Chapter 3

Chapter 3

As Sirius walked up the stairs, he could feel his irritation mounting as well. What was he thinking, getting involved in this idiocy? Why not let the screwed-up pillock get his own damned tea? And what did Tonks think Sirius was, anyway, an over-sized house-elf? It was Kreacher who ought to be delivering the fucking beverages around here. He perked up at the thought, entertaining a brief but pleasing vision of the filthy house-elf, rousted from one of his hidey-holes and muttering darkly about having to wait on the werewolf and his shape-shifting slut.

Unfortunately, Sirius didn't know where any of Kreacher's hidey-holes were, so rousting wasn't currently an option.

When he finally reached the top floor, he was in a fairly foul mood, made worse by the fact that he had to stand in the dank, rodent-smelling landing outside Remus's room for a minute to catch his breath. Twelve years in Azbakan hadn't done much for his wind.

Sirius rapped smartly on the door and then stepped in without waiting for an answer. Remus was sitting on the side of the bed with his back towards Sirius. His wand was sketching a Cleaning Charm, the unique motion of which would have been instantly familiar to anyone who'd ever attended Flitwick's second year "Health and Hygiene for Wizards" seminar. In this case, that would be Sirius.

Sirius grinned at Remus's bare back and remarked, "So you're reduced to tossing off again, huh? Bad luck. But welcome to the club." He shut the door with a sharp kick and strolled the two steps necessary to arrive at the centre of the room. "I take it Tonks only comes up to do your laundry?"

Remus responded with a two-finger salute offered casually over his shoulder before easing himself off the bed and heading to the wardrobe, a shaky looking structure decorated with a chipped bas-relief of coiling snakes. He reached in and pulled out an old tartan dressing gown, which he wrapped around himself and belted tightly. Pocketing his wand, he slumped...most inhospitably, Sirius thought...into the only armchair in the room, looking as exhausted and ill-tempered as he always did on the day of his transformation.

Sirius eyed him and tutted in mock sympathy, "You look like something that crawled out from under a rock and no mistake, mate. No offence."

Remus's lip curled. "As it happens, you don't look so bloody handsome yourself, Padfoot. Did you want something, or have you only come to annoy?"

"Wanker."

"Mm. Already established, I think." The corner of Remus's mouth twitched, but he didn't smile. "Anything else?"

"Brought you a cup of tea, courtesy of your lady love. She had to run off to her job, or she would have done it herself. You're familiar with the concept? Of a job, I mean? Thing where you contribute to society while earning yourself a bit of dosh?" He handed Remus the cup of lukewarm tea. "And thinks you're a shit, too, in case you care."

Remus took the tea, looking startled. "Who does?"

"Little Miss Nymphadora. Actually, she said 'git'. I'm interpolating."

Remus let out a half-amused, half-irritated snort, repeating what sounded like "interpolating" under his breath, and then said mildly, "Go to hell."

Sirius glanced around theatrically. "And here I was under the impression I'd already arrived. Speaking of which, this room smells like a cheap bordello. Ever consider..."

"You'd know..."

"...washing your sheets? Reeks in here."

For a moment, Remus appeared to be reconsidering the position of Unforgivable Curses in the overall scheme of life. Then he raised his cup to his lips and sipped, his face taking on the expression of bland neutrality he assumed whenever Sirius succeeded in getting under his skin.

From long experience, Sirius could see Remus arriving gradually at the realisation that he was about to be argued with rather than simply annoyed. And this invariably meant that Remus...never the world's chattiest sod...was going to Stop Talking. Not that this ever hampered him in a debate, unfortunately. Far from it. Remus was a long-time master of that quirk of the lip that implied, "You're full of shit", that lift of the eyebrow that suggested, "Bugger off". In disagreements with Remus, one generally had to supply both sides of the dialogue oneself. Never a difficulty for Sirius, except that even in Sirius's head, the slippery bastard always seemed to get in the last word.

