right...well, sort of,' responded Hermione. 'To be honest, it started off as a bit of a nightmare.'

Ginny looked concernedly at her from across the table. 'How so?'

Hermione wondered if she should bring it up, but Ginny wouldn't laugh at her. 'Well, we had to make a Girding potion, and it just reminded me of the time I tried to brew it with him...it was a complete disaster then, but it amused him greatly. It just hit me again, right at that moment, what a mess I'd made of things, and what I'd lost. Pathetic, aren't I?'

'Of course not,' said Ginny earnestly. 'Still not talking to you, is he?'

'No,' replied Hermione grimly.

Ginny contemplated her drink for several moments, before looking at Hermione with a meaningful expression.

'Do you ever wonder, Hermione, why it is that he is so pissed off about your leaving Hogwarts? This is what it boils down to, isn't it? He's acting like an arse because you handed in your notice...well, clearly he doesn't want you to leave.'

'Yes, but how do I know whether that is because he can't be bothered to look for a replacement, or because he actually enjoys my company, friendship, or whatever? Maybe he just feels that I've thrown the opportunity he gave me back in his face, and that I don't deserve his consideration anymore. You know how aloof and difficult to please he can be. Maybe the bottom line is that, actually, he believes I have thrown his friendship back in his face. He knows there's more to my resignation than me saying I'm not suited to an extended teaching stint.'

Ginny sipped at her pumpkin juice. 'Well, there's only one thing for it, Hermione; you must tell him. I know you thought I was crazy when I mentioned it weeks ago at the party, but things have progressed a lot since then. Otherwise, you'll always wonder about what might-have-been.'

'You're right; I've been thinking the same myself. Once the exams are over, I'm going to do it. I don't want to; I know I'll make an arse of myself, but I have to try.'

'Rather you than me,' said Ginny, biting her lip.

'Oh, thanks, Gin!' They both laughed heartily for several moments.

'By the way, I won't be telling Harry about any of this! You don't need him sticking his oar in again!'

Hermione smiled charitably. 'He meant well, Gin, and besides, it's better that I know now and not further down the line.'

'If you say so.'

'I do. So, how are the wedding plans coming along, then? Only three months till the big day.'

'My mother is driving me batty!' Ginny happily launched into a lengthy exposition on the trials and tribulations of wedding planning, and Hermione listened, greatly amused.

They parted when it became time for Hermione to return to Hogwarts for dinner, and as she walked from Hogsmeade, Hermione was pleased to realise that her spirits felt lighter than they had in a while.

It wasn't to last, however. When she entered the Entrance Hall, Snape was standing there with an unfamiliar woman.

'Thank you, Headmaster; I will look forward to your owl.'

The woman breezed past Hermione and out of the doors without making eye contact, but Hermione could see that she looked a good few years older than herself. Snape was watching her, and before Hermione could stop herself, she had blurted out, 'Who was that?'

The calculating expression on his face caused Hermione to wonder if he was going to tell her to mind her own business.

'I was interviewing her as a potential replacement...for you.' He swiftly turned on his heel and began up the marble staircase.

Hermione swallowed down the hurt she felt at the disregard in his tone. 'Severus, please, why can't we just be friends?'

He froze halfway up the stairs, before turning and coming back down to stand in front of her.

'Friends?' he whispered coldly. 'It's funny that out of the two of us, it should be you that doesn't know the meaning of the word.'

Hermione felt her face crumple and she quickly turned around to leave by the main doors. She didn't have to listen to his spiteful comments, and she would be damned before she let him see that he'd upset her. She'd had enough of him treating her like dirt just because she had the temerity to do something he didn't like.

She passed through the doors, furiously wishing they were smaller so she could slam one of them in his face.

Now that was a satisfying thought.

****

A/N: Thanks to astopperindeath for beta-ing this : )