Axis Three

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, and the carrots belong to sempra.

Axis Three

“So, how did it go?” Ron Weasley asked his wife as she threw her work robes onto the bedroom chair and started undressing for bed.

“Bloody fantastic. You’re right. He’s perfect,” Hermione replied as she headed for the bathroom. Five minutes later she returned, clad in a silken robe and a smile. “By the way, you lose. Pay up.”

“No! How long was it?”

“Six and a half.”

“No way! He’s definitely bigger than me. Look.” Ron stripped and started stroking himself to prove his point.

“Use a carrot,” Hermione called as she made a quick dash to the office to find a ruler. Returning to find her husband ready and waiting, she knelt and took the measurement.

“Don’t just stop at that, do something.” Hands on hips, he watched her expectantly.

“You boys are all the same. Except in length. You’re five and a half.”

“Is that all? Are you sure?” Ron’s woebegone expression would have been hilarious if they hadn’t been discussing such a sensitive subject. Pressing the end of the ruler slightly into the skin at the base of his erection, she smiled and corrected herself. “No, it’s five and three-quarters. Oh, don’t sulk, Ronald. If it’s any consolation, yours is thicker. Although you are both very adept at using what you have…”

“I don’t know about Snape, but I’ve had twenty-five years of practice. He was pretty good, though. So, do you think we should invite him to a little private party? I know you’ve been wanting to try some of those threesome positions you found in The Wizarding Kama Sutra.”

“He was certainly not averse to trying a few different positions this afternoon, the randy bugger. Probably hasn’t had much for a while.”

“Oi. What am I? The invisible man?” Ron whined.

“He seemed impressed, love. Made some comment about my vacuous, carrot-loving hunk of a husband.”

“Vacuous, eh?” Ron preened, having no idea what the word meant.

“Yes, dear. Now, about that impressive length of yours…” She returned to her knees.

“Mmm. Oh, yes, love, you can do that any time you like.”

***

Somewhat later, after placing the carrots back into stasis and returning to bed, Hermione poked the wizard snoring beside her.

“Wha… what?” Ron tried to focus through sleepy lids.

“Wake up, Sleeping Beauty; we have a seduction to plan.” Hermione reached for her trusty biro and notepad, having long before abandoned quills and ink as far too messy for jotting down those important ideas that came to her in bed.

“Does it have to be now? I just had Snape snogging me in the elevator at the Ministry. Could have led to all sorts of interesting prospects,” he complained.

“Snape would never be so uncouth, Ronald. Although, he might shag me in the elevator.”

“Why you and not me?”

“Because I happen to be responsible for setting the password which can stall it between floors.” Hermione grinned as she clicked her biro into action. “Now, wet dreams aside, how are we going to get that delicious man into our bed?”

“Buggered if I know.” Ron shrugged.

“That’s the least of the benefits, dearest. I suspect we will need to stoop to duplicitous Slytherin strategems to achieve our object.” She began writing.

“Will you speak English, ‘Mione! You know I lose track when you start using long words.”

Hermione grinned and showed her husband her notepad, where the words USE DIRTY TRICKS were penned in large, blue capitals.

“Oh. Of course, we could just ask him,” Ron suggested.

“But how do you know he doesn’t have some enormous hang-up about the whole threesome concept? We don’t want to scare him away.” Hermione frowned at the thought of losing their quarry to the whims of morality.

“This is the wizard who shagged a married man, then shagged the same man’s wife the next day, who, incidentally, is his boss. Hardly the actions of an upstanding citizen, love.”

“True, but do you have any idea what goes on inside that man’s head?”

“I don’t even want to think about it,” Ron groaned. “It makes my brain hurt. You know I rely on you to do any thinking needed.”

“So, we know he fancies you. We know he fancies me. He knows we’re interested in trying a threesome. Shall we just invite him to dinner and see what happens? The worst outcome is that he actually expects to get fed.”

“With your cooking, worst outcome is an understatement. Giving the man a dose of food-poisoning is not exactly a tried and true seduction technique. ” Ron quickly moved out of reach.

“Hey, I managed a perfectly edible dinner once last week. And you’re no better. Just as well your mother still thinks sending us pre-cooked meals twice a week is fun. Besides, you can pick up a curry or something on the way home. And some wine. Oh, and a bottle of that special chocolate sauce would be an idea.” Hermione started writing a list. No plan was complete without a list… or ten.

“Chocolate sauce? You mean the one we…?”

“Mmm. That one.” Hermione ran the tip of her tongue over her lips at the memory.

With a groan, Ron flung himself back down on the bed, the sheet tenting nicely over his five and three-quarter inch expression of interest. “Now, look what you’ve done. Did you have to mention the chocolate sauce?”

“Oh, don’t worry, I’ll deal with that in a minute. Just let me finish this list. Curry, wine, chocolate sauce, strawberries, cream… Ronald! You could have waited!”

“Sorry, dear. It was the thought of you, Snape, and all that food. I couldn’t hold back. I’ll make it up to you tomorrow, promise.” With that, the sated redhead promptly rolled over and closed his eyes.

“And I didn’t even mention carrots!”

Half an hour later the pad showed a very satisfactory list indeed.

SEDUCING SNAPE SEVERUS

NB. DON’T FORGET CARROTS

Satisfied, Hermione tucked the list into her bag, extinguished the candles, and snuggled down next to her sleeping husband to dream of dark and red-haired lovers pleasuring her senseless with the odd carrot thrown in for variety.

***

A/N: Thanks to Sempra, whose kinky carrot fetish started this off. And she even betaed it!