Sirius walked to the open window; tall and narrow, it overlooked Grimmauld Place's tiny park, a square of green filled with elderly plane trees. In the spring sunshine, even those trees looked cheerful, their angular new leaves shimmering in the breeze. A memory came out of nowhere: of himself as a boy climbing in that park with his brother, the plane's shaggy bark peeling beneath his fingers, and Reg laughing maniacally as they pelted each other with the spiky fruits. God, I need to get out of here.

He sniffed the fresh air pointedly and, glancing at the unmade bed, asked, "Anywhere clean to sit? I mean, somewhere where you and Tonks haven't been doing the deed?"

Wordlessly, Remus Conjured a hard straight-backed chair with an irritated flick of his wand.

Sirius hooked the chair with his foot and turned it backwards. Straddling the seat, he sat down facing Remus and rested his arms on the chair back. And waited. Two can play at Stop Talking, he thought with satisfaction.

For a few minutes, Remus toyed with his teacup, one finger running around the rim in a habitual nervous gesture. Finally: "She really said that?"

Sirius just stared at him.

Remus shifted uncomfortably in his chair and scuffed one bare foot against a mouse-gnawed edge of the carpet. "That is, did she say why?" Remus drank more of his tea and turned towards the window, the very image of a man who emphatically did not want to hear what his girlfriend thought of him. Or why.

Sirius frowned in thought. "My guess? Because you like a splash of milk in your tea." He laughed without mirth. "Silly ideas women get sometimes, eh? Must be that time of the month for her, too."

Chewing at his lower lip, Remus stared into the middle distance, looking as if he wished he were anywhere but in this room with Sirius. You and me both, mate, Sirius thought.

Sirius rubbed his hands over his unshaven face and muttered, "Fuck it." He pointed a finger at Remus, the one with Lily's Y. "Listen, Moony, you're my best mate. I've loved you like a brother from the time we were eleven..."

Remus refocused on him, and his finger, in mild alarm. "Sirius..."

"Shut it, you sorry arse...and I watched you fuck up with half-a-dozen birds before you were twenty years old. Didn't say a word to you about 'em. Not one word. Even offered to help a few of those girls pick up the pieces, purely out of the kindness of my heart. But now..."

"Sirius..."

"But now we're talking about my cousin..."

"Second cousin..."

"First cousin once removed...never argue genealogy with a god-damned Black...and I think you might want to consider...just consider, mind you...pulling your head out of your hole. Just for a change, eh? A girl like that..." He shook his head in frustration, momentarily at a loss for words, which was something of a novelty. "You need to start giving her the kind of attention she deserves," you useless berk. Finished, Sirius crossed his arms in front of his chest and leaned back to see if Remus looked properly nettled. Not quite. "Oh, and in case there's any confusion on the point, I'm not talking about your dick."

Remus closed his eyes. Possibly he was counting backwards from fifty in Sanskrit, or reviewing the twelve uses of dragons' blood, or working through another of his tried-and-true calming techniques. The muscles along his jaw were shifting; Sirius suspected he was clenching his teeth.

Finally, Remus took a deep breath, looked Sirius in the eye, and began quietly, "I'm..." He stopped, let out his breath, and sucked in another one. "Sirius, I'm not in the mood right n..."

"Well, that must be quite a new sensation, from all I've heard about..."

In an instant Remus was out of the armchair, his face flushed and hands clenching at his side. Deliberately, he opened one fist and reached into his wand pocket. He didn't draw, but his intentions were implicit in every tense particle of his body.

Sirius let the silence hang between them for a long moment. He fought an insane desire to provoke this even further, to see just how far it would go, purely for the excitement of the thing. If only to make something happen around here for a change. And had it been anyone else...but this was Moony, a friend. One of the few he had left, if not the only. Sirius blinked a few times, sighed heavily, and muttered again, "Fuck it." And then more loudly, "I don't have time for this shit."

He stood abruptly, Banished the chair, and walked to the door. He put his hand on the knob and paused. Without turning around, he said, "Listen to me, Moony. She was down in the kitchen sniffling into her sleeve because you wouldn't tell her how you take your bleeding tea." He huffed out a little laugh. "You know, sometimes even I find it hard to believe how abysmally stupid you can be...have you learnt nothing these past fifteen years? She's... she's a sweet kid, Remus, and she's just starting to figure you out. So, do me a favour? Cut her loose or give it a bit more effort. Right?"

Sirius opened the door and stepped out. Closing the door, he leaned his forehead against the cool wall of the hallway. It was a change, at least, getting the last word in with that stubborn git, but... Merlin help me, I'm tired. And now a headache was beginning to throb against his temples. Shit. He definitely needed to switch to something besides firewhisky of an evening. But at this moment what he needed most was a change of company. He headed for the stairs to feed Buckbeak.

---

Tonks arrived at the Ministry with about thirty seconds to spare before the weekly staff meeting. It would have been more, but she'd tripped and broken the heel of her boot on the steps of Grimmauld Place. She'd had to apply a hasty Sticking Charm before limping off to Apparate from a nearby alley.

For the sake of speed, she bypassed the Ministry's lifts, sprinting up the stairs to her cubicle. Pushing impatiently through the parchments, sandwich wrappers, Daily Prophets, quills, and other debris at her desk, Tonks grabbed the status report that she'd finished the day before, and then proceeded at a more dignified fast walk to Scrimgeour's office. She skidded to a halt in front of his door just as his secretary, Lydia, was pulling it shut. Lydia gave her a conspiratorial wink and said, "Just in time, dear. And he's breathing fire today, so you'd best scoot right in."

An hour later, a thoroughly dispirited Tonks trudged out of her boss's office holding her duty sheet. As the Aurors drifted back towards their desks, Williamson fell into step beside her. He said sympathetically, "It isn't so bad, Tonks. Stakeouts can be boring, but we've all had to do them occasionally. Besides, you just might catch him, and we know how important that would be. I mean, do we really want some mad blighter going around inflicting regurgitating urinals on an unsuspecting public? Think of the mayhem!" He snickered.

She elbowed him in the side. "Thanks, Will. Appreciate the support from a seasoned veteran."

"Hey, anytime. And let me know if you need any help beating a confession out of the yob when you nail him. You probably hit like a girl." He chuckled. As they approached their desks, Williamson detained her with a hand on her arm. "Listen, Tonks, all joking aside. I was wondering if... Well, what do you say we go to the Leaky for a drink after work?"

Tonks was nonplussed. Williamson was easily fifteen years her senior and far above her in rank. She'd actually had a bit of a crush on him last year when he hadn't noticed her at all, of course. Except for that time she broke his favourite coffee mug. She stammered, "Oh, well... Erm. That's sweet of you to ask, Will, but, um. I'm busy tonight." And every night, she thought. Better make that clearer. "I, um, I have a bloke I'm quite serious about is the thing."

Williamson looked surprised. "I didn't know that! Is it someone in the Ministry? How long have you been seeing him? I mean, you didn't bring him to that awards dinner we had a month or two back. I remember, because you looked...you looked well, and you came on your own."

Ah, right. She remembered that night all too well. Remus had categorically refused to accompany her, no matter how much she'd pleaded. Until that night, she'd always assumed that the reason they never went out was that Remus had no money, and he didn't want to take any of hers. But this would have been free for both of them. Drinks, dinner, dancing. A night on the town. A chance to show him off to her friends. Sirius had even offered to lend him dress robes. But he wouldn't hear of it, wouldn't discuss it at all, in fact. She'd been ready to strangle him, and not for the first time.

Finally, she said, "Yeah, um, it just didn't work out that night. You know how it is."

Williamson nodded. "Sure. Well, uh, good luck on the stakeout, then."

"Thanks, Will. See you around."

Tonks headed down to reception where she was due to meet her assigned partner for the stakeout. Her duty sheet indicated it would be someone from Magical Law Enforcement, not another Auror. When she got to the lobby, she was pleased to see Ann Ollivander waiting for her. She and Ann had shared law enforcement classes when they were both cadets: Tonks in the Auror program and Ann in MLE. They'd become close friends for a while and still occasionally worked out together in the MLE weight room, but Tonks had far less time for her friends since joining the Order of the Phoenix.

Ann was a tall, sinewy woman with short dark hair and a quick smile. Her rangy body always seemed to be full of nervous energy, which she channelled into a dedication to the martial arts. They'd both taken a course in judo as part of their cadet physical training, and Tonks had been struck both by Ann's strength and her lightning reflexes.

Ann had further impressed her by correctly guessing the core material of Tonks's wand. When Tonks had marvelled at this, Ann had shrugged modestly. "You can often recognise unicorn hair by the silvery coloured edge in your shields...remember last week when Moody had us casting Shield Charms in Magical Defence? I noticed it then. I worked summers as a teenager in my great uncle's shop. Ollivander's, you know. Sort of a family tradition, so I couldn't easily refuse, but I have absolutely no interest in wand-making. The idea of being stuck in a dusty shop like that all my life still gives me nightmares."

She and Ann both wore identical disgruntled expressions as they trudged over to the phone box that would elevate them into Muggle London. On the way up to the surface, they struggled in its confines to remove their robes. Tonks's scarlet one and Ann's bottle green would definitely not blend in with the Muggles they'd be mixing with. Tonks had transfigured both of their robes into shopping bags and was tucking her wand back into her holster when the box stopped at street level.

Ann studied her map. "Let me see... If we take that street over there," Ann pointed her chin to the left, "and then head south, crossing the next three streets, we should see the public urinal we're supposed to watch."

They walked along the crowded pavement, teeming with Muggles of all description: sweating business men in their strange suits and skinny neckties, harried young mothers pushing prams, beautifully dressed ladies with shiny handbags, shuffling old men wearing too many sweaters and muttering to themselves. Tonks loved being out in Muggle London. She never tired of it: everything at once so similar and yet so different from her own world.

Turning around to admire one youth, who was decked out entirely in black from hair to toes except for one striking lock of ice-blue hair, Tonks dropped behind Ann. As she hurried back to her, Tonks asked, "What are we supposed to do when we get there? D'you know? This is my first stakeout. Aurors don't usually do 'em; it's more in your department's line. I mean to say, we can't simply waltz into a urinal and eyeball everyone suspiciously."

Ann laughed and shrugged. "Dunno, really. I think we'll need to figure that part out when we get there. MLE didn't exactly volunteer on this one either, you know. It was that fellow in... hm... was it Muggle relations? Wesley I think his name is. He apparently looked at all the reports we have for Muggle-baiting and figured it out: for the past three Fridays in a row, someone has Charmed one of these particular urinals. Although this Wesley chap called it cursing them." She rolled her eyes. "That's why you Aurors are involved. Daaark Magic." She laughed. "So, this Friday, we stake the place out and hope to catch the loony."

They turned the corner and continued south. Ann said thoughtfully, "Wesley, though... I wonder about him. Frankly, I don't know why he cares so much, you know? It's a silly practical joke. No one's been hurt, only got a bit wet and smelly, that's all. Do you suppose he believes Dumbledore about You-Know-Who and thinks the Dark Lord has returned in order to curse Muggle loos?" Ann laughed. "If it happened in the magical community, no one would even consider sending in the law. But I suppose Muggles have to be protected from this sort of thing. I only wish it wasn't the two us who have to..."

She broke off, glancing at Tonks. "Are you limping?"

Tonks grimaced. "I fell on my way to work this morning. Grazed my shin." She looked down at her heavy-soled boots. "And now I think my heel's coming unstuck again, too. I'll do something about it when we have a minute."

When they arrived at the urinal, it quickly became obvious that they would have to position themselves inside it or at least somewhere where they would be able to look inside. Otherwise, they'd be unable to catch their perpetrator in the act.

Tonks told Ann, "Don't know about you, but I don't fancy Disillusioning and spending the day pressed up against a dirty wall in there."

After some thought, they decided to base themselves on top of the small structure. With Ann supplying the necessary stealth and Tonks supplying the shield charms, silvery edged and all, they were soon ensconced on the corrugated metal roof and, it was to be hoped, invisible to passers-by. Ann enchanted the roof to one-way transparency so that they could peek down on their suspects. As they finally settled onto Conjured cushions and looked down through their surveillance "window," they congratulated each other on a job well begun.

Four hours later, however, they weren't feeling quite so cheery about their situation. Ann was sharing her lunch with Tonks, who hadn't thought to bring anything and wouldn't have had time if she had. As they both munched on carrots, Ann remarked, "Get your boot off, then, and let's have a look."

Tonks had all but forgotten the morning's mishap as she yanked off her boot and handed it to Ann. While Ann tapped her wand along the heel, Tonks pushed up the leg of her jeans and examined her shin. It sported a large purplish bruise and felt tender to the touch, but it didn't look too serious.

Ann peered over her shoulder and remarked casually, "Oooh, doesn't that look ugly," before turning her attention back to the boot. Finally, she looked up and told Tonks, "I reaffixed the heel onto the sole as it was coming loose again. But you really ought to go back to where you bought this." She glanced at the sole. "Gepetto's, was it? 'Cos they'll have special repair charms that'll be more permanent than anything I can do. And speaking of repairs, you've done quite a nice job as well." She touched Tonks's shin lightly; there was no longer a trace of a bruise.

"Yeah, well, I get a lot of practice. You know how I'm falling over my own feet half the time." Tonks took back her boot and began putting it on.

Ann sniffed. "And you wouldn't be, if you'd just come back and train with me." Ann, devotee that she was, had been trying off and on for over a year to convince Tonks to take up judo again, claiming it would improve her coordination, and hence, eliminate her clumsiness.

"I don't have the time, Ann. I'm so busy now. What with the Azkaban breakout, I'm putting in overtime at work, and..."

"Right, right. There's always an excuse, but still...tell you what, at least let's get back to working out together, alright? We both need to do it, and it's probably the only way we'll make time. I miss how we used to hang out together."

Tonks wrapped her arm around Ann's waist, suddenly feeling sad that she'd not made time for her over the past months. "Me too, Ann. Alright, then, how about Wednesday after work? I should be able to manage it, if..."

"Tonks," Ann interrupted, in a strangely tight voice. "Have a shufti at this."

Tonks hastily dropped her arm and knelt down on hands and knees to look into the urinal below. "What do you see?" she asked Ann excitedly. "Which one is it?"

With a trembling hand, Ann pointed to the centre urinal below them. "That one. Isn't he... Isn't that Kingsley Shacklebolt, from your office?"

Tonks immediately leaned back and closed her eyes, clapping her hands over them as Ann's suppressed laughter finally broke out. Through her chuckles, Ann said, "Oh, if you could have seen your face, Tonks. Still, I suppose I should look," she went on virtuously. "There was some thought that the mad urinal charmer might be a Ministry employee, given that this location is midway between the Ministry and the Leaky." There was a pause, and then she went on cheerfully, "Oh, my! My goodness gracious, Tonks. Look! He's..."

"Stop, stop, stop. Not listening. Not listening!" Tonks hummed a few bars of a Weird Sisters song to drown out her friend's voice and then pleaded, "Will you please shut up, Ann! Kings and I are friends. I'm friends with his wife, and I'm having coffee with them tonight. Just tell me when it's over."

"Alright, he's leaving now, you lily-liver. You can peek again. If you've got the stomach for it, that is."

When Tonks took her hands from her face, Ann was watching the scene below her with distaste. "You know, I don't think I can take seeing this many willies in one day. It's enough to put you off men entirely. Take a look at that bloke down there, the one with the green cap? He's splashing all over the porcelain, and he acts as if he doesn't even notice. No wonder it stinks in there. Men are disgusting pigs sometimes, don't you think?"

Tonks giggled down at Green Cap as she reached for another carrot. "Mm. Absolutely."

Ann looked sidelong at Tonks and added, "Of course, your fellow wouldn't come under that heading, I'm sure."

Tonks waggled her carrot stick at Ann good-humouredly. "And who told you I had a fellow, Miss Nosey Parker?"

Ann smirked and reached out to touch the faded love bite under her ear. "Elementary, my dear Tonks. Or as you Aurors would say, 'Constant vigilance!'"

They both giggled again as Tonks blushed and rubbed her fingers over the mark. "Yeah, well. He may not be a pig, but he can be extremely... provoking at times."

"Mm. Sounds interesting. Do I get to meet this extremely provoking gentleman someday?"

"Uh. Probably not, Ann."

"Oh." Ann looked disappointed. "You splitting up?"

"No. Or...I don't think so, that is. He's been..." Tonks shook her head in frustration and chomped more carrot.

"What? Don't just leave me hanging, here! He's been what? Shagging Scrimgeour? Forgetting to buy you chocolate? Charming regurgitating urinals? What?"

"Oh, I don't know how to describe it, Ann. He's lovely, really. In almost every way. But he's incredibly secretive."

"Secretive as in... seeing someone else on the side?"

Tonks shook her head.

"Well, what then? I'm dying to know about your mystery man, Tonks. Spill it."

"It's... There are some things...lots of things...he simply won't talk about, and it's driving me batty."

"Mm, that sounds lovely. A man with secrets and inner turmoil, eh? Does he pace the misty moors with a heavy tread and all?"

Tonks rolled her eyes. "This, Ann, is why we don't have these sorts of heart-to-heart conversations more often."

"And here I thought it was because up until now your love-life has always been perfect." They snickered over that for a bit, as Ann had been privy to some rather unfortunate romantic incidents from Tonks's past. Ann went on, "Oh, but you know what men are. They're not sensible creatures like us, ready to share each innermost secret with their twelve very best friends. A lot of them aren't comfortable talking about the important things."

"But that's just it, Ann. It isn't only the important things. It's the unimportant things as well." She laughed to herself as she stared down at a portly gent relieving himself at the leftmost urinal. "Today, for instance, he wouldn't tell me how he liked his tea." When Ann snorted with laughter, she went on defensively, "I'm overreacting, I know. I was buzzing like a hornet this morning, but I've calmed down since. Thought I might bring him some supper as a peace offering. Sometimes, I think I'm being an idiot when he's so wonderful in every other way, but I hate that he doesn't seem to trust me at all."

Ann looked at Tonks shrewdly. "You're in love, aren't you?" Tonks was flushing pink as Ann went on. "I don't believe it. In fact, I'm floored. Whoever would've thought it of tough Auror Tonks? Completely head over heels, and don't deny it," she raised her voice as Tonks attempted to speak. "Don't bother trying to deny it, it's written all over your face."

Tonks rubbed at her burning cheeks and didn't attempt to deny it.

Ann waited for Tonks to say something and finally prompted, "So, your love interest. He's wonderful how? I mean, he drives you up the wall, but he's still wonderful?"

"Well, let's see..." Tonks began counting on her fingers, "Kind, handsome, funny, intelligent, polite, well-read, brave, loyal, really skillful wizard..."

She flushed brighter pink when she got to the last finger and added, "And, um, you know."

"Ah, I see." Ann grinned and waggled her eyebrows. "He's wonderful in that way, is he? Tell."

Tonks bit at her lip and then leaned over to Ann and whispered in her ear. Both of them covered their mouths to smother their mirth. When she had regained some measure of control, Ann punched Tonks repeatedly on the shoulder. "I can't believe you told me that, you shameless hussy."

They both continued to laugh as Ann leaned against Tonks's shoulder. "Well, Tonks, it's not as if we don't all have our burdens to bear. And if I understand you right, yours is a man who's sex on toast but hesitates to reveal his favourite colour. I haven't any advice to offer you, my poor dear. But... Tonks? If you do break it off with him, could you introduce me?"

---

Author's note: Thanks to my reviewers for giving me the motivation to keep posting, to melusin for Brit-picking, and to my new beta, ladyinthecloak.

Coming up next: Sirius enjoys an intimate moment. Or two. Remus receives a special treat